Body Image Issues & ED Support Thread

[Agent Cooper]

This thread is for everyone who has body image issues and/or eating disorders. I want this to be a safe place for all posters so please use trigger warnings for potentially triggering posts and try not to include or at least blur out numbers, sizes etc. This is not a substitute for professional advice but we can use this thread to get things off our chest and share our experiences.

Everyone is welcome here whether diagnosed or not

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Thank you for starting this thread. I have had a good week so far but at the moment am in the middle of a huge battle with my head. This morning felt so positive.

Will recovery ever come?

(sorry, not in the mood to do an introduction)

Hope everyone is ok.

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’ll start…I’ve never really shared this with anyone, but here is my story. TW as it mentions EDs, body issues etc.

I have orthorexia and I’m pretty sure some form of anorexia, too. I’ve always been very average and went through my younger years just fine. I never cared about my looks much until two of my close friends, both much smaller than me developed anorexia. Thankfully they’re fine now but being around them a lot made me slowly adopt this mindset and become very critical of my own body. I’ve become obsessed with ‘healthy’ eating and exercise. I tried everything from extreme diets to pills to exercise routines. You can’t tell by looking at me so I guess it was not very ‘successful’, but it did a good job of messing my brain up. There are few foods I can eat without feeling guilty and hating myself. I can’t eat around other people. If I absolutely have to, say at a cafe or a canteen, I will sit facing the wall or take my order to go and eat elsewhere. I think about food more than I should because I always feel like I have to plan my meals in order to make them ‘healthy’. My mood depends on whether I like what I see in the mirror. Most days I don’t. I can’t accept the way my body looks and currently there is not a single body part I like. I’ve thrown away my scale but I still track ‘progress’ by trying to fit in a certain clothing item. I’m lucky I don’t qualify for plastic surgery, otherwise I would have changed so many things. I’ve learned to live with these thoughts but I don’t think I will recover until we all stop glorifying thinness and judging women by their looks.

Funnily enough, I’m very supportive of other people and believe in body positivity. I just wish I could apply it to myself!

Thank you for starting this thread. I have had a good week so far but at the moment am in the middle of a huge battle with my head. This morning felt so positive.

Will recovery ever come?

(sorry, not in the mood to do an introduction)

Hope everyone is ok.

Half a week is a lot! I hope you keep it up, I know you can do it

 

[instanonsense]

Thank you for starting a thread. I haven’t got time to write my story but I have had an eating disorder for more years than I haven’t. You probably already follow megsy_recovery on Instagram and YouTube but if you don’t you really should. She has helped me more than anything else. She’s not stuck in quasi recovery either which I find a lot of people are. I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover but I’m not going to give up trying!

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Last night wasn’t as disastrous as it could have been so I am taking that as a win.

Mostly, I just feel so tired of the constant voice in my head. My wife wants me to delete MFP (which I do periodically just to reinstall the next morning) but what she doesn’t understand is that I know all the numbers anyway and am permanently counting and adding and working out how much to run/walk/swim. On another thread, I got so angry when people were giving the wrong calorie values for foods. I ended up correcting them and looked like, in all honesty, a huge twit. My body image is much better and I am learning not to want to look how I used to but this endless dialogue is exhausting.

I see people on Instagram say they have recovered. But how? Like the poster above, I see those who are in pseudo recovery and that is so dangerous. It leads people up the garden path, allows us to think that we can be well again.

Can we?

 

[Good Egg]

I’m an overeater. I binge eat and comfort eat. I’d think nothing of going into a shop, buying lots of food and eating it in one go.
For me it’s about control and comfort. I also suffer with Intrusive thoughts, OCD and I’ve self-harmed in the past.
I’ve kept my overeating a secret for many years. In fact - nobody is aware. I am overweight (16 stone).

It’s like the only thing I have control over is overeating. My own comfort, I feel safe and secure.

I’m not sure how to overcome it to be honest. It’s been a battle for many years.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Thank you for starting this thread @Agent Cooper It‘s such a hard thing to talk about, but maybe it will help to discuss it with other people who understand and aren’t judgemental.

I’ve had various eating disorders on and off for more than 20 years. Thankfully I’m physically recovered at the moment, but not mentally. I find it really embarrassing and awkward to talk about, but I seeing people here be so honest, I’ll try and be more open.

Spoiler: @ Into_the_tunnel

@Into_the_tunnel I saw the thread that you were talking about, if it’s the one I know too, and didn’t think you came across as a twit at all, honestly. It was a really tricky subject, and I think if people haven’t experienced how triggering it can be, they genuinely don’t understand.

Anyone there understands that it’s hard for you, you’ve been so open and honest, and if they don’t get why you felt compelled to correct things, that’s on them, not you. But I really do think most people would empathise, and understand why it was hard for you x

 

[MyLittlePony25]

I’m another one who has struggled with ED’s (AN, BN & Binge eating). I gained a lot of weight after being put on a medication that buggered my thyroid and have been trying to lose the weight I gained in the healthiest way possible. But I’m trying to challenge 20 years of ED behaviours.

It’s hard. I’ve struggled this week. but today I have managed so far even with extreme hunger.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I feel so guilty. The last few days have been a write off. I hate myself for letting it go like this.

I know it is because I went back to trying to restrict after covid and running too much and basically doing the stuff I shouldn’t.

At this point, I want to be able to Limit what I eat like I used to and run for hours like I used to just do I could get as small as I was.
I know that isn’t healthy but this has to stop.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I’m another one who has struggled with ED’s (AN, BN & Binge eating). I gained a lot of weight after being put on a medication that buggered my thyroid and have been trying to lose the weight I gained in the healthiest way possible. But I’m trying to challenge 20 years of ED behaviours.

It’s hard. I’ve struggled this week. but today I have managed so far even with extreme hunger.

I can relate to this, it’s SO hard. It’s like our brains have become wired differently, so the idea of losing weight in a “normal, healthy” way (whatever that means), is such an alien concept. I’m so sorry you’re struggling.

I feel so guilty. The last few days have been a write off. I hate myself for letting it go like this.

I know it is because I went back to trying to restrict after covid and running too much and basically doing the stuff I shouldn’t.

At this point, I want to be able to Limit what I eat like I used to and run for hours like I used to just do I could get as small as I was.
I know that isn’t healthy but this has to stop.

Please don’t feel guilty, if anyone else told you they were going through what you are, you would remind them that it’s not their own fault, but because of a cruel mental illness.
It‘s so hard knowing deep down it’s not healthy, but yet knowing that isn’t enough, the internal conflict is exhausting. I really hope you can see that you do very much deserve some help.


Sending solidarity and hope to everyone here x

 

[Agent Cooper]

Does anyone else ever get get so sick of seeing the same person in the mirror every day? I’m not sure if it’s self-hatred, it’s more of ‘Oh no, not you again’ thing. I feel like I separate myself from my body.

But I’m trying to challenge 20 years of ED behaviours.

It’s hard. I’ve struggled this week. but today I have managed so far even with extreme hunger.

I believe so much in you! You can do it 🤍

I feel so guilty. The last few days have been a write off. I hate myself for letting it go like this.

I know it is because I went back to trying to restrict after covid and running too much and basically doing the stuff I shouldn’t.

At this point, I want to be able to Limit what I eat like I used to and run for hours like I used to just do I could get as small as I was.
I know that isn’t healthy but this has to stop.

Please don’t feel guilty! It’s not you but your illness. I’m sure you are doing your best!

 

[TakeYourMama]

Just a message to say to all of you struggling - this can end. I promise, I know because I got out of an ED and I now live normally and eat normally.

Find a therapist you trust and just keep going, even when you feel its not helping - just keep going because its a cumulative thing. Challenge your ED - you deserve to life your life, we just get one - you need to fight hard not to lose it to an insidious ED. I believe in anyone reading this who is suffering, I promise you - you can beat this and live your life again.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Just a message to say to all of you struggling - this can end. I promise, I know because I got out of an ED and I now live normally and eat normally.

Find a therapist you trust and just keep going, even when you feel its not helping - just keep going because its a cumulative thing. Challenge your ED - you deserve to life your life, we just get one - you need to fight hard not to lose it to an insidious ED. I believe in anyone reading this who is suffering, I promise you - you can beat this and live your life again.

Thank you for this and to all the others offering support.

@Sideboard Bob .. thanks for reassuring me but I know what it looked like. I have stayed away and from F&D because I don’t want to be the one to be tiptoed around. This thing isolated me in real life and now I feel my life is shrinking even more.

Being here, downloading fitness apps, loading ridiculous numbers into MFP for the week ahead, recovery feels a million miles away. How can we go from being OK to being in the depths of this again?

Please don’t read ahead if badly triggered

I was reading on the Selling Sunset thread and there were comments on Emma and a picture of Chrishelle’s arm. Mine used to look like that and all I can think now is how to get back to that place. I know that is so wrong but there is no point (and we can’t really afford it at the moment) going to therapy if I want to restrict and continue to use exercise in this way.

Maybe tomorrow will be brighter, maybe this is tiredness from doing too much, no sleep from
an ill dog () and irrational thoughts taking over.

In terms of the mirror, totally. Who is that person mainly.

Sorry for dumping this.

 

[BelleAmie]

I’m an overeater. I binge eat and comfort eat. I’d think nothing of going into a shop, buying lots of food and eating it in one go.
For me it’s about control and comfort. I also suffer with Intrusive thoughts, OCD and I’ve self-harmed in the past.
I’ve kept my overeating a secret for many years. In fact - nobody is aware. I am overweight (16 stone).

It’s like the only thing I have control over is overeating. My own comfort, I feel safe and secure.

I’m not sure how to overcome it to be honest. It’s been a battle for many years.

I relate to this so much - I joke about being a ‘secret shame eater’ but it’s actually quite a problem. I also struggle with intrusive thoughts and OCD and having control over food.
Sending you, and everyone else in this thread, a huge hug

Thank you for this and to all the others offering support.

@Sideboard Bob .. thanks for reassuring me but I know what it looked like. I have stayed away and from F&D because I don’t want to be the one to be tiptoed around. This thing isolated me in real life and now I feel my life is shrinking even more.

Being here, downloading fitness apps, loading ridiculous numbers into MFP for the week ahead, recovery feels a million miles away. How can we go from being OK to being in the depths of this again?

Please don’t read ahead if badly triggered

I was reading on the Selling Sunset thread and there were comments on Emma and a picture of Chrishelle’s arm. Mine used to look like that and all I can think now is how to get back to that place. I know that is so wrong but there is no point (and we can’t really afford it at the moment) going to therapy if I want to restrict and continue to use exercise in this way.

Maybe tomorrow will be brighter, maybe this is tiredness from doing too much, no sleep from
an ill dog () and irrational thoughts taking over.

In terms of the mirror, totally. Who is that person mainly.

Sorry for dumping this.

Please don’t apologise, I’m glad that there is somewhere for people to voice how they feel, particularly when it’s things you might not want to share with our friends and family in ‘real life’. I wish I had something helpful to say but unfortunately I’m in the same boat. Sending love x

 

[Sideboard Bob]

@Sideboard Bob .. thanks for reassuring me but I know what it looked like. I have stayed away and from F&D because I don’t want to be the one to be tiptoed around. This thing isolated me in real life and now I feel my life is shrinking even more.

I understand. While I wasn’t just saying that to make you feel better, I don’t mean to downplay how it must have felt for you.

I can relate to feeling isolated, I’m trying so hard to not go back to ED behaviours but because I’ve been so depressed my mind has just found other “self destructive” things, like rejecting anything good in life and avoiding family and friends x

 

[WhatABore]

Thought I would just share a little bit of my story.
I have Bulimia and I also Binge Eat and comfort eat.

Spoiler: TW/Sexual Abuse/bulimia

It started when I was 6 and I was being sexually abused at home. It began with sneaking crisps and chocolate from the fridge. Any time it happened, I'd go steal a bunch of crisps or whatever and hide it in my room.
I started gaining weight very quick but nobody could work out why. -(my mum didn't give me the healthiest food on top anyway) and then the twice weekly weigh ins began.
My Mum would then shout at me for gaining weight each time.
This comfort eating got worse and worse and eventually turned to Binge eating around the age of 10. My Mum at the same time as weighing me twice a week, would, almost daily, leave bug bags of chocolate and crisps on my bed for after school and then shout at me for eating them all. And then again, shout at me for ganing weight.
She's put me on countless diets and at the age of 10, at 14 stone, I was signed up to Weight Watchers.
The binge eating continued along with the sexual abuse and then on top of that, not only was Mum shouting at me for not losing weight, I felt I had the extra pressure of the people weighing me at WW. Again, it made it even worse.
At the age of 12, I read in a magazine about Bulimia and wondered if that would help. So every time I binged, I'd make myself sick. And that continued. But by the age of 14, I was 21 stone.
I moved in with my Dad at this point. My dad was always home and the house was a lot smaller so I couldn't sneak food. Not as much anyway. I'd also started having to walk to school, where as before I had to bus. So I started losing weight.
Then as the stones dropped off, the comments and compliments got more. So I started making myself sick even without bingeing. I dropped from 21 stone to 15 stone in the space of a year.
Then I met my then boyfriend and got the freedom again where I could Binge Eat anytime I felt sad. Dealing with ptsd ect from the sexual abuse. Once I moved out at 18, I went from 13 stone up to 17 in 4 months.
Then the comments started about how I was gaining weight.
So the making myself sick started again and bingeing.
I went up to 27 stone. At 26, I joined Slimming world. I lost 9 stone. But again, thriving on the comments, I stopped eating. Which is basically how I lost all the weight. I was having no more than 1000 calories a day.

Fast forward to now, I'm 30, I haven't regained the weight because anytime I step on the scales and I've gained a pound, it sends me into a spiral of making myself sick and not eating.

I have huge guilt around feeling full. I can eat a salad and feel full and the only way to get rid of that guilt is to make myself feel sick.

This has resulted in really bad teeth and quite a few other things from constantly being sick.

Thank you if you read all that. And hopefully isn't too triggering for anyone!

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I understand. While I wasn’t just saying that to make you feel better, I don’t mean to downplay how it must have felt for you.

I can relate to feeling isolated, I’m trying so hard to not go back to ED behaviours but because I’ve been so depressed my mind has just found other “self destructive” things, like rejecting anything good in life and avoiding family and friends x

Oh, sorry, I know you weren’t downplaying it. I just know when I look like an idiot and I had a feeling that was a time when I came across like a massive one.



So sorry things aren’t good for you either. I see your posts and you are always so upbeat, but I suppose we can hide a million things with our posts. Remember, I am always here, lurking, trying not to be an idiot, trying to get through each day. Sending huge hugs Bob xxx

 

[Scotty1976]

What a lovely supportive thread. I've had Anorexia for a few decades now and no one realises how lonely and isolating it is I wish I could give all of you with eating disorders a big cuddle.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

What a lovely supportive thread. I've had Anorexia for a few decades now and no one realises how lonely and isolating it is I wish I could give all of you with eating disorders a big cuddle.

Lonely sums it up perfectly. You don’t want to go out in case you have to eat because then you will lose the control you have.

You don’t want to go out at all because you hate the way you look.

You don’t want to be around other people because of the (seemingly) ease they have with themselves and food.

You end up being snappy and cruel to those around you because you are either hungry, filled with self-hatred, guilt, or are preoccupied with behaviours that are to do with your ED.

Basically you want to be alone to do the thing(s) that make you feel in control but that makes you so unbearably sad.

It is so helpful to have this thread. Thank you for listening and thank you to those that have shared their stories. It must have been hard.

 

[Agent Cooper]

Does anyone else find social media and pop culture especially triggering? I’m okay in my daily life, but sometimes you just see a picture on Instagram or watch a movie that is all about the importance of being beautiful and thin, and it really gives you all the wrong thoughts. At least I’m an adult, hate to think how dangerous it can be for teenagers

What a lovely supportive thread. I've had Anorexia for a few decades now and no one realises how lonely and isolating it is I wish I could give all of you with eating disorders a big cuddle.

A big hug back