Children or No Children?

[ThePidge]

I’m going to put my two pence in, but I was child free by choice until into my 30’s. I was adamant I didn’t want children (I had nieces and nephews to fill that void) and when I met my husband, the feeling to have a family and seeing others started to make me question my choices- which I think was a big red flag. I’m not maternal in the slightest and this was something that massively worried me too.

I’m very fortunate to say that I’m well travelled, got to where I want in my career, yet my husband and I still felt something was missing- We became bored of lying in, going for walks, drinking/nights out and doing the regular stuff and came to realise that we wanted a family.

I’m not going to stand on my soapbox and say “you don’t know what you’re missing”, as there are days where I’m tested and I think “good grief, give me those lie ins back” but it’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done and I found out I am actually very maternal. It’s crazy how a little person just comes into your world when you think your heart is already full (maybe it was the part of me that I never knew was missing), but I wouldn't want to be in a life without her. Life really does change and for me, luckily it was for the better!

the saying is true- it’s different when it’s your own. I think you really have to think about these things and give it time (I appreciate time isn’t on everyone’s side). but the biggest things for me were, questioning my choices, did I want to remain at the point I was at and did I want to get to a point where it was all too late and always think “what if?” (Early menopause runs in my family, so time was a bit of a worry for me!).

Follow your heart whether it be with or without children, only you and your partner know what will make you truly happy…

 

[jackolantern]

IMO the reason the CF thread gets flack is because alot of the comments come across as outright hateful towards parents as opposed to supportive towards those who aren't, which surely was the aim? I genuinely believe most people don't care whether or not you want/have kids. Yeah there will always be judgemental pricks, but as is with everything in life. I think it's unfair to say the threads for parents are full of complaining, again it's supposed to be there as a support network so there is going to be posts about our stresses to vent (but there's a fuck ton saying how much we love our babies too - bit selective not acknowledging this?). I've seen hideous comments on the CF thread about disabled children (including from people who supposedly work with children?!), women's bodies being ruined and the like. Like, yes if you don't want kids for those reasons, it's absolutely your choice and better you don't tbh, but you don't need to extend the criticism to OTHER people's children and OTHER women's bodies. I don't like football, so I don't spend my time lurking in a space saying how much I hate it and criticising everyone else who likes y'know. I will agree those in the parent threads probably get a little hacked off from time to time but once you're a parent having someone be so hateful towards your children is fucking rotten honestly. I don't think that can be compared to making a joke about cards from a houseplant.

Hopefully this thread will be a happy medium. People from both sides should be supported in their choices.

Have kids, don't. Neither changes your worth as a person and we all have more to offer than that status.

 

[LaBlonde]

Enjoy your lie ins, cats and paid for plane seats and I’ll enjoy my life watching my son become a kind member of society who accepts everyone including those with screeching rats and without.

why does it always have to come back to this though? i get you were lashing out at that poster but, gosh, why must it always come to back to “enjoy your cats, i’ll enjoy raising an actual human being” “enjoy your empty lie ins, i’ll enjoy contributing to society” - you may have been baited but you also sadly proved the point.

 

[Deeznutslol]

I really want children in a few years but struggle with the idea of just creating another human being without their consent tbh.
It’s kind of mad that we were all just brought here by our parents whether we wanted our lives or not, and if we want out then we basically just have to kill ourselves .

 

[theweekend]

Thanks for creating this thread! I can feel like the Childfree thread isn't entirely relevant to me at times as I am a naturally maternal person and do mourn the thought that I won't have my own family. That being said, I recently split up with my partner because of our different views on this, so you could argue I'm clearly swaying more one way. But to be honest I don't know, and even a few months on it's still something that I am ruminating on constantly.

I've posted similar before but honestly the scariest thing to me is that so much of your enjoyment of parenthood is just luck of the draw. You can get a gauge elements such as family/childcare support beforehand (essential), having friends in the same position/a friendship group that is family orientated, an employer that is supportive of working mothers, etc. But at the end of the day it mostly comes down to whether you have a child that likes sleep, is well-behaved, happy and cute or is disagreeable, obnoxious, bad-tempered and sickly, and that's not even touching on the possibility of having a child with additional needs.

Sometimes I do think us fence-sitters would actually handle the negative aspects of parenthood much better, as it is a decision we had fully considered (unlike the majority of parents it seems) and entered into in full knowledge and acceptance of the prospective challenges. I know if I did ever change my mind and unfortunately ended up regretful, I would still not complain and feel sorry for myself as this was a conscious choice that I had made, and no one had hoodwinked or failed to warn me of the reality (which I see claimed so often it baffles me). I also think making your peace beforehand with the fact that as a mother you will be shouldering the majority of the childcare and mental load will also make your experience somewhat more palatable.

 

[DaisyDaisy87]

this is a beautiful post and i fully agree with it.

i’ve done a lot of soul searching as to whether my personality and my lifestyle will suit a child as (like you say) they are actually little beings (who don’t come with a returns receipt) who aren’t going to act the way you want them to a lot of time. asides from my ocd, as mentioned above, i don’t cope well with people being in my space all the time, being fully responsible for someone else…. i think i know in my heart i wouldn’t be a good parent and a child wouldn’t have a good time with me (in the most basic of terms!)

There’s a phrase ‘a bad mum doesn’t worry about being a bad mum’. While that obviously doesn’t mean you should definitely have children, I think there’s something to be said for the fact that at least people who are on the fence about it are actually considering and weighing up the realities of having a child which probably does make you much more prepared than a lot of parents!

It is a massive life change, it tests your relationships and it’s full on (we don’t have family around us and I’ve quit my job to be a SAHM which I do feel very fortunate to have been able to do).

However I love my little boy a ridiculous amount and could not ever envisage a world without him now, I’ve always been an impatient person but it’s amazing the patience and love you suddenly develop. It’s a real privilege seeing him grow up and how quickly he’s learning new things. He’s so happy and developing such a sense of humour he’s such fun to be around and I genuinely love hanging out with him and taking him to new places. It’s cheesy but he really is my best friend.

This isn’t to convince anyone by any means, I absolutely support the reasons for being childfree. I just wanted to share some positivity as it’s not always mums moaning, I think a lot of times our thread is actually quite funny and you can tell how much everyone loves their little ones

 

[Ingognito.Queen]

This is a great thread. As another poster said this is going to be quite triggering for me also. I am also in a state of limbo.

Honestly - for me one of the pros to not having children (right now anyway) is a selfish one.
I just love my independence. The thoughts of not being able to do as I like when I like terrifies me.
I love nothing more than being able to have a lie in on a Saturday/Sunday, booking a spontaneous weekend away, going out for drinks after work, treating myself to an overpriced handbag.

All of that disappears when children arrive.

 

[Deeznutslol]

But surely, being childfree because you don’t want your body to change, and being child free because you know you could not handle raising a child with disabilities, are valid reasons to stay childfree? Like, some people who have had eating disorders may not be able to cope with the body changes that come with carrying a child. Some people have a genuine fear of pregnancy and breastfeeding. Not to defend everything that’s said on there, but I think the childfree by choice thread gives people an anonymous outlet to express their opinions, which in my opinion is a good thing

I personally don’t think anyone even needs a reason to stay child free tbh. If you don’t want kids, don’t have them .
As I say, I can’t speak for the particular thread on tattle as I haven’t read it, so I’ll just speak for what I’ve seen some of the child free people on twitter say, but often it seems like they just really despise kids and are more interested in ripping into mothers than discussing child free life, fears around pregnancy and expressing opinions in general.

 

[ThePidge]

I agree - I find the Childfree by Choice thread a bit extreme at times.

Some of the comments about children wearing glasses/disabilities and womens bodies are just… I don’t really have the words.
I’ll leave it at that.

ETA: just to reiterate my initial comment on this thread was purely my experience from being child free, to on the fence, to having children- as that is what this thread is for.
Hopefully my comments don’t continue to be dissected, as we can all say “but X may not feel the same as you do” about absolutely anything.

 

[Belle Amie]

some of the posts have fully crossed the line tbh, and i say that as a poster there (the comments about women’s bodies and children’s hobbies in particular). it also doesn’t help when it all descends into taking swipes for no reason.

as i said above, both sides have been needlessly cruel to each other, especially here sadly, when i think we could probably have a better and more open discussion if we actually engaged with each other on an equal level. but maybe it’s too late, which is a shame.

A poster from the childfree thread came to the new baby thread for advice on gifts and we were nothing but nice and welcoming, your thread don’t allow posts from anyone except those who seem to despise ‘crotch goblins’ as I’ve seen written on there.
I don’t think I’d want to be on an equal level with people who have such vile things to say about children with thick glasses especially as this was me as a child, I almost had to have surgery at 2 years old for my eyesight. Is that my mums fault no it’s not, same as me having IBS isn’t her fault. Are those comments necessary all because one thread jokes cats and plants can’t buy a Mother’s Day card.
If you’re having such an internal battle whether you want kids or not or even like them, I’d say it’s best not to if you think your love wouldn’t change and you don’t want to change your life you’re risking a child with poor attachment and emotional neglect.

 

[confusedlady]

i've always said i'd have kids if i could be a father, i'm so on the fence but the idea of having to go through a pregnancy and birth and then have the expectations of being a mother absolutely terrifies me! i don't have a maternal instinct at all and i don't know how people just 'know'!

 

[Moderator]

Locking. No one cba with dealing with all this crap yet again from the same topics. People arguing and giving mods a headache will be perm banned and you'll only have yourself to blame.

No matter how many posts you have you'll still get banned. Mods never want to get involved or ever ban anyone, but the same people constantly getting into arguments with crap for us to deal with is ridiculous.

 

[Hashtagnotspon]

When I was younger I wanted children and envisaged myself having them eventually. But then I went through something and the prospect of pregnancy and birth is now quite terrifying.

Also as others have said I like my life how it is now, with no responsibility beyond myself and my partner.

My parents were abusive and neglectful so that's another aspect. I know how bad things can be and the effect it can have when parents get things wrong. The responsibility is huge.

But my partner is amazing and he would be an amazing father. He wants children and part of me wants to give him children.

Given my upbringing I'm less sure about how good a parent I would be. Although I am in counselling to try and work through these things.

I also have a chronic illness which will likely be made worse by going through pregnancy.

So I feel I'm being pulled in a lot of different directions and it's such a huge decision. But I'm 34 and the clock is ticking (it's so hard on women to have to deal with this aspect too)

So yeah. They are my ramblings on the subject.

 

[Sky Sports Main Event]

Honestly when I was child free I found a huge pressure from society to be doing more with my time. Why wasn't I travelling the world, why wasn't I doing further education, why wasn't I more involved in clubs.... I think no matter what age or stage you are at, societal pressures will always be there. You just gotta live your own life. Nobody has lived a life where they have done everything perfectly at the perfect age.

 

[calmyourritas]

Honestly I was never sure if I wanted kids until one day something just clicked and then suddenly it was like that was all I wanted.

Yes it’s bloody tough. The journey to get there wasn’t easy, we had a rough start and then when you are suddenly allowed to take a tiny baby home it’s the most terrifying thing in the world. Yes, some days are shit and I sit and cry but other days I’m on top of the world. But then… this isn’t really new for me? I always had good and bad days, it’s just in a different way.

That being said, being a mum is honestly the best thing I’ve ever done, seeing her smile when I walk into the room beats it all. My life hasn’t stopped, it’s just changed for the better.

Oh and I still have a cheeky wine on an evening

 

[Ingognito.Queen]

That's good to hear. Glad to see this thread as I definitely am on the fence and to be honest,reading the childfree thread, does put me more in the 'no children' camp. The thing is, it is difficult to hear different perspectives, as the threads for people with children either focus on complaining about how hard it is and the different issues with pregnancy and then parenthood, which really doesn't sell it and where people do say positive things it's often 'yes I'm completely exhausted, but it's so worth it', without talking about practical considerations and balanced view. Online it seems very much "having children is awful" Vs "having children is the only worthwhile thing in life"

I agree - I find the Childfree by Choice thread a bit extreme at times.

 

[I’mThankyou_]

No, it wasn’t aimed at your post.


I’m ‘not very balanced’ but I’ve clearly been posting things in support of mothers?

This is coming across as incredibly defensive and kind of proves all of my points, so I won’t engage with it.

I don’t think calling children screeching rats is supportive of parents.

But it didn't take long for this thread to descend into a slanging match against those who do have children.

 

[shadowcat5]

A thread sparked by a discussion in Childfree by Choice for those who are on the fence about having children to discuss feelings, thinkings, pros and cons etc.

 

[jenna6387]

Thank you for starting this thread. I’ve been lurking on the childfree thread, but not felt like I’d belonged as there is part of me that would like to have children.

I’m 38 so know I may have left it too late, but I also have hope.

I am single, struggle to date, run my own business and also care for my mum and nanna.

I already feel pulled in many directions without adding a child into the mix.

I have considered sperm donation, and adoption. I have a pre adoption information session booked for next month.

I am not sure I want to go down thesingle mother route, but likewise I haven’t found a decent guy that wanted commitment.

It’s such a big decision

 

[Smca53]

Me pre booking seats cost an extra £100, but ok. Doesn’t mean everyone else has money to spend.
It might not even be a holiday but someone having to go to their home country and having minimal spends
I might not prebook next time, and leave a random to look after my kids

This terrible attitude is exactly the reason people cba with certain types of parents the entitlement is astounding. Why should someone else pay £100 but then move somewhere they don’t want to sit, all because you didn’t want to pay it? Wild.