Anyone else planning on asking for divorce as soon lockdown is over?

[GiftedNotFree]

I don't know why I'm writing this I'm just fed up. Been with my partner 8 years. No proposal or kids.

For some reason, he's increasingly become 'aggressive' and I write it like that because in no way (I think, anyway) he means it on an aggressive part. Mostly is just him trying to mess about. Which I know sounds ridiculous I'm complaining about this when there is so much domestic violence happening, but please bear with me.

So he started this thing of just slapping me round the face for no reason. Sometimes it's hard (not full on slap) sometimes it's just a touch of the face. He also comes up behind me too aggressively and sometimes I don't like it if I'm in the middle of doing something like sorting the dishwasher out or something. And he would be groping me and slapping my bum, but not in a nice way in a real hard aggressive way that I simply just don't like. No matter how much I tell him I don't like it, or it hurts he carries on. It literally feels sometimes like he's going to pull my boob off. It makes me feel uncomfortable when I can't get out of his grip. The slapping we started off as a joke thing but now it just seems constant. So far he's done it 3 times and it's 11am.

We argued real bad about this a few weeks ago. I asked him if there's any reason he has all this pent up aggression. He said he didn't realise how he was being and thinks lockdown has got to him a bit. Fast forward to now it's just the same. I'm fed up with it. I am a bit of a wimp too and have a low pain threshold so sometimes it just hurts. It has got worse since lockdown began. Maybe he's bored, frustrated I don't know.

I feel ridiculous sometimes complaining about this, he's not a bad person or aggressive natured. I just can't fathom why he's started being over the top, but my problem is he just won't stop it. I don't think he intentionally wants to hurt me. When we argued I said I was feeling a little neglected as most the contact we has was him'messing' about grabbing me and doing whatever, and I was missing the lovey hugs from behind,the unexpected little hugs and kisses. Doesn't seem to have taken what I said on board and respected that.

I’m sorry this is happening. It doesn’t matter that he isn’t normally aggressive by nature or a “bad person” (I hate this phrase— it muddies the water heavily, it’s hard to define the word ‘bad’) this is abusive behaviour and it needs to STOP in all forms. You have told him you don’t like it and asked for him to modify the behaviour to the way you’d like to be treated - hugs, kisses etc are fine but this is not and it sounds like he has ignored you.

I hope you find the strength to tell him that it’s abuse, you’re not willing to tolerate it and there will be consequences if it doesn’t stop. I know it’s easy for me to say because it’s not my relationship, but I wouldn’t tolerate this for a minute. It’s behaviour that will likely only escalate.

 

[LittleBird]

All sounds very familiar, I own a house with my boyfriend 150 miles away from my home town. He's always gamed but since he has been furloughed he has played it constantly. In the last 3 weeks, I can count the times he has come to bed before midnight as he usually stays up until 3 or 4 and then sleeps on the sofa til 7 so he doesn't wake me up. He came to bed last night but was up at 7am playing his xbox.

I am wfh full time in a demanding job and want to sort out the DIY on the house whilst we have the time but feel like I'm fighting a losing battle now. He also complains that his friends can party, drink and smoke but he isnt allowed because he has to compromise whilst I'm working and refers to furlough as his "holiday or retirement".

I've actually had enough of it and have used lockdown to save some cash and as soon as he is back at work I'm going to spring into action and get out. Like most of you, I'm 29 and terrified of starting again after 4 years but I'm also aware that life is too short. It's times like this I wish I lived closer to home because leaving will mean leaving my job eventually and the house I have worked so hard on as I want to be close to my family and friends.

An update if anyone is interested, we broke up yesterday. As much as it hurts and really leaves me feeling unsure of my future I know it's the right thing to do. Hopefully we can remain civil as we sort out the house

 

[BoredHousewifeSince2007]

I have been married since 2007 and we have three children. My parents know we have problems but he is very charming and provides a ‘nice’ life for us so I think it might be easier for them to believe I am the problem. I have quietly made plans to leave him this week. Thank you so much.

 

[tskiry56]

If anything a lock down situation where your with your partner 24/7 makes you question what you really want and if your happy.
I would say follow your heart and do what's best for you.
I stayed with my ex partner for far too long because I was too afraid of being a single mum I was worried what people would think of me.
But leaving him gave me freedom I wasnt scared anymore and it made me realise what situation I was in I didnt need to hide anything anymore.
I never thought I would meet anyone after everything and resigned myself to being on my own but I met someone who makes me happy and I can be myself.
You only get one life... do what makes you happy.

 

[tskiry56]

I feel the same about my relationship. Been with my husband for 9 years,married for 4 and have a 19 month old. The relationship went down hill when I was pregnant and something happened when I was 3 weeks pp that I can't forgive him for. We where having problems at Christmas, I was moaning all the time and he would leave me to go on his games but I promised to try and not moan and shout, this lasted until March and I lost it as he still hadn't bothered to try. I told him I'd had enough and he then said he would try but I feel it's too late. He should have tried because he wanted to not because his hand has been forced.

I told him I don't love him and that I want to have sex with other people(might be wrong of me to say that ) I've only ever been with him. He says we cant break up because he likes our house,he wants our son to have his family in this home but should I sacrifice my own happiness for that? The idea of moving out,money etc scares me.

He is insisting that we can have seperate lives but still live together and pretend things are ok to our families.

You should never sacrifice your own happiness because he likes your house etc. Also saying he wants your son to grow up in your home.
Saying things like that messes with your emotions and makes you feel guilty.
You only get one life do what makes you happy and what's best for you and your son.

 

[Welsh1]

This just brought back an awful memory!

Me and my husband have been together now for 14 years, married for 6. We brought our first house together in summer 2018 . I was working at a solicitors at the time dealing with property and there were so many purchases that fell through that I naturally felt quite anxious about my purchase. My husband didn't say anything until the day it completed. They let me finish work early to pick up the keys, and I met him at the new house. As I put the key in the door he blurted out that he thinks he has made a huge mistake buying this house with me as he doesn't love me anymore, that I was always worried about something and that I was not the person he married. That he had held it in since I was pregnant hoping it would get better. It was soooo awful. Our parents turned up shortly afterward to have a snoop and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, but he said not to say anything.

After about a week of constant back and forth arguments about how this all came about, I noticed his phone was going off all the time and he said he was talking to his friends. I found out he was meeting two women for lunch every single day at work and going to cafes, parks, pubs etc but he never told me as he said he knew I would just be jealous. One day during these arguments he had skived off work and went to a country park with one of these women and didn't get home till midnight. Then he admitted that he wanted an open relationship as I was very prude and conservative (I totally am but I've been that way for the whole 14 years I've not changed) and he wanted to try new experiences with different types of women, and to be able to chat other women up without feeling guilty. When I said that the thought of it sickened me he said he could maybe do it, or visit paid women, and not tell me so that I wouldn't be upset about it!

We separated for a month but stayed in the house as we had literally just brought it and was moving in. We are now back together as I cannot face the prospect of not living with my little boy 24/7 as my husband said he would definitely fight for 50/50 contact at a minimum. I feel like a fool for staying and my friends and family make it clear I am one (and I lost my best friend in the process). So well done for all of these women who have the courage to start again!! I don't.

This made me feel so sad for you reading this. Your sense of worth must be on the floor. I'm sorry but I'm about to be a little bit brutal, where I can completely understand that starting again is scary and sharing your son is not something you want to do, eventually your son is going to grow up and realise that things are not happy at home. Your husband is not your husband anymore, he has openly told you he wants to sleep with other women and this will more than likely happen as he wants to put his own sexual needs before any of your needs. You have spent 14 years of your life with him for this to be the outcome, you will constantly wonder who he's with and what he's doing and the lack of disrespect on his part is disgusting. Please do not sacrifice your own self worth and happiness any longer x

I’ve only just found this thread but wanted to say in am in the same boat as you! My partner is a gamer all he does is play games all day and watch other people play too. We don’t have sex , he pleases himself and I’m left to sort the three boys we have , keep the house tidy make sure everything is sorted out. I’ve been with him for almost 10 years now(we are both 26) and I feel like I am ready to move on without him. I’m so miserable. He pays me no attention, even tells me to not touch him?! I fantasise about being with someone else. But I’m too scared to leave and can’t see myself ever doing it.

Can I ask what is the main thing that scares you here? You are doing it all alone already. He's playing his games, not taking care of any of his responsibilities and acting like a single man as it is. You are so young still, he doesn't respect you, does nothing to make you happy, please don't waste anymore of your life on this man.

 

[Dizzy]

I'm divorced (my decision to leave) so I can understand exactly how you're feeling. No advice I'm afraid but I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I wish you every luck in staying positive until this is all over. I've thought lots of times of people stuck in unhappy marriages (and worse) and how difficult it must be.

 

[BoredHousewifeSince2007]

You need to leave him now, can you go to your parents or a friends house?

I have just asked my mum and dad if me and the children can stay with them for a few days to make some arrangements. I don’t work or own our house (he changed the deeds so he owned it all a couple of years ago) so have no money (no bank account). He reminded me tonight when I asked him to leave that this was ‘his house’ and not mine.

 

[Lurker4751]

I was with my ex for ten years from ages 16 married since 19 and two young children. We was not happy for at least half of it, but we stayed together for the children. He wasn't a bad husband it's just there was nothing there between us anymore, just friends. Tragically December of last year I lost my mother to suicide, she was only 47 so as you can imagine it made life feel all the more shorter to me. Once my head had cleared a bit I knew I had to make a change so started with my unhappy marriage. We separated in February and although I have days where I feel very lonely, exasperated by this lockdown of course, all in all I feel proud of my self. It was such a scary thought at first but the freedom and prospects are endless and I can't wait for my future now xx

Wow... I'm so so sorry for your loss but it sounds to me like your mother raised a very strong woman. Well done you for taking the plunge, you should be so proud of yourself xx

 

[Gossiper35]

This behaviour is not okay and you are not a wimp! You've asked him to stop it and he's continuing to do it. It will get worse. If it was just messing around he would have been mortified he'd made you feel that way and would have stopped immediately. Instead he's carrying on and trying to test you to see if you'll put up with it. Don't. Tell him one final time that if he touches you this way again you will report him and you will leave.
Honestly though, I'd leave without saying anything, just incase he becomes even more violent

 

[Dollydiamond85]

Aww thank you. I have ended it with him. I got the usually trying to turn it in me, wasnt getting enough attention since the baby come along, etc, I'm sorry for trying to raise your son. Then got it out of him that she knew about me all along. I'm just trying to work things out for myself and baby as hes adamant hes not leaving x

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Deeds and money - can be sorted later. Right now, your safety comes first. Get to your parents x

 

[Hc68759]

I’m in a happy relationship now but my previous relationship was like that. No sex (other than once or twice a year max) and I started to really resent him because he made no effort with anything else in our relationship either. It was stressful leaving him as caused a massive upheaval in my life but I’m so glad I did it. Good luck x

 

[Raininvain]

Sounds like on this thread everyone is working and doing alright for themselves financially so will fairly easily be able to support themselves without these stupid waster men.Just make plans to leave them now then when the CV crisis is over you'll be able to crack on. Its no life to be on your own all the time whilst a partner/husband is on a playstation. You might as well be on your own and see friends and family and dates if you want.

 

[Twinkle2910]

I am in a similar situation so I totally feel all of you. My oh plays games ALL day. (From eyes open to eyes shut) I am wfh and he is literally playing all the time. I keep asking him to stop for a bit so we can spend time together he says “ok” then goes straight back. We have been together 5 years and the last 2 years it’s got worse. We haven’t been intimate in well over a year. He doesn’t speak to or listen to me. I’m so lonely. I keep trying to talk about it and get told I’m moaning or controlling.
I’m soo scared to leave as I cannot afford everything on my own. I am 35 and feel I’m too old to start the dating thing again and just feel generally shit. Sorry to moan on this post but it’s the only place I can as I feel so alone. Xx

 

[Bee3]

I’ve never posted on this website before but feel like I’m at my wits end and just looking for a bit of advice. Also, I apologise if this isn’t the best thread to be posting this on but it’s the closest I could find to my issue.

I don’t want to alarm family or friends by asking them for advice as it may be me overreacting, but I doubt it.

I have been with my partner (fiance) for nearly 7 years (no kids). I am 28 and he is 29. We own a house together (for the past 2 years) and one of the rooms (our meant to be dining room) is his gaming room. Allowing him to have a gaming room was the worst decision I’ve ever made. He works part time and is a key worker, so is still going to work 5 days a week although his job is anything but stressful. Once his job is done it’s done and he doesn’t have to think about it until the following day. I on the other hand work full time in quite a fast paced, demanding and stressful job and am currently working from home 4 days a week (full time hours, condensed into 4 days due to a medical issue). Anyway, my partner is coming in from work any time between 1-3pm and jumps straight on his PS4 and talks ‘online’ to his friends. I am upstairs in my office working which includes Microsoft Team meetings/conference calls and all I can hear is him talking absolute crap on his gaming and it drives me mad. I can honestly hear the grass grow so shutting doors etc doesn’t block out the sound. I asked him today if he could hold off going online on his PS4 until I’ve finished work and he went off on one, saying I’m being controlling. I asked him for a bit of respect but he just went back on his PS4. Am I being unreasonable?? Also, just to add I’m classed as vulnerable so have to shield for 3 months so I cannot even leave the house to go on a walk (to get a bit of head space) which is also driving me mad as I know me working from home will most likely go on for a long time.



On another note (sorry, this will be a long message), I am absolutely sick of his gaming. He is never off it, and I mean never. It’s actually gotten to the point we schedule each night what time he will come upstairs to watch tv with me. He’ll be like “will I come up at 9pm?” which makes it feel more like a chore (him having to spend time with me) as I know he’d rather be on his PS4. I know every couple needs their own space and time to enjoy their own interests/hobbies but we hardly ever spend any time together due to his gaming. Why should my life revolve around him and his gaming?!! He is 30 in August and it’s about time he grows up. I do tell him this and it causes A LOT of arguments. There are times it gets VERY heated and he becomes quite aggressive with name calling etc. His most recent insult is calling me a lazy bitch/cow/ar**hole when I’m the one keeping the house going not just financially but with cleaning etc (I have cleaning OCD which also causes arguments - plus I’m anything but lazy). I am no angel myself and do shout back at him, I can give as good as I get although not every time as I don’t have the energy anymore as nothing is ever resolved (his gaming has wrongly became the new normal). He basically calls me controlling and says “would you rather I was in the pub each night?” - that’s always his comeback. Sometimes I wish he was in the pub as at least there is a closing time!! It feels like he is a child and I’m the adult and it shouldn’t be like this. I also feel like I cannot speak to him about this at times because all his friends can hear what we’re discussing (arguing) about as he has his headset on, and makes out to them that I’m a maniac when quite frankly it’s none of their business. Please tell me there are other women who have men like this? If so, what do/did you do?

I was with a guy like this for 7 years, we bought a house and the spare room was meant to be a dressing room/spare room but ended up as a games room. Including a ugly gaming chair he built himself (a real seat from a car). I felt like I was living on my own. He proposed thinking it was the right think to do.

I broke up with him 6 months later realising I couldn’t live with someone and feel on my own. He wouldn’t go for lunch, to the beach, leave the house as he’d rather play Xbox.

I was meant to get married September last year, instead I spent my first anniversary with my new boyfriend! If he’s being that inconsiderate and you feel he won’t change then you may be better with someone else more understanding. If you can talk it through that’s great but ultimately you have to do what’s best for you (I’m 30 this year too and my ex is the same from what I’ve been told)

 

[BlabberMerchant]

Walking away from my marraige was the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done, it left me hundreds of miles from my family and friends I grew up with and absolutely skint.....but 5 years on i can honestly say that it was the best decision I ever made. Its hard but it gets easier xoxo

 

[Dizzy]

I love this thank you. I have spoken with OH and have called it a day. We are still living in the same house (due to lockdown) but that's it now. Scary times but feel oddly free xxx

Well done. It takes guts to end a relationship that isn’t right and downright bravery to do it in lockdown. All the very best of luck to you

 

[Dogtanian]

Echoing everyone else, get your critical stuff you need (passport, driving licence, birth certificates etc), grab the kids and get out. Now, rather than at the weekend. Get to your parents, tell them exactly what is going on and then get in touch with womens aid.
Please don't stay 'for the sake of the kids' or 'promise I'll change' or any other crap line you'll be spun. Just get yourself out and safe!!

 

[Milliehaha123]

I am in a similar situation so I totally feel all of you. My oh plays games ALL day. (From eyes open to eyes shut) I am wfh and he is literally playing all the time. I keep asking him to stop for a bit so we can spend time together he says “ok” then goes straight back. We have been together 5 years and the last 2 years it’s got worse. We haven’t been intimate in well over a year. He doesn’t speak to or listen to me. I’m so lonely. I keep trying to talk about it and get told I’m moaning or controlling.
I’m soo scared to leave as I cannot afford everything on my own. I am 35 and feel I’m too old to start the dating thing again and just feel generally shit. Sorry to moan on this post but it’s the only place I can as I feel so alone. Xx

this makes me feel sad because you shouldn’t be feeling like this. I know it is cliche but life is really far too short to be stuck with the wrong person or in an unhappy relationship just because of convenience or circumstance - I always wonder how I will feel when I'm much older looking back on my life and am constantly worried that I will have huge regrets and wish I had just acted on something. You really do have the opportunity to change how you are feeling
From another angle too - my sister who is 38 recently got engaged (after being with another partner for a long long time) and we have also just found out she is expecting! Totally unexpected but amazing news. She broke up with her ex when they were 35 and I can honestly say I've never seen her so happy. She didn't want to date either but actually met some amazing people following the split.
You have to do what is right for you, but I always think better to be single and happy than unhappy in a relationship.
xx