I'm with ya Betty, zero interest in getting married personally for this exact reason
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The whole hen and wedding drama these days puts me off ever getting married. They need to remember it’s their wedding and stop putting so much pressure on others to do things that are over the top.
It’s pretty normal to have to pay as a bridesmaid these days though. I’ve had to pay for my bridesmaid dress, shoes, bag, hair and make up.
It’s pretty normal to have to pay as a bridesmaid these days though. I’ve had to pay for my bridesmaid dress, shoes, bag, hair and make up.
Well I am married and my wedding day was the best day of my life - but it was a completely stripped back, relaxed day. I despise the whole carbon copy cookie cutter wedding with a passion - it’s so tired and so cliché. We had none of that pointless tit, I didn’t have any kind of hen party because frankly I didn’t see the point and would never have expected any of my friends to give up their time or money like that and then expect them to come to the wedding. The whole notion of it just baffles me!!!!I'm with ya Betty, zero interest in getting married personally for this exact reason
Sadly travel abroad is so much more expensive than it was pre-pandemic. I’m not sure travel costs to Ibiza (flights, transfers) would be much cheaper than £250.
It seems your main issue is not wanting to spend that sort of money on your friend’s hen party, particularly when you don’t know the others going so may not enjoy it. That’s a valid reason and you’re entitled to it but I’m guessing you’re feeling guilty because you can afford it and others have said they’re happy to pay. Obviously if you couldn’t afford it, it would be a much easier conversation to have.
For me it would depend on how good a friend it was. I’ve paid similar for 2 nights in Scotland to attend a wedding in the middle of nowhere - taxi, flights, hire car, fuel, hotel (no choice in where we could stay) and food and drinks at the hotel for 2 people etc. Her hen do was just a day and night out, but sadly the wedding and hen was my holiday that year as I couldn’t have afforded to attend and go away. I chose my friend, but she is a great friend of many years who was worth it.
You’re allowed a choice! Sadly weddings are very emotive and friendships can be ended over them. Brides and grooms can forget how expensive it is to be a guest at the wedding when they’re looking at the money draining out of their account.
My only suggestion would be a compromise - perhaps look into the costs of flying out for the Saturday and going home on the Sunday night?
It seems your main issue is not wanting to spend that sort of money on your friend’s hen party, particularly when you don’t know the others going so may not enjoy it. That’s a valid reason and you’re entitled to it but I’m guessing you’re feeling guilty because you can afford it and others have said they’re happy to pay. Obviously if you couldn’t afford it, it would be a much easier conversation to have.
For me it would depend on how good a friend it was. I’ve paid similar for 2 nights in Scotland to attend a wedding in the middle of nowhere - taxi, flights, hire car, fuel, hotel (no choice in where we could stay) and food and drinks at the hotel for 2 people etc. Her hen do was just a day and night out, but sadly the wedding and hen was my holiday that year as I couldn’t have afforded to attend and go away. I chose my friend, but she is a great friend of many years who was worth it.
You’re allowed a choice! Sadly weddings are very emotive and friendships can be ended over them. Brides and grooms can forget how expensive it is to be a guest at the wedding when they’re looking at the money draining out of their account.
My only suggestion would be a compromise - perhaps look into the costs of flying out for the Saturday and going home on the Sunday night?
I've suggested this, doesn't seem very popular
I honestly can't believe the reaction is I'm the unreasonable one for not saying in February that I couldn't afford the prices they're proposing (when we hadn't even looked at flight prices, the majority bar me didn't even book flights until the start of May and accommodation choices weren't even discussed until the 30th June with a deadline of booking by the end of July?!?!)I honestly thought she would be like "ooh now you mention it that is a lot to spend" but no
£1000+ is absolutely wild for a hen! Idk what relationship you have with this person but I would be really straight with them about how much the actual wedding itself is going to cost you, let alone a 1k hen as well! This woman sounds like she’s gone raging bridezilla 
So in February nothing was mentioned about where you’d be going and for how long? Where you’d stay etc. It was just ‘I’m having a hen do can you all come?’I've suggested this, doesn't seem very popular
I honestly thought she would be like "ooh now you mention it that is a lot to spend" but no
I thought the point is that you can afford it - you just think it’s money down the drain because you’ll have a tit time so you’d rather spend the money on something you actually want to do.
You clearly don’t want to go so rather than prolong the agony, you should just bow out. May also be worth being clear now that you won’t be a bridesmaid either or that’s storing up more trouble for next year!
I do think the bride and groom should pay for bridesmaid dresses - especially because you normally have to wear something you have no choice in that you won’t ever wear again.
Couldn't afford it in the sense that I've never spent £1000 on any holiday even with my partner/parents/closest friends and I think it's mad money to spend. I would love to go on her hen do if it was a 3 day trip, couple of hundred pounds, minimal annual leave required but it's not.
To reiterate I could probably just about scrape the money together but it would take money away from things like paying my heating in winter, paying a deposit for a car as mine is up soon etc. etc.
if it was MY friends, not hers who I was going on such an expensive holiday with, then yeah maybe that would make me feel happier parting with such a large amount (though I still would probably prefer not to)
I'm not saying I've got gold bars in the safe but I'm just not feeling it if that's how you've interpreted it just the whole thing seems so wasteful when we could probably go elsewhere for a third of the price and have an equally good time.
That's exactly what was mentioned in Feb, Ibiza wasn't even fully decided on until mid April I think, loads of dates other than October were bandied about too.
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Just be honest with her and if she doesn’t understand then she’s not a real friend I’m afraid to say
Stop trying to justify it. You don’t have to. Just post the message in the group chat saying you aren’t able to make it and then leave the group chat. Job done. Do it today and then draw a line under it and forget about it,
That's a ridiculous amount of money and time she's expecting you to give up! Just say you can't go due to the cost and annual leave. Ibiza is expensive. Whatever happened to cocktails and a meal for a hen do, honestly 
If she falls out with you over it then she wasn't a real friend in the first place.
If she falls out with you over it then she wasn't a real friend in the first place.I'm a worrier
It doesn't sound like she's worrying about how you feel.I'm a worrier
What are you worried about? Don’t let it become a drama - decline the invitation, and that’s the end of it. Seriously, it really isn’t that big of a deal.I'm a worrier
Just say it wasn’t fully costed up when you agreed and that you can’t afford it now. If she tries to argue back with that then this woman is not your friend. If someone tells you they can’t afford something that’s not up for debate IMO.I'm a worrier
As a general matter you aren't being unreasonable but if others have had flights booked since May then it is unreasonable to expect that it might be cut down in terms of time. To an extent you should probably have anticipated that a 5 night trip away like that is going to be upwards of £1k and started managing expectations earlier. Likewise, being cagey from the outset until you have an idea of costs is always a good idea.The WhatsApp chat has indeed been going since Feb but flights were only booked start of May, and potential accommodation options were only circulated from 30th June onwards so I personally don't feel her argument that I should have spoken up months ago holds much weight.
They are still hellbent on getting this villa
I think now as one of the other posters suggested you need to contact the bride and organising hen directly and say that unfortunately the cost is just too much for you. Make an offer to the bride of a substitute plan - afternoon bbq or afternoon tea/evening out as a way of making it up to her.
I was a bridesmaid years ago when my son was small and I said nope to the away hen and if anyone was talking about me, I didn’t care. I was the single parent of a toddler, had never left him more than 1 night and didn’t want to and just could not justify spending that amount of money. If a friend can’t understand that then they’re not much of a friend. I feel everything is done for the ‘gram these days with trips abroad and themes that require you to buy something in a specific colour you wouldn’t otherwise wear, a fancy dress costume and a tshirt saying hen you’ll never wear again. Years ago here you used to go on a pub crawl and bang pots and pans
This is perfect because it’s true, you agreed to attend a hen do, not to a 5 day holiday abroad. Perhaps you could have said something when flights were being booked as the price will now be going up for everyone else, but you never agreed to go to Ibiza so you have nothing to feel bad about.
Sorry to the OP as I misinterpreted your posts, you clearly meant you could get the money together if you had to rather than you had it but didn’t want to spend it.
There was another thread a while back about nightmare hen weekends that might give you some light relief when you’ve given them the news. Some really wild and funny stories!
The only thing they will be annoyed at is they will need to pay more for the accom or change where they had planned to stay due to one less person. They will get over you not coming because you can't afford it.
oh totally agree, tbh I didn't pay as much attention as I should have in the beginning as there were hundreds of messages on the chat every day and hard to keep up with it.
I know it's unreasonable to ask them to change the days now, but with hindsight I think to ask someone to go away for that length of time is a bit much especially when it's essentially 5 strangers not people who already know each other.