Dead Parent Club

[yeahyouhun]

My mum, sister and I are off to scatter my dad’s ashes today. We’ve decided to do it at his favourite fishing pond, as that’s where he spent the majority of his final years, he’d probably call it his ‘happy place’ if he wasn’t (and I mean this in the most affectionate way) such a grumpy old b!
Not sure how I feel about it, I suppose I’ll see once I get there. Grateful the dreadful rain has cleared up for today though

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

My mum, sister and I are off to scatter my dad’s ashes today. We’ve decided to do it at his favourite fishing pond, as that’s where he spent the majority of his final years, he’d probably call it his ‘happy place’ if he wasn’t (and I mean this in the most affectionate way) such a grumpy old b!
Not sure how I feel about it, I suppose I’ll see once I get there. Grateful the dreadful rain has cleared up for today though

Thinking of you and your family today. I thought I'd feel ok about scattering my dad's ashes because I'd already said goodbye in person and at his funeral, but it took me by surprise how emotional I found it. Look after yourself and allow yourself the space to feel whatever you end up feeling

 

[yeahyouhun]

Thinking of you and your family today. I thought I'd feel ok about scattering my dad's ashes because I'd already said goodbye in person and at his funeral, but it took me by surprise how emotional I found it. Look after yourself and allow yourself the space to feel whatever you end up feeling

Thank you 🩷
I was actually ok, a few tears when we got there seeing ‘his spot’ without him in it but we all ended up laughing at what a bizarre experience it was

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Thank you 🩷
I was actually ok, a few tears when we got there seeing ‘his spot’ without him in it but we all ended up laughing at what a bizarre experience it was

So glad it was ok! Laughter helps so much, and it's great you're all supporting each other

 

[SweetPerdita]

Hi everyone. Introducing myself to this thread. My parents both died (together) about ten years ago. Long time ago but it still affects me. Glad to be here.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I'm starting to realise that losing a parent isn't something that you ever really get over. I have days where I muddle along and then boom, something hits and I realise Dad's gone and isn't coming back. I'm 2.5 years down the line and some days it's just as raw.

 

[Occasionally Alice]

I'm starting to realise that losing a parent isn't something that you ever really get over. I have days where I muddle along and then boom, something hits and I realise Dad's gone and isn't coming back. I'm 2.5 years down the line and some days it's just as raw.

So true! My dad died 21 years ago and it still occasionally just hits me out of the blue.

 

[jojida]

Really missing my mum this week and it's come out of nowhere. I lost her October last year and we had our first Christmas and her birthday without her in really close succession but I think I was numb to it last year in a way. I keep seeing things I'd love to buy her but it has no place to go to, we don't have her interred yet and I feel silly just buying things for the sake of buying them, but then I go in a circle of feeling like I'm just erasing her if I don't get them. God forbid "stay another day" comes on the radio which feels so silly but it just makes me blub! I have so little joy in things and I'm worried that this is my new normal. I also keep seeing those "things my [passed loved one] missed in 2025" and my mum has missed so much that I don't even know where to begin my list.

Does anyone have a grief journal or do journalling for grief? I've really struggled to get talking therapy or similar as I don't really fall into the right categories so no one can really help me, but I find talking or laying my life out on paper really helps (which I'm sure you can see from my Tattle posting history haha).

 

[RainbowFuzz]

Pleased I found this thread, I lost my Dad 2 weeks ago. He was elderly and unwell but it was still a shock. The funeral isn't until January as Mum doesn't want it at Christmas, which I understand, but tbh I just want it done.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

@jojida I've found a few helpful grief forums, Sue Ryder, McMillan... I don't know if Cruse bereavement has similar? They really helped me initially. And yes, do write it down. Get a diary with page per view and just write what's in your head. You need to let it out and not let it destroy you from the inside. I'm sorry for your loss.

@RainbowFuzz gosh that's hard to wait. My sister wanted a funeral for Dad but I just couldn't face it - he was estranged from his family in later years and they pissed me off so much when he was diagnosed with cancer that I held my ground and we went for a direct cremation and interred his ashes a few months later when we'd recovered from the horror of his last months. I'm sorry for your loss too.

 

[RainbowFuzz]

Thanks @GalaxyGirl70 , It is hard to wait but if it's what Mum wants then it's what we'll do. A direct cremation sounds best among your circumstances, and I'm hearing of more and more people doing that now.

The thing I'm finding most hard at the moment is the mix of emotions. Sadness followed by relief for him that it's over and he's not struggling and in pain, then guilt for feeling relieved and back to sadness again. Oh, and the never ending paperwork and forms to fill out!

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I read it was called "sadmin" once, and that seemed such a good way of describing the paperwork.

 

[jojida]

I actually didn't think Christmas would be as hard this year as it was last but I just really miss my mum an insane amount at this time. It's silly because we didn't even really do much at Christmas together as she loved spending Christmas by herself (we didn't live together and she would specifically enjoy Christmas by herself, with her partner, or go on holiday by herself at this time) but nothing feels the same without her.

 

[klarakluckbag]

I knew that I'd be joining this thread sooner or later, my mum had been very unwell for the past year. We lost her on Tuesday, and right now, I'm either just numb or relieved that it's over for her, and for us.

My mum spent Christmas with me and my family every year for the last 30 years (apart from one year when me and my husband had flu) and it's going to be very difficult tomorrow. Luckily, I can cook a Christmas dinner with my eyes closed, so we'll go through the motions, put a brave face on, and get through the day somehow, I guess...what else can you do?

Love to everyone going through this, may you get some peace at this time

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

I knew that I'd be joining this thread sooner or later, my mum had been very unwell for the past year. We lost her on Tuesday, and right now, I'm either just numb or relieved that it's over for her, and for us.

My mum spent Christmas with me and my family every year for the last 30 years (apart from one year when me and my husband had flu) and it's going to be very difficult tomorrow. Luckily, I can cook a Christmas dinner with my eyes closed, so we'll go through the motions, put a brave face on, and get through the day somehow, I guess...what else can you do?

Love to everyone going through this, may you get some peace at this time

I'm so sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year - sending you and your family lots of love

 

[unidentified]

Thinking of everyone at this time of year. I’ve had tears in my eyes all afternoon. Really feeling the loss of my mum even though this is Christmas number 11 without her. I’m only 37, I shouldn’t have had 11 Christmas’ without my mum. Life is so bloody cruel at times.

 

[Catfan2]

I lost mine 10 and 8 years ago. Think of them every day. Remembering the wonderful Christmases they gave us as children, and the happy times we spent with them as adults with their grandchildren. How ever long you have them, it’s never enough. Thinking of everyone who has lost their parents, especially at Christmas

 

[BearOnChair]

I hope everyone is OK, it's a really hard time of the year.
I struggle with other people not remembering or thinking how hard it can be. My MIL asked how my dad was on Christmas Day. She meant my grandad and I know it's a small slip but it still reinforces that feeling I have that no one cares. Dad died in 2021 not many months after my mum did, both from cancer.
My FIL was also talking about how people don't really die from bowel cancer now, it's not the death sentence it was. It was for both my dad and my grandma.

 

[ATV2021]

I have been feeling low this Christmas for various reasons - I am usually annoyingly festive but all my plans and events with friends got cancelled so did them all alone so it was the first xmas since my Mum died (her last was 2016) that I've really felt a punch in the face about her not being here. Ended up crying to the Snowman as she would read me it as a child (amazed me when older and realised the book has no words)... anyway I hope everyone else is doing OK . Quite dreading the big 10 next year...

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Sending lots of love to everyone missing someone this Christmas it's my second Christmas without my dad, and I was doing ok about it in the lead up, but have felt quite emotional - more emotional than last year, actually. We saw my husband's family earlier and when I gave them a present from my mum I accidentally said "this is from my parents" and then felt so embarrassed having to correct myself. It's also been really hard seeing my toddler having the most amazing time and being so funny and silly, and not being able to share any of it with my dad - he loved me sending him photos or videos on whatsapp and he'd always reply with things like "Cor! He's enjoying himself!", and I just really miss that connection