Breakup advice

[queenamber]

Just looking for an anonymous and judgement-free zone for venting.

My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be monogamous. He still loves me, wants to remain married to me, but also wants sex with other women with no feelings attached, and no consequences. I've decided to separate from him and will most likely divorce him since we want fundamentally different things from this marriage. I love him but I can't spend the rest of my life wondering what he's up to and being walked all over.

We don't have kids together so luckily that's one less problem to sort out. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing and standing by my morals I still feel miserable and heartbroken. My inner critic is telling me that he only wants sex with other women because I'm not good enough. I am seeing a therapist but I don't find her that helpful. I basically just sit and cry and she just nods her head

Curious if anyone else has gone through this or has any advice for a long-ish term breakup. He was my first proper love and I feel so scared about a future without him, even though I absolutely know it's for the best. Given the nature of the breakup I also feel like I can't open up to friends and family about this which makes me feel even more alone and isolated.

Will I ever feel happy again?

 

[Jdottt13]

So sad reading this thread, I genuinely wouldn’t wish heartbreak on anyone ever Exactly 5 months ago today, my fiancé of over 7 years, whom I have 2 children with, just didn’t come home one night. The last year of our relationship had got pretty shit (looking back now I see it but didn’t see it all at the time) if he wasn’t at work he was in the pub and whenever he was at home he was asleep. Id question his behaviour and he’d say he was stressed with work and needed the pub to unwind.. So the night in question I genuinely thought he was having some kind of work related stressful break down and my anxious brain had convinced myself he was suicidal. By the morning I had the police in my house and his family and more police out looking for him. He eventually made contact with his mum and came home - he couldn’t look me in the eyes and I just knew He’d cheated on me it took him another 24 hours to admit it, those 24 hours are a complete brain fuzz of just the 2 of us crying, talking, and me trying to get the truth, all the while still being worried about his mental well being. The week that followed is just an absolute blur, if it wasn’t for my 2 small children I don’t think I’d have been able to function. From crying to other mums at the school gate to lying on my kitchen floor just sobbing I really thought my life was over. The home we were in was his due to his job he had (we were living where his work was) and it only took him 4 days before he once again didn’t return home because he was with her. I then made him pack his bags and leave until I’d sorted me and the kids a new home (which took 2 months) it’s been a whirlwind, and some huge life changes. A quote I lived by is “your life can still be beautiful even if it was different to the one you were expecting” and it’s very true. My children are happy and they have been my absolute priority throughout all this, I’ve got up and been strong every single day for them I’ve had crap days (like when I moved out, he moved the new girl in a couple of days after). And even now he texts/calls when drunk (I’m slowly learning to ignore) I’d say I’m pretty much over him but I’m not sure I’ll ever be over the situation or over the hurt that he caused. Felt good to get this off my chest though

 

[bunnyboo]

I'm so sad reading about all of the heartbreak in this thread

About 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me as he "wants to be single again". In reality, I think this is stemming from fact that he doesn't want to grow up. We are at the age where our network of friends are getting married, having kids, settling down... and he seemingly doesn't want any of this. I'm really devastated (and lowkey angry) as we've spoken about marriage and kids over the past 4 years which he seemed open to.. but over the last couple of months.. BAM.. he's reverted into a selfish, childish piece of shit. We didn't live together (due to the housing crisis, we still live at home) but were making plans to rent a place together.

The real kicker in this story is the day after the breakup, I fainted whilst walking down the stairs, passed out due to a bang to the head & fucked up my ankle. I had to sit in the emergency room alone and scared, trying not to cry. I ended up telling the nurses that I wish I hadn't woke up after passing out, so I had to spend hours speaking to the mental health crisis team trying to convince them that I wasn't trying to attempt anything, I was just feeling depressed.

The past 2 weeks have been so rough, I haven't been able to eat anything and don't want to see or talk to anybody. It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and the only thing I actually look forward to now is bedtime. I haven't tried to contact him at all though. As much as I want to reach out, begging and pleading.. I refuse to give in to that. He coldheartedly made a decision for both of us, putting himself on a pedestal and gaining all control. Me not contacting him, not doing what he expects my anxious, depressed ass to do (plead and beg) is the only way I can regain any sort of control back and god damn it.. I'm not giving in.

He really broke my heart

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

What if I never stop loving him? I’m going to have to watch him move on, who’s going to want me and two kids

What if I never stop loving him? I promise you, you will. It’s only just happened, you’re still in shock. Give it time.
I’m going to have to watch him move on You don’t. Sever any contact with him on social media or anything else that will tempt you to look at what he’s up to. Don’t let mutual friends draw you into gossiping or speculating about it. Keep communication limited to practicalities about the house, the children, finances and whatever else needs to be sorted, through a neutral third party if that helps. Anything else, you don’t need to know.
Who’s going to want me and two kids Don’t entertain these thoughts just now. I can categorically guarantee there will be someone out there who will move hell and high water for you and when that time comes, you’ll wonder what you were ever doing putting up with anything less. I promise you that.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I really struggle with setting boundaries, my husband is really depressed and it plays a big part in what has happened I think but def how I’m treating him. Yesterday he’s shouting at me he wants the marriage certificate so he can start the divorce. An hour and a half later he’s ringing me having a panic attack while driving so I stayed on the phone until he got back to where he’s staying. Managed to calm him down enough and be there for him. He got called out on a work emergency which which is 50mins from where he’s staying but 10mins from me so at 10pm he asks if he can stay over as he won’t finish until 1am. I go and leave a key out for him and at 1.30 hw comes and home and gets into bed, we talk about work and go to sleep. He left his charger and stuff here so I had to go and drop it off on his job today. It’s all so odd, like I know I should have said no but how do you say no to someone who hours earlier was having a panic attack? I just can’t seem to get anywhere with it. Have him the marriage certificate this morning and he cried at me… it’s so confusing

forgot to add that he was also talking about suicide again and how Are two kids are the only reason stopping him

Honestly I know it sounds harsh, but please try to not let him manipulate you like this, because that’s what it is, manipulation. He sounds like a huge man baby who needs to grow the hell up.

the thing is, he has treated you like dirt. He stuck with you because he wasn’t sure if another woman would take him. He is totally vile and he deserves 0 sympathy or help from you. Having anxiety/depression does not make you behave like the total arsehole he has and it is not an excuse!

he treated you like a door mat, something to wipe his shoes on on the way out. Please just don’t fall into his trap. I get that it must be hard for you, but please try to stop caring for his feelings, he doesn’t care about yours one bit.

you need to just ignore him and focus on yourself and your kids.

 

[queenamber]

How did he react btw when you said you preferred to divorce?

Said he was "broken" and that he's in love with me and wants to be together, he just wants the added meaningless sex with others with no feelings attached. He basically wants an all you eat buffet!

I should add that he also said I'm free to have sex with other men too - but as you can probably already tell, I'm not comfortable with any of it.

 

[Jojoo]

I’ve been through so much with my marriage the last few months. He walked out on me and the kids for space but came back after 7 weeks saying he just wanted me. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he’s ended it.
what do I do! I have a 3 and 1 year old and just feel so trapped. He gets to walk away and make a new home and everything but I’m stuck here in a house full of memories of us as a couple and looking after the kids. It’s not fair. I forgave so much for us to get back together yet that wasn’t enough. I’ve never broken up with anyone before he was my only relationship this is all so new and terrifying, and help and advice please

 

[judgejohndeed]

Your totally right I think just scared of the unknown it’s making me panic

I think it would make you feel better if you took the control of this situation away from him, that makes it ‘known’ because you are driving it. Tell yourself you are not a person who will put up with being lied to and disrespected in this way. Change the locks so he can’t get back in. Tell him you’re filing for a divorce on your terms. Don’t leave yourself hanging waiting to find out whether he’s going to leave you for her or not - make the choice for him by putting your foot down and everything from that point onwards is on your terms

 

[PineappleQueen19]

How are you doing @queenamber?

if it helps I thought “christ what a dickhead” about your husband twice over the weekend

 

[Jennynotfromtheblock]

So my husband was away at the weekend and before he left he used my laptop to print his boarding pass, he left himself logged into google and so I was able to see all his google photos, I feel sick, he must be on every dating site in the country, sharing loads of images and videos of himself, he screenshotted some that he received so ive seen those. Worst thing is he screenshotted a conversation with some girl he spent the night with when he was at a stag saying wish you were still in bed beside me, we will have to plan another night away.
We are married 5 years with a 5 year old, have been trying for years to have another baby and plan was to do IVF. I dont even know what i feel, i think i feel the worst for our daughter who is never going to have another sibling now, she loves her Daddy. I havent seen him yet as he is flying home today. He knows I know as he rang and he knew something was up straight away, he says nothing happened between them, honestly i dont believe him, he is disgusting. I told him if he wants to see our daughter he can collect her from childcare the tomorrow and drop her to school in the morning. He replied with a very incoherent message saying I'll bring her Friday, then another one saying I mean tmrw, he tried to ring on few times on saturday and i let him video call herself but then she brought the phone out to me and i ended the call and he didnt even get in touch all day yesterday.

his friend is coming out this evening to fix something at our house, he was at the stag last year, would it be weird if i asked him to tell me what happened? I feel like hes just gonna say I'm not getting involved and then I'll be embarrassed but am gonna be mortified anyway like how i am gonna tell people oh he doesnt live he anymore, i found out he was on swingers website etc

any advice, thanks

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I’ve been through so much with my marriage the last few months. He walked out on me and the kids for space but came back after 7 weeks saying he just wanted me. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he’s ended it.
what do I do! I have a 3 and 1 year old and just feel so trapped. He gets to walk away and make a new home and everything but I’m stuck here in a house full of memories of us as a couple and looking after the kids. It’s not fair. I forgave so much for us to get back together yet that wasn’t enough. I’ve never broken up with anyone before he was my only relationship this is all so new and terrifying, and help and advice please

Please don’t take him back again. I know you probably think it’s better for the kids, but honestly it’s not. Your children need to see their mother being treated with respect and not like a door mat.

I know they’re too little to understand now, but they’ll grow up thinking it’s normal for dad to treat you like dirt. Even if you hide it from them, they’ll know. Plus you’ll be unhappy and you need to put your happiness first. If you’re happy then they’ll be happy. Far easier to break away now while they’re little and will have less memories.

I know it must be hard to face raising the kids alone, but this man will never respect you or love you in the way you deserve and I doubt he will ever change. He sounds like a selfish pig.

please seek proper advice and break away from him, you won’t regret it in the long run.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

@queenamber - good on you for setting boundaries and sticking up for yourself.

Many people ask for an open marriage when actually they just want permission to cheat. Often with someone already in mind. And then it backfires when reality sets in. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

To give the situation a generous reading - it sounds like you two are no longer compatible. Separation/divorce is beyond shit but you will come through the other side

 

[judgejohndeed]

The above advice is incorrect. Unfortunately he does have the right to stay in the matrimonial home and if you change the locks he will be able to get a court order to get back in. If he is violent or abusive you can get an occupation order. I would strongly advise anyone in these situations to seek legal advice asap.

 

[queenamber]

Does it make sense if I say I’m think I’m going most scared because I know it’s for good? I think deep down I want this to happen but they just seems so scary and unimaginable as I never imagined life without him

I'm in a similar boat. I'm terrified for my future BUT I'd be more scared with staying in a marriage where I'm unhappy, resentful and being disrespected. It's taken me months just to get to this point. We had a life before these men and we'll have a life without them. I don't have children but you also have to think of them in this situation. Their mum doesn't deserve to be treated like this and they'll respect you in the long run for walking away and putting yours and their needs above their selfish Dads.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I’m sorry to keep posting on here I’m just at such a loss. When this all first happened months ago I found out there was another woman. He said it was done and I believed him. (Idiot I know) well last night I caught them together. Appariently they’ve been going on 1/2dates a week for months.
I’ve told him this morning he has to be gone out the house tonight and he just said where am I going togo. Surely he needs to just deal with the consequences now? He says he wants to try and see where it goes with her, I was heartbroken before but this just feels so much worse I don’t know what to do.
i went to the solicitors yesterday and someone called me back but it’s going to be £250 for an hour consultation to start with, I can’t afford that. I feel so trapped and lost

I think it’s downright disgusting that he’s been messing you around, splitting up and then wanting you back and the reason why is because he wants to make sure that his new woman will have him when he leaves you. He doesn’t want to leave you without making sure he can have this other woman. What a disgusting, vile person he is. The sooner you’re rid of him the better, how you’ve not lost your temper with him is beyond me. If he was my partner he would have a shovel in his head by now.

 

[queenamber]

Not too bad thanks @PineappleQueen19

Some days I look at him and want to kill him and other times I look at him still in love. A whole mix of emotions. Just telling myself this rollercoaster of emotion is all normal. Luckily we're still civil with each other in the house while still understanding this has to end for both of our own sakes.

Now just hoping the move-out goes smoothly next week!

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

What if I never stop loving him? I’m going to have to watch him move on, who’s going to want me and two kids

Surely anything has got to be better than being with a man that treats you like a door mat? You will get through it, and you’ll feel far better for it. Better to be single than treated like dirt. Sorry if it seems blunt, it’s just the way I see it.
Take time to focus on yourself and your children for a while. You’ll meet someone one day who is worth your time and who will want to put you and your children first. Anyone that doesn’t do that isn’t worth it all.

 

[queenamber]

So it happened this morning via text.. 11 years together, 4 married and 2 small kiddies that’s how he ended it. He’s come home, I’ve asked what his plans are and he says he hasn’t got any. He’s not found anywhere else to go and is just here… It’s confusing

So he's broken up with you via text and then still expects to come back to the family home? I don't think so! If he's the one who's ended it then he needs to either find accommodation or get you and the kids taken care of rather than living in an awkward and confusing atmosphere. You need to establish some boundaries and get a plan in place. In my case, we've listed our house for sale and my husband is moving out next week. Again, this is something that has been in the works for months, so take it from me, the time to act is now.

 

[sparklebangle]

Hey folks. I saw this was a break up thread, but I’m not sure if it’s a general one or a specific one to amber ..?

anyway. I feel I’m exhausting my poor mum and my sister, who now have (understandably) no tolerance. I was with my bf for 11 years. Best friend. My life, really. I grew up on a diet of Disney, so as far as I’m concerned, think the best, believe the best, and nothing is impossible ! I still think it’s good to have that philosophy.

he was the absolute opposite. But I always thought, awe, it’s ok, it’ll be ok. When he had a little niggle, I always knew it would be ok, whereas he would go into extreme mode. Calling everything off. Cancelling everything. Started to change me, cos I stopped thinking happy and started worrying that he’d panic / get angry.

dono if this makes sense, sorry!

very boring for you guys.

See every time we had a fight, he would say it was ‘the end’, which sent me into a spin. Because I took it literally. And became so upset. Then he would retract it. And - silly me, my fault - I’d boomerang back and whitewash it, all ‘it’s totally fine, forget it’ because I DO think that. I think if someone says sorry, that’s quite a big thing and sorry to me means that it will never happen again. And I really feel bad if someone says sorry and I don’t like to see someone upset. So, I swallowed a lot and even though I was quite raw, I shunted myself and put my game face on. Does any of this make any sense ? Sorry if I’m rambling !

anyway. I was drying my hair today and thinking - do any of you do that, because drying your hair takes so long and you just think about stuff, lol ? - and I thought, “for 11 years I put XX first and for 11 years he put himself first”. We both put him first.

But I miss him so much that I started crying today in the bread aisle of Tesco and then cried when I boiled my mum’s kettle. So I’m an utter mess. Sorry. Just kind of speaking from my heart and speaking honestly. Sorry guys, for bringing a downer, and also for hijacking amber’s thread. Sorry, Amber !

 

[Blonde_moment]

You poor thing - that is brutal and I’m sorry but he sounds like an idiot! You deserve much better. I don’t believe in sleeping around like that when you’re in a committed relationship. If both people want that, then fair enough, but you understandably don’t. I can understand how hard this must be, but you are totally doing the right thing. And please don’t beat yourself up and think this is because of you. It sounds to me like he just wants to have his cake and eat it. If he had genuine issues with you I think he would leave full stop and look for someone else.

I have experienced 2 painful breakups in my life and the first relationship lasted a decade. Second one was just over 3 years, but involved a child. Both were very painful and took some getting over. There’s no easy fix and it’s going to hurt sadly. It’s true what they say though that time is a healer. You still have so much ahead of you and you will hopefully meet someone you deserve.

Please do try to confide in a friend you can trust. I think you will feel better if you can talk to somebody. And a true friend would never judge you for this. You’ve done nothing wrong.