Dating after lockdown #24 they're participation trophies at best

[LaBlonde]

Thank you I won’t lie, I’ve felt wobbly today. I miss him. I’m stupefied he’s ignored my messages. It’s a mind f*%# to experience this for the first time. He’s literally not replied to me and not broken things off in any direct way. I’m just glad I didn’t have time to develop deeper feelings, because even early on it feels cruel.

i hope you’re okay belle ghosting is so cruel. everyone deserves a clear explanation as to why things end or change (even if that explanation isn’t nice). to just stop replying is so cowardly and i’ve always thought that it’s a way of keeping themselves as the “nice guy” - they didn’t break it off, they didn’t say anything mean etc, but they essentially just ran away from someone they’d previously been kind too and the stuff that does to your mind is unfair. it will pass, and you have already been your amazing self about it, so can promise it gets better. but also give yourself time to feel wobbly, it’s okay xx

 

[Belle123]

@candyland_ @Kimmylookatme @Sandor @LaBlonde
Thank you all so much I am better today. It’s always a bit of a sobering moment when you see someone’s true colours, and it takes a bit to get your head around with some people. He talked a good talk. I cannot fathom how someone spends months getting to know you and then does this. Even though it’s never happened to me in this context before, I’ve always thought ghosting is rooted in that person’s own fears, specifically around confronting a situation. I’d specifically asked him to either confirm it’s over or to tell me what’s going on for him, because we’ve always talked about things. It’s like he’s frozen on me the second I’ve mentioned the apps and whether we’re both wanting to focus on us. No response at all. Not even to break it off. That’s even after I made it really clear it’s ok if that’s what he wants.

He’s had no problem talking about relationship things before, so he doesn’t lack communication skills as such. He very much told me he was happy with things and started opening up about some very personal things. We had clear conversations about what we were both looking for and that we agreed to talk about anything regarding it. If I multi-date, I drop down to just one by no later than date two or three with someone I’ve clicked with. I don’t spend two months with someone and make them think I want to pursue something serious with them, while I’m hedging my bets behind their back.

If it’s over for him, I think he’s one of those people who justifies ghosting in their own head, because it keeps a door open and they never officially ended the relationship, so it’s win-win for them. Buys them space and doesn’t (at least in their minds) kill the situation with you. If there’s more to it, as in it’s brought up overwhelming emotions for him (his ex did something that caused huge betrayal and he no doubt has trust issues, so the idea of exclusivity with me might have absolutely freaked him out) who wants to be involved with someone who’ll pull down the shutters when there’s serious things to discuss in the relationship? Well, I tried hard to talk to him, and make it clear it was safe to talk to me. Only he can reflect on it all and regret this. I’m moving on. It’s helped to be able to vent here, so thank you x

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Belle123 When the one I cared about ghosted me first time (I went back for more), I remember there was a lady on YT, some kind of psychologist who said this "When someone ghosts, it's like finding a plate with a crack in it. You can't fix it because it is a character flaw and that's their nature). It made perfect sense at the time but I was deluding myself and was relieved when he came back as they do! As I've shared, it was a push me pull you thing going on for two years & waking up one morning to being blocked. He was married a couple of months later. It hurt so bad! Not worth an explanation! So 2.5 years on, the pain is fading but make no mistake, ghosting & blocking carries a severe wound when it's someone you had feelings for. The dross on the apps is a different story. We're glad to see the back of them ! Look after your heart Belle. It's so precious.

 

[sofipbn]

Hello lovely ladies, I just found this thread and I really need to vent.
I've been seeing this guy for 4 months. We said to each other at first we didn't want "a relationship" or anything serious, we agreed on that. Anyway, time passes and we started doing things as a couple - going out to eat, dinner, breakfast, movies, shopping, sleeping together 3-4 times a week, and spending a lot of time together. He was always there for me, I could always phone him if I was feeling sad, depressed, or for whatever reason. He always made me feel like he was there for me. I developed feelings for him. Last night, (without me saying anything) he said that he loves me, cares about me, that I deserve the world for the person that I am, but that he's not in a position to want or be in a serious relationship right now. He was in a really toxic relationship for almost 10 years a couple of years before, and says he's not ready for the feelings he has for me, that he doesn't know what to do, and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He's afraid of commitment. (his words)
I know for sure that I don't need him to be my boyfriend right now - that's not what I want or need. But it really made me realise we're in a different place right now.
I said to him that I understand and I know he cares about me, and he shows that to me every single day. But there are things that could hurt me because he doesn't want to commit to "us". I said that I prefer not to keep seeing him because I know I'm going to get hurt. He said he wants to be with me, that we could make things work out, that he's really frustrated with himself for not being what I need right now. That this is making him really sad but he understands my decision because he wants me to be okay.
He's a nice man. I know for sure he is. He's honest, and I appreciate that.
I don't know if I made the right choice. Maybe it's just not the right time for us. I don't know if I should keep seeing him and enjoy every day as it comes when we care for each other in this way and not think about the future and just let it be.
I really don't know. I feel really sad.
I'm sorry for this really long post and thank you so much if you read it. xx

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I was hoping someone might post to break up this long post sorry.
So another guy, before the one I spoke of. Again, disappearing hours before date, blocking etc. I was new to the game and didn't really understand it yet.
Another back & forth until someone came along. He married too during lockdown. God. That stung, two of them! Me cast aside.
Well this one, the marriage has already broken up! I feel sorry for her. Had a baby to him as well. I know he's the problem as he messaged me on IG. Slimey creep. So these women don't get a prize on the whole. Just cheating men who present well for a while then bang. Off they go again.

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

Hello lovely ladies, I just found this thread and I really need to vent.
I've been seeing this guy for 4 months. We said to each other at first we didn't want "a relationship" or anything serious, we agreed on that. Anyway, time passes and we started doing things as a couple - going out to eat, dinner, breakfast, movies, shopping, sleeping together 3-4 times a week, and spending a lot of time together. He was always there for me, I could always phone him if I was feeling sad, depressed, or for whatever reason. He always made me feel like he was there for me. I developed feelings for him. Last night, (without me saying anything) he said that he loves me, cares about me, that I deserve the world for the person that I am, but that he's not in a position to want or be in a serious relationship right now. He was in a really toxic relationship for almost 10 years a couple of years before, and says he's not ready for the feelings he has for me, that he doesn't know what to do, and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He's afraid of commitment. (his words)
I know for sure that I don't need him to be my boyfriend right now - that's not what I want or need. But it really made me realise we're in a different place right now.
I said to him that I understand and I know he cares about me, and he shows that to me every single day. But there are things that could hurt me because he doesn't want to commit to "us". I said that I prefer not to keep seeing him because I know I'm going to get hurt. He said he wants to be with me, that we could make things work out, that he's really frustrated with himself for not being what I need right now. That this is making him really sad but he understands my decision because he wants me to be okay.
He's a nice man. I know for sure he is. He's honest, and I appreciate that.
I don't know if I made the right choice. Maybe it's just not the right time for us. I don't know if I should keep seeing him and enjoy every day as it comes when we care for each other in this way and not think about the future and just let it be.
I really don't know. I feel really sad.
I'm sorry for this really long post and thank you so much if you read it. xx

Why do you have to label it ? Sounds to me like what you have is pretty special and it's only been 4 months ...why not just go with the flow, live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is?

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@sofipbn Hi. My niece once said to me no-one really knows if they want a relationship until it evolves. A bit like having a first child! You have to follow your instinct but it actually sounds really good to me at this stage. Actually going out. If only I'd got that far . Why not go with the flow while you examine your fears for a little longer?

 

[Amyx1518]

Going on a first date Saturday. Dinner. Met him on pof, been chatting just over a week. He seems lovely, the conversation is flowing and plenty of xxxx at the end of all messages, loads of emojis, hearts, babes and “good morning gorgeous@ etc which I’ve never come across before. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop… every other tosser on pof have turned the convo sexual immediately, but he hasn’t. Not even remotely. I’ve been single (single mum) for 4 yrs and I’m torn between guilt and nerves. I’m dying to cancel but I’m not going to. Never been on a proper dinner date before, was with my ex 10yr and we met as teens. Help!

 

[itsnotmereally]

Hello lovely ladies, I just found this thread and I really need to vent.
I've been seeing this guy for 4 months. We said to each other at first we didn't want "a relationship" or anything serious, we agreed on that. Anyway, time passes and we started doing things as a couple - going out to eat, dinner, breakfast, movies, shopping, sleeping together 3-4 times a week, and spending a lot of time together. He was always there for me, I could always phone him if I was feeling sad, depressed, or for whatever reason. He always made me feel like he was there for me. I developed feelings for him. Last night, (without me saying anything) he said that he loves me, cares about me, that I deserve the world for the person that I am, but that he's not in a position to want or be in a serious relationship right now. He was in a really toxic relationship for almost 10 years a couple of years before, and says he's not ready for the feelings he has for me, that he doesn't know what to do, and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He's afraid of commitment. (his words)
I know for sure that I don't need him to be my boyfriend right now - that's not what I want or need. But it really made me realise we're in a different place right now.
I said to him that I understand and I know he cares about me, and he shows that to me every single day. But there are things that could hurt me because he doesn't want to commit to "us". I said that I prefer not to keep seeing him because I know I'm going to get hurt. He said he wants to be with me, that we could make things work out, that he's really frustrated with himself for not being what I need right now. That this is making him really sad but he understands my decision because he wants me to be okay.
He's a nice man. I know for sure he is. He's honest, and I appreciate that.
I don't know if I made the right choice. Maybe it's just not the right time for us. I don't know if I should keep seeing him and enjoy every day as it comes when we care for each other in this way and not think about the future and just let it be.
I really don't know. I feel really sad.
I'm sorry for this really long post and thank you so much if you read it. xx

So sorry you’re going through this.

I found this account on insta and some of her content is really helping me.

Hope this is allowed https://instagram.com/jillianturecki?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Amyx1518 Sounds good. Hope it goes well.

 

[Amyx1518]

@Amyx1518 Sounds good. Hope it goes well.

Thank you! I’m so sceptical lol

 

[Thank(space)you]

Going on a first date Saturday. Dinner. Met him on pof, been chatting just over a week. He seems lovely, the conversation is flowing and plenty of xxxx at the end of all messages, loads of emojis, hearts, babes and “good morning gorgeous@ etc which I’ve never come across before. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop… every other tosser on pof have turned the convo sexual immediately, but he hasn’t. Not even remotely. I’ve been single (single mum) for 4 yrs and I’m torn between guilt and nerves. I’m dying to cancel but I’m not going to. Never been on a proper dinner date before, was with my ex 10yr and we met as teens. Help!

Good luck! And don't forget this is just as much a chance for you to see if you like him, as it is for him to see if he likes you.

From my experience, the other shoe does drop fairly quickly, but hoping that's not the case for you!


I'm talking to a few people but it's very dry, no banter, no fun, no spark

I've had to block someone as he threw a tantrum because I'd not responded in what he deemed a timely enough manner.

And someone else is a bit of a stalker

Spoiler: Tw: weird behaviour

So he said he's fancied me for the last 12 years and always sees me around. I don't recognise him at all. He then sent me a picture of me at the opticians today when I was there for my daughter's eye test I'd not even mentioned I was going into town. He also has said he knows where my mum works and what her previous job was

 

[sofipbn]

Why do you have to label it ? Sounds to me like what you have is pretty special and it's only been 4 months ...why not just go with the flow, live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is?

@sofipbn Hi. My niece once said to me no-one really knows if they want a relationship until it evolves. A bit like having a first child! You have to follow your instinct but it actually sounds really good to me at this stage. Actually going out. If only I'd got that far . Why not go with the flow while you examine your fears for a little longer?

That's exactly why I don't know if I made the right choice. Maybe I took it too far. Perhaps I just have to go with the flow a little more.
I don't need to label it, but I need to get my head around the fact that he's not going to change his mind anytime soon, and I have to accept that, that I have to settle with him caring about me, but not committing to something. I just don't know if I'm ok with that, knowing it's not going to be more than what it is now.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Yuck. Bet this creep sends this to everyone. He sent it before, maybe a year ago.

Thank you! I’m so sceptical lol

Well let's face it being sceptical is not a bad thing as you may be pleasantly surprised!

 

[sofipbn]

Going on a first date Saturday. Dinner. Met him on pof, been chatting just over a week. He seems lovely, the conversation is flowing and plenty of xxxx at the end of all messages, loads of emojis, hearts, babes and “good morning gorgeous@ etc which I’ve never come across before. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop… every other tosser on pof have turned the convo sexual immediately, but he hasn’t. Not even remotely. I’ve been single (single mum) for 4 yrs and I’m torn between guilt and nerves. I’m dying to cancel but I’m not going to. Never been on a proper dinner date before, was with my ex 10yr and we met as teens. Help!

good luck! let us know how it goes xx

Good luck! And don't forget this is just as much a chance for you to see if you like him, as it is for him to see if he likes you.

From my experience, the other shoe does drop fairly quickly, but hoping that's not the case for you!


I'm talking to a few people but it's very dry, no banter, no fun, no spark

I've had to block someone as he threw a tantrum because I'd not responded in what he deemed a timely enough manner.

And someone else is a bit of a stalker

Spoiler: Tw: weird behaviour

So he said he's fancied me for the last 12 years and always sees me around. I don't recognize him at all. He then sent me a picture of me at the opticians today when I was there for my daughter's eye test I'd not even mentioned I was going into town. He also has said he knows where my mum works and what her previous job was

okay... that's a bit creepy!

 

[Kimmylookatme]

That's exactly why I don't know if I made the right choice. Maybe I took it too far. Perhaps I just have to go with the flow a little more.
I don't need to label it, but I need to get my head around the fact that he's not going to change his mind anytime soon, and I have to accept that, that I have to settle with him caring about me, but not committing to something. I just don't know if I'm ok with that, knowing it's not going to be more than what it is now.

We’re at different stages so I feel a bit fraudy relating to this but I really do, and it’s hard. I’ve been with my partner for over a year now (no idea where that went tbh) we have been exclusive since pretty much straight away, so slightly different, but the way I’m feeling now I really resonate with what you’re saying. We’ve kind of reached a road bump where he says he wants more (like the natural next steps of living together etc) but equally he has xyz issues that mean he can’t do it just yet. He’s made huge commitments in terms of location, job changes and even property buying but now it’s actually come down to the wire it just feels like we’re stagnating and have gone from talking about all the serious commitment stuff back to me wondering whether it’s too much for me to book gig tickets for 6 months time haha. It’s really hard to feel like everything was on a perfect trajectory and then you kind of plateau cos it leaves you wondering. I feel exactly the same as you, I know he really cares etc but you do kind of wonder if theres something wrong because they aren’t throwing all their cards on the table all in one go. I think in your situation everything sounds like it’s progressing well and maybe it is just the label that is freaking him out as he clearly loves spending a lot of time with you. I’d maybe give advice I find hard to take myself haha and say yeah go with the flow and as long as he’s making you happy and vice Versa it’s fine; try and assess whether the situation is making you feel down because of your expectations of how a relationship ‘should’ be or because it is actually falling short of something good. X

 

[sofipbn]

We’re at different stages so I feel a bit fraudy relating to this but I really do, and it’s hard. I’ve been with my partner for over a year now (no idea where that went tbh) we have been exclusive since pretty much straight away, so slightly different, but the way I’m feeling now I really resonate with what you’re saying. We’ve kind of reached a road bump where he says he wants more (like the natural next steps of living together etc) but equally, he has xyz issues that mean he can’t do it just yet. He’s made huge commitments in terms of location, job changes, and even property buying but now it’s actually come down to the wire it just feels like we’re stagnating and have gone from talking about all the serious commitment stuff back to me wondering whether it’s too much for me to book gig tickets for 6 months time haha. It’s really hard to feel like everything was on a perfect trajectory and then you kind of plateau cos it leaves you wondering. I feel exactly the same as you, I know he really cares etc but you do kind of wonder if theres something wrong because they aren’t throwing all their cards on the table all in one go. I think in your situation everything sounds like it’s progressing well and maybe it is just the label that is freaking him out as he clearly loves spending a lot of time with you. I’d maybe give advice I find hard to take myself haha and say yeah go with the flow and as long as he’s making you happy and vice Versa it’s fine; try and assess whether the situation is making you feel down because of your expectations of how a relationship ‘should’ be or because it is actually falling short of something good. X

We have been exclusive as well - he says he doesn't want to follow the 'rules' you should follow when you're in a relationship because he was in a relationship for so long, but he knew that being exclusive was what I needed so he did it because he wants to be with me.
I understand, it's really hard because from what I know, this fear of him comes from his previous (and only) relationship and has nothing to do with me, but can't help but think that maybe there is something wrong as you say.
I'll wait a couple of days and see how I feel. I'm full of emotions today as it just happened last night.
Thank you so much and I hope everything works out well for you too

 

[Kimmylookatme]

We have been exclusive as well - he says he doesn't want to follow the 'rules' you should follow when you're in a relationship because he was in a relationship for so long, but he knew that being exclusive was what I needed so he did it because he wants to be with me.
I understand, it's really hard because from what I know, this fear of him comes from his previous (and only) relationship and has nothing to do with me, but can't help but think that maybe there is something wrong as you say.
I'll wait a couple of days and see how I feel. I'm full of emotions today as it just happened last night.
Thank you so much and I hope everything works out well for you too

Ah sorry I must have misread a bit of your post! I really hope it all works out well for you both. Yeah we all have a lot of baggage and like you say his issues are not to do with you guys but to do with his past. But equally at some point you have to prioritise your own needs above theirs I guess as heartless as it sounds because there’s no point being unfulfilled! It’s really tricky. Definitely give yourself some time to process and figure out how you want to proceed. Thank you x

 

[suzuka__]

@Belle glad you're better. You'll process it all soon enough but the initial shock is tough to take. I get hurt by someone withdrawing after a week or two, let alone a few months.

I wish these emotional cripples figured out it isn't that hard to speak your truth after all. There were a couple of guys this year I could have dragged along, but as soon as I didn't feel like talking to them anymore I've said in a sentence or two how I felt. None of them had any bad reactions to it, they could appreciate it. So it's just a lack of decency, basic communication skills and empathy.

 

[Sandor]

That's exactly why I don't know if I made the right choice. Maybe I took it too far. Perhaps I just have to go with the flow a little more.
I don't need to label it, but I need to get my head around the fact that he's not going to change his mind anytime soon, and I have to accept that, that I have to settle with him caring about me, but not committing to something. I just don't know if I'm ok with that, knowing it's not going to be more than what it is now.

Your situation sounds very similar to what I had and what I’ve discovered is that once they put you in the ‘not a relationship’ box they often struggle to take you out of it. Pointing out you do in fact have a relationship even if it isn’t A Relationship can sometimes get them to reflect

It’s taken a year for mine to finally say ‘you do know I do love you?’ but it doesn’t actually change anything between us. We’re not together. He still cannot be in a relationship with me. I absolutely agree go with the flow but protect yourself too, keep communication open and be honest with not only him but also yourself with what you need and want.

I’m saying this as someone who had an awful row all day a few days ago with this person because he misconstrued something I said to him (about our work of all things). I think it stems from both of us being frustrated that we feel how we feel but can’t make it work. And it’s so stupid because it’s over, we absolutely don’t need to still be talking over things.

Men do have feelings too and I think when they go through trauma they don’t come through it with the same kind of hope for the future we do. All you can do is be yourself in this situation and trust yourself that you’ll cope with it ending or you needing to walk away.

Yuck. Bet this creep sends this to everyone. He sent it before, maybe a year ago.

Well let's face it being sceptical is not a bad thing as you may be pleasantly surprised!

Oh no, the immediate ‘you will serve me wifeling’ undertones