Am I being unreasonable?

[Clarity456]

Ok here's the situation.

One of my oldest friends is getting married in May 23. She has decided she wants to go to Ibiza for her hen do in October, she has for some reason decided to go for 5 nights (more on this later), the minimum costs are looking minimum £1000 per person for 5 days to do all the stuff she wants to do (more like £1300). There's a group of 3 childhood friends of the bride, the bride, me who doesn't know anyone but the bride and another girl who doesn't know anyone but the bride.

Is it just me or is £1000 way too much to ask someone to spend for a hen do? I'm not familiar with Ibiza pricing and whilst I fully expected (and was happy) to spend £300-£500, I think of all the other stuff I could do with £1000 and wanna cry at the thought of throwing all that money down the drain, particularly as it's spending almost a week with randomers who I may not even get on with.

I feel this could have been done so much cheaper if, instead of going Saturday - Thursday, staying in this huge luxury villa, and the expectation being we go out every night, we went Sat - Tuesday, got hotel rooms and had 1 big night and 1 big day at ocean Beach or somewhere.

its also so annoying I'm having to take 4 whole days of annual leave to spend with people I don't know from Adam.

I broached this subject with my friend and her response wasn't really positive or understanding!

 

[Be More Pacific]

You are not being unreasonable at all. It’s completely ridiculous. I hate this entire hen/stag holiday nonsense - unless the bride is going to pay for everyone to go on this holiday she can shove it!!!

Completely agree. Social media has a lot to answer for! Because that's all it will be - showing off for the 'gram. Look at me being a cunt in Ibiza. Woohoo

Bride Tribe? How about FUCK OFF?!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Ok here's the situation.

One of my oldest friends is getting married in May 23. She has decided she wants to go to Ibiza for her hen do in October, she has for some reason decided to go for 5 nights (more on this later), the minimum costs are looking minimum £1000 per person for 5 days to do all the stuff she wants to do (more like £1300). There's a group of 3 childhood friends of the bride, the bride, me who doesn't know anyone but the bride and another girl who doesn't know anyone but the bride.

Is it just me or is £1000 way too much to ask someone to spend for a hen do? I'm not familiar with Ibiza pricing and whilst I fully expected (and was happy) to spend £300-£500, I think of all the other stuff I could do with £1000 and wanna cry at the thought of throwing all that money down the drain, particularly as it's spending almost a week with randomers who I may not even get on with.

I feel this could have been done so much cheaper if, instead of going Saturday - Thursday, staying in this huge luxury villa, and the expectation being we go out every night, we went Sat - Tuesday, got hotel rooms and had 1 big night and 1 big day at ocean Beach or somewhere.

its also so annoying I'm having to take 4 whole days of annual leave to spend with people I don't know from Adam.

I broached this subject with my friend and her response wasn't really positive or understanding!

You are not being unreasonable at all. It’s completely ridiculous. I hate this entire hen/stag holiday nonsense - unless the bride is going to pay for everyone to go on this holiday she can shove it!!!

 

[Clarity456]

@Clarity456 - any update for us this morning?! What's the latest?

Yes I've told them, I was immediately removed from the group and the bride set upon me to inform me that "Your comments are so passive. Like just be honest and accept a bit of responsibility instead of flipping the situation. it’s really frustrating. We are all in our 30s now."

Safe to say I'm considering the friendship. I think the bride has been spoiled as a child and so when someone doesn't do as she wants she responds with anger, and tries to make all these "logical arguments" none of which make sense cos she's just clutching at straws to cover up the real reason she's mad.

 

[Gossipgirl79]

I approached my friend to tell her that as she's the one I know, so rather than deal with it, she told me to post it in the group chat, one of the random has replied saying yeah it is gonna be £1000 minimum I'm happy with that and my friend has now replied to me directly basically ripping me a new one, as the group chat has been "going since February" even though accommodation/prices have only been spoken about since the 30th June.

If she was really a good friend, she wouldn’t be giving you a hard time. I’m MOH in December…the bride is the “last” in our friendship group to get married and has enthusiastically supported the rest of us on hens/bridesmaid at weddings etc. I feel rotten she isn’t getting the “away” henny she would have liked due to the rest of us…money, pregnancies etc. But she’s not bothered. Says all that matters is we’re together at her wedding and everyone enjoys the day…that’s a true friend.

 

[Megansnarkle]

"Thanks, look, I don't want to mess anyone around here nor do I want to put a dampener on the hen do by not being able to partake fully, so I think it's best I pull out entirely. I hope you guys have the best time though and I can't wait to see the photos on social media and hear all about it at the wedding. [Bride], let's discuss maybe [afternoon tea/spa] just you and me as a pre-wedding treat instead".

Done.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I approached my friend to tell her that as she's the one I know, so rather than deal with it, she told me to post it in the group chat, one of the random has replied saying yeah it is gonna be £1000 minimum I'm happy with that and my friend has now replied to me directly basically ripping me a new one, as the group chat has been "going since February" even though accommodation/prices have only been spoken about since the 30th June.

Just bow out. Post in the group chat that you can’t get the time off work and have already got holiday commitments with your own partner/family and you can’t manage to do everything. That’s all you need to say - you don’t have to justify it or engage in this back and forth chat with the bride. You won’t be the only one who feels this way!!!

 

[CoffeeMamma]

We’re in the biggest financial crisis in our history and your friend thinks that’s okay?! What? Nooooo you’re not unreasonable but she might be! Plus what if there’s still all these delays and you wind up out there for a fortnight, who foots the bill?
Anyway, “no” is a complete sentence in itself but if you feel the need to give a reason I agree with the above about financial viability. Also add you’re excited to attend any events closer to home (showers/home hens).

 

[Clarity456]

update, they now think it's £1750 all in I thought we were a bunch of dental hygienists, recruitment consultants, data protection managers etc, not the Man City wags

 

[CheesyMarmite]

update, they now think it's £1750 all in I thought we were a bunch of dental hygienists, recruitment consultants, data protection managers etc, not the Man City wags

Next message on there should be 'Clarity456' left group chat

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Omg no, thats way too much! I'd be mortified expecting people to pay that much. I felt bad with my hens spending £200 - even if someone can easily afford it, thats a huge expectation. Thats not a hen do - thats a full on holiday.

 

[Blair-Waldorf]

Me too I love these kinds of threads because I just know the voice of reason will be within @BettyCrockerr

 

[Upintheair83]

I wish I had your mentality, the no nonsense approach!

im more like the OP! Your friend is a cheeky cow

You know what this is abit off topic but @BettyCrockerr actually has had a massive influence impact on me in real life. I posted something once, something quite sensitive and I actually took on board something she said. I'm usually the opposite of good old Betty- I'm not really no nonsense and I'm very underconfident and I don't like confrontation. I'm just naturally like that. But since having my son I sort of knew I had to change in some aspects. I know on here we cant and don't always want to disclose too much and sometimes the advice jsnt always tailored for everyone as sometimes dynamics in relationships are hard to convey. But something she said has literally changed me ( for the better) I mean this honestly. And iv actually used my voice alot more and learnt to say no to people in real life. So if you read this @BettyCrockerr - thanks. You gave me that confidence.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Say your piece, apologies and leave it at that. You don’t need to get into the ins and outs of ‘you’ve had months..’. The price has changed things and that’s that.

Completely agree. You aren’t prepared to go, your reasons are valid, and that’s the end of it. You don’t have to justify it. Plus, you’ve also got to think of the money/time you’ll spend on the actual wedding day itself because attending a wedding isn’t a cheap day/night out either!!!

And THIS is exactly why I loathe this entire hen/stag holiday circus that has evolved over the last 15 years or so.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

So in February nothing was mentioned about where you’d be going and for how long? Where you’d stay etc. It was just ‘I’m having a hen do can you all come?’

I thought the point is that you can afford it - you just think it’s money down the drain because you’ll have a shit time so you’d rather spend the money on something you actually want to do.

You clearly don’t want to go so rather than prolong the agony, you should just bow out. May also be worth being clear now that you won’t be a bridesmaid either or that’s storing up more trouble for next year!

I do think the bride and groom should pay for bridesmaid dresses - especially because you normally have to wear something you have no choice in that you won’t ever wear again.

Stop trying to justify it. You don’t have to. Just post the message in the group chat saying you aren’t able to make it and then leave the group chat. Job done. Do it today and then draw a line under it and forget about it,

 

[Clarity456]

Has there been anymore said in the Whatsapp group?

I got kicked out immediately after I said I couldn't afford it so dunno about the WhatsApp group, my friend however went apeshit in a direct message after I confirmed I couldn't go, then came late last night and said as they have reduced £250 off the accommodation so would I reconsider coming the answers obviously no but I haven't replied yet it's fucking draining just wanna be left alone.

 

[youdontevenknowme]

Won’t Ibiza be dead in October? I thought the closing parties were in September? Also 5 days is way too long. You’ll be sick of the sight of these people and fed up of drinking after 3 days without a doubt. It might not be too warm there in October either. Would not be my first choice if I was the bride!

 

[candyland_]

There’s always going to be people you don’t know at hen dos but £1000 is way too much. I’m guessing that won’t be the final cost either.. Add in spending money, money for whatever else they organise etc.

I’ve declined similar invitations with a simple ‘I can’t make it..’ and just tell them to have an amazing time.

You won’t be the only one who isn’t keen.

 

[Gossipgirl79]

Ok here's the situation.

One of my oldest friends is getting married in May 23. She has decided she wants to go to Ibiza for her hen do in October, she has for some reason decided to go for 5 nights (more on this later), the minimum costs are looking minimum £1000 per person for 5 days to do all the stuff she wants to do (more like £1300). There's a group of 3 childhood friends of the bride, the bride, me who doesn't know anyone but the bride and another girl who doesn't know anyone but the bride.

Is it just me or is £1000 way too much to ask someone to spend for a hen do? I'm not familiar with Ibiza pricing and whilst I fully expected (and was happy) to spend £300-£500, I think of all the other stuff I could do with £1000 and wanna cry at the thought of throwing all that money down the drain, particularly as it's spending almost a week with randomers who I may not even get on with.

I feel this could have been done so much cheaper if, instead of going Saturday - Thursday, staying in this huge luxury villa, and the expectation being we go out every night, we went Sat - Tuesday, got hotel rooms and had 1 big night and 1 big day at ocean Beach or somewhere.

its also so annoying I'm having to take 4 whole days of annual leave to spend with people I don't know from Adam.

I broached this subject with my friend and her response wasn't really positive or understanding!

Not unreasonable at all. That’s a lot of money for a hen do. I spend my twenties giving time and money to over the top hen do’s like that so when it was mine, I just did a home hen. Didn’t want to ask people to give up their time and money, but that’s just me.
Trying to say no more is something I’m working on too, without needing to give a justification. You’re perfectly within your right to say something like “That sounds amazing, and I hope you have a great time. It’s just not financially viable for me at the moment. Happy to celebrate at a home hen too.”

 

[Ingognito.Queen]

It's completely unreasonable and to be quite honest it's selfish to expect that of people. Most people wouldn't spend that on their summer holiday!

I don't understand your concern with you only knowing the bride or other people only knowing the bride and not others - that's the norm at most hens.

I would make your feelings known now - October won't be long coming!