Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

[EndofInfluencers]

I love this! That's such a great way to view yourself. And I think you sound lovely

I've spent a lot of time dimming my light in the past...being told I was too loud, too talkative, that I dressed 'wrong'. I never had the career trajectory I should have had because I didn't play the game properly. I know lots of people, men in particular, find me too much.

But sod them. I like me, I think I'm clever, and funny and good to be around. And yes I know my inability to sit still, non linear conversations and other little idiosyncracies are not everyone's cup of tea but they will be someone's.

I know it’s been said before by a few people on here, but I wish there was some way we could all meet up- even virtually, as we seem to have so much in common. We could share our war stories and our sin bin photos from the apps without us having to hide their faces

 

[Belle123]

Thanks all! I feel better for explaining fully and I’m going to go forth into the weekend like he does not exist xx

I feel for you, I really do. I think everyone has said pretty much everything. He’s allowing you to compromise your values and boundaries, because you mention the sex is so good and you remember what it’s like when he’s focused on you and making you feel good. We all want to feel wanted and liked and when we feel a chemistry with someone, and things like sex are great with them, it can be a really vulnerable place to be. We overlook the bad to chase that high we get when they turn their attention and affection back on us.

You say he contacts you, but that doesn’t show his interest in you, for genuine reasons. It’s because he’s horny and after validation. I really do understand it hurts, and you deserve so much better. He’s a user. He’s not going to get divorced and come and sweep you off your feet once he gets his act together. He slept with your friend. He speaks to you badly. He manipulates you. He love bombs you, sleeps with you and then goes quiet again. His red flags will persist long after the ink is dry on the divorce.

I know you’re trying to be laid back and breezy about this, but the sheer volume of posts (which is not a criticism of you) tells me you are very much bothered by it all. Put yourself first and block him. It shows you’re a strong woman who knows her value and is a good “f%#* you” to him! He’s not a friend. He’s not a boyfriend. He’s not anything. He’s a messed up man, manipulating you for his own selfish reasons while he goes through a difficult life event, I.e. his divorce. Stop letting him control you like this and let him go. I swear you’ll feel better as soon as you do x

 

[MsCurly]

I’m seriously considering posting this on all of my dating profiles… maybe it will help

 

[drewydrop]

Just found my ghost on Bumble (the guy i had an amazing first date with, love bombed me for 2 weeks then unmatched me on Hinge and stopped replying)

Day officially ruined and its only just gone 12.

I swiped right on him because I'm a clown.
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Lmao I'm crying

That’s rubbish but do you think you need to take a break from looking at the apps/ men in general. You said yesterday I think, it’s because you’re bored but putting so much pressure on meeting guys is just making you feel worse. Why not take a break from looking, enjoy the nice weather, do something for you until you’re in a better headspace. Crying over shitty men you hardly know is not the way to spend the summer

 

[jnh24]

Talking about Nan advice, mine told me on Sunday, never chase a man ever! It was in relation to my ex. If they want you in their lives, they’ll 100% make it known.

 

[Lalla]

I completely agree that you shouldn't hate yourself for wanting a relationship - most people do, otherwise dating sites and joint mortgages, and even this thread wouldn't exist. It's perfectly natural to want someone to share your life experiences with. Equally some people decide that a romantic relationship isn't for them, and they develop a close network of friends to share things with instead. Neither is wrong. .

But there's definitely no hate from me for wanting a relationship, because I do as well I thought my last relationship was for life. I didn't really expect to end up 51 and single (again). Like many of you, I like my life. I've lots to be thankful for. But everything was just that little bit better when I was in a relationship.

Sorry quoting myself just to add that life was better in a good relationship that is, and only in a good one.

A bad or even just mediocre relationship (of which there are many!) enhances no ones life.

 

[Usagisakura90]

i’ve had incredibly helpful and empathetic advice here over the last year or so, no one here posts with ulterior motives or anything other than genuine concern or care for the people they’re responding to. yes sometimes that advice can be blunt but it’s a dating advice thread. men are rubbish. sometimes we do need to be direct.

Same here, the advice here has been invaluable to me whilst getting through what I've been going through these past 6 months. Everyone has been so kind especially when I'v been feeling like I'm having 16 year old girl relationship issues going back and forth over a man I know is shit and helping me navigate singleness in my 30s.

It probably sometimes comes across blunt because its text, the amount of times iv been told by people I sound rude when I'm actually just texting. Sometimes it can't be helped how a tone is read online especially if it's advice but no one is being rude here.

 

[Clementine]

How about this one for strange, a young woman I volunteered with moved to Worcester with her partner of 3 years (at that time). He still shares a house with his ex-wife as she won’t move out and they can’t afford divorce solicitors. During a phone call yesterday she told me that she sees him every Saturday between the hours of 3pm and 7pm. They have had that time slot for the past year with no deviation. I don’t know how anyone can live like that.

Is she sure it’s his ex and not his current wife?…

 

[IGiveUp22]

I just hate men.

I met a guy on holiday last year, can’t remember if I posted about him, but literally knew him for 2 days & he was acting like I was the love of his life. Anyway, we chatted for a bit but was clear he only wanted one thing & I had suspicions he was still married. Plus, he lives down south, I’m up north so nothing would come of it. Then I met/started dating someone & he disappeared.
fast forward to a few months ago, he pops back up. Again, it was general chit chat first but then started going to hint at sexual stuff. In the end I flipped & had a go. He apologised. Then more recently when he popped back up I just told him I was dating someone (the guy I have posted about on here) & he got all offended initially but then stopped replying when I said “I’m 31 soon, want kids, I need to meet someone for an actual relationship”

Anyway, I’ve had a horrendous weekend as my mum had a heart attack on Saturday. And we were meant to be flying today to go on holiday. She is ok, not well enough to go away etc but it’s been scary & stressful.
He messages this morn asking about the holiday (same place as where we met) & I told him the situation & the fact we’ve had to cancel. He did send his best wishes for my mum/asking if she’s okay etc. then was like “if you need to talk” & I just put thanks appreciate it.

next message “so how’s dating going”


I cannot tell you how much anger I felt. Told him to leave me alone & blocked him the fucking weirdo. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN

The block has been a long time coming tbf. This “man” is 38 years old.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I met up with someone tonight who I used to knock about with in my wayward youth. His card wasn't working so I've paid for everything tonight, easily £150. I've given him my bank details and told him to transfer me the money I think he thought it was a date though? It absolutely was not from my end haha

 

[tomato_paste]

I feel if I do it looks like I’m bothered

And why do you care what he thinks? This is exactly the problem. You need to become free of this thought process of putting his assesments of situations over your own. Stop evaluating what you are doing by thinking about what he’d say about it. Form your own opinions and get rid of that voice in your head that tries to mirror his judgements about your life to please him. Because it doesn't matter.

What do YOU want to do. Do you want to block him? Then do so!

 

[RattyBumBum]

Hi all,

First time contributing to this thread but have enjoyed reading it for a while. I means this respectfully it makes me So glad I’m not having to do the online stuff any more.

I met my soon to be husband on tinder, after years of crap dates, and ghosts etc I was in what I liked to call my ‘stealing from men era’ where I just used the apps like a food bank to get free dinners. My bio was literally take me for
Dinner or leave me alone.

Anyways my fella super swiped me tinder and I thought he had a great body but his bio and messages were rubbish. I couldn’t really be arsed going on a date but he wanted to
Meet asap, offered to take me For cheesey mash in miller and Carter and never brought up sex.

On our second date I looked at him and thought ‘I’m going to spend my life with you’ and well we get married in December.

In summary, get as many free dinners as you can, and play the odds game, but also, please don’t let these awful experiences you and I had make put you off or make you think love isn’t for you. It is, and it’s lovely and you deserve to be loved. Keep pushing on.

 

[shadowcat5]

Hoping everyone is doing ok I’m feeling a little better, it’s not the no messages that bother me (I think his life is spiralling and I’m no longer useful) it’s the relief that so far I haven’t had a nasty text saying he doesn’t want to see me, purely because I’ve got a big weekend coming up and I could do without any upset..I know I know I could block him, but I feel if I do it looks like I’m bothered rather than as some of you have said just carrying on with life which I intend to do! Here’s hoping for continued silence

tbh I think it’s the opposite. When you leave the line of communication open it will seem to him like you’re still available. Blocking him imo shows that you absolutely do not want to hear from him at all

 

[Clementine]

Tindertranslators on Instagram gets on my tits, but I did really like this post

 

[LaBlonde]

Please never, ever, settle, and don't let anyone tell you that you should. It's hard enough to make the good things last in a relationship where you adore the other person, let alone where you've settled for a person who doesn't really float your boat, because someone is better than no one.

I kind of settled for my son's dad. He was never what I wanted but he was all I thought I could get at the time, and tbh it probably would have fizzled out after a few months, but I got pregnant and ended up stuck wasting the prime years of my life (28 to 36) on that abusive twat. On the other hand I wouldn't have my son otherwise so I don't regret it, I only wish I could have escaped sooner.

And of course years later I met my Ex who was 100% my type, looks, personality all of it. Except the part where he was a liar and a cheat of course. But I do still feel vindicated that the person I was looking for must exist, because my Ex was so close to it and ticked almost all the boxes (except for the above massive character flaws). Maybe next time -if and when I can be bothered to start looking - I'll find someone who is my type but is also faithful.

Also going back to something that was said on the last thread (I think it was @Universal who shared these wise words, and apologies if I have misquoted) being in a relationship is not an achievement.

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(Perfectionist that I am, I had to go back to the previous thread and check - I got the wording wrong, the original was having a man is not an achievement - but I was along the right lines )
Let's just say that the man/ relationship thing is no achievement!

you always write the most beautiful advice lalla

 

[Clementine]

The date I had the other night was the first one in 8 months. It’s a rare occurrence. My time/finances and energy are precious. I’m not wasting them on a fuckwit (although it invariably is as I’m a muppet). Also, I have one foot in the Tattle commune we’re all going to live on

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

This is where I feel a "Go fuck yourself asshole" is actually very appropriate. Yes I do care! I care very much that you have used, manipulated me & discard me at will (you don't write that but) then feel the anger. The anger is your gateway to freedom.
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Most of it is not being honest with yourself.

 

[sleepflowers]

I find Bumble so cringe. All these push notifications about 'kindness' and 'sending compliments' and 'spreading love' when all the men on there still act like shit. They're clearly not getting the message!!

 

[Usagisakura90]

GET OFF THE APPS. UNMATCH THIS MAN.

i am literally on a cliff face yelling this into a gale.

you will gain nothing from it and you’re not in the right headspace. you are putting pressure on yourself and you need to work through the hurt of how this man treated you.

he did not deserve your swipe. UNMATCH HIM.

I agree it's not going to do your mental health any good at all either

 

[Morleybbz]

I've restarted my bumble account... wish me luck!