I spend hours every day being consistently personable, helpful and friendly. And mentally composing email templates like this;
'Dear ________,
Thank you for your
i. call
ii. email
iii. collaring me in the corridor/car park/zebra crossing on the way to my bus stop in the pissing rain 97 minutes after I should have left for the day/door of a toilet cubicle and ranting at me for five minutes straight
iv. appearing in my office after I have finished my contracted hours to rant at me with no witnesses
v. all of the above because you can't see beyond your own wants and have zero impulse control
I will unfortunately not be able to perform this task because your email suggests that you are:
a. insane
b. a bit dim
c. both *** preselected response as it's always both ***
Your demands are unachievable because these aims would;
1. defy the fundamental structure of the universe,
2. require an ability to manipulate time and space in a manner consistent with being a Living God,
3. get us shut down instantly and on page 5 of the national rags by the following afternoon,
4. are actually incredibly illegal,
5. all of the above
We also suspect that even if we were to suddenly acquire an Infinity Gauntlet, we would still concentrate my efforts more towards the activities that actually ensure everybody has a salary at the end of the month and so that we are not working by candlelight and communicating via a combination of semaphore, yodelling and carrier pigeon.
I would therefore suggest that you
01. go away
02. try asking questions rather than making ridiculous demands that cannot be fulfilled and complaining when they aren't done. We do not mind answering questions and furthering knowledge, it's the ranting demands without comprehension that tend to rankle somewhat.
03. bother somebody else, but not IT, as they have also had it up to ^here^ with your ID-10T errors and PICNIC faults. If your Line Manager is directing you to us, please take this in the way it is intended by them - and leave them alone as well. We will deal with them later for stitching us up.
04. consider a career change into social media influencing where your technical, interpersonal and general communicative style will be put to best use
05. all of the above *** preselected ***
Regards, Dragon.'
In truth, it's not the MORNING DRAGONs that are the problem. They're just dragging me out of my headspace a little earlier than planned into a location where I have to pretend to be a vaguely functioning and not in the slightest bit misanthropic human being for the next 10-14 hours.
. So I would rather not, but sometimes there seems no way out of it. I explained to a same level coworker that I don't shake hands, but when I met my new skip level manager it seemed inappropriate to refuse. So what I've been doing is shaking hands and then head straight to the ladies room to wash my hands. I feel like that's the most diplomatic way to deal with it. Sometimes I'll say "It was nice finally meeting you. I'm just headed to the ladies room, have a great rest of your day!" which implies I was on my way there already before we met.
if you stand far enough away you can sort of half stick out your hand then quickly take it back because you can’t reach them (while smiling politely) then laugh. That generally works for me 
