Am I just being a twat or is my husband being dodgy?

[AngryBird101]

I've been married 21 years, I thought happily. Mostly we trust each other, there's a couple of ups and downs as you'd expect in a long term marriage.

The last couple of days when I've asked for his phone, he's sort of hovered around me as I've used it, not something he usually does.

Today I read a text that he'd sent yesterday morning to some woman I've never heard of. It said something to the effect of that they were both looking for the same thing, and that he knew her partner wasn't happy about her sleeping with other people. Finished with "I just wanted to check you're ok, tell me to duck off if you want x". I can't give you it verbatim as he's deleted it.

I've called him on it, he's said that the thing they were both after was happy marriages, but that doesn't make sense to me given the next part.

In addition, I know he talks to a lot of friends at work, both male and female alike. Normally we discuss them together. I've never heard of this woman, ever. And he's got no explanation for why this is the case.

We've had a massive argument lasting hours today, I've been a mess and it's culminated in him looking right at me, swearing there's nobody/nothing else. Normally I'd trust him 100% but I just don't know. What would other people think in this situation?

Men are well known to hide female friends that they want to sleep with, or are already sleeping with so I think he is up to something, if it’s so innocent then why delete the messages, and like you say it makes no sense and your right to be worried.

I am sorry because I can’t imagine the pain of being cheated on from a man you have been married too for 21 years.

Someone correct me if I’m wrong but I genuinely don’t believe the majority of men have enough self control to not shag other women when they already have a woman, it’s in their DNA, I know so many men that want to shag every woman that they find nice looking, women are not the same at all, I find lots of guys good looking but don’t want to sleep with any of them. If men can get extra sex then the majority of them will take it, I can’t help but think so.

 

[Bgr101]

Sadly unless he wants to make it better there is nothing you can do. I know its not what you want to hear. If he loves you he will fix it
If he doesnt you know where u stand. Know your worth. You deserve so much better.xx

Also do NOT let him make you feel like youre the one in the wrong. YOU ARE NOT.

 

[B192020]

Also do NOT let him make you feel like youre the one in the wrong. YOU ARE NOT.

And if he wants to make it better he has to work on it and be the one to take those steps. Not you.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

OP I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. You've been given fantastic advice here and I don't have anything to add but I am fuming at how he essentially gaslighted you. I hope he is on his knees begging for forgiveness

 

[Yasminecamilla]

And if he wants to make it better he has to work on it and be the one to take those steps. Not you.

Totally agree with this. Where I went wrong is I spent thousands on it, holidays, meals out etc, trying to make him happy. He didn’t make any effort so it didn’t work. I really wish I had the strength to walk away, even if it wasn’t permanently I wish I’d made him have some taken away from us so I could decide if I could get over it and take him back ONCE he had worked on himself xx

 

[TheWitchIsBack]

Well, it got worse. Just when I was thinking and apologising for being an idiot over the first text message, I found an absolute bunch of screen shots from snapchat on his phone. Talking to some woman I'd never heard of about both of their intimate parts and what they'd like to do. Then him literally getting into an argument with someone this woman knows and saying how much she means to him and what he could do to her. I am beyond hurt. I want to be with him because I honestly do love him and it's 21 years and 3 kids but how can I move on from this.

My biggest advice is don’t make any rash decisions or do anything when you’re at the height of emotion. Take your time and try and handle your emotions as they hit you. A long-term partner cheating on you like this can feel like a bloody bereavement so be kind to yourself while you work through this.

There are things that will just infuriate you when you look back and the lying directly to your face and the gaslighting will feel worse than the cheating. Breaking your trust so deeply is something that you might never get over and it’s heartbreaking, it really is. I’d encourage you to confide in someone you fully trust who will have your back and help you talk through things and see logic where it might be difficult for you to do so.

I honestly wish I could give you a massive hug because that gaslighting, cheating bleep is a disgrace for doing this to you and nobody deserves having their spirit and self esteem broken by someone like that. You are honestly so much better than this and do not let it break you down, keep your head held high and on the days you feel like tit try and channel your inner witch. Xx

 

[B192020]

Totally agree with this. Where I went wrong is I spent thousands on it, holidays, meals out etc, trying to make him happy. He didn’t make any effort so it didn’t work. I really wish I had the strength to walk away, even if it wasn’t permanently I wish I’d made him have some taken away from us so I could decide if I could get over it and take him back ONCE he had worked on himself xx

Absolutely. I did exactly the same myself and it is heart breaking to scrabble to save something that we know is not worth of us.

 

[DevaVictrix]

Sadly from experience I’d say you’ve discovered your husband is up to no good. It is the worst feeling. Reluctance to let you see their mobile phone is the big red flag to me.

 

[Everdene]

I'm very sorry your husband is doing this.

People can make mistakes and can regret them after and never repeat their mistake. It's up to you if you can accept and forgive that.
But he is extremely secretive, gets angry and let's YOU apologise... knowing full well what he is doing with multiple(?!) women. Even if he apologises now I think he's only sorry he got caught.

They say people cheat because they feel like they're missing/wanting something they can't get from their spouse. Please don't let it affect you if he accuses you of things to be the reason of him cheating. He's got no right of that anymore. He chose to do this instead of working on the relationship.

I wish you a lot of strength in the time ahead.

 

[Sparks]

You deserve better! And if this is the life he chooses there is nothing you can do. You can't make him want to be with you. But you also don't deserve to be his safe space where he can always crawl back to. I would ask him to leave. And if you can get over it maybe he can start dating you again and really prove how serious he is.

I am bad about holding a grudge and I burn bridges if my feelings have been hurt. So I am not sure if I could get over this. Plus I don't know if I could ever trust him again. It may take some time but you will be happy again with our without him.

 

[Jelly Bean]

No - there is no way I could get over it easily. I'd be so hurt and suspicious. But wierdly I do know a couple this happened to, but it was the wife sexting another man. Very explicit stuff about his 'big hard c*ck' (sorry if you are eating). She told me this a few years after it all happened. Her husband found the messages and was completely devastated and furious. It took a long time but they got over it and seem very happy now. She didn't really know why she had even done it, just got carried away and nothing had ever happened between them. They have three children too.

 

[Greencatfysh]

The hardest step is breaking it off, speaking from experience. It’s cheesy but the only way really is up after that and you will always be happier. I was the same but there’s no point wishing you’d done it earlier, you’ll wish your life away - but now is the time! Think of the fun (and yes, you will have it) you’ll have once you’re rid of someone who clearly doesn’t respect you

 

[Say What]

I've been married 21 years, I thought happily. Mostly we trust each other, there's a couple of ups and downs as you'd expect in a long term marriage.

The last couple of days when I've asked for his phone, he's sort of hovered around me as I've used it, not something he usually does.

Today I read a text that he'd sent yesterday morning to some woman I've never heard of. It said something to the effect of that they were both looking for the same thing, and that he knew her partner wasn't happy about her sleeping with other people. Finished with "I just wanted to check you're ok, tell me to duck off if you want x". I can't give you it verbatim as he's deleted it.

I've called him on it, he's said that the thing they were both after was happy marriages, but that doesn't make sense to me given the next part.

In addition, I know he talks to a lot of friends at work, both male and female alike. Normally we discuss them together. I've never heard of this woman, ever. And he's got no explanation for why this is the case.

We've had a massive argument lasting hours today, I've been a mess and it's culminated in him looking right at me, swearing there's nobody/nothing else. Normally I'd trust him 100% but I just don't know. What would other people think in this situation?

I feel for you so much because this is a horrific experience but there are clearly issues that need addressing if he’s having conversations like that with another woman you don’t know. Also you checking his phone implies that you are aware of trust issues. I’m not saying your husband has cheated on you because honestly you haven’t given any evidence of that but there is definitely problems that need to be sorted. If you both want to be married then you’d both be saying you want to work at fixing things. I hope it works out for you

Well, it got worse. Just when I was thinking and apologising for being an idiot over the first text message, I found an absolute bunch of screen shots from snapchat on his phone. Talking to some woman I'd never heard of about both of their intimate parts and what they'd like to do. Then him literally getting into an argument with someone this woman knows and saying how much she means to him and what he could do to her. I am beyond hurt. I want to be with him because I honestly do love him and it's 21 years and 3 kids but how can I move on from this.

Ok so in my first post I hadn’t seen this- please excuse I am new to Tattle.....but wow your husband is an hole! Seriously it sounds like you deserve way better. You’d think after 20 odd years and 3 children, he’d know who he wants to be with! I think you should take control and show him who’s boss!

 

[Raininvain]

Obviously its very upsetting but you need to tell him to duck off for good. Never mind counselling and all that, you are never going to be able trust him again are you?

 

[Orange Creme]

Is he sorry?

 

[GossBoss]

So a few years ago my friend was getting friendly with a bloke she got talking to at an evening class. She was single + he was married. It was clear he wasn't entirely happy but had been married a long time with 3 kids. My friend wasn't really interested in him but they got on well. They went out for a drink after class one evening + had a good laugh. He spoke about his wife a lot. Not in a bad way/not in a good way but mentioned her alot. Then they started texting. Then they started sexting. It progressed to him going to her house for the evening ... Drinks & nibbles. No funny business but they did flirt a lot. He occasionally popped round for a cuppa + left her small gifts on her doorstep (nothing flash) One night it got much more cosy + while he didn't sleep with her it was definitely more than *friends*. Couple days later he text saying he was sorry, he didn't want an affair () he was out of his depth bla bla bla. She basically said she didn't want to lose his friendship but he needed to take a long hard look at the reasons that bought him to her door. He did. He went off + made an effort at home + only contacted my mate now + again, just chat, nothing dodgy. 5 years on, he's back texting etc + getting fruity etc. Moral of the story is, a leopard will never change his spots

 

[Bgr101]

This girl has gone quiet...hope youre ok

 

[Mums84]

Awww this sucks. I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopathic man bleep and when he wasnt cheating on me he was cheating with me. Some humans just cant be faithful. He got married to some girl and was still texting me leading up to the wedding, I've not a doubt he has been unfaithful in that marriage for its entire duration and always will be as that's just how some people are made.
So my first thought on reading this was that maybe this is the one time this man has been caught out, there were probably times before in over 2 decades. Life is too short to allow someone to treat you that way lady who posted this. You need to cry, scream and mourn but he was the one who destroyed your marriage so it is gone. Lean on on your friends and family and ask him to leave x

 

[Blue_sky]

I am going through the exact same thing, my husband admitted he had been cheating on me with a friend of ours for a number of months a few days ago. We haven’t even made it to our second anniversary.... I am heartbroken by the betrayal and the way he has been treating me. Feeling robbed of the chance to work on our marriage I offered him an olive branch to try - he didn’t take it so in my heart I know we are done - and maybe that is for the best.
Reading the posts on this thread I know I should always follow my gut - I knew he was cheating but I didn’t want to believe it because I love him and I thought he was better than that.

 

[Bellaboo83]

I am going through the exact same thing, my husband admitted he had been cheating on me with a friend of ours for a number of months a few days ago. We haven’t even made it to our second anniversary.... I am heartbroken by the betrayal and the way he has been treating me. Feeling robbed of the chance to work on our marriage I offered him an olive branch to try - he didn’t take it so in my heart I know we are done - and maybe that is for the best.
Reading the posts on this thread I know I should always follow my gut - I knew he was cheating but I didn’t want to believe it because I love him and I thought he was better than that.

Sending my love, there are a few of us freshly heartbroken on tattle at the moment, welcome to the club that no one wants to be in . Are you still living together or has he left?