A thread sparked by a discussion in Childfree by Choice for those who are on the fence about having children to discuss feelings, thinkings, pros and cons etc.
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Great thread!
For years, I didn't want children and neither did my partner. We both are happy as we are and I just haven't felt the urge to have them. As in, I wouldn't mind having one, if I did find myself pregnant unexpectedly, I would keep it and likely would be just as happy with our life as without one. That alone never seemed "sufficient" for me to have children. Not actively not wanting something doesn't seem fair for such a huge choice.
Another reason is my job. I work in tech, it's pretty intense and I honestly fear that I couldn't get back in after taking time off. My previous job was so intense that I don't see how I could have had a kid with it, the hours were insane and short notice, and my partner's wasn't much better. I don't think I would have had the headspace I need for both a kid and the job. I've switched jobs about half a year ago and the working hours are much more sensible. Since then the thought of "maybe" as been creeping up on me. I've female colleagues in the same position with kids who are able to have a job and a family, most of them also not living close to relatives. I didn't have that before, it was all male colleagues. They had plenty of children, but they also had partners either staying at home or in part-time work.
I'm 33. There's not a huge amount of time left to answer this question, especially if isn't happening fast for us if we decide to have children. We live away from the potential grandparents and any other family. I currently think that if I had a child, I would like to go back to work, yet I know that minimally my partner's family would not be supportive at all of that choice, as "a mother is supposed to watch them" (hypocrite, she worked in a kindergarten!). I fear my partner kind of thinks the same, even though I've gently tried to explain that my career means not going back after a year or two means no job to go back to at all, the industry moves too fast. It's just the way he has been socialized. My mum also stayed at home with us until my younger sis was ~10, but she went back after that. MIL only went into some weird part-time stuff after her youngest left home at 17!
I'm afraid of bringing up the subject with my partner, tbh. He just started self-employment and while we're well off financially, it just also doesn't seem to be a good time if we decided to go for it now. There's so much else I want, I'd love to buy a house, ideally closer to our families and all that and it just doesn't seem doable.
For years, I didn't want children and neither did my partner. We both are happy as we are and I just haven't felt the urge to have them. As in, I wouldn't mind having one, if I did find myself pregnant unexpectedly, I would keep it and likely would be just as happy with our life as without one. That alone never seemed "sufficient" for me to have children. Not actively not wanting something doesn't seem fair for such a huge choice.
Another reason is my job. I work in tech, it's pretty intense and I honestly fear that I couldn't get back in after taking time off. My previous job was so intense that I don't see how I could have had a kid with it, the hours were insane and short notice, and my partner's wasn't much better. I don't think I would have had the headspace I need for both a kid and the job. I've switched jobs about half a year ago and the working hours are much more sensible. Since then the thought of "maybe" as been creeping up on me. I've female colleagues in the same position with kids who are able to have a job and a family, most of them also not living close to relatives. I didn't have that before, it was all male colleagues. They had plenty of children, but they also had partners either staying at home or in part-time work.
I'm 33. There's not a huge amount of time left to answer this question, especially if isn't happening fast for us if we decide to have children. We live away from the potential grandparents and any other family. I currently think that if I had a child, I would like to go back to work, yet I know that minimally my partner's family would not be supportive at all of that choice, as "a mother is supposed to watch them" (hypocrite, she worked in a kindergarten!). I fear my partner kind of thinks the same, even though I've gently tried to explain that my career means not going back after a year or two means no job to go back to at all, the industry moves too fast. It's just the way he has been socialized. My mum also stayed at home with us until my younger sis was ~10, but she went back after that. MIL only went into some weird part-time stuff after her youngest left home at 17!
I'm afraid of bringing up the subject with my partner, tbh. He just started self-employment and while we're well off financially, it just also doesn't seem to be a good time if we decided to go for it now. There's so much else I want, I'd love to buy a house, ideally closer to our families and all that and it just doesn't seem doable.
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Oh god im going to find this thread so triggering but it’s literally my life right now 
I don’t even want to think about it, but I know eventually I’ll have to make a decision either way. I know it could possibly be the thing that breaks us up, but things aren’t great as they are anyway
I don’t even want to think about it, but I know eventually I’ll have to make a decision either way. I know it could possibly be the thing that breaks us up, but things aren’t great as they are anywayThank you for starting this thread. I’ve been lurking on the childfree thread, but not felt like I’d belonged as there is part of me that would like to have children.
I’m 38 so know I may have left it too late, but I also have hope.
I am single, struggle to date, run my own business and also care for my mum and nanna.
I already feel pulled in many directions without adding a child into the mix.
I have considered sperm donation, and adoption. I have a pre adoption information session booked for next month.
I am not sure I want to go down thesingle mother route, but likewise I haven’t found a decent guy that wanted commitment.
It’s such a big decision
I’m 38 so know I may have left it too late, but I also have hope.
I am single, struggle to date, run my own business and also care for my mum and nanna.
I already feel pulled in many directions without adding a child into the mix.
I have considered sperm donation, and adoption. I have a pre adoption information session booked for next month.
I am not sure I want to go down thesingle mother route, but likewise I haven’t found a decent guy that wanted commitment.
It’s such a big decision
I really want children in a few years but struggle with the idea of just creating another human being without their consent tbh.
It’s kind of mad that we were all just brought here by our parents whether we wanted our lives or not, and if we want out then we basically just have to kill ourselves
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It’s kind of mad that we were all just brought here by our parents whether we wanted our lives or not, and if we want out then we basically just have to kill ourselves
.I have this exact feeling. Tbh, most of the time, I don't like being alive. It's a whole load of responsibility without a whole lot of fun. I don't know if I want to subject a child to thisI really want children in a few years but struggle with the idea of just creating another human being without their consent tbh.
It’s kind of mad that we were all just brought here by our parents whether we wanted our lives or not, and if we want out then we basically just have to kill ourselves
This is a great thread. As another poster said this is going to be quite triggering for me also. I am also in a state of limbo.
Honestly - for me one of the pros to not having children (right now anyway) is a selfish one.
I just love my independence. The thoughts of not being able to do as I like when I like terrifies me.
I love nothing more than being able to have a lie in on a Saturday/Sunday, booking a spontaneous weekend away, going out for drinks after work, treating myself to an overpriced handbag.
All of that disappears when children arrive.
Honestly - for me one of the pros to not having children (right now anyway) is a selfish one.
I just love my independence. The thoughts of not being able to do as I like when I like terrifies me.
I love nothing more than being able to have a lie in on a Saturday/Sunday, booking a spontaneous weekend away, going out for drinks after work, treating myself to an overpriced handbag.
All of that disappears when children arrive.
When I was younger I wanted children and envisaged myself having them eventually. But then I went through something and the prospect of pregnancy and birth is now quite terrifying.
Also as others have said I like my life how it is now, with no responsibility beyond myself and my partner.
My parents were abusive and neglectful so that's another aspect. I know how bad things can be and the effect it can have when parents get things wrong. The responsibility is huge.
But my partner is amazing and he would be an amazing father. He wants children and part of me wants to give him children.
Given my upbringing I'm less sure about how good a parent I would be. Although I am in counselling to try and work through these things.
I also have a chronic illness which will likely be made worse by going through pregnancy.
So I feel I'm being pulled in a lot of different directions and it's such a huge decision. But I'm 34 and the clock is ticking (it's so hard on women to have to deal with this aspect too)
So yeah. They are my ramblings on the subject.
Also as others have said I like my life how it is now, with no responsibility beyond myself and my partner.
My parents were abusive and neglectful so that's another aspect. I know how bad things can be and the effect it can have when parents get things wrong. The responsibility is huge.
But my partner is amazing and he would be an amazing father. He wants children and part of me wants to give him children.
Given my upbringing I'm less sure about how good a parent I would be. Although I am in counselling to try and work through these things.
I also have a chronic illness which will likely be made worse by going through pregnancy.
So I feel I'm being pulled in a lot of different directions and it's such a huge decision. But I'm 34 and the clock is ticking (it's so hard on women to have to deal with this aspect too)
So yeah. They are my ramblings on the subject.
Up until I met my husband, I had never really thought about whether I'd want to try and have a baby as I'd always fallen for idiots. I just thought it might not be in the cards for me and quite honestly, I was okay with that! My parents really love children and I have an older sister who also loves children, so always assumed she'd have children, but she didn't.
I met the man of my dreams a few years ago when I was 35 and completely fell for him. We got engaged a few months later and discussed having children. We said we'd start trying once we got married. But then so many things happened (covid, my father had cancer, his family made our lives a living hell) and it's like I became a completely different person. I'm now 38 and to say the clock is ticking is an understatement.
Everything about children annoy me and I feel so terrible saying this. The way they scream, throw tantrums, absolutely everything. When I see a baby it doesn't make me want to try to have one and at the end of the day I feel relieved I don't have a child. I suffer from severe headaches, sometimes migraines and the thought of having a screaming child at home makes my skin crawl. My husband is amazing with children, they love him! He would love to have children, but we've discussed how I feel and he completely understands and respects it's not something we can try if I don't feel 200% sure, but I do feel bad for him.
Sometimes I do wonder if I'd feel differently about my child and he/she wouldn't annoy me. It sucks that us women have age against us.
I met the man of my dreams a few years ago when I was 35 and completely fell for him. We got engaged a few months later and discussed having children. We said we'd start trying once we got married. But then so many things happened (covid, my father had cancer, his family made our lives a living hell) and it's like I became a completely different person. I'm now 38 and to say the clock is ticking is an understatement.
Everything about children annoy me and I feel so terrible saying this. The way they scream, throw tantrums, absolutely everything. When I see a baby it doesn't make me want to try to have one and at the end of the day I feel relieved I don't have a child. I suffer from severe headaches, sometimes migraines and the thought of having a screaming child at home makes my skin crawl. My husband is amazing with children, they love him! He would love to have children, but we've discussed how I feel and he completely understands and respects it's not something we can try if I don't feel 200% sure, but I do feel bad for him.
Sometimes I do wonder if I'd feel differently about my child and he/she wouldn't annoy me. It sucks that us women have age against us.
i've always said i'd have kids if i could be a father, i'm so on the fence but the idea of having to go through a pregnancy and birth and then have the expectations of being a mother absolutely terrifies me! i don't have a maternal instinct at all and i don't know how people just 'know'!
I’m going to put my two pence in, but I was child free by choice until into my 30’s. I was adamant I didn’t want children (I had nieces and nephews to fill that void) and when I met my husband, the feeling to have a family and seeing others started to make me question my choices- which I think was a big red flag. I’m not maternal in the slightest and this was something that massively worried me too.
I’m very fortunate to say that I’m well travelled, got to where I want in my career, yet my husband and I still felt something was missing- We became bored of lying in, going for walks, drinking/nights out and doing the regular stuff and came to realise that we wanted a family.
I’m not going to stand on my soapbox and say “you don’t know what you’re missing”, as there are days where I’m tested and I think “good grief, give me those lie ins back” but it’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done and I found out I am actually very maternal. It’s crazy how a little person just comes into your world when you think your heart is already full (maybe it was the part of me that I never knew was missing), but I wouldn't want to be in a life without her. Life really does change and for me, luckily it was for the better!
the saying is true- it’s different when it’s your own. I think you really have to think about these things and give it time (I appreciate time isn’t on everyone’s side). but the biggest things for me were, questioning my choices, did I want to remain at the point I was at and did I want to get to a point where it was all too late and always think “what if?” (Early menopause runs in my family, so time was a bit of a worry for me!).
Follow your heart whether it be with or without children, only you and your partner know what will make you truly happy…
I’m very fortunate to say that I’m well travelled, got to where I want in my career, yet my husband and I still felt something was missing- We became bored of lying in, going for walks, drinking/nights out and doing the regular stuff and came to realise that we wanted a family.
I’m not going to stand on my soapbox and say “you don’t know what you’re missing”, as there are days where I’m tested and I think “good grief, give me those lie ins back” but it’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done and I found out I am actually very maternal. It’s crazy how a little person just comes into your world when you think your heart is already full (maybe it was the part of me that I never knew was missing), but I wouldn't want to be in a life without her. Life really does change and for me, luckily it was for the better!
the saying is true- it’s different when it’s your own. I think you really have to think about these things and give it time (I appreciate time isn’t on everyone’s side). but the biggest things for me were, questioning my choices, did I want to remain at the point I was at and did I want to get to a point where it was all too late and always think “what if?” (Early menopause runs in my family, so time was a bit of a worry for me!).
Follow your heart whether it be with or without children, only you and your partner know what will make you truly happy…
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this is amazing and i'm so glad you've found where your family is meant to be! i am finding currently on social media there was a big swing from happy parent content to childfree content and i've constantly been surrounded by how absolutely miserable being a parent is and it's really affecting my decision when i know it shouldn't.
i do think i'm in the same boat where i am enjoying life for what it is right now but i don't know if this is my forever! so thank you for your amazing words.
Thank you
, i think social media is all smoke and mirrors… look at the life changing products that are constantly advertised but are not on the shelves in stores! I was constantly swinging for that year before we decided to actually start trying and even when I was pregnant, I was totally in denial of all the change that was coming and still thinking “is this right?”… I think you’re never going to be truly ready as it’s such a big thing and it’s fear of the unknown
Just continue to enjoy life. There’s nothing wrong with being on the fence and know that mine wasn’t an overnight decision and neither should yours- you’ll know when you know
I think everything always fall into place!
Doesn't it seem like women should have decided whether or nor they want children from being young ? It doesn't seem like being undecided is an acceptable option.
Then if someone does decide to have children , there are other circumstances involved too.
I found it interesting that only 1 girl from my class at school hasn't had a child . The rest of us have ( we are turning 40 now .)
Then if someone does decide to have children , there are other circumstances involved too.
I found it interesting that only 1 girl from my class at school hasn't had a child . The rest of us have ( we are turning 40 now .)
Thanks for creating this thread! I can feel like the Childfree thread isn't entirely relevant to me at times as I am a naturally maternal person and do mourn the thought that I won't have my own family. That being said, I recently split up with my partner because of our different views on this, so you could argue I'm clearly swaying more one way. But to be honest I don't know, and even a few months on it's still something that I am ruminating on constantly.
I've posted similar before but honestly the scariest thing to me is that so much of your enjoyment of parenthood is just luck of the draw. You can get a gauge elements such as family/childcare support beforehand (essential), having friends in the same position/a friendship group that is family orientated, an employer that is supportive of working mothers, etc. But at the end of the day it mostly comes down to whether you have a child that likes sleep, is well-behaved, happy and cute or is disagreeable, obnoxious, bad-tempered and sickly, and that's not even touching on the possibility of having a child with additional needs.
Sometimes I do think us fence-sitters would actually handle the negative aspects of parenthood much better, as it is a decision we had fully considered (unlike the majority of parents it seems) and entered into in full knowledge and acceptance of the prospective challenges. I know if I did ever change my mind and unfortunately ended up regretful, I would still not complain and feel sorry for myself as this was a conscious choice that I had made, and no one had hoodwinked or failed to warn me of the reality (which I see claimed so often it baffles me). I also think making your peace beforehand with the fact that as a mother you will be shouldering the majority of the childcare and mental load will also make your experience somewhat more palatable.
I've posted similar before but honestly the scariest thing to me is that so much of your enjoyment of parenthood is just luck of the draw. You can get a gauge elements such as family/childcare support beforehand (essential), having friends in the same position/a friendship group that is family orientated, an employer that is supportive of working mothers, etc. But at the end of the day it mostly comes down to whether you have a child that likes sleep, is well-behaved, happy and cute or is disagreeable, obnoxious, bad-tempered and sickly, and that's not even touching on the possibility of having a child with additional needs.
Sometimes I do think us fence-sitters would actually handle the negative aspects of parenthood much better, as it is a decision we had fully considered (unlike the majority of parents it seems) and entered into in full knowledge and acceptance of the prospective challenges. I know if I did ever change my mind and unfortunately ended up regretful, I would still not complain and feel sorry for myself as this was a conscious choice that I had made, and no one had hoodwinked or failed to warn me of the reality (which I see claimed so often it baffles me). I also think making your peace beforehand with the fact that as a mother you will be shouldering the majority of the childcare and mental load will also make your experience somewhat more palatable.
A thing I didn't touch upon in my first post and that is a huge consideration for me about having children is honestly other parents. I struggle with being lonely and I sometimes thought that having a child for ease some of that, as you naturally have more interaction with other people with a kid. That's my problem, my social anxiety and nothing a child should solve nor is here for. More importantly though - so very often when I see parents with their kids, I wouldn't want to be friends with them or even meet up with them. The thought of needing to deal with them when having a child scares me off 
Thats interesting, I am slightly younger (36) but between people I know from school or uni it is about 50/50 who has or hasn't
We had a couple of teenage pregnancies, then most people had their children during their 20s. Then at age about 37, those who hadn't had children before all had their first baby ( except the one who is still child free) . Including one girl who swore she would never have children.
The majority of the boys are now parents too.
Interesting! No teen pregnancies, I think the earliest one I know of from my year was 23. Some more had children then, but I think around 28 - 32 is when things started to gear up. Especially during Covid a lot of them had their first or second, regardless of gender. I think I'm in the minority now. Some of them even have three by now
mind-boggling, having finished elementary school already, etc and here we are, still asking ourselves whether we should go for it!I’m 26 and out of my whole school year I could genuinely count on 1 hand the number of people who have had babies already
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