Childfree by choice #7 Parents: not everything is about you

[flutternutter]

I was previously childfree NOT by choice. I have recently become "by choice" in the sense of giving up.

Everyone is making me feel like a monster because I wanted kids for so long and over the years of losses and misery I've got less and less interested and now, I just want to go on expensive holidays and buy designer handbags... will they all catch on to my new lifestyle or am i destined to live a life of people TELLING me how much im going to regret not spending every day of my life and every penny i own to produce a child?

 

[stroppysal]

So glad I've found this thread! Sick of being made to feel like there's something wrong with me for not wanting kids.

Also this made me laugh, thought it would be appropriate here

 

[pinkmug]

I was previously childfree NOT by choice. I have recently become "by choice" in the sense of giving up.

Everyone is making me feel like a monster because I wanted kids for so long and over the years of losses and misery I've got less and less interested and now, I just want to go on expensive holidays and buy designer handbags... will they all catch on to my new lifestyle or am i destined to live a life of people TELLING me how much im going to regret not spending every day of my life and every penny i own to produce a child?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with that, it must be a pain especially after you've had to deal with losses and go through your grief. You've come to a decision and it's your life, I can't believe people have the audacity to lecture you about this.

 

[flutternutter]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with that, it must be a pain especially after you've had to deal with losses and go through your grief. You've come to a decision and it's your life, I can't believe people have the audacity to lecture you about this.

Yea it's pretty awful isn't it? I felt energised by my decision. Dare I say... new year, new me. I've applied for a new passport, I've ordered myself things I wouldn't usually spend money on.
I had hoped people would say, good on you! Well done on moving on and not making this the central focus of your life...

Sometimes I think people like you staying in your box

 

[ATV2021]

I don't need to even say anything. Goes well with the title!!

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I don't need to even say anything. Goes well with the title!!

So self entitled!

Someone actually said to me once that “you can’t complain you’re tired until you’ve had kids”.

I used to suffer from fatigue from a b12 deficiency, I’m pretty sure I know a bit about tiredness.

 

[Chandler Bing]

So self entitled!

Someone actually said to me once that “you can’t complain you’re tired until you’ve had kids”.

I used to suffer from fatigue from a b12 deficiency, I’m pretty sure I know a bit about tiredness.

I f*****g hate that line! Especially when it comes from parents, who have the grandparents babysit every weekend!

 

[Norfolking Good]

It’s just the I’m more tired than you thing which sticks in my craw. You don’t get a medal or a commendation for being more tired than someone else just because you have kids. Would they tell a soldier or surgeon that their tiredness is irrelevant because Augustus and Ellie-Mai didn’t get their full 10hrs sleep? Get in the bin.

 

[GirlOnTheTrain]

So self entitled!

Someone actually said to me once that “you can’t complain you’re tired until you’ve had kids”.

I used to suffer from fatigue from a b12 deficiency, I’m pretty sure I know a bit about tiredness.

I have the same thing with B12 (or lack of)…it can be quite debilitating. The whole ‘you don’t know tiredness blah blah’ thing really winds me up…you don’t have the authority on tiredness just because you have kids!

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I have the same thing with B12 (or lack of)…it can be quite debilitating. The whole ‘you don’t know tiredness blah blah’ thing really winds me up…you don’t have the authority on tiredness just because you have kids!

Yeah totally! I used to get home from work and I’d lie on my couch and I didn’t even have the energy to pick up my phone or the tv remote. I’d just lie there.

People think the world owes them a living when they have kids!

 

[ATV2021]

Yeah totally! I used to get home from work and I’d lie on my couch and I didn’t even have the energy to pick up my phone or the tv remote. I’d just lie there.

People think the world owes them a living when they have kids!

And having kids is a choice. Having debilitating illnesses is not.

So back of the line witches should have got here earlier. We've got work to get to not SAHM life haha

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

And having kids is a choice. Having debilitating illnesses is not.

So back of the line witches should have got here earlier. We've got work to get to not SAHM life haha

Exactly! If you choose to have a child then you need to accept you’re going to lose out on sleep!

Honestly some parents are so bitter. I’m quite financially comfortable and I go on a lot of holidays and trips and other nice things and there’s definitely bitterness from people that I work with.

I don’t mention much about my life because I don’t want to come across as boasting, but if people ask what I’m doing when I’m off then obviously I’ll say and there’s definitely negative reactions.

I can afford my life because I don’t have kids. I chose not to have kids so that I could enjoy myself.

 

[Norfolking Good]

People are funny about money and seem to resent you either saving or spending if you’re on a good wage. I never understand what the issue is if you choose to have kids then they’re expensive but if you choose not to are you expected to just not enjoy life if you’re able? My grandfather always used to say ‘enjoy your life as you’re dead a long time’ and I always feel this is a good motto (however upsetting it is to our parental friends!).

 

[flutternutter]

People are funny about money and seem to resent you either saving or spending if you’re on a good wage. I never understand what the issue is if you choose to have kids then they’re expensive but if you choose not to are you expected to just not enjoy life if you’re able? My grandfather always used to say ‘enjoy your life as you’re dead a long time’ and I always feel this is a good motto (however upsetting it is to our parental friends!).

This is definitely part of my issue. I get a pretty decent wage, husband doesnt get too bad so collectively we're doing ok. Our mortgage and bills are about 1/4 of our income, and we dont attempt to save money on gas & electric or food shop. So all in, we're comfortable.

That said, we live a modest life. Our car is 7 year old - fully paid off years ago, our house is modest, we could 100% so with modernising it. If I mention getting anything done or upgrading car I just get "it must be nice to have soooo much money" as if it's my problem they are poor? Previously when we wanted kids this was incredibly hurtful as I was miserable so yea I DID buy flashy things to cheer me up.

It just seems to be a very short memory of other tit ppl may have on/have went through when it comes to jealousy!

 

[penny1992]

Does anyone else wish women could naturally opt out of periods? I got my depo shot yesterday, have been on it for years due to endometriosis. I haven't had my period for years and it is utter bliss. The one time I did take a break from it and for my period I felt revolting, like repulsed . Depo has worked amazingly for me, I know I know it can be controversial due to the bone density warning but I get checks done and am okay and the studies are very outdated (I feel I have to justify it lol).

 

[littlewonder]

I hate how parents think being a parent automatically makes them oppressed. And the worst part is other people encourage it - nobody gives a duck about inaccessiblity for disabled people until people start going ‘but how would you get a buggy up there? that’s absolutely disgraceful for parents!’ but they think it’s totally reasonable that ‘not everything should revolve around disabled people’

they try and play the oppression Olympics and basically insinuate that they wouldn’t have time to be disabled because they’re so busy? ermmmm?!?

or even worse when they’re not disabled but have disabled kids and think I want to hear their kids entire medical history just because I’m in a wheelchair, wtf? even as a parent, it’s not yours to share and I don’t want to know! they think they’re above criticism and want a medal for ‘dealing’ with a child they chose to have. If you’re not prepared to raise a disabled child then you shouldn’t have children at all.

 

[Chandler Bing]

I hate how parents think being a parent automatically makes them oppressed. And the worst part is other people encourage it - nobody gives a duck about inaccessiblity for disabled people until people start going ‘but how would you get a buggy up there? that’s absolutely disgraceful for parents!’ but they think it’s totally reasonable that ‘not everything should revolve around disabled people’

they try and play the oppression Olympics and basically insinuate that they wouldn’t have time to be disabled because they’re so busy? ermmmm?!?

or even worse when they’re not disabled but have disabled kids and think I want to hear their kids entire medical history just because I’m in a wheelchair, wtf? even as a parent, it’s not yours to share and I don’t want to know! they think they’re above criticism and want a medal for ‘dealing’ with a child they chose to have. If you’re not prepared to raise a disabled child then you shouldn’t have children at all.

That's one of the many reasons I don't want kids, I 100% could not take care of a disabled child. And yeah it's different when it's your own and blah blah blah, but when I was a child myself, I had to take care of a disabled parent so yeah, I'm done on that for one lifetime!

 

[Jane Porcupine]

duck them! You live your life how you choose. You've dealt with some lo

Does anyone else wish women could naturally opt out of periods? I got my depo shot yesterday, have been on it for years due to endometriosis. I haven't had my period for years and it is utter bliss. The one time I did take a break from it and for my period I felt revolting, like repulsed . Depo has worked amazingly for me, I know I know it can be controversial due to the bone density warning but I get checks done and am okay and the studies are very outdated (I feel I have to justify it lol).

I'm the same. Also I work in medicine and you are right that those studies are outdated and have been debunked.

 

[mdizzl3]

People are funny about money and seem to resent you either saving or spending if you’re on a good wage. I never understand what the issue is if you choose to have kids then they’re expensive but if you choose not to are you expected to just not enjoy life if you’re able? My grandfather always used to say ‘enjoy your life as you’re dead a long time’ and I always feel this is a good motto (however upsetting it is to our parental friends!).

Haha, I once got bitched about here on the Mumsnet thread because I’d replied to a “how much do you have in savings” thread and some bitter person quoted my post saying I was a bullshitter. I’ve never earned loads (like 35k average) but funnily enough when you are childfree and have a cheap lifestyle and don’t live in London, you can save loads (before the COL crisis anyway). We saved a 20% deposit in 4ish years while renting. Really annoys me when people moan about how they can’t rent and save and that they’re stuck in rentals - then mention they have 2 kids. Sorry but you should have planned better!

 

[Anne1448]

Haha, I once got bitched about here on the Mumsnet thread because I’d replied to a “how much do you have in savings” thread and some bitter person quoted my post saying I was a bullshitter. I’ve never earned loads (like 35k average) but funnily enough when you are childfree and have a cheap lifestyle and don’t live in London, you can save loads (before the COL crisis anyway). We saved a 20% deposit in 4ish years while renting. Really annoys me when people moan about how they can’t rent and save and that they’re stuck in rentals - then mention they have 2 kids. Sorry but you should have planned better!

This reminds me of the "How much do you have in savings" Thread on Tattle.

Someone was pissed that some of us could easily save over a grand per month then claimed that we were only able to do it by living with our parents. They simply couldn't imagine that we might live below our means, not have kids or live in affordable towns.