Dating after lockdown #20 I’m done. Too late to become a nun?

[DollyDiamondxo]

Thank you and I’m sorry you’ve been there too. It’s not nice I’m not too devastated or anything but I’m disappointed he thought it was ok to try and lead me on. He was initiating a lot and obviously hoping to keep me on some hook. There is no point confronting him because he’ll play dumb and say “well, Belle, I made it clear this was friendship, so what have I done wrong?!” Turns out he was updating the dating profile while I was away, maybe hoping I wouldn’t notice because I was busy. This was as he was messaging me, flirting with me and there’d even been recent hints at the future. He’s underestimated me again. Not even friends do this to one another.

I had my eyes and ears open the whole time and none of this has come as a massive shock, but it finally feels like I can walk away. I know that I could have walked away permanently 3 months ago and in many ways I did… then he contacted me and everything felt so up in the air between us. It still does to an extent but I don’t actually care anymore. I really thought he was a good guy, but it seems he’s just another sad man seduced by the candy shop that is online dating The grass is definitely not greener and it’ll take a while to find someone who he feels is a better fit than me. On top of that, other than a couple of 2 week stints without contact, we’ve been in touch with each other for 6 months, and he won’t replicate the depth of that connection too quickly or easily… and I won’t be holding his hand anymore!

Current guy makes me laugh, smile and feel desirable. That’s no bad thing right now. I am not even thinking past the next date right now, and will simply see how it unfolds. It’s a bit sad my expectations are so low after all these rubbish experiences, but I have to protect myself. Let’s hope this one surprises me


I can always rely on you to make me giggle!!! I kinda hope it happens too x

The candy shop reference, that’s actually what they treat it as! Lots to choose from but what you said about someone else being a ‘good fit’ is so true. Genuine connections are rare, males don’t realise this a lot of the time so pass up good opportunities to piss about and play playboy. Then by the time they realise they can’t find genuine connections elsewhere! Someone could be perfect and still not be a good fit for someone because your not going to connect with everyone or have things in common with everyone!

 

[lurkingaround123]

Worst date in one line go…
Forgot his wallet and had to drive him

I have three and can't decide which makes my soul curl up the most.

- took me to Nando's, spoke down to me the whole time, got me Fanta in a water glass and I got told off for it by the waitress

- showed up absolutely smashed, spent the entire evening smoking cigs he was bumming off the next table and begging me to sleep with him, tried to follow me home

- was unbelievably rude to the waitress, his card got declined so I had to pay, walked in to the next bar and his friends were all magically there

I love bad date stories so much

 

[Mr Sparkle]

My worst date story was caused by me

It was my first date with a woman and when we were saying bye, I was so preoccupied with panicking about whether we'd hug/kiss/shake hands/whatever that I ended up chatting some nonsense and quoting a meme that made NO SENSE in the context of what she was talking about.

I'd quote the meme but it's become so infamous among my friends that I'm scared someone will identify me from it Basically it involved swinging my elbows and making a poop reference.

She promptly spun around and left, I was MORTIFIED and called a friend, she advised me to send her the meme I was quoting for context. I was laughing/screaming while sending it, and ended up sending her a random GIF of a businessman on the toilet

Miraculously, she still wanted a second date but I was so embarrassed I couldn't face her again

 

[dreamteam1]

I have three and can't decide which makes my soul curl up the most.

- took me to Nando's, spoke down to me the whole time, got me Fanta in a water glass and I got told off for it by the waitress

- showed up absolutely smashed, spent the entire evening smoking cigs he was bumming off the next table and begging me to sleep with him, tried to follow me home

- was unbelievably rude to the waitress, his card got declined so I had to pay, walked in to the next bar and his friends were all magically there

I love bad date stories so much

Ahh you just reminded me of one, he got smashed kept going into the women’s toilets, took me to a gay club, tried to get the taxi to go to his on his way home, oh and also his pupils looked weird (I should’ve left then)

 

[IGiveUp22]

My worst date: front gold tooth & used fake £20 notes to pay for the date. Proceeded to tell me they were fake…I worked for the police at the time too

Bit of an update from me. I came back from my work trip on Friday. Current guy stayed in light contact with me. I’m guessing he wanted to let me get on with things, given how full-on my week was and, to be honest, I didn’t initiate because I was up to my eyeballs. He ramped it up when I was due back, and continued all weekend. We’re meeting later this week. We can’t see each other sooner, and he seemed gutted. It’s been a few weeks since we last saw each other. He cancelled our previous date because his work overran, and then I was going away. So I’m pleased he’s immediately made a plan to see me. He said he’s excited about it. Me too, actually. He’s not a brilliant texter, but he has always been like that. In person though, he makes me feel like the only person in the room. Still really early days with him.

In the meantime, there’s the ex. We’ve maintained contact. More than with my current guy, and it’s been lovely. It has been a month since we reconnected (again) and a few weeks of consistent, great contact, in a way that’s not happened since we dated. He’s flirted innocently a couple of times. A natural opening in the conversation on the weekend led me to ask him to hang out. He said he has plans next weekend, and went to the effort of explaining what he’s up to (he’s away the whole time). That’s fine but he did not thank me for the offer, say he could make X date instead or even suggest we rearrange. I decided to check and his dating profile is still up, he’s bloody updated it and is actively using it again. I’m backing away now. He’ll feel that pull-back and maybe join the dots that it happened immediately after our conversation was ended by me over the meet up idea. He was the one who said he wants to meet for a chat but he wasn’t ready. It’s been a month. What’s the actual problem? What does he need in order to be ‘ready’? Even the sensitive sorts can be total arseholes towards their exes! I’m taking myself off the ride now. Can’t even be arsed to explain anything to him. I really want to avoid being strung along, so I’m no longer initiating conversations, and if he messages me I’ll probably be far less willing to engage in anything meaningful. I’m not an option and it’s the dating app crap that’s got my back up all over again. Selfish p#%*#

I actually like current guy. I’ve kept him at arm’s length because of my ex and I’ve decided I no longer want to do that, but give us a proper chance. I am no longer prepared to wait for my ex to pull himself together or wait on the never never he will properly sort things with me. I refuse to be his emotional support while, behind the scenes, he’s shopping for my replacement OR he’s having to go through that process to realise what he’s got with me. Nope, I deserve someone who sees it immediately. I feel ok about it and see my ex’s selfishness as a real turn off.

I’ve followed your story Belle with the ex because it almost gave me some hope in my situation as I felt your ex sounded a bit similar to the guy that I was dating. I was hoping he wouldn’t turn out like a dick like mine did! I think you’re doing the right thing stepping away now, you deserve someone sure of you & someone that’s willing to put the effort in & give you what you need. You don’t want to be an option for someone that doesn’t know what they want. He’ll realise his mistake one day but that’s on him.
definitely give the new guy a bit more of a chance. Totally understand why you kept him at arms length but think He deserves a bit more of a chance. Everything seems positive about him! I hope it carries on this way. You deserve to be with someone nice xx

 

[Belle123]

The candy shop reference, that’s actually what they treat it as! Lots to choose from but what you said about someone else being a ‘good fit’ is so true. Genuine connections are rare, males don’t realise this a lot of the time so pass up good opportunities to piss about and play playboy. Then by the time they realise they can’t find genuine connections elsewhere! Someone could be perfect and still not be a good fit for someone because your not going to connect with everyone or have things in common with everyone!

Thanks. Online dating and men are a bad combination - they don’t want to settle down when they can (or at least have the illusion of being able to) sow more wild oats. There’s decent guys out there, of that I have no doubt, but the apps have skewed attitudes towards casual sex and commitment. It’s dire. I think @Agent Cooper said above about 80% of men on OLD just want sex and I cannot disagree with that assessment. The age range of 33-46 covers who I’ve chatted to/dated since trying OLD. Prime age range where they should be focused on settling down! So many complain to me they are sick of being the single one in their group, yet they cannot give up the single life.

I literally said to my ex a couple of months back “how often do you think you find someone compatible?!” to get it into his head it’s hard. It’s not as easy as it appears, just because it looks like you have all these profiles at your disposal. It’s an illusion. The chats these past few weeks have just served to demonstrate how much we have in common, make each other laugh and enjoy similar things. He’s an utter fool and can go figure it all out by himself x

My worst date: front gold tooth & used fake £20 notes to pay for the date. Proceeded to tell me they were fake…I worked for the police at the time too



I’ve followed your story Belle with the ex because it almost gave me some hope in my situation as I felt your ex sounded a bit similar to the guy that I was dating. I was hoping he wouldn’t turn out like a dick like mine did! I think you’re doing the right thing stepping away now, you deserve someone sure of you & someone that’s willing to put the effort in & give you what you need. You don’t want to be an option for someone that doesn’t know what they want. He’ll realise his mistake one day but that’s on him.
definitely give the new guy a bit more of a chance. Totally understand why you kept him at arms length but think He deserves a bit more of a chance. Everything seems positive about him! I hope it carries on this way. You deserve to be with someone nice xx

Thank you for this. I was hoping your guy would realise his error. He’s thrown himself into a rebound and I predict it will crash in time. Whether or not it does, you deserved so much better and you will find it

You’re right, and I’m not waiting around anymore for him to figure things out. If he truly doesn’t want me, he should leave me alone instead of feeding me false hope. That’s exactly what my best mate said - he’ll realise what he’s done when it’s all too late and he looks up to see Belle didn’t stay around as his option and, oh no, she’s met someone else! He can go learn the hard way what he’s lost. Sometimes you don’t know really appreciate what you had until it’s gone. Current guy is someone I do feel excited by and I’m really looking forward to seeing him after three weeks x

 

[Sandor]

Worst date (I might have told it before) - I had no idea it was a date. At no point did this man I’d been friends with since school make it clear it was a date. It was exactly what we’d always done when we hung out together. Then all of a sudden he’s talking about me meeting his family and the friends from his childhood that had gone to a different high school. And then he said the immortal line ‘now that I’m your boyfriend…’ And as awful as it is, I laughed, hoping the whole thing was just him being silly. Nope, this man had suddenly decided I was his one and assumed I’d just be in to it.

You know what’s even worse? I was actually dating one of our mutual friends at the time and we ended up ending things because the guy who I was not on a date date with was so traumatised by my rejection it seemed the best thing to do for everyone.

@Belle123 I feel like you’ve reached your own closure point perhaps? It seems to me that he is a good man and he knows you’re good together but for whatever reason he’s put a barrier up as a just in case. I’m just so glad you’ve met someone else where there is something worth exploring.

There is something so hard to get your head around when everything should work/does work but people still hold back. I know a lot of people would call it naivety but I genuinely do think it’s to do with modern dating and hook up culture. Of course peoples minds and feelings change but it’s now perpetuated by external stuff rather than what’s actually happening in the relationship. It’s such a bitter pill to swallow.

 

[Belle123]

Worst date (I might have told it before) - I had no idea it was a date. At no point did this man I’d been friends with since school make it clear it was a date. It was exactly what we’d always done when we hung out together. Then all of a sudden he’s talking about me meeting his family and the friends from his childhood that had gone to a different high school. And then he said the immortal line ‘now that I’m your boyfriend…’ And as awful as it is, I laughed, hoping the whole thing was just him being silly. Nope, this man had suddenly decided I was his one and assumed I’d just be in to it.

You know what’s even worse? I was actually dating one of our mutual friends at the time and we ended up ending things because the guy who I was not on a date date with was so traumatised by my rejection it seemed the best thing to do for everyone.

@Belle123 I feel like you’ve reached your own closure point perhaps? It seems to me that he is a good man and he knows you’re good together but for whatever reason he’s put a barrier up as a just in case. I’m just so glad you’ve met someone else where there is something worth exploring.

There is something so hard to get your head around when everything should work/does work but people still hold back. I know a lot of people would call it naivety but I genuinely do think it’s to do with modern dating and hook up culture. Of course peoples minds and feelings change but it’s now perpetuated by external stuff rather than what’s actually happening in the relationship. It’s such a bitter pill to swallow.

Hi, hope you’re ok. Your story made me clench my arse I was cringing so badly for him. What an assumption to make and how awkward for you!

Thank you so much for this. Despite my “he’s a fool” rants and venting, he really is a good guy going through a lot. The problem is he’s focused on himself and getting empathy by the bucketload from me, but I’m getting very little in return. I don’t need a huge amount from him but it’s not balanced. He does care about me, and always asks after me and remembers things going on… but he’s not empathising on a bigger scale. I now need to step back to protect myself. Only he can decide to take the barrier down. He’s had supportive, kind, funny Belle for weeks now… if he doesn’t feel clearer in what he wants, I cannot help him. I also need to protect myself and pulling back is the only way. Maybe it will inadvertently (because it’s not why I’m doing it) teach him a big lesson in what he’s losing, to suddenly feel this gaping silence. I cannot be in his life in any capacity but his girlfriend. Maybe I’ll end up telling him that if he contacts me and/or queries things. He doesn’t have to pick me, of course not, but I think it’s clear he has to leave me alone if that’s the case. Get off the pot time.

No, it’s not naive to say that. I think the current culture is extremely damaging and toxic. Look how many decent women on here are getting burned by the same things?! It’s not just a coincidence, is it? x

 

[Clickbait]

I have A LOT of bad date stories. Here are just 3:

• He got his penis out in a pub on our second date under the guise of “getting more comfortable” and then proceeded to beg me to touch it, when I refused and told him to put it away he asked whether I would suck it?! I promptly got up to leave and he caught his foreskin in his zip and started howling in pain.

• He wet himself because he was too scared to go to the toilet in case I did a runner. He then asked me to go and lie down in a park with him (in February in the rain) and tried to follow me home. I had to get on a tube in the wrong direction which he also got on and then get off at the next stop at the last minute like I was in some sort of spy movie.

• He turned up dressed in dirty clothes and heinous shoes (with food in his hair) and instead of the 5’10” he claimed to be he was 5’3”. He also admitted to being 8 years older than his photos which was immediately obvious. He took me to an open mic stand up comedy night at a pub (despite me saying I found stand up really awkward). Made sure we were sat the opposite side from the exit and proceeded to try and grope me when the acts started so I had to try and fend him off whilst not drawing attention to us until I could leave. I told him I was leaving and he thought I was joking. He then left many long and strange messages on my phone telling me I was his ideal woman, inviting me camping, asking me to meet his family, inviting me to be his plus one at a wedding etc.

 

[Belle123]

@Clickbait wins! The foreskin part had me - serves the pervert right What the actual hell is wrong with some people?!

My worst one is really tame. Scruffy, made no effort and, as soon as his mouth opened and I saw those teeth, I got the ick. Immediately wanted to leave and ended up enduring dinner before faking my friend is ill nonsense to escape. I felt awful, but his photos had been ever so slightly misleading and I couldn’t take a second longer of him… plus he really grated on me in person

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I joined Badoo & deleted after 5 minutes. Got a few messages but as always I thought I've better things to do. I guess I am apped out. Just can't be bothered with them.

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

I joined Badoo & deleted after 5 minutes. Got a few messages but as always I thought I've better things to do. I guess I am apped out. Just can't be bothered with them.

This is me all over lol. I’m totally apped out but I want someone to talk to and give me abit of attention lol it’s getting me down this week tbh the state of the dating world!

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Clickbait Even I can't top that!! I must admit the foreskin bit seemed like divine justice. What an absolute loser and shows even meeting them in an open or crowded space is not necessarily safe. Urgh.

 

[unidentified]

@Clickbait Wow! for carrying on dating I wanted to cry, laugh and vomit on your behalf reading those

 

[BunnyLebowski]

i absolutely second this!

mid-30s and struggling to find a man i would be happy knowing my full name.



!!!!! - will the bookclub be online somehow?! i would love to join

Me too

 

[Sandor]

I LOVE that that man’s own clothing and hands called him out

@Belle123 that line about I can only be your girlfriend is so good! It’s not an ultimatum, it’s stating what you’re prepared to offer in such an active way. I actually think it will be a really good way to respond if he does get in touch, he can’t have his cake and eat it and also gives you so much autonomy in the situation. I think they need to remember we’re not actually sat here waiting for them to confirm our worth. We’re saying I see yours, what next?

I’m trying so hard to just focus on myself and doing a lot of pondering over general dating and relationship behaviours. I’ve been on Google a lot and have been writing my own responses to toxic self help culture.

Actually got really angry about ‘if they wanted to, they would’ not because I disagree with the sentiment itself, but because when you dissect it, I think it can have the damaging effect of leading us towards the idea that they are going to do it for someone else. I’ve tortured myself with that over the past few months, but now I’m in a situation where I’m watching him not move on, not on the apps etc because he does actually want me. He’s quite a simple man, I think he can’t quite fathom that you can define what your own relationship is. But it doesn’t matter right now, I matter and he can get on with sorting his own happiness out.

I’ve also come to the general conclusion that people have forgotten what feelings actually feel like. And that we’re all older now, it’s not going to be butterflies and anxious knots of passion.

With where I’m specifically at, I do love him, we all know that, and all I can do is accept that’s going to be there for a while and crack on regardless. I’m ok with the fact I love him, he’s great, he makes sense to me etc. But I’m not ok with being wanted by someone who actively hides their desire to express that they want me. I’m not qualified to deal with that.

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

Anyone ever else have a random eye lock with a fit stranger n feel gutted your not going to see them again lol. Walking the dog today. Mind if they’d of thought anything they’d ask for your number surely, though I do think some of them don’t have the guts. Or I tell myself they probably had a girlfriend and we’re just being typical men lol

 

[Thank(space)you]

Anyone ever else have a random eye lock with a fit stranger n feel gutted your not going to see them again lol. Walking the dog today. Mind if they’d of thought anything they’d ask for your number surely, though I do think some of them don’t have the guts. Or I tell myself they probably had a girlfriend and we’re just being typical men lol

Without being big headed i get told by friends I get checked out quite a bit, I'm just totally oblivious to it but every now & again I catch their eye

My plumber came over today and man alive he was hot

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I do think it's inevitable that all of us on this thread will be raising our self esteem because of the support we give and get. Also the tales of dates and the rudeness, entitlement and audacity we all experience, well it couldn't be clearer that it really isn't us and we need to imprint that on our brain.

The other day LaBlonde shared that she felt like she brings a downer to the thread. I was at work so couldn't join in but I wanted to say at LaBlonde, you are an important part of this little gang.
I do feel sometimes because I'm not really into dating, that I come on with some negative story about some asshole but I must say I enjoyed @Clickbait contribution. It does lighten things up.
Well I have a bit of a story, which I will share sometime when I've got the energy to type it out!

 

[Belle123]

I LOVE that that man’s own clothing and hands called him out

@Belle123 that line about I can only be your girlfriend is so good! It’s not an ultimatum, it’s stating what you’re prepared to offer in such an active way. I actually think it will be a really good way to respond if he does get in touch, he can’t have his cake and eat it and also gives you so much autonomy in the situation. I think they need to remember we’re not actually sat here waiting for them to confirm our worth. We’re saying I see yours, what next?

I’m trying so hard to just focus on myself and doing a lot of pondering over general dating and relationship behaviours. I’ve been on Google a lot and have been writing my own responses to toxic self help culture.

Actually got really angry about ‘if they wanted to, they would’ not because I disagree with the sentiment itself, but because when you dissect it, I think it can have the damaging effect of leading us towards the idea that they are going to do it for someone else. I’ve tortured myself with that over the past few months, but now I’m in a situation where I’m watching him not move on, not on the apps etc because he does actually want me. He’s quite a simple man, I think he can’t quite fathom that you can define what your own relationship is. But it doesn’t matter right now, I matter and he can get on with sorting his own happiness out.

I’ve also come to the general conclusion that people have forgotten what feelings actually feel like. And that we’re all older now, it’s not going to be butterflies and anxious knots of passion.

With where I’m specifically at, I do love him, we all know that, and all I can do is accept that’s going to be there for a while and crack on regardless. I’m ok with the fact I love him, he’s great, he makes sense to me etc. But I’m not ok with being wanted by someone who actively hides their desire to express that they want me. I’m not qualified to deal with that.

Thank you. For now, I’m just stepping back and taking space. If it becomes necessary to be more candid, I will tell him. Like you said, it’s not an ultimatum, but voicing my needs and not settling for less. Either step up or go away.

You’re so right about toxic self-help culture! Social media is brimming with pithy “advice” that’s so misguided, including what you’ve said about if they wanted to they would. Yeah, there’s a lot of truth in that when you put two people together who are in relatively-healthy emotional states. However, my ex is going through a traumatic life event and is in a mess between that and other stresses in his life. I don’t want to fix him. I fully understand he has to go through it himself and has to mainly do that on his own and he needs one key thing: time. It’s been three months and I sense him loosening up towards me. This is what’s so hard… I feel closer to him but I’m stung with the dating app thing again. It feels like his intentions are not aligning with mine.

Once he’s recovered a bit more and gets with someone else, does that mean that he “wanted” to with her, whereas he didn’t “want” to with me? It’s not that black and white in the context of where he was at with things with his divorce when he broke up with me vs, say, 6 months later. People and their feelings are complicated. I know men who’ve been through divorce after a long relationship/marriage. One, who’s more open with his emotions, was prepared to talk to me about it more candidly and described the overwhelming emotion of it all, particularly because they were the one dumped and not wanting the divorce. It’s like a death to be grieved. They don’t know what the heck they want next, still love their spouse, and don’t feel worthy of anyone - self esteem is low and self loathing is high. He said it was a mess in his head. He met someone when going through the divorce, broke it off after a short period of dating and rekindled months later. He appreciated her not giving up on him. He had a fling or two in the interim. He went on to marry this woman. It’s very hard not to get influenced by such a real story of real people and real feelings. I know at the heart of this is all about my ex and not me, and the advice about if he wanted to he would is ridiculous in this context - but I could believe it and turn myself inside out and damage my own self esteem if I listened to it. It’s nonsense!

You can’t get into your thirties and not bump into people with scars/stories/wounds/baggage - however you want to define it - and I think it’s more complicated the older we get. The advice I’d give to a 20 year old woman vs a 35 year old woman would generally be the same, but sometimes it’s not right to apply the same advice because they probably have different contexts. For example, a woman of 20 is unlikely to get tangled up with a man who’s come out of a 10 year relationship and all the emotional fallout that brings… she’ll face different challenges. Well, unless she goes for much older men!

I hope you continue to process it all and move forward. It’s very hard to fall out of love with someone when it’s not really what you want. I think the strength you’re showing with keeping him at bay is admirable and is absolutely the right thing to do. There’s the real possibility of being able to move on when we do this… or they have enough space to reflect and come to their senses. We can’t ever bank on that, of course, but they definitely won’t do it if we’re around them all the time, making it easier for them. You’re working through your feelings and I just wish he’d approach it in as healthy a way as you