Children or No Children?

[LaBlonde]

Up until I met my husband, I had never really thought about whether I'd want to try and have a baby as I'd always fallen for idiots. I just thought it might not be in the cards for me and quite honestly, I was okay with that! My parents really love children and I have an older sister who also loves children, so always assumed she'd have children, but she didn't.
I met the man of my dreams a few years ago when I was 35 and completely fell for him. We got engaged a few months later and discussed having children. We said we'd start trying once we got married. But then so many things happened (covid, my father had cancer, his family made our lives a living hell) and it's like I became a completely different person. I'm now 38 and to say the clock is ticking is an understatement.
Everything about children annoy me and I feel so terrible saying this. The way they scream, throw tantrums, absolutely everything. When I see a baby it doesn't make me want to try to have one and at the end of the day I feel relieved I don't have a child. I suffer from severe headaches, sometimes migraines and the thought of having a screaming child at home makes my skin crawl. My husband is amazing with children, they love him! He would love to have children, but we've discussed how I feel and he completely understands and respects it's not something we can try if I don't feel 200% sure, but I do feel bad for him.
Sometimes I do wonder if I'd feel differently about my child and he/she wouldn't annoy me. It sucks that us women have age against us.

your entire post spoke to me on every level!

i wouldn’t say i’m undecided as such, i am 95% sure that i don’t want kids, even though i have qualities that would make me a “good” parent, it has just never looked like a lifestyle that would suit me and i don’t think i would suit it either. the entire of having a baby/toddler/child in my life permanently who is fully dependent on me absolutely terrifies me.

the “it’s different if it’s your own” argument is so interesting, because it very well COULD be. but equally, it might not. and what can you do with the child then? they don’t come with a receipt! that terrifies me too

so many people in my life have said “well if you have one then you’ll feel differently” and it’s such an odd concept to me. i would never go up to someone who doesn’t want a pet horse (as an example) and be like “well why not have a horse come and live with you forever and you be solely responsible for its care? you’ll feel differently then”. like. no. i might not!!! the permanence of it all is scary af! even before you start considering what else may go wrong!

i feel some sadness about it but it’s more sadness in how people speak to me and treat me as a childfree woman, rather than any sadness about not having them myself. old age scares me but it scares me with or without children

ultimately, as said eloquently above, i think all any of us can do is live our lives in a way that makes us feel happy and fulfilled. i know there is sometimes sniping between mums and the childfree (i’m guilty of that!) but i think we do, on a deep level, respect each other’s choices. the fact that we’re protective of that choice is what makes both sides lash out sometimes.
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Thats interesting, I am slightly younger (36) but between people I know from school or uni it is about 50/50 who has or hasn't

i’m 37 and same, a solid 50/50 split. it’s similar with people around my age in the work too.

 

[Meg1912]

@LaBlonde, OMG, your post spoke to me on every level too!! I completely agree with everything you said!!
I'm also 95% sure I don't want kids. I highly doubt something will happen that will make me change my mind.
Like you said, it's not like we could return the baby/child! Our next door neighbours have a 3 year old who is completely out of control. It's actually scary. I find myself thinking how I'd cope if I had a child like that!
If I don't get enough sleep, please nobody talk to me for the first 5h after I get up. I hate cooking, cleaning, seriously cannot imagine all the extra work I'd have! Everything grosses me out, so cannot imagine dealing with poop/vomit!
But I do also feel sad when I think my parents won't have a grandchild as I know they'd be amazing, as well as my husband. But it's not something I can do only for others!
I also have health anxiety, so everything pregnancy/labour related scares the crap out of me!
A few years ago, I went to a palm reader and she got absolutely everything right about me, even the things I thought would never happen! She said I'd have 2 children, but like I said, I really don't think I'll suddenly change my mind!

 

[LaBlonde]

@LaBlonde, OMG, your post spoke to me on every level too!! I completely agree with everything you said!!
I'm also 95% sure I don't want kids. I highly doubt something will happen that will make me change my mind.
Like you said, it's not like we could return the baby/child! Our next door neighbours have a 3 year old who is completely out of control. It's actually scary. I find myself thinking how I'd cope if I had a child like that!
If I don't get enough sleep, please nobody talk to me for the first 5h after I get up. I hate cooking, cleaning, seriously cannot imagine all the extra work I'd have! Everything grosses me out, so cannot imagine dealing with poop/vomit!
But I do also feel sad when I think my parents won't have a grandchild as I know they'd be amazing, as well as my husband. But it's not something I can do only for others!
I also have health anxiety, so everything pregnancy/labour related scares the crap out of me!
A few years ago, I went to a palm reader and she got absolutely everything right about me, even the things I thought would never happen! She said I'd have 2 children, but like I said, I really don't think I'll suddenly change my mind!

same - i feel sad for my parents sometimes but i would invariably feel sadder if i had a child and they had to babysit them 90% of the time because i wasn’t coping

i think “it’s different when it’s your own” is a dangerous rhetoric sometimes because, for a lot of women, it’s not different when it’s their own and their fears don’t magically go away. that then causes no end of issues.

i’m with you on everything you’ve said and am pretty secure in my choice too! like i said, the only thing that gives me pause sometimes is the way childfree people are spoken to and about but that’s a relatively minor thing that i can deal with. it’s their issue, not mine. we’re all just out here trying to live our lives in a way that makes us happy!

 

[Sky Sports Main Event]

My 2-cents on this as someone who didn't know they wanted kids until they had one!

I'm in my 30s, the vast majority of my friends do not have children (yet or have decided not)

I was toying with this children or no children thing for years in my head. I didn't know if I was too selfish to have them, I hated the typical mother that is described on the Child Free by Choice page and did not want to become a person who couldn't talk about anything other than my children.

A while ago I found out I was pregnant, partner was immediately ecstatic about it, and after a few days I realised I was too! I loved being pregnant (although don't miss it) and I love being a mother. I still have a "good life" as I have a good support network for child minding whenever we want to do things. My child is less than a year old and we've done weekends away, nights out, weddings, hens/stags. I don't feel like I've compromised much of my before child life, other than things require a slight bit more planning. (I appreciate that wouldn't be the case for everyone). ETA here obviously at least 95% of my time is spent with my child

I was adamant I wanted to still be a woman and not transform into a mother that had no sense of self, if that makes sense. There are obviously very hard days but I had those days pre-child too!

 

[Deeznutslol]

I hated the typical mother that is described on the Child Free by Choice page and did not want to become a person who couldn't talk about anything other than my children.

Personally I would quite like kids and so would my husband (when we’re a bit older and more financially stable) however I’ve always found the stance taken by many on the ‘child free by choice’ pages (never read the one on this particular site tbf so can’t comment on that) a bit misogynistic and off putting.

 

[LaBlonde]

Personally I would quite like kids and so would my husband (when we’re a bit older and more financially stable) however I’ve always found the stance taken by many on the ‘child free by choice’ pages (never read the one on this particular site tbf so can’t comment on that) a bit misogynistic and off putting.

i can only speak for the one here (which i know you’re not!) and have never had that experience there. i sorta find the opposite is true - in that i am always told that, as childfree woman, i am not doing what a woman is supposed to do or what the point of my existence should be (ie to raise a child), in particular with some experiences i’m having in my workplace right now. our cfbc thread has been a huge support to me through that.

i suppose misogyny works all ways though and i can definitely see that both sides play the card occasionally. the militant factions on both viewpoints cross the line sometimes.

 

[Deeznutslol]

i can only speak for the one here (which i know you’re not!) and have never had that experience there. i sorta find the opposite is true - in that i am always told that, as childfree woman, i am not doing what a woman is supposed to do or what the point of my existence should be (ie to raise a child).

i suppose misogyny works all ways though and i can definitely see that both sides play the card occasionally. the militant factions on both viewpoints cross the line sometimes.

That’s interesting, maybe I will check it out in that case! I’m mainly going from what I’ve seen on twitter, which to be fair is a toxic cesspit where everyone seems to have really extremist views on everything !
Yeah see that is the side of it that intrigues me, I feel the need to have a child but when I think about it deeply, I wonder why am I even feeling this way? Is it the pressure we feel from society to become mothers, or is it some deeper biological urge?

 

[Mamacita]

My 2-cents on this as someone who didn't know they wanted kids until they had one!

I'm in my 30s, the vast majority of my friends do not have children (yet or have decided not)

I was toying with this children or no children thing for years in my head. I didn't know if I was too selfish to have them, I hated the typical mother that is described on the Child Free by Choice page and did not want to become a person who couldn't talk about anything other than my children.

A while ago I found out I was pregnant, partner was immediately ecstatic about it, and after a few days I realised I was too! I loved being pregnant (although don't miss it) and I love being a mother. I still have a "good life" as I have a good support network for child minding whenever we want to do things. My child is less than a year old and we've done weekends away, nights out, weddings, hens/stags. I don't feel like I've compromised much of my before child life, other than things require a slight bit more planning. (I appreciate that wouldn't be the case for everyone). ETA here obviously at least 95% of my time is spent with my child

I was adamant I wanted to still be a woman and not transform into a mother that had no sense of self, if that makes sense. There are obviously very hard days but I had those days pre-child too!

That's good to hear. Glad to see this thread as I definitely am on the fence and to be honest,reading the childfree thread, does put me more in the 'no children' camp. The thing is, it is difficult to hear different perspectives, as the threads for people with children either focus on complaining about how hard it is and the different issues with pregnancy and then parenthood, which really doesn't sell it and where people do say positive things it's often 'yes I'm completely exhausted, but it's so worth it', without talking about practical considerations and balanced view. Online it seems very much "having children is awful" Vs "having children is the only worthwhile thing in life"

 

[LaBlonde]

That’s interesting, maybe I will check it out in that case! I’m mainly going from what I’ve seen on twitter, which to be fair is a toxic cesspit where everyone seems to have really extremist views on everything !
Yeah see that is the side of it that intrigues me, I feel the need to have a child but when I think about it deeply, I wonder why am I even feeling this way? Is it the pressure we feel from society to become mothers, or is it some deeper biological urge?

it’s certainly been a huge support to me so hopefully it’s useful to you too i think there’s always going to be people who cross the line into toxicity on all viewpoints, and this one is such a sensitive subject. i’ve seen posts here (meaning tattle in a general sense!) which have definitely been needlessly cruel from both sides of the argument. i think it’s so personal that people get protective of whatever their choice is.

it is interesting! i do find, especially around when my period is about to start, that sometimes i’m like but am i SURE i don’t want a baby? and like you say i don’t know if that’s me or my hormones society pressure is big too, i get so much shock and sadness (and sorta patronising comments about no one visiting me in an old people’s home) about being childfree that it makes me think should i be feeling sad for myself?! it’s an absolute minefield
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That's good to hear. Glad to see this thread as I definitely am on the fence and to be honest,reading the childfree thread, does put me more in the 'no children' camp. The thing is, it is difficult to hear different perspectives, as the threads for people with children either focus on complaining about how hard it is and the different issues with pregnancy and then parenthood, which really doesn't sell it and where people do say positive things it's often 'yes I'm completely exhausted, but it's so worth it', without talking about practical considerations and balanced view. Online it seems very much "having children is awful" Vs "having children is the only worthwhile thing in life"

this is i do think, as said above, people get super protective of the choice they’ve made (understandably) and so it is sometimes hard to find a measured view when you’re on the fence.

likewise, i think sometimes the childless and childfree by circumstance etc get lost in the conversation, which isn’t fair.

 

[Mamacita]

it’s certainly been a huge support to me so hopefully it’s useful to you too i think there’s always going to be people who cross the line into toxicity on all viewpoints, and this one is such a sensitive subject. i’ve seen posts here (meaning tattle in a general sense!) which have definitely been needlessly cruel from both sides of the argument. i think it’s so personal that people get protective of whatever their choice is.

it is interesting! i do find, especially around when my period is about to start, that sometimes i’m like but am i SURE i don’t want a baby? and like you say i don’t know if that’s me or my hormones society pressure is big too, i get so much shock and sadness (and sorta patronising comments about no one visiting me in an old people’s home) about being childfree that it makes me think should i be feeling sad for myself?! it’s an absolute minefield
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this is i do think, as said above, people get super protective of the choice they’ve made (understandably) and so it is sometimes hard to
find a measured view when you’re on the fence.

likewise, i think sometimes the childless and childfree by circumstance etc get lost in the conversation, which isn’t fair.

It is interesting, I definitely feel it changes for me during the month. First part of my cycle I'm like maybe it's not such a bad idea. But then the two weeks before my period I'm like nope, I'm 100% childfree, no chance.

 

[Deeznutslol]

it’s certainly been a huge support to me so hopefully it’s useful to you too i think there’s always going to be people who cross the line into toxicity on all viewpoints, and this one is such a sensitive subject. i’ve seen posts here (meaning tattle in a general sense!) which have definitely been needlessly cruel from both sides of the argument. i think it’s so personal that people get protective of whatever their choice is.

it is interesting! i do find, especially around when my period is about to start, that sometimes i’m like but am i SURE i don’t want a baby? and like you say i don’t know if that’s me or my hormones society pressure is big too, i get so much shock and sadness (and sorta patronising comments about no one visiting me in an old people’s home) about being childfree that it makes me think should i be feeling sad for myself?! it’s an absolute minefield
---


this is i do think, as said above, people get super protective of the choice they’ve made (understandably) and so it is sometimes hard to find a measured view when you’re on the fence.

likewise, i think sometimes the childless and childfree by circumstance etc get lost in the conversation, which isn’t fair.

No literally same, certain times of the month I’m just like omg I wish I had a little baby here right now and other times of the month I’m like duck ever having kids lmao. Completely depends on where I am in my cycle .

Honestly I find comments like that really strange and actually quite toxic. Whether or not your children stay in touch with you or not when they have grown up depends entirely on how you raise them and treat them, just pushing a child out doesn’t automatically mean you now have a life long relationship and someone to visit you in the nursing home… I’m very much of the view that parents owe their kids everything and kids owe their parents absolutely nothing (which is quite an extreme take I know and obviously if your parents were loving then you’ll probably love them back and want to take care of them when they’re old) but I feel like often parents take their kids for granted and I’d never want to have a child with the view of “well I’d better have one because that’s what I’m supposed to do so at least I won’t be lonely when I’m older”.

 

[Ingognito.Queen]

That's good to hear. Glad to see this thread as I definitely am on the fence and to be honest,reading the childfree thread, does put me more in the 'no children' camp. The thing is, it is difficult to hear different perspectives, as the threads for people with children either focus on complaining about how hard it is and the different issues with pregnancy and then parenthood, which really doesn't sell it and where people do say positive things it's often 'yes I'm completely exhausted, but it's so worth it', without talking about practical considerations and balanced view. Online it seems very much "having children is awful" Vs "having children is the only worthwhile thing in life"

I agree - I find the Childfree by Choice thread a bit extreme at times.

 

[Mamacita]

No literally same, certain times of the month I’m just like omg I wish I had a little baby here right now and other times of the month I’m like duck ever having kids lmao. Completely depends on where I am in my cycle .

Honestly I find comments like that really strange and actually quite toxic. Whether or not your children stay in touch with you or not when they have grown up depends entirely on how you raise them and treat them, just pushing a child out doesn’t automatically mean you now have a life long relationship and someone to visit you in the nursing home… I’m very much of the view that parents owe their kids everything and kids owe their parents absolutely nothing (which is quite an extreme take I know and obviously if your parents were loving then you’ll probably love them back and want to take care of them when they’re old) but I feel like often parents take their kids for granted and I’d never want to have a child with the view of “well I’d better have one because that’s what I’m supposed to do so at least I won’t be lonely when I’m older”.

Yeah that's a discussion I had with my partner as one of his reasons for having children is having someone there when you're old. I pointed out that I live in a completely different country than my family??! To which he said "fair point" and my family did treat me well, I just wanted to move. You literally can't control it. I know so many people who moved from UK to e.g. Australia and see their parents every few years. It is selfish to expect that the children will always stay near you.

 

[ThePidge]

I agree - I find the Childfree by Choice thread a bit extreme at times.

Some of the comments about children wearing glasses/disabilities and womens bodies are just… I don’t really have the words.
I’ll leave it at that.

ETA: just to reiterate my initial comment on this thread was purely my experience from being child free, to on the fence, to having children- as that is what this thread is for.
Hopefully my comments don’t continue to be dissected, as we can all say “but X may not feel the same as you do” about absolutely anything.

 

[LaBlonde]

Some of the comments about children wearing glasses/disabilities and womens bodies are just… I don’t really have the words.
I’ll leave it at that.

some of the posts have fully crossed the line tbh, and i say that as a poster there (the comments about women’s bodies and children’s hobbies in particular). it also doesn’t help when it all descends into taking swipes for no reason.

as i said above, both sides have been needlessly cruel to each other, especially here sadly, when i think we could probably have a better and more open discussion if we actually engaged with each other on an equal level. but maybe it’s too late, which is a shame.

 

[Millyhex]

But surely, being childfree because you don’t want your body to change, and being child free because you know you could not handle raising a child with disabilities, are valid reasons to stay childfree? Like, some people who have had eating disorders may not be able to cope with the body changes that come with carrying a child. Some people have a genuine fear of pregnancy and breastfeeding. Not to defend everything that’s said on there, but I think the childfree by choice thread gives people an anonymous outlet to express their opinions, which in my opinion is a good thing

 

[Deeznutslol]

But surely, being childfree because you don’t want your body to change, and being child free because you know you could not handle raising a child with disabilities, are valid reasons to stay childfree? Like, some people who have had eating disorders may not be able to cope with the body changes that come with carrying a child. Some people have a genuine fear of pregnancy and breastfeeding. Not to defend everything that’s said on there, but I think the childfree by choice thread gives people an anonymous outlet to express their opinions, which in my opinion is a good thing

I personally don’t think anyone even needs a reason to stay child free tbh. If you don’t want kids, don’t have them .
As I say, I can’t speak for the particular thread on tattle as I haven’t read it, so I’ll just speak for what I’ve seen some of the child free people on twitter say, but often it seems like they just really despise kids and are more interested in ripping into mothers than discussing child free life, fears around pregnancy and expressing opinions in general.

 

[smellsofbiscuits]

Some of the comments about children wearing glasses/disabilities and womens bodies are just… I don’t really have the words.
I’ll leave it at that.

ETA: just to reiterate my initial comment on this thread was purely my experience from being child free, to on the fence, to having children- as that is what this thread is for.
Hopefully my comments don’t continue to be dissected, as we can all say “but X may not feel the same as you do” about absolutely anything.

I did want to add my two cents re more children wearing glasses these days. It's common to have preschool children attend eye tests to help identify any issues. My eldest has a marginally problem with his vision which would never have been picked up on unless he had this test. Due to his age, getting glasses at preschool age improves his chances of having better vision as he gets older.

And here I come, bursting out of the closet as a Childfree thread lurker

I keep meaning to add to this thread as I am in the camp of "childfree until I became pregnant" too. Many of my friends, especially those already parents, were shocked when I had my kids so I don't give off parent vibes

But yeah, happy to share my story with those on the fence. But I have 6 hours with no children so I'm going to clean out my cupboards and binge watch Below Deck before the mini snack witches return

 

[ThePidge]

some of the posts have fully crossed the line tbh, and i say that as a poster there (the comments about women’s bodies and children’s hobbies in particular). it also doesn’t help when it all descends into taking swipes for no reason.

as i said above, both sides have been needlessly cruel to each other, especially here sadly (and again i include myself in this as being snarky back, mainly when people start sniping about being alone in old age, the plants not buying you mother’s day cards etc), when i think we could probably have a better and more open discussion if we actually engaged with each other on an equal level. but maybe it’s too late, which is a shame.

Parents aren’t allowed on the thread to join in on any banter/suggestions (holidays etc.), so I don’t think there is a chance to have an open or equal discussion there, which is a shame, you’re absolutely right!

Having said that, I do think there should be a place for such extreme views and they should just stay there

I think this thread is really nice and I’m always happy to discuss experiences and listen to others- so it’s nice this has opened up for both sides so I suppose we can have the discussion here!

But surely, being childfree because you don’t want your body to change, and being child free because you know you could not handle raising a child with disabilities, are valid reasons to stay childfree? Like, some people who have had eating disorders may not be able to cope with the body changes that come with carrying a child. Some people have a genuine fear of pregnancy and breastfeeding. Not to defend everything that’s said on there, but I think the childfree by choice thread gives people an anonymous outlet to express their opinions, which in my opinion is a good thing

All valid reasons absolutely. But sadly how you’ve worded it here, isn’t put across the same way on that thread (not all commenters, but some!).

I think some of the commenters don’t realise some disabilities aren’t noticed until after birth!

 

[Belle Amie]

some of the posts have fully crossed the line tbh, and i say that as a poster there (the comments about women’s bodies and children’s hobbies in particular). it also doesn’t help when it all descends into taking swipes for no reason.

as i said above, both sides have been needlessly cruel to each other, especially here sadly, when i think we could probably have a better and more open discussion if we actually engaged with each other on an equal level. but maybe it’s too late, which is a shame.

A poster from the childfree thread came to the new baby thread for advice on gifts and we were nothing but nice and welcoming, your thread don’t allow posts from anyone except those who seem to despise ‘crotch goblins’ as I’ve seen written on there.
I don’t think I’d want to be on an equal level with people who have such vile things to say about children with thick glasses especially as this was me as a child, I almost had to have surgery at 2 years old for my eyesight. Is that my mums fault no it’s not, same as me having IBS isn’t her fault. Are those comments necessary all because one thread jokes cats and plants can’t buy a Mother’s Day card.
If you’re having such an internal battle whether you want kids or not or even like them, I’d say it’s best not to if you think your love wouldn’t change and you don’t want to change your life you’re risking a child with poor attachment and emotional neglect.