Dating after lockdown #13 Halloween the ghost(er)s favourite season 🎃

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lurkingaround123

it’s not been changed?! said:
How would you feel if you arranged a date with someone and then you didn’t hear from them for 7 days until the morning of the day you were going to go on the date?
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I wouldn't go, and I would've assumed it wasn't happening I get some people communicate like that but absolutely not. Whether intentional or not, being kept on tenterhooks isn't nice. I'd also tell the person their lack of communication made me feel that way
 
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it’s not been changed?!

Thank(space)you said:
I would've assumed the date was off from the lack of contact, but I'm someone who needs a lot of contact
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I thought I was being dramatic… but I was cheesed off, tbh. He messaged on Sunday morning asking if we were still meeting at 1 at a certain place. Then he sent another message saying he needs to know by 11.30 if it was still happening or not. I still didn’t reply! Even though I wanted to sent a petty message about not thinking it was still on. I refrained. I was expecting him to unmatch me BUT he sent a third messaging saying we’ll have to reschedule
I wasn’t expecting constant contact over the 7 days. But 1 text in the middle of the week would have sufficed!
 
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Thank(space)you

Definitely not being dramatic IMO
 
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ksr96

Unpopular opinion but I just don’t think dating is fun
 
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NoseyNiamh

This thread has been so helpful to me over my whole narc situation. I honestly don't know what I would have done without it.

But I also think it had made me overthink everything when it comes to dating and the fun has disappeared. I feel like I analyse every detail now. Is anyone else feeling like that
 
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Wowitsme

I have adhd people with adhd are not ‘erratic’ as such.
 
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Sprottish

I do know what you mean. This thread is the only one I really engage with and in so many ways it’s been great at getting some perspective on situations. I also feel really invested in other scenarios and it helps you feel like you’re not the only one navigating lockdown dating and all it’s woes!!

However, like with many real life scenarios - you only really hear the bad bits, and as a result you don’t really give off the full picture when you need some advice. I’ve almost posted my current “dilemma” a few times but I’ve refrained, not because I don’t value all your opinions (because realistically getting an outsiders view point is ideal and you’re all seemingly very clued up!) but because it’s so hard to get across the bigger picture without knowing individuals personally. We all know it’s SO easy to say “bin him off, get rid, move on.”
It doesn’t help that im a massive over thinker anyway. I will torture myself with my own thoughts so it’s nice to have an outlet, even just to write out what’s bothering you.
 
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Clickbait

If women trusted their instincts more when it came to dating I am sure there would be less stress and pain involved in dating. It’s the outside noises and influences that stop you hearing/listening to your inner voice.

I can see what you mean @NoseyNiamh about a culture of over-analysis - I think that’s the other trap you can fall in if you’ve switched from ignoring red flags to almost thinking you’re going to find them in every conversation and action.

Some basic rules I think are helpful to consider are:
to ensure their words match their actions;
to set your own non-negotiables and not get swayed away from them (I’d say this would be a relatively short list rather than a list of wants);
to listen to your instincts if you feel something is off and ask for clarity if you want to clear it up.

I’d also say that the portrayal of dating on films/TV and the reality is somewhat different! Sometimes it is unremarkable and disappointing and hard to have your hopes raised only for there to be no chat, no spark, no sexual chemistry, no height, no humour (and the other things you find important). If you need to take a break to find a bit of enthusiasm for it again do so - the men will still be there when you get back (often exactly the same ones too!)
 
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MensaBarbie1985

BunnyLebowski said:
I’ve got BPD too due to some abuse in my childhood. I also wonder if I have ADHD too….it would explain my previous erratic behaviour, which I’m desperately trying to not repeat.
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Thank(space)you said:
Apologies if my previous advice/posts have not been received well. I have BPD & OCD so I completely understand wrt bad mental health.
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Hope you're ok lovely ladies. I have a history of trauma which I do think impacts on my behaviour when it comes to dating despite the years of therapy and medication I've had. I was told at the age of 30 (I'm almost 36 now) that I had BPD but then it was agreed earlier this year this was a misdiagnosis and I actually have ASD. Anyway not about dating really but just to let you know you're not alone...
 
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candyland_

Landscapers aren’t all poor My friend owns a landscaping company and can make more from a job or two than some people make in a year.

I think this thread can make people nit pick things that would never have crossed their minds or bothered them previously. It’s better when you’re relaxed and not overthinking.
 
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Sheabutter

candyland_ said:
I think this thread can make people nit pick things that would never have crossed their minds or bothered them previously. It’s better when you’re relaxed and not overthinking.
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It probably will never be in me to not overthink. Even though I sometimes disagree with things I have read, I do appreciate the chorus of perspectives. It challenges me to inspect my actions and mindset.
 
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nothanksbabes

I agree with you. My ex was a "free spirit", starving (talentless) artist and incidentally, former landscaper (working for a landscaping company, earning fuck all), who'd managed to avoid any and all responsibility by floating around freeloading off everyone he could. Left me in debt so I am very wary now.

I totally get wanting someone on your level. You're not obligated to date anyone you don't want because it's "impolite" to wonder if he's financially independent.
 
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lurkingaround123

This is completely random but these stories about men just randomly springing dates on people at last second after minimal communication has just brought back such an awkward memory

i had plans to go for drinks with a guy last year when everything had opened up in summer. We discussed where we’d go and a rough time etc then he went completely silent and said nothing else. I was out with my mates so wasn’t sat worrying about it and I just assumed he’d message again when he was free. I heard nothing until the day of the date rolled around, he text me and said he was sat in the bar waiting for me. because I hadn’t heard from him for days I just assumed the date was cancelled so I was sat in my dressing gown having just ordered a takeaway. I felt like the meanest person in the world but wtf who does that.
 
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radoxdetox

What they earn has nothing to do with it, it’s all about the individual, I am sure @BunnyLebowski has got a vibe. It happens to us all, I dated a landscaper before, he was earning a lot, spent money (cash) on dates at Oyster Bars, had a gambling interest, drove a beat up old car, lived at home, then his dad bought him a second hand Porsche, really odd situation but wanted me to drive him to Bicester Village because he was ashamed of his van!
 
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Sprottish

Not mean at all!! You don’t owe him anything at that stage. I’m a bit of a hypocrite as I’m a stickler for a concrete plan and my boyfriend is scatty and forgets everything, it irritates me when he needs reminding, but it’s very different for a date!!

got me thinking - can we share some funny/awkward date stories?!

I once met someone off an app and it was for afternoon/evening drinks. I dressed somewhat fancy - think I did jeans heels and a trench coat. He turned up in SWIM SHORTS,a bright orange t shirt and flip flops. Why swim shorts!!?? I was quite new to dating and too polite to ever cut anything short so I was out all bloody night and he just didn’t seem to notice the drastic dress code difference
 
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whathastheworldcometo

I am sure this looked very funny!

I had a smilier experience recently, I wore jeans cropped at the ankle, ballerinas and a silk blouse to a lunch date.
He showed up wearing shorts, a yellow tank top and trainers.
It doesn't sound so bad, but looked it.
And he didn't pay for lunch.
 
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lurkingaround123



I have so many awkward date stories its not even normal.

One time when I was younger some guy invited me on a date to have a Nando's. He insisted on picking me up, then drove in the complete opposite direction of Nando's. I said if you don't take the next left turning and get back on track to Nando's I am calling the police, he turned the right way then. Got there and he was studying a similar degree to me, but he told me I don't understand what he does and was being a patronising little arse and I hated every second of speaking to him. He insisted on paying for it, but came back to the table with the Fanta I asked for in a water glass He went to the loo and the waitress came over and told me off for stealing Fanta. I ate the food so fast and said right time to go, he was insisting he'd take me home and wasn't accepting no as an answer, so mid conversation I just shouted BYE and ran off in the rain.
 
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ksr96

Don’t pity me - but I actually went on a date with that guy from Saturday night

things have really fizzled with the guy I liked that was long distance, so I thought fuck it why not.

we basically had a nice time, he was much more reserved and guarded this time though? We had a good laugh, had a lot to talk about, but he didn’t try and kiss me when we left and sort of seemed… I don’t know, just very different to the extremely full on, over complimentary (‘you are so much hotter than me’) guy that I met on Saturday?! Like I’m surprised at the switch? The whole thing has just left me in a weird state of confusion. I guess he probably just didn’t like me so much as he thought?
 
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candyland_

Was he drinking on Saturday but not this time..? Confident boost at the weekend maybe. What was different about the two dates? How’s he been since?
 
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