ASD Toddlers

[peachhes]

Had multiple meltdown crying sessions already this week over him starting nursery in 2 weeks I’m just so worried he’ll crumble…. He doesn’t talk, doesn’t play with things how you should do, doesn’t always understand things.. I’m just mega concerned they won’t know how to deal with him he’s not naughty or boisterous he just doesn’t listen

 

[LittleMy]

It’s so hard isn’t it? Believe me, I have been where you are now and it all seems scary, but the staff will know what to do. They will likely be trained on how to care for children with additional support needs. I can only speak from my own experience with my sons but nursery can be great for helping bring children on in their development. It can also help support any assessment your child undergoes as they often like to know how your child is in that type of setting, whether he interacts with his peers, and identifying what type of supports are needed to aid his development. He may surprise you and take to it very well.

 

[beyondtired]

I really feel for you big hugs. My daughter is 6 and she has ASD. For a good few years when she was younger I was made just to feel like a really tit parent saying she’s just naughty (Meltdowns over smells and loud noises), she’s lazy (For not talking understanding instructions).... but I just knew mother’s instinct and all that, that this was something else.
Now she’s older I’m being honest I do find it harder, physically (being heavily pregnant doesn’t help lol). But me and my partner were saying this just last night we feel we can cope better with her meltdowns now and her quirky ways.
Just like the arseholes on mumsnet we still experience the know it alls and tutting when out... a loudly stimming 6 year old in an adapted pram is a lot more noticeable. But we move!
I’ve found an amazing group on fb that have been a huge support for myself... even when you just wanna rant there’s no judging just other mums and dads all in the same boat navigating life with their Neurodiverse little ones in a neurotypical world

 

[Milehammer]

The HV picked up some signs in my son at his 2 year health check (flapping, not socialising, repeating things people say) and passed it on to his nursery. Nursery have been monitoring ever since but think he's improving and there's not much to worry about it. I do think lockdown played a massive part as these kids just haven't learnt how to interact with others.

Had multiple meltdown crying sessions already this week over him starting nursery in 2 weeks I’m just so worried he’ll crumble…. He doesn’t talk, doesn’t play with things how you should do, doesn’t always understand things.. I’m just mega concerned they won’t know how to deal with him he’s not naughty or boisterous he just doesn’t listen

I promise you he'll be fine, they just adapt. My son started nursery in September and they've been so good with him. His key worker made a targeted plan to help him and she encourages him to sit with other children and models how he should be playing and interacting and he's improved so much! I don't think he would have improved anywhere near as much if he were still at home with me every day.

 

[hettywainthroppp]

Had multiple meltdown crying sessions already this week over him starting nursery in 2 weeks I’m just so worried he’ll crumble…. He doesn’t talk, doesn’t play with things how you should do, doesn’t always understand things.. I’m just mega concerned they won’t know how to deal with him he’s not naughty or boisterous he just doesn’t listen

My little one was the same when he started nursery, and I felt exactly the same way as you. The nursery were fab, they put a 1:1 in place for him immediately, they got all the intervention teams involved, he was already under the speech and language team, but the nursery will be your left arm in terms of support. They have access to so many services.
Your little one will be absolutely fine once he starts, they are seeing more and more children with developmental delays due to lockdown, so they are very quick to snap into action.

Nursery was the making of my little boy and he’s come on so much since he started. 2020 he was barely saying a word, two years later he doesn’t stop

 

[peachhes]

He had his first settling in session this morning and although he whinged a bit (he was shattered as well) he was fine, the nursery were so lovely and said they have a few kids that don’t talk his age. He still puts toys in his mouth out of habit so they are going to get him his own toy to chew on if he wants whilst he’s there. Definitely put my mind at ease!!

 

[lookwhatthecatdraggedin1]

He had his first settling in session this morning and although he whinged a bit (he was shattered as well) he was fine, the nursery were so lovely and said they have a few kids that don’t talk his age. He still puts toys in his mouth out of habit so they are going to get him his own toy to chew on if he wants whilst he’s there. Definitely put my mind at ease!!

Hi, Ive only just come across this thread but I was just as worried when my little boy started nursery. He’s 2 an a half doesn’t speak and has a lot of autistic traits, the nursery have been fantastic and he’s come on a lot in terms of babbling / eye contact / communicating in what his needs are without speaking and also interacting with children which he used to cower in a corner when kids would come near. He will do amazing and you’ll notice a real difference in him, hope everything goes okay xx

 

[Dollenganger]

Apologies for the mega long read !!
My son is just turned 3 and starting nursery in a few weeks. Most of his life so far has been lockdowns so has been pretty sheltered sadly. I’m just after some support and advice hopefully as Im worried there’s something wrong with him.

Doesn’t talk
Rarely understands instructions
Sometimes doesn’t respond to his name
Doesn’t clap or wave
Doesn’t really play with toys/games and prefers to do things alone
Flaps his arms a lot, likes to spin round
Occasionally lines up cars etc (not very often at all)
He hand leads when he wants something

But then I flip it in my head and think there’s loads of ‘signs’ that don’t apply to him, he’s super loving, fine around other people/kids, has no eye contact issues, if he wants a drink he’ll bring me his cup etc. I read online (silly I know) and my only concern is some articles say literally everything and anything is an autism ‘red flag’ (hate that phrase) sign.

Hi there. I thought I’d respond because I have four daughters and (at least) two of them (aged 20 and 13) are diagnosed autistic although very different profiles. I have an 18 year old who is NT and I also have a 2 year old and I watch her for signs. I am also autistic myself.

If your son was my little boy, I honestly would be pushing hard to get him assessed. If he’s nearly 3 and rarely understands instructions and also doesn’t play, then this is a big red flag. Can he imitate you? I would not say that lockdown causes a deficit in these things because my 2 year old picks up all kinds of things and I have no idea where she learned them. She could still be on the spectrum, the jury is out for now (but that’s another story!)

Eye contact and being affectionate are things that have been associated with autism but they are nothing more than tropes, really. My most affectionate child is on the spectrum and none of those of us who have a diagnosis struggle at all with eye contact.

I firmly believe that if a child is showing signs of autism, especially when they also are not learning from their environment then a diagnosis is needed as soon as possible. It’s not fair to send him off to a mainstream school in 1+ years time where teachers will expect things of him that he simply may not be able to do, yet.

I hope I haven’t made you feel worried. Even if your son is autistic, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with him. He’s just going to need everyone to understand that he sees the world differently.

 

[maytoseptember]

Hi @peachhes

I have been in your shoes and I remember it well. All the soul-seaching about autistic traits. Worrying when you realise that your child has a bunch of traits, but also thinking "well he doesn't have these other traits so maybe I'm worrying for nothing!" and just feeling so conflicted about it all. It's such a scary time. And I can tell you know, I delayed getting advice for such a long time: (1) because I was scared and (2) because people used to reassure me by saying "ah don't you worry, he'll wake up one day and he'll be talking in complete sentences!" I wanted to believe that so I kept waiting and waiting...

Ignore that bollocks you hear about "early intervention" and how important it is. I hate the term "early intervention". To be frank, if you child is autistic they are autistic, and no intervention is going to mould the autism out of them.

Also, don't be afraid of autism. If anything, I recommend that you check out some accounts on social media that are about real families living real lives and not all that dry, doom-and-gloom articles full of medical language that only concentrate on the deficits of autism. My advice is do try to get into the system and get your child seen by a paediatrician. These things take a long time so there's no point waiting. Also, ignore any rubbish you hear about "labels" and worrying that your child will have a "label" forced upon them. It's so offensive.

My son is autistic. He was diagnosed just after he turned 5 but I had been pretty sure he was autistic for a good 9-12 months prior to that. He doesn't stop talking. He is incredibly clever. He has a brilliant sense of humour. He tells me he loves me every day. He really does make me so proud. Yes, he struggles socially and with anxiety, I'm not going to pretend that life is perfect, but that's true for any family.

The hardest thing about raising an autistic child is other people He is brilliant and I wouldn't change him, but I would change the world FOR him, if that makes sense.

 

[Dollenganger]

Hi @peachhes

I have been in your shoes and I remember it well. All the soul-seaching about autistic traits. Worrying when you realise that your child has a bunch of traits, but also thinking "well he doesn't have these other traits so maybe I'm worrying for nothing!" and just feeling so conflicted about it all. It's such a scary time. And I can tell you know, I delayed getting advice for such a long time: (1) because I was scared and (2) because people used to reassure me by saying "ah don't you worry, he'll wake up one day and he'll be talking in complete sentences!" I wanted to believe that so I kept waiting and waiting...

Ignore that bollocks you hear about "early intervention" and how important it is. I hate the term "early intervention". To be frank, if you child is autistic they are autistic, and no intervention is going to mould the autism out of them.

Also, don't be afraid of autism. If anything, I recommend that you check out some accounts on social media that are about real families living real lives and not all that dry, doom-and-gloom articles full of medical language that only concentrate on the deficits of autism. My advice is do try to get into the system and get your child seen by a paediatrician. These things take a long time so there's no point waiting. Also, ignore any rubbish you hear about "labels" and worrying that your child will have a "label" forced upon them. It's so offensive.

My son is autistic. He was diagnosed just after he turned 5 but I had been pretty sure he was autistic for a good 9-12 months prior to that. He doesn't stop talking. He is incredibly clever. He has a brilliant sense of humour. He tells me he loves me every day. He really does make me so proud. Yes, he struggles socially and with anxiety, I'm not going to pretend that life is perfect, but that's true for any family.

The hardest thing about raising an autistic child is other people He is brilliant and I wouldn't change him, but I would change the world FOR him, if that makes sense.

I agree that the biggest problem is ableism. A lot of people can’t even be bothered to try to understand. But knowledge is power. I think it would have helped me to know I was autistic growing up. I never fitted it. I also agree with what you say about ‘early intervention’. It can be stressful for the child.

 

[Happy Lady]

Oh @peachhes I feel for you, but you have been given some wonderful advice on this thread. My son (now 36) had a little friend when he was younger, who just wouldn't talk. I looked after him now and then and calmly asked him "What's this". At first he looked at me as if I was bonkers, but then out if the blue he said "car". So that was a word he could then say. Later I asked him again "What's this", and he just said "car" again. I praised him loads, and when his mum returned, I did it again and he replied. It made his mum cry - but it was the start of a long journey. He was assessed and has autism, and the family accepted it, helped him and were supported.

Slow steps, patience, loving rewards will see great benefits.

I wish you, your little one, and your family well. Help is out there, you're not on your own, and like others have said, now he's mixing with others he'll come on in leaps and bounds.

 

[maytoseptember]

I agree that the biggest problem is ableism. A lot of people can’t even be bothered to try to understand. But knowledge is power. I think it would have helped me to know I was autistic growing up. I never fitted it. I also agree with what you say about ‘early intervention’. It can be stressful for the child.

Knowledge is power - exactly! I love that phrase and have always lived by it.

I also think I’m autistic and it would have made such a difference to my life if I’d known who I was, why I’ve always felt different and like I didn’t fit in. That’s why I resent ableist attitudes (that you see everywhere!) that tell parents that “labelling” kids is wrong, and it’s far better to go through life undiagnosed than shoulder the stigma of an official diagnosis. It’s wrong.

 

[hol20x]

Does anyone have any tips for taking away the dummy so it’s only for bedtime? My daughter is about to turn 4, she’s autistic and has special educational needs (learning difficulties and communication problems mainly). She absolutely loves her dummy, it’s like a comfort to her. I’ve been trying to take it off her in the daytime but once she starts getting upset about something she cries for it back. I feel bad even taking it off her but she talks a lot more when it’s out, so I’m doing it for her benefit. She manages without it at nursery (but she’s only there for an hour cos that’s all she can cope with) but at home she barely goes 5 minutes without it.

 

[maytoseptember]

Does anyone have any tips for taking away the dummy so it’s only for bedtime?

I remember both of my kids (both autistic but I didn’t know it back then) being addicted to their dummy, and I was wary of denying them that comfort they so badly needed. Both of them gave them up when they were ready with no tears and no Dummy Fairy.

I can’t even remember how it happened, but we slowly transitioned to having it just for bedtime, and with both kids I remember thinking I was just automatically handing it over without them asking for it So I just stopped handing it over. It was that easy!

So my advice is don’t turn it into a huge battle, it’ll be miserable for both of you. Try gradually allowing less time with it in the daytime, but if she gets into a state it’s really not worth fighting it.

 

[Dollenganger]

Does anyone have any tips for taking away the dummy so it’s only for bedtime? My daughter is about to turn 4, she’s autistic and has special educational needs (learning difficulties and communication problems mainly). She absolutely loves her dummy, it’s like a comfort to her. I’ve been trying to take it off her in the daytime but once she starts getting upset about something she cries for it back. I feel bad even taking it off her but she talks a lot more when it’s out, so I’m doing it for her benefit. She manages without it at nursery (but she’s only there for an hour cos that’s all she can cope with) but at home she barely goes 5 minutes without it.

I agree with @maytoseptember. One of my autistic children had her dummy at night until the age of 7! And whilst this isn’t ideal, I think you have to bear in mind that a world designed for NT people is stressful for those of us who are autistic. A dummy is better than some of the inadvertently self harming things - my daughter is 13 now and years of bashing her knuckles against her teeth have made them quite sore and I doubt it has done much for her teeth either.

Autistic people really need whatever soothes them to help them self regulate. I would say it’s a case of pick your battles.

It sounds as if your daughter only wants it when she’s upset - so it’s not like she uses it constantly?

 

[hol20x]

I agree with @maytoseptember. One of my autistic children had her dummy at night until the age of 7! And whilst this isn’t ideal, I think you have to bear in mind that a world designed for NT people is stressful for those of us who are autistic. A dummy is better than some of the inadvertently self harming things - my daughter is 13 now and years of bashing her knuckles against her teeth have made them quite sore and I doubt it has done much for her teeth either.

Autistic people really need whatever soothes them to help them self regulate. I would say it’s a case of pick your battles.

It sounds as if your daughter only wants it when she’s upset - so it’s not like she uses it constantly?

It’s a comfort to her when she’s upset but she tends to pop it back in her mouth even when she’s just playing. If I hide it she’ll cry for it.

 

[maytoseptember]

It’s a comfort to her when she’s upset but she tends to pop it back in her mouth even when she’s just playing. If I hide it she’ll cry for it.

Just let her have it then. Keep trying to hide it but if she cries for it I’d let her have it. Then try to take it away after a little while. She will reach a stage where she either doesn’t need it, or doesn’t get the same comfort from it.

She’s probably an oral sensory seeker and just need that sensory input. Better to have a clean dummy than fingers or other objects that might be a choking hazard.

 

[Livelife01]

Apologies for the mega long read !!
My son is just turned 3 and starting nursery in a few weeks. Most of his life so far has been lockdowns so has been pretty sheltered sadly. I’m just after some support and advice hopefully as Im worried there’s something wrong with him.

Doesn’t talk
Rarely understands instructions
Sometimes doesn’t respond to his name
Doesn’t clap or wave
Doesn’t really play with toys/games and prefers to do things alone
Flaps his arms a lot, likes to spin round
Occasionally lines up cars etc (not very often at all)
He hand leads when he wants something

But then I flip it in my head and think there’s loads of ‘signs’ that don’t apply to him, he’s super loving, fine around other people/kids, has no eye contact issues, if he wants a drink he’ll bring me his cup etc. I read online (silly I know) and my only concern is some articles say literally everything and anything is an autism ‘red flag’ (hate that phrase) sign.

Hi, I hope you don’t mind me asking but how are things with your son now? My son was two in august and his nursery has just said he is very distracted and it’s made me realise he doesn’t respond at all to me or respond to his name (at all!) or follow instructions. I feel like he has regressed a little from a few months ago, he has started a new nursery and I have had a new baby, his old nursery did not flag anything up.
He also has a lot of signs that doesn’t apply to him, his HV check isn’t until January so I’m sure she’ll say whether or not he needs a referral. I had speech delay when I was younger and I will ask for a hearing test to rule it out even though I am sure he can hear me.
Thank you x

 

[peachhes]

Hi, I hope you don’t mind me asking but how are things with your son now? My son was two in august and his nursery has just said he is very distracted and it’s made me realise he doesn’t respond at all to me or respond to his name (at all!) or follow instructions. I feel like he has regressed a little from a few months ago, he has started a new nursery and I have had a new baby, his old nursery did not flag anything up.
He also has a lot of signs that doesn’t apply to him, his HV check isn’t until January so I’m sure she’ll say whether or not he needs a referral. I had speech delay when I was younger and I will ask for a hearing test to rule it out even though I am sure he can hear me.
Thank you x

Hey!
Not all that much has changed really, still no proper words, still not much understanding etc, and it’s frustrating to me as I feel like it’s somehow my fault! I feel defeated as we do try to bring him on with his instructions/words etc but it doesn’t seem to work. I think he struggles with fine motor as well as he won’t hold a pen/thread laces/zippers etc.

He’s dropped hours at nursery to literally an hour a day as he is tending to seek out an adult for a bit of comfort which they can’t deal with (apparently)
We started the process for ASD /SALT quite early on after joining nursery so things are in progress now for school next year.
My son still doesn’t really follow instructions, but he’ll bring you what he wants and he understands when it’s shoes on/coat on and things like that.
Definitely chat with your HV and voice your concerns as if there are any ‘issues’ (hate that word!) it will really help to get any support at a younger age. Our nursery worked with the HV to put in the referrals to SALT which took 3 months for a telephone appt, and this week we got a letter saying our ASD test referral had been accepted and we’d been placed on the waiting list we were told to make sure everything referral wise (if req) is in before they’re 3/4 else they won’t get the help they need at school.

Also deffo ask for the hearing test like you’ve said as we had this and they said his hearing is absolutely fine, so it’s something to rule out and you can focus on the next steps.

I hope that helps a little bit x

 

[Dollenganger]

Hey!
Not all that much has changed really, still no proper words, still not much understanding etc, and it’s frustrating to me as I feel like it’s somehow my fault! I feel defeated as we do try to bring him on with his instructions/words etc but it doesn’t seem to work. I think he struggles with fine motor as well as he won’t hold a pen/thread laces/zippers etc.

He’s dropped hours at nursery to literally an hour a day as he is tending to seek out an adult for a bit of comfort which they can’t deal with (apparently)
We started the process for ASD /SALT quite early on after joining nursery so things are in progress now for school next year.
My son still doesn’t really follow instructions, but he’ll bring you what he wants and he understands when it’s shoes on/coat on and things like that.
Definitely chat with your HV and voice your concerns as if there are any ‘issues’ (hate that word!) it will really help to get any support at a younger age. Our nursery worked with the HV to put in the referrals to SALT which took 3 months for a telephone appt, and this week we got a letter saying our ASD test referral had been accepted and we’d been placed on the waiting list we were told to make sure everything referral wise (if req) is in before they’re 3/4 else they won’t get the help they need at school.

Also deffo ask for the hearing test like you’ve said as we had this and they said his hearing is absolutely fine, so it’s something to rule out and you can focus on the next steps.

I hope that helps a little bit x

Hi, I just wanted to say that it does not sound very good that your nursery have made your son drop to one hour a day. How is that supposed to help him when he starts school next year?

They should be trying to accommodate him instead of making their lives easier and what they are doing, frankly sounds discriminatory. I’d be looking for another nursery who treats their paying customers better, personally.

I’m glad to hear that your request for assessment has been accepted though - that’s great news.

Also, please don’t blame yourself. I used to feel this way about one of my children who really didn’t pick anything up, no matter how hard I tried. I used to blame myself and think that maybe I didn’t read her books well enough(!)