I don’t work I’m a full time mum so I find it all a bit awkward fhe money side of it all. I will look for a job after the holidays when my eldest is doing more days at pre school. Hes gone out but back later. Going to try and push more tomorrow. It’s so weird
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Feel in a such a spin with everything this morning, the thought of never doing things with him again is just terrifying. I know it’s silly and Petty things but I can’t help but be upset by it all. I’m not a bad person, I do everything for everyone but it wasn’t enough. The rejection is unreal
@queenamber - good on you for setting boundaries and sticking up for yourself.
Many people ask for an open marriage when actually they just want permission to cheat. Often with someone already in mind. And then it backfires when reality sets in. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
To give the situation a generous reading - it sounds like you two are no longer compatible. Separation/divorce is beyond tit but you will come through the other side
Many people ask for an open marriage when actually they just want permission to cheat. Often with someone already in mind. And then it backfires when reality sets in. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
To give the situation a generous reading - it sounds like you two are no longer compatible. Separation/divorce is beyond tit but you will come through the other side
I don’t have any experience of this but just wanted to say that you definitely will be happy again, and I don’t think for a second it’s anything to do with you and everything to do with your husband wanting the best of both worlds!Just looking for an anonymous and judgement-free zone for venting.
My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be monogamous. He still loves me, wants to remain married to me, but also wants sex with other women with no feelings attached, and no consequences. I've decided to separate from him and will most likely divorce him since we want fundamentally different things from this marriage. I love him but I can't spend the rest of my life wondering what he's up to and being walked all over.
We don't have kids together so luckily that's one less problem to sort out. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing and standing by my morals I still feel miserable and heartbroken. My inner critic is telling me that he only wants sex with other women because I'm not good enough. I am seeing a therapist but I don't find her that helpful. I basically just sit and cry and she just nods her head
Curious if anyone else has gone through this or has any advice for a long-ish term breakup. He was my first proper love and I feel so scared about a future without him, even though I absolutely know it's for the best. Given the nature of the breakup I also feel like I can't open up to friends and family about this which makes me feel even more alone and isolated.
Will I ever feel happy again?
Even if the therapy isn’t working, you’ve found a strength to realise from the outset that divorce is the probable outcome. I think some people struggle with feeling like they have to lower their own expectations of what they want from life to try and save their marriage, but it sounds like you’ve accepted that you’re not prepared to do that and that can only be a good thing
You will be happier . You will find love and respect. All he’s done here is basically I’m gonna duck around look for someone else and then end it, he wants you as a safety net.Just looking for an anonymous and judgement-free zone for venting.
My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be monogamous. He still loves me, wants to remain married to me, but also wants sex with other women with no feelings attached, and no consequences. I've decided to separate from him and will most likely divorce him since we want fundamentally different things from this marriage. I love him but I can't spend the rest of my life wondering what he's up to and being walked all over.
We don't have kids together so luckily that's one less problem to sort out. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing and standing by my morals I still feel miserable and heartbroken. My inner critic is telling me that he only wants sex with other women because I'm not good enough. I am seeing a therapist but I don't find her that helpful. I basically just sit and cry and she just nods her head
Curious if anyone else has gone through this or has any advice for a long-ish term breakup. He was my first proper love and I feel so scared about a future without him, even though I absolutely know it's for the best. Given the nature of the breakup I also feel like I can't open up to friends and family about this which makes me feel even more alone and isolated.
Will I ever feel happy again?
you are more than that, you are strong and beautiful
How are you doing @queenamber?
if it helps I thought “christ what a head” about your husband twice over the weekend
if it helps I thought “christ what a head” about your husband twice over the weekend
Not too bad thanks @PineappleQueen19
Some days I look at him and want to kill him and other times I look at him still in love. A whole mix of emotions. Just telling myself this rollercoaster of emotion is all normal. Luckily we're still civil with each other in the house while still understanding this has to end for both of our own sakes.
Now just hoping the move-out goes smoothly next week!
Some days I look at him and want to kill him and other times I look at him still in love. A whole mix of emotions. Just telling myself this rollercoaster of emotion is all normal. Luckily we're still civil with each other in the house while still understanding this has to end for both of our own sakes.
Now just hoping the move-out goes smoothly next week!
I would strongly recommend you get legal advice from a family solicitor. If you don't work you need to know your legal rights in case he starts demanding you leave the home and cuts you off financially. And if that doesn't happen then no harm done, but you would be surprised how quickly men turn especially when there's a SAHM sadly. How does your money set up work, is it shared accounts or does he give money to you? Be mindful with shared accounts he can usually close them without asking your permission so if you can start siphoning a bit off that would be sensible
Hey folks. I saw this was a break up thread, but I’m not sure if it’s a general one or a specific one to amber ..?
anyway. I feel I’m exhausting my poor mum and my sister, who now have (understandably) no tolerance. I was with my bf for 11 years. Best friend. My life, really. I grew up on a diet of Disney, so as far as I’m concerned, think the best, believe the best, and nothing is impossible ! I still think it’s good to have that philosophy.
he was the absolute opposite. But I always thought, awe, it’s ok, it’ll be ok. When he had a little niggle, I always knew it would be ok, whereas he would go into extreme mode. Calling everything off. Cancelling everything. Started to change me, cos I stopped thinking happy and started worrying that he’d panic / get angry.
dono if this makes sense, sorry!
very boring for you guys.
See every time we had a fight, he would say it was ‘the end’, which sent me into a spin. Because I took it literally. And became so upset. Then he would retract it. And - silly me, my fault - I’d boomerang back and whitewash it, all ‘it’s totally fine, forget it’ because I DO think that. I think if someone says sorry, that’s quite a big thing and sorry to me means that it will never happen again. And I really feel bad if someone says sorry and I don’t like to see someone upset. So, I swallowed a lot and even though I was quite raw, I shunted myself and put my game face on. Does any of this make any sense ? Sorry if I’m rambling !
anyway. I was drying my hair today and thinking - do any of you do that, because drying your hair takes so long and you just think about stuff, lol ? - and I thought, “for 11 years I put XX first and for 11 years he put himself first”. We both put him first.
But I miss him so much that I started crying today in the bread aisle of Tesco and then cried when I boiled my mum’s kettle. So I’m an utter mess. Sorry. Just kind of speaking from my heart and speaking honestly. Sorry guys, for bringing a downer, and also for hijacking amber’s thread. Sorry, Amber !
anyway. I feel I’m exhausting my poor mum and my sister, who now have (understandably) no tolerance. I was with my bf for 11 years. Best friend. My life, really. I grew up on a diet of Disney, so as far as I’m concerned, think the best, believe the best, and nothing is impossible ! I still think it’s good to have that philosophy.
he was the absolute opposite. But I always thought, awe, it’s ok, it’ll be ok. When he had a little niggle, I always knew it would be ok, whereas he would go into extreme mode. Calling everything off. Cancelling everything. Started to change me, cos I stopped thinking happy and started worrying that he’d panic / get angry.
dono if this makes sense, sorry!
very boring for you guys.
See every time we had a fight, he would say it was ‘the end’, which sent me into a spin. Because I took it literally. And became so upset. Then he would retract it. And - silly me, my fault - I’d boomerang back and whitewash it, all ‘it’s totally fine, forget it’ because I DO think that. I think if someone says sorry, that’s quite a big thing and sorry to me means that it will never happen again. And I really feel bad if someone says sorry and I don’t like to see someone upset. So, I swallowed a lot and even though I was quite raw, I shunted myself and put my game face on. Does any of this make any sense ? Sorry if I’m rambling !
anyway. I was drying my hair today and thinking - do any of you do that, because drying your hair takes so long and you just think about stuff, lol ? - and I thought, “for 11 years I put XX first and for 11 years he put himself first”. We both put him first.
But I miss him so much that I started crying today in the bread aisle of Tesco and then cried when I boiled my mum’s kettle. So I’m an utter mess. Sorry. Just kind of speaking from my heart and speaking honestly. Sorry guys, for bringing a downer, and also for hijacking amber’s thread. Sorry, Amber !
You see how you have analysed everything here? This is your emotional maturity. Your ex doesn't sound like he has that. I speak from experience. I was with my first boyfriend for 7 years. From age 14. He was everything. Had medical conditions that I would sort out, book appointments ... Basically look after him. It was all about him. I'm very giving in nature and always put myself last so it came naturally for me to look after him at sacrifice to myself. The thing is as we got older we got further apart as our differences started to show.Hey folks. I saw this was a break up thread, but I’m not sure if it’s a general one or a specific one to amber ..?
anyway. I feel I’m exhausting my poor mum and my sister, who now have (understandably) no tolerance. I was with my bf for 11 years. Best friend. My life, really. I grew up on a diet of Disney, so as far as I’m concerned, think the best, believe the best, and nothing is impossible ! I still think it’s good to have that philosophy.
he was the absolute opposite. But I always thought, awe, it’s ok, it’ll be ok. When he had a little niggle, I always knew it would be ok, whereas he would go into extreme mode. Calling everything off. Cancelling everything. Started to change me, cos I stopped thinking happy and started worrying that he’d panic / get angry.
dono if this makes sense, sorry!
very boring for you guys.
See every time we had a fight, he would say it was ‘the end’, which sent me into a spin. Because I took it literally. And became so upset. Then he would retract it. And - silly me, my fault - I’d boomerang back and whitewash it, all ‘it’s totally fine, forget it’ because I DO think that. I think if someone says sorry, that’s quite a big thing and sorry to me means that it will never happen again. And I really feel bad if someone says sorry and I don’t like to see someone upset. So, I swallowed a lot and even though I was quite raw, I shunted myself and put my game face on. Does any of this make any sense ? Sorry if I’m rambling !
anyway. I was drying my hair today and thinking - do any of you do that, because drying your hair takes so long and you just think about stuff, lol ? - and I thought, “for 11 years I put XX first and for 11 years he put himself first”. We both put him first.
But I miss him so much that I started crying today in the bread aisle of Tesco and then cried when I boiled my mum’s kettle. So I’m an utter mess. Sorry. Just kind of speaking from my heart and speaking honestly. Sorry guys, for bringing a downer, and also for hijacking amber’s thread. Sorry, Amber !
I would talk about issue and want to solve a problem. He would have a strop and flounce off and if be left a nervous wreck. It really made me doubt myself. Once we split (he ended up cheating and stealing my money) I suffered with the change to my lifestyles rather than losing him.
I grew stronger and become who I actually was without him. Not walking on eggshells or panicking when things started to annoy him. I knew no man would make me feel like that again.
My boyfriend now... Completely different. A man who actually sits down after a row and will talk to me!.
I'm not sure if this will help you but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
You poor thingHey folks. I saw this was a break up thread, but I’m not sure if it’s a general one or a specific one to amber ..?
anyway. I feel I’m exhausting my poor mum and my sister, who now have (understandably) no tolerance. I was with my bf for 11 years. Best friend. My life, really. I grew up on a diet of Disney, so as far as I’m concerned, think the best, believe the best, and nothing is impossible ! I still think it’s good to have that philosophy.
he was the absolute opposite. But I always thought, awe, it’s ok, it’ll be ok. When he had a little niggle, I always knew it would be ok, whereas he would go into extreme mode. Calling everything off. Cancelling everything. Started to change me, cos I stopped thinking happy and started worrying that he’d panic / get angry.
dono if this makes sense, sorry!
very boring for you guys.
See every time we had a fight, he would say it was ‘the end’, which sent me into a spin. Because I took it literally. And became so upset. Then he would retract it. And - silly me, my fault - I’d boomerang back and whitewash it, all ‘it’s totally fine, forget it’ because I DO think that. I think if someone says sorry, that’s quite a big thing and sorry to me means that it will never happen again. And I really feel bad if someone says sorry and I don’t like to see someone upset. So, I swallowed a lot and even though I was quite raw, I shunted myself and put my game face on. Does any of this make any sense ? Sorry if I’m rambling !
anyway. I was drying my hair today and thinking - do any of you do that, because drying your hair takes so long and you just think about stuff, lol ? - and I thought, “for 11 years I put XX first and for 11 years he put himself first”. We both put him first.
But I miss him so much that I started crying today in the bread aisle of Tesco and then cried when I boiled my mum’s kettle. So I’m an utter mess. Sorry. Just kind of speaking from my heart and speaking honestly. Sorry guys, for bringing a downer, and also for hijacking amber’s thread. Sorry, Amber !
You have been in a coercively controlling relationship and I recommend counselling to help you come to terms with that. There will be a lot of big emotions to process. You can do it. So happy you’re free of him. You deserve a million times better
This just spoke to me so much. I have to walk on eggshells around my husband and the kids as they set him off it’s agony for me. I dread family time.
I’ve looked after everything and even now I’m trying to find solutions to get him out the house fast it’s just being thrown back in my face. Today for the first time I stood up for myself and said that I couldn’t live in this house with me if we weren’t together and he needed to move out. He just walked out the room.
Last night he flew off the handle and shouted and threw things I was so scared.
Omg that is so scary for you. What is your situation? Mortgage etc?. Have you gotten any legal advice?
Must be terrifying for you and your children. Xx
If he’s shouting and throwing things you can get an occupation order for the house. Please get legal advice before this gets worse.
I’m going to ring someone today and try and sort it. It’s difficult because he’s shouting he just wants to end it all so I don’t want to push too much but this isn’t healthy being in the house together and I shouldn’t be scared in my home.
Not yet ringing someone today. Joint mortgage, he pays everything in a stay at home mum but I put a lot of money into the house and renovations before we had kids so it’s levelled out. He’s very fair with money and won’t do us out of anything but I know I need to be protected too and can’t rely on thats
Just feel in a such a mess and trapped here
@Tommyb - thank you for your kind words and for empathising, and I am so sorry that you went through that with your ex. Your words about arranging appointments, etc, sorting everything chimes very loudly. It could have been me writing that. You must have felt very taken for granted. I am sorry about that as you are clearly kind-natured and nurturing, and didn’t ever deserve that type of response from him.
And I’m comforted that you’ve found a good guy now. Your words have helped and I feel very glad I posted. Was a bit scared to at first so thank you so, so much. Your experience and your empathy and knowing you’re in a better place gives me faith. I’m just in absolute bits - and he has moved on too. Very quickly. Whereas I just find myself starting to cry all of a sudden, no warning, and once I start ruminating, I can’t stop. I feel like I’m flailing and desperately trying to grab onto a lifeboat but there aren’t any there & I don’t know how the heck to stop this feeling. Perhaps it is just time and living through the pain, but the pain physically, physically hurts me. It stings. And I’m not speaking figuratively. I woke up after it first happened (I had to move back into my mum’s, as it was his house and his name on everything) with a tight feeling in my chest and my body feeling pain and I know it is connected to him and this. It just hurts as I know he has been seeing other people (we used to share an email account for bills etc and I never really went into it but he had signed up to Tinder using that address and other dating websites too
) whereas I’m so, so far from ever feeling like I’ll ever be able to even consider another person in my life. I can’t get my head around how quickly he has moved on - whereas it’s been 2 months and I am slightly better than I was in the first few weeks but not really by that much.
I have been keeping myself active, going out running, going to the gym, I have a good job and lots of friends, and I have been making sure I eat well, make an effort to try to fix my hair, make up etc nice each day just to feel good etc but inside I am absolutely crumbling and inside is absolutely not what I project to others - I’m telling myself fake it till you make it and all that and maybe I can fool my inside to believing all is well if I just keep going - then hopefully one day I will suddenly be ok ! Blind naivety or wishful thinking, on my part, or maybe just sheer stupidity, I guess. You’d never know unless you knew me how I feel (unless you were in Tesco yesterday, lol) but I am really struggling…. What helped you ? Was it just time ?
thank you again, @Tommyb , for being so kind x
@PineappleQueen19 - thank you for your lovely words and for being so nice. You’ve got no idea how much that really matters to me and helps me. Thank you x
And I’m comforted that you’ve found a good guy now. Your words have helped and I feel very glad I posted. Was a bit scared to at first so thank you so, so much. Your experience and your empathy and knowing you’re in a better place gives me faith. I’m just in absolute bits - and he has moved on too. Very quickly. Whereas I just find myself starting to cry all of a sudden, no warning, and once I start ruminating, I can’t stop. I feel like I’m flailing and desperately trying to grab onto a lifeboat but there aren’t any there & I don’t know how the heck to stop this feeling. Perhaps it is just time and living through the pain, but the pain physically, physically hurts me. It stings. And I’m not speaking figuratively. I woke up after it first happened (I had to move back into my mum’s, as it was his house and his name on everything) with a tight feeling in my chest and my body feeling pain and I know it is connected to him and this. It just hurts as I know he has been seeing other people (we used to share an email account for bills etc and I never really went into it but he had signed up to Tinder using that address and other dating websites too
) whereas I’m so, so far from ever feeling like I’ll ever be able to even consider another person in my life. I can’t get my head around how quickly he has moved on - whereas it’s been 2 months and I am slightly better than I was in the first few weeks but not really by that much.I have been keeping myself active, going out running, going to the gym, I have a good job and lots of friends, and I have been making sure I eat well, make an effort to try to fix my hair, make up etc nice each day just to feel good etc but inside I am absolutely crumbling and inside is absolutely not what I project to others - I’m telling myself fake it till you make it and all that and maybe I can fool my inside to believing all is well if I just keep going - then hopefully one day I will suddenly be ok ! Blind naivety or wishful thinking, on my part, or maybe just sheer stupidity, I guess. You’d never know unless you knew me how I feel (unless you were in Tesco yesterday, lol) but I am really struggling…. What helped you ? Was it just time ?
thank you again, @Tommyb , for being so kind x
@PineappleQueen19 - thank you for your lovely words and for being so nice. You’ve got no idea how much that really matters to me and helps me. Thank you x
What a nice post and you are so welcome. I really felt like he had taken everything from me...even myself. I didn't know who I was without him but I have got to say I loved finding out.@Tommyb - thank you for your kind words and for empathising, and I am so sorry that you went through that with your ex. Your words about arranging appointments, etc, sorting everything chimes very loudly. It could have been me writing that. You must have felt very taken for granted. I am sorry about that as you are clearly kind-natured and nurturing, and didn’t ever deserve that type of response from him.
And I’m comforted that you’ve found a good guy now. Your words have helped and I feel very glad I posted. Was a bit scared to at first so thank you so, so much. Your experience and your empathy and knowing you’re in a better place gives me faith. I’m just in absolute bits - and he has moved on too. Very quickly. Whereas I just find myself starting to cry all of a sudden, no warning, and once I start ruminating, I can’t stop. I feel like I’m flailing and desperately trying to grab onto a lifeboat but there aren’t any there & I don’t know how the heck to stop this feeling. Perhaps it is just time and living through the pain, but the pain physically, physically hurts me. It stings. And I’m not speaking figuratively. I woke up after it first happened (I had to move back into my mum’s, as it was his house and his name on everything) with a tight feeling in my chest and my body feeling pain and I know it is connected to him and this. It just hurts as I know he has been seeing other people (we used to share an email account for bills etc and I never really went into it but he had signed up to Tinder using that address and other dating websites too
I have been keeping myself active, going out running, going to the gym, I have a good job and lots of friends, and I have been making sure I eat well, make an effort to try to fix my hair, make up etc nice each day just to feel good etc but inside I am absolutely crumbling and inside is absolutely not what I project to others - I’m telling myself fake it till you make it and all that and maybe I can fool my inside to believing all is well if I just keep going - then hopefully one day I will suddenly be ok ! Blind naivety or wishful thinking, on my part, or maybe just sheer stupidity, I guess. You’d never know unless you knew me how I feel (unless you were in Tesco yesterday, lol) but I am really struggling…. What helped you ? Was it just time ?
thank you again, @Tommyb , for being so kind x
@PineappleQueen19 - thank you for your lovely words and for being so nice. You’ve got no idea how much that really matters to me and helps me. Thank you x
What helped me was reminding myself of bad times which in the later years outweighed the good times and what things I wanted in someone. For instance I wanted someone who could take care of themselves. Funny moment with new boyfriend about 3 months in.. he was looking up something for work and I automatically started to right down the information for him and he was like " oh don't worry about that il do it.. you go have your shower". You could have knocked me down with a feather
. Something so simple but I just went into autopilot. My ex was terrible with money but I had lots of savings. New boyfriend had been saving too which means last year we bought a house together.There's not one main thing that helped me but time does heal. There's certain things I would remind myself of like bad memories, feelings of anxiety and sickness on how he would react, exhaustion at trying to keep the peace, putting on weight as a result of sadness and just not prioritising myself, never having the future I wanted with him as he couldn't save etc. I had to remind myself who I thought he was wasnt who he is and I liked the idea of him not actually who he was. I started doing things for myself like you have but honestly seeing what was out there and going on fun dates did help me. But take your time when you are ready.
It also helped that he had cheated as I was mainly angry for a long time. The way he reacted all through the breakup was also like a lightbulb moment at what a loser he was.
I can promise you one day you will look back on this and realise how far you have come.
Also never ever leave your name of the house if you move in. It's got to be 50/50. Now you know how important it is to protect yourself
.I’m sorry to keep posting on here I’m just at such a loss. When this all first happened months ago I found out there was another woman. He said it was done and I believed him. (Idiot I know) well last night I caught them together. Appariently they’ve been going on 1/2dates a week for months.
I’ve told him this morning he has to be gone out the house tonight and he just said where am I going togo. Surely he needs to just deal with the consequences now? He says he wants to try and see where it goes with her, I was heartbroken before but this just feels so much worse I don’t know what to do.
i went to the solicitors yesterday and someone called me back but it’s going to be £250 for an hour consultation to start with, I can’t afford that. I feel so trapped and lost
I’ve told him this morning he has to be gone out the house tonight and he just said where am I going togo. Surely he needs to just deal with the consequences now? He says he wants to try and see where it goes with her, I was heartbroken before but this just feels so much worse I don’t know what to do.
i went to the solicitors yesterday and someone called me back but it’s going to be £250 for an hour consultation to start with, I can’t afford that. I feel so trapped and lost
I thought I recognised your username with something like this
call around, there are lots of firms that offer a free consultation. If I were you I'd change the locks and let him pay to take you to court to get back in while you sort out some legal advice, then you can apply for the occupation order while you're there.
I think it’s downright disgusting that he’s been messing you around, splitting up and then wanting you back and the reason why is because he wants to make sure that his new woman will have him when he leaves you. He doesn’t want to leave you without making sure he can have this other woman. What a disgusting, vile person he is. The sooner you’re rid of him the better, how you’ve not lost your temper with him is beyond me. If he was my partner he would have a shovel in his head by now.