How fucked up is it that we are deemed mentally broken and must have lived through some sort of trauma as an explanation as to why we don’t want children.I've just got to the bit in June where someone asked about getting their tubes tied - I managed to get it done on the NHS in my late 20s, which I'm immensely grateful for and I don't think would happen now, I'd get fobbed off with a Mirena. I started asking my GP at around 23 for a referral, got refused, kept asking every six months when I had to go back to see him to get my prescription for the pill, and after four or five years of this the GP who took over from him when he retired got fed up enough to refer me. I then saw two different gynaecologists, who weren't very happy about the idea and eventually said that if I'd agree to attend a couple of sessions with a psychiatrist for evaluation then they'd do it if he agreed. So off I went to the psych, who had somehow got the idea that I wanted my entire womb and ovaries removed, so I spent most of the first session explaining that wasn't the case, and then in the second session he said he wanted to hypnotise me to see if there was some lingering childhood trauma that meant I didn't want kids. He failed to put me in a trance and was so annoyed by this that he sat on my notes for six months, refusing to hand them back to the gynacology side of things. In the end I wrote a really annoyed letter to the Primary Care Trust in charge, which ended with 'I understand that everyone is concerned about me making a life-changing decision at a relatively young age. But a 17-year-old getting pregnant and deciding to keep her baby is also a life-changing decision at a relatively young age and she doesn't have to work her way through two GPs, two gynaecologists and a psychiatrist to be allowed to make that decision.' I had an invitation for a pre-op assessment four weeks later. Best thing I ever did.
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How fucked up is it that we are deemed mentally broken and must have lived through some sort of trauma as an explanation as to why we don’t want children.
I wonder how many men are getting sent for psychiatric evaluation if they don't want children?! Quite an assumption to make about you having unresolved trauma because you don't want to have children.
In regards to dolls, I was quite into dolls. My best friend and I played with them quite late into our childhood. I was always the one who everyone said would get married and have kids first. Have yet to do either at 31.
I always saw kids in my future and even slightly do now but the actually concept of it is a big no.
I always saw kids in my future and even slightly do now but the actually concept of it is a big no.
Also seems really unethical to me? One, to treat not wanting kids as a psychiatric problem and two, to suggest hypnosis as a way of ‘confirming’ this. I would not feel comfortable with that at all, given how easy it can be to create false memories.
I wasn't comfortable with it at the time, but felt I didn't really have a choice but to go along with it. It was nearly 20 years ago though.
For some reason it's perfectly fine to say you want a "mini me"Ugh yes, their comments were making my skin crawllike how they said they couldn’t wait to have a ‘mini me’ they could dress up
In other childfree discussions, I’ve seen people mention that a lot of men just want the ‘Kodak moments’. In other words all the ‘special’ moments you’d see in a Kodak ad, like blowing out the candles on their first birthday cake, teaching them to ride a bike, sending them off to their first day of school etc. But they don’t actually want to deal with any of the real tit that comes with having a child. And I really agree. It’s easy for these men to say they want 5 kids as if it’s nothing…but the reality
but me saying I don't want kids, I get told I'm selfish? 
So true!!! You have to give a long list of reasons or people won’t believe you. But if you give too many reasons, you then get accused of shaming parents
I honestly think some people take the decision of others not to have kids personally i.e. if you've chosen not to have them, it must mean their decision to have them is a bad one - so they get very defensive. Honestly I've seen similar reactions to people saying they are vegetarian/vegan or to people who say they don't drink alcohol.
‘Well, look what happened with yours’ is a good answer, I find …
Or 'because then I'd have to hang out with rude people like you at the school gates every day'. The only way to stop them being rude or to make them go away is to be rude back when they're going on and on about it. I learnt that lesson quickly after a few really rude/intrusive/weird conversations!
I wonder what they would say if we turned around and asked them "why do you want children?"
Kind of related.. I’ve been speaking with a friend who has been married for 5 years. Apparently before they were married they both decided they would remain childfree. Now he has decided he does want children! He said he will never divorce her because he knew her views going into the marriage… he (wrongly and naively) assumed she would change her mind (she is a little younger than him)
Surely this will never work long term?
Surely this will never work long term?
I ended my marriage because my husband admitted a few months in that he lied about being childfree and assumed when we got married I'd change my mind. Then a day later he was back crying and saying he would be childfree for me but I'm not going to be I'm a relationship ship with someone who lies to me. She should end it. She should also keep an eye on all birth control in that house.
It's really sad, you cannot compromise on kids. If the husband is determined to stay in the marriage either he somehow convinces a childfree woman to change her mind and have children (which is grim) or he stays knowing he'll never have the children he wants.
The deep cynic in me would advise the friend to make sure the contraception is under her control.
The deep cynic in me would advise the friend to make sure the contraception is under her control.
I feel like either way, one will be ultimately be unhappy. I feel like it’s the beginning of the end, but who knows.
Ive known him 15 years and he’s never expressed he would like to childfree.
Ive known him 15 years and he’s never expressed he would like to childfree.
I think about this so often tbh. I know a few people who hated being pregnant and moaned the whole way through, a couple who had really awful births, then they’re moaning incessantly about having a newborn and posting essays on Instagram about how hard it is…one really doesn’t seem to like her kids at all, she works full time and gets home really late then is always out on the piss with her friends all weekend while her husband actually does activities with the kids, all while moaning about how hard it is being a Mum. This may sound uncharitable but honestly? There are some people where I think, why on earth did you have kids if all you’re ever going to do is moan about it? You know you didn’t HAVE to have them, this was a choice? I find it really baffling. I wonder how many people actually think about whether they want to go through pregnancy or birth or if they really want to even have children at all. I asked my Mum this once and she just rolled her eyes and said ‘not everyone overthinks like you’
Im not child free but this is so true. We have 2 kids. I know my partner would like more but I am absolutely worn out, all the extra washing, cooking, cleaning after them. Remembering who likes what and who doesnt like it. Its exhausting. Almost every mother I know feels the same.Ugh yes, their comments were making my skin crawl
In other childfree discussions, I’ve seen people mention that a lot of men just want the ‘Kodak moments’. In other words all the ‘special’ moments you’d see in a Kodak ad, like blowing out the candles on their first birthday cake, teaching them to ride a bike, sending them off to their first day of school etc. But they don’t actually want to deal with any of the real tit that comes with having a child. And I really agree. It’s easy for these men to say they want 5 kids as if it’s nothing…but the reality
There were stats released about America recently that said 2/3 children are unplanned. Just looking at children under 5 within my 'circle' that I have been told about at the moment in my immediate family there are 6 children under 5, one of them was planned. A friend has 2 kids under 5, neither planned, one was an 'accident' while she was on the pill the second because she thought she couldn't get pregnant while breastfeeding. A woman I work with has two under 5 - an unplanned child then a second planned one so the first would have smeone to play with.I think about this so often tbh. I know a few people who hated being pregnant and moaned the whole way through, a couple who had really awful births, then they’re moaning incessantly about having a newborn and posting essays on Instagram about how hard it is…one really doesn’t seem to like her kids at all, she works full time and gets home really late then is always out on the piss with her friends all weekend while her husband actually does activities with the kids, all while moaning about how hard it is being a Mum. This may sound uncharitable but honestly? There are some people where I think, why on earth did you have kids if all you’re ever going to do is moan about it? You know you didn’t HAVE to have them, this was a choice? I find it really baffling. I wonder how many people actually think about whether they want to go through pregnancy or birth or if they really want to even have children at all. I asked my Mum this once and she just rolled her eyes and said ‘not everyone overthinks like you’
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I think that a lot of people actually think about babies but not kids, teenagers or young adults when we talk about children. Babies are cute for 2 seconds but I'd rather walk on glass than dealing with a teenager or supporting a young adult. This isn't the 80s anymore when you pop a child and give it to a nanny.
You have to give your children a down payment for a house, if they are transgender or non binary it cost a pretty penny to pay the transition, don't get me started on university fees and extracurricular activities.
My brothers and I used to do a lot of activities when we were younger. It was probably a few hundreds per month easily. Mind you it didn't include the equipments and all that. Just thinking about it makes me sweat
You have to give your children a down payment for a house, if they are transgender or non binary it cost a pretty penny to pay the transition, don't get me started on university fees and extracurricular activities.
My brothers and I used to do a lot of activities when we were younger. It was probably a few hundreds per month easily. Mind you it didn't include the equipments and all that. Just thinking about it makes me sweat
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