I'm so over it. I give it up when I started seeing the narc a few years back. I haven't been with someone new since him and I don't really want to.I can't believe I'm actually saying this but I think I want to stop having casual sex. I'm just not enjoying it so much any more
Yay! We are going on another date!So follow on from my date! I said that as he was shy and introverted, plus that I organised the date myself, I wasn’t going to follow up or plan anything but would be open to a second date. Well I haven’t heard from him since (apart from a message to say he had a nice night etc after the date). I’m fine with this as I really want equal effort in a relationship but overall was a lovely guy and had a lovely first date.
I also matched with the other guy I’m having a date with on Saturday on the same day as him and I saw it took 35 messages between the fire fighter and I to get to date talk and 8 between me and the other guy who is my date on Saturday. So I am optimistic about Saturday, my one criteria is I’ll go on a date if your penis isn’t mentioned in the chat and no penis talk so far! Plus we have a bit more in common and a bit closer in age. Like fire fighter doesnt like travelling and I know it’s a cliche dating app thing but I do like travelling and he’s only been out of the country twice whereas I have lived overseas plus been to almost 30 countries so I have a big passion for it. Anyway, that’s my Monday night wrap uphope everyone had lovely weekends!
Yeah give it a few months, and as the menopause has kicked in, I could probably grow a beard for you too.he has a beard, and has good chat. That is it but he's not drop-dead gorgeous. The thing is we're still messaging on tinder like he hasn't asked for my number?
Yes absolutely this. I know it doesn't matter if you sleep with someone on date 1 or 10 if they're right then they will be BUT I am going to retain my boundaries and self worth to be like nah thanks (and of course there is the risk of micropenis but...I'm so over it. I give it up when I started seeing the narc a few years back. I haven't been with someone new since him and I don't really want to.
The next person I sleep with I want to be really really into them and I'm happy enough wait until then .
I've done both therapy and also the manifesting work and honestly I've personally found the latter more eye opening and awakening for me but everyone is different. It clicked awake things in me that therapy never did - honestly the book "how to stop giving a shit" it was all stuff that I knew but I didn't know and I was like BOOM THAT'S IT!I thought you wanted to give it a break anyway, after what happened twice only a few months /weeks ago, and instead focus on therapy?
Sounds really good! Am happy for youI've done both therapy and also the manifesting work and honestly I've personally found the latter more eye opening and awakening for me but everyone is different. It clicked awake things in me that therapy never did - honestly the book "how to stop giving a shit" it was all stuff that I knew but I didn't know and I was like BOOM THAT'S IT!Can you tell I love the manifesting life? I shall convert the world haha
Yeah and you need to find a proper therapist/counsellor to deal with (the NHS wait list at the moment is also insane and they don't often specialise) which is all a mare! Even bereavement therapy wait lists are 18+ months. I ended up going private to a therapist who combined talking with reiki and she was very good compared to standard CBT ones I'd had in the past. Hopefully there will be a suitable local therapist that can help as the wrong one can set you back more I think!Sounds really good! Am happy for you
But I think that Thank(space)you has had a few experiences that need time to fully digest and to learn how to avoid being in these situations in future
Thank you! I am trying my best. Yeah I matched with both fellas on 9 October! Actually looked and messaged them at the same time haha. This new first date is seemingly already more compatible- he likes travelling for starters haha but definitely more chatty and always asks questions, asks how my day is, tells me about his day and what things he is getting up to. With our date also, I asked him out but we both organised the time and location etc. it is a lot more promising! And he’s also 6”3 which is a massive winYay! We are going on another date!
Doesn’t like travelling? I can understand not liking travelling if you have kids (a fucking hideous expensive nightmare), but not liking it at all?Weird.
Also, he definitely needed to be the one to suggest and arrange the second date. How boring he hasn’t bothered.
Hope the next one is less hard work. You are doing really well
Yeah give it a few months, and as the menopause has kicked in, I could probably grow a beard for you too.
I don’t think beard is a good enough reason. The Yorkshire ripper and Harold shipman both had beards. Just saying.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this! This is a fear of mine too with dating and I know its a minority but it happens.I feel like this. But I worry that sex is expected really early on in dating these days. I’m not a prude and I miss shagging but I’d just rather shag someone I know a bit, trust a bit and can talk to openly which, lets face it, is the key to decent sex.
I also don’t want to bring a virtual stranger (2-3 dates) back to my house.
Am I just going to have to shag earlier than I want? (Not that I’ve been brave enough to start dating yet) I’ve honestly felt that in almost every relationship, I have had to do that.
I like a bit of build up, anticipation, making out etc then looking forward to going further next time. And I really need to know they will stop if I ask them to. But it seems as though if you aren’t shagging immediately you’re going to be dumped.
I was raped when I was 18 and travelling round Australia - so I was on my own and I just pretended it didn’t happen and I was fine. (I wasn’t obviously.) He was the brother of someone I was staying with. We were kissing and I didn’t want to have sex because we had no condom but my wishes didn’t matter to him apparently. He said ‘because wanted to’ afterwards when I asked him why he did it. I was just so shocked.
I’ve had therapy (by the time I got home I was agoraphobic) so sex isn’t a problem but it has left me very cautious about how men may behave when you say no or stop them in the middle of kissing. I don’t want to have to tell this to a random person really. I never talk be about it now although I think about it more than I gave in years these days. I guess because I’m single and it feels relevant again.
Urgh. Sorry. This is a very serious post but I haven’t got anyone to talk about to irl. People look horrified if you talk about stuff like this.
I wanted to stop dating for a while, which I have. My therapy is really helping, I can honestly say I've come on so much and made so much progress. I know I've still got work to do of courseI thought you wanted to give it a break anyway, after what happened twice only a few months /weeks ago, and instead focus on therapy?
I’m so sorry that happened to you, and despite the fact you have had therapy and moved on from it, it will obviously shape future situations/relationships.I feel like this. But I worry that sex is expected really early on in dating these days. I’m not a prude and I miss shagging but I’d just rather shag someone I know a bit, trust a bit and can talk to openly which, lets face it, is the key to decent sex.
I also don’t want to bring a virtual stranger (2-3 dates) back to my house.
Am I just going to have to shag earlier than I want? (Not that I’ve been brave enough to start dating yet) I’ve honestly felt that in almost every relationship, I have had to do that.
I like a bit of build up, anticipation, making out etc then looking forward to going further next time. And I really need to know they will stop if I ask them to. But it seems as though if you aren’t shagging immediately you’re going to be dumped.
I was raped when I was 18 and travelling round Australia - so I was on my own and I just pretended it didn’t happen and I was fine. (I wasn’t obviously.) He was the brother of someone I was staying with. We were kissing and I didn’t want to have sex because we had no condom but my wishes didn’t matter to him apparently. He said ‘because wanted to’ afterwards when I asked him why he did it. I was just so shocked.
I’ve had therapy (by the time I got home I was agoraphobic) so sex isn’t a problem but it has left me very cautious about how men may behave when you say no or stop them in the middle of kissing. I don’t want to have to tell this to a random person really. I never talk be about it now although I think about it more than I gave in years these days. I guess because I’m single and it feels relevant again.
Urgh. Sorry. This is a very serious post but I haven’t got anyone to talk about to irl. People look horrified if you talk about stuff like this.
It's all personally been so helpful for me. Just changing my mindset which has been negative for me since childhood and actually getting to my root cause etc. It amazed me where it all actually stemmed from as I just assumed it was when I got bullied but nope was before that AND my Mum never had positive relationships (she had 1 friend who I've cut off since she died as she was toxic AF and the men in her life were always wasters tbh) and I realised that actually I wasn't often put first which shocked me a bit - added some guilt as she's not here and I felt bad thinking bad but now that's cleared I feel SO much better. It can seem overwhelming but even if you can find a Reiki person maybe give that a whirl once or twice too?@ATV2021 I've started looking into crystals and I've read good vibes good life, I think it's helping with positive mindset.
This is spot on and what I've learnt SO much about on my journey so far. Its knowing your worth and boundaries and sticking to them too which I will definitely implement with any future love possibilities but I truly believe I can manifest the man I deserve when the universe decides the time is rightI’m so sorry that happened to you, and despite the fact you have had therapy and moved on from it, it will obviously shape future situations/relationships.
No, you don’t have to have sex sooner than you’d want to. I feel really strongly that this message needs to get out there - women need to talk more about this so they’re not convinced (usually by men) that it’s the norm to be willing to have sex immediately, they’re “frigid” if they don’t etc.
If you feel a man is going to do a runner/get bored waiting then honestly that man is not worth having. Plus of course having sex doesn’t mean that he’ll stick around after it whether it happened on date one or nine.
What you describe re: wanting to build up to it is completely normal and natural. It can be the way that many people process their feelings about whether they want to pursue a relationship with someone - spend time getting to know them and add a gradual physical connection. If you kiss someone and get the ick, you’re unlikely to want to carry on! If the kisses areyou’ll get excited for what else may work well.
Also, I’ve said this before on these threads but you have no obligation to share anything you are not comfortable with. No new date requires any kind of explanation about why you don’t want to have sex with them. As women we are conditioned to say yes more than no, and so when we say no we often feel that needs to be accompanied with a long explanation or apology. It doesn’t.
Piece of shit! There is still a stigma around being a woman and it needs to stop. Expect that we will just sleep with them because it's the societal "norm" especially on these apps now.I dated a guy (during one of my breaks from the narc).
Date 3 we went to a hotel, I told him I wasn't ready to sleep with him and he said that was fine and we booked it anyway.
We had such a nice day and nothing happened that night. But the following day he got really mad and said I was a tease, I wasted his time and his money (it was evenly split ) and I had had ruined it all by not sleeping with him.
I was in shock!
I pointed out a few times that date 3 was too soon for me. How dare he try to make me feel bad.
Sounds really good! Am happy for you
But I think that Thank(space)you has had a few experiences that need time to fully digest and to learn how to avoid being in these situations in future
TW:sexual assaultI dated a guy (during one of my breaks from the narc).
Date 3 we went to a hotel, I told him I wasn't ready to sleep with him and he said that was fine and we booked it anyway.
We had such a nice day and nothing happened that night. But the following day he got really mad and said I was a tease, I wasted his time and his money (it was evenly split ) and I had had ruined it all by not sleeping with him.
I was in shock!
I pointed out a few times that date 3 was too soon for me. How dare he try to make me feel bad.
I don't even know where to start with all this.TW:sexual assault
I’m so sorry. This is what I mean. I think I’d end up having sex in that situation (before his tantrum) because I’d feel awkward about not doing it.
My boundaries are definitely getting better but after I posted about this I was thinking about it and I realised that every time I have had sex with someone new, I’ve felt it was too early but it’s been because I’ve been too awkward or worried about the reaction asking to wait. It’s never been my suggestion, always something I’ve gone along with. It’s never been coerced and I’ve never communicated it, so it’smy fault, but I’ve been too intimidated (by my anxiety) to stick to my boundary.
I’m thinking now that I actually need to revisit this in therapy and it isn’t processed properly at all. I didn’t even realise it was rape for ages. I just said it was something that went too far. And if pushed I would called it an assault but felt guilty saying it was. Like I was being dramatic. It was when the whole #metoo thing came out that I started properly looking at it. He knew I didn’t want to have sex because when I said afterwards why did you do that you know I didn’t want to, he didn’t act suprised just said that he did (want to), so he did it. I’d been clear before and during and said I didn’t and was obviously not participating but I felt so guilty that I’d started fooling around with him in the first place and as though that meant it wasn’t really anything serious. Even though I knew, rationally it was. Emotionally I felt like it wasn’t and felt so ashamed and stupid. Just afterwards, I told him he hadn’t broken me. I got up and was trying to be full of bravado but didn’t feel it at all. He told me I was already broken in a thousand pieces, like a China doll smashed on a floor. Which sounds lame written like that but at the time it really upset me and made me think again it was my failing. He said I was a shit lay too and clumsy and awkward. That got to me as well which is so ridiculous. It’s like he knew all the stuff to say to me to fuck me up more. I was in such shock I didn’t tell anyone and just denied it to myself and I stayed there a few more days and was just quiet and not doing anything. I think it was actual shock. Then he started locking the house afterward when he left it - told his housemates he was worried about security. The house had steel security doors back and front with deadlocks so I was stuck in there and I couldn’t get out. One of his housemates came home at lunchtime after about three days into this, unlocked the house and told me to leave and not come back. He said that he thought this man (man?…he was only about 22) was a really unpleasant and controlling person and he thought he was dangerous. So I left. Went to a youth hostel and was thoroughly fucked up and agitated and anxious. I left the area after a week. I was meant to be looking for work.
I had loads of one night stands in the couple of years after the rape. (Then two long relationships, the second of which was my ex husband. I didn’t tell him any of this. Don’t know why). The shagging about was a combination of trying to show myself I was ok with sex and also if I agreed to sex with anyone who was interested, in my mind I couldn’t be raped again. It was very skewed logic and it didn’t help me feel better at all but it made sense to me at the timeI didn’t enjoy any of them either. I was too worried about what they might do.
I definitely need to go back to therapy.
Maybe that’s why the universe hasn’t thrown anyone my way yet. I’m just not ready for them.
Sorry for such a serious post. It’s really helped to actually tell people about it in a safe anonymous place. I’ve never been able to talk about it like that.
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