Am I being ghosted? (New relationship)

[Sweetcorn]

unfortunately I think the OP will just allow herself to believe whatever poor excuse this guy comes out with and this cycle will just go
On & on....

Wow. I’m engaging in the conversation and agreeing with you all! You don’t have to be so rude.

 

[Sweetcorn]

Hey tattlers, thanks again for all your well wishes!

I decided to go with number three so I haven’t contacted him and removed him. Thought the best way was to just play cool and look completely unbothered so that’s what I’ve done. I’m okay, I’m not going to cry over him, it’s so not worth it. More than anything it just makes you feel so embarrassed because like I’ve already said, now I need to explain to my family and friends, when I just told them about him

At this point I’m just frustrated in general with men and dating. I hate to generalise but from this thread it appears so many men act this way (or worse) and I’m just left wondering how many more times will I be screwed over? Part of me wants to give up with dating apps but then I’d have no way of meeting guys, even more so now with covid, but even if covid wasn’t a factor it would still be hard for me to meet guys (I also work in a very female dominated environment). I’m kinda losing hope that guys won’t always be assholes.

As well guys are just so hard to read and they change their minds in the blink of an eye. Like in this instance, I think he just got spooked by how intense things were getting and maybe thought he wanted something more casual instead, which is mega frustrating because HE was the one to make it so intense. I imagine this happens with many guys, they are all in then suddenly get cold feet but.. why? Don’t go in so intense if it’s going to freak you out! Haha it’s really not that hard.

Should we as women be more assertive about what we expect? But then I feel like most guys would think you were a bit ‘crazy’ (yep their favourite word) and back off straight away. But then you think we’ll that guy really wasn’t worth the time then but ughhh they are just impossible

But yeah maybe we should get a dating advice thread? Where we can share stories and advice (If there isn’t already one?) because it appears so many of us go through this stuff and I really enjoyed this girl chat with you all

 

[LaurieLaurie]

It actually sounds like love bombing and alarm bells are ringing. I hate to be harsh but he sounded full of shit from the word go.

 

[yankydoo]

Hey. I have dated solidly for two years and my gut reaction tells me he is having second thoughts. He has either changed his mind on his own accord or met someone else.

I would call him or if you can't face doing that, send him a message and say you have noticed he has been quiet, feel something has changed and ask him to be honest with you about his feelings.

Maybe some other people will think you should give him time or some space but given how keen he was and the sudden U-turn, I think you should just ask him. I find the not knowing is the worst. Even if the answer is not what you want to hear, at least you have an answer and can process and move on.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Edited to add that our gut reaction/6th sense is often spot on. I have held off saying things to men for the fear of coming crazy or seeming too keen. But I've been right most of the time and regretted not saying anything sooner.

 

[Hbirdette]

If only this guy knew he had an army of tattlers who hate him too

 

[SassyRiv77]

I also wanted to add I worked in a pub Years ago and a guy in there chased me for weeks, I wasn’t interested in dating at all but he was super persistent. Eventually I was flattered and gave in and he took me for a lovely meal and pursued me with real talk of a future. The week of our 3rd date his messages became almost non existent and he cancelled saying he had a “cold”. I text back asking if that was an excuse and he sent me a horrible text about me being a clingy possessive freak and how dare I accuse him of lying. The night we were meant to go for our date I was out with friends consoling myself and he walked in hand in hand with another girl. Said it all.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Yeah they absolutely do use it as a weapon. I mean he never has or anything but I’ve seen it happen so many times.

Yeah I think if anything, he’s maybe been overthinking it all a bit too much and scared himself. Which is annoying because he was the one being more full on that me? . But I do know he genuinely had the report to do, he mentioned it a few weeks ago, and that it was a big stress for him.

Thanks for the thoughtful response X

You only know what he’s been telling you.
This guy has been in your life for 8 weeks. I’ve got stuff in my fridge that’s been there longer!!!!!!
You don’t know him. You only know what he has allowed you to know. It’s actually scary the way you are defending him/justifying his weird behaviour.
This is only going to go one way - he’s going to carry on behaving like a prick - reeling you in with bullshit excuses and then ignoring you when he can’t be arsed/has another woman on the go. Hes 25! He’s not thinking about “your future” or anything of the sort. Come on a you know deep down that this is off, otherwise you wouldn’t even have posted on here looking for advice. Your gut is telling you that something isn’t right here; listen to it.

 

[BettyCrocker]

I think he’s playing you.

the comment about how he “feels bad” for things he’s doing that you don’t know about coupled with the comment about dating apps..... he’s still On dating apps and is likely chatting to other women.

It all just seems like way too much too
Soon - you’ve known him for 8 WEEKS!!! It’s just too much. You don’t actually know each other. I’m sorry but it’s been a few weeks Of shagging and the early stages of dating where it’s all very intense and like a whirlwind but it’s not a relationship.

it sounds like someone else has caught his eye and he’s probably been chasing after her.

I’m not trying to be cruel; I just think it’s a shame that you are sitting here so over invested in some guy who’s acting like a complete tool.

 

[theghosttown]

If you want to feel even more depressed about these fuck boy men, they don’t grow out of it. My mum is 62 and is going through this exact same thing right now. The bloke is 65 for fuck sake.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I think you’ll probably find that you don’t actually like him that much, you just like the way he treated you.

You’ve text him once, leave it at that. No response is a response.

 

[Whaaaaat]

In my experience the guys that are overly affectionate and emotional from early on are faking it.

It’s just not genuine. They’re either psychos or players.

 

[Beebee3]

Oh love that’s horrid to go through.
Personally the best advice I’ve been given and one I tell my daughter often is - if you don’t like the way they are treating you, why wait for their decision? Set a boundary.
It’s perfectly acceptable for you to message or call him and tell him that his behaviour has made you feel bad. And it’s perfectly acceptable to ask him to be honest with you.
But personally, I’d send a message to say that as you haven’t heard from him you’ll leave him be and that if there’s a genuine reason for the lack of contact then you’d love to hear from him in the future. Wish him well and move on.
It takes 5 seconds to send a text. However busy he is.
I’m so sorry - I hope everything works out for you x

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I had something similar happen many years ago. Was seeing a guy - all very intense, we would text literally all day every day, spoke on the phone every night, met up as often as we could (we were 18/19, lived in different towns and this is way before iPhones & social media!!!) I made arrangements to move to his town for college - he was over the moon, lots of plans were made etc. I moved and literally didn’t hear from him for about a week despite my texts/calls - I thought he was dead! Then I got drunk one night and sent him a big emotional text telling him I loved him etc and all the rest of it and his response was absolutely horrible! I can still remember one line “fuck off - you are not my fucking girlfriend- I don’t have to explain myself to you- don’t ever contact me again”

I was heartbroken. I came completely out of left field. Turned out he had an actual girlfriend in town and he had been somehow playing me along the whole time..... lying little bastard.

I’ve never understood how people have the guts to live a double life. One of my mum’s friends was with a man for almost seven years. He worked away in the week, but they did live together and he came home most weekends. Sometimes though he would say he had to stay on for longer. She was always going on about how they had plans to get married and have children, but that he hadn’t proposed yet.
Eventually one day she got a weird phone call asking if she was “Claire wood”(fake name), she confirmed she was and they asked did she have a partner called “ste Holmes” (fake name) she confirmed she did, but got worried at this point as she thought he had been in an accident, but the line went dead... her partner was away at this point “working” and she couldn’t get hold of him, she rang him and text him for days with no response.

Eventually she rang the number that rang her and this woman answered and explained that she was his wife, she had been his wife for 15 years! My mum’s friend didn’t hear from her “partner” again, he didn’t even collect his things...it was awful.

 

[Lhm87]

If a man wants to see or speak to a woman, they will. No matter how busy or stressed they are. Do not take their excuses. When they show you who they are, believe them. Women need to stop making excuses for men’s shitty behaviour. He is ghosting you. That or he has been carted off to hospital and doesn’t have his phone (unlikely but possible!)

Sounds like he liked you initially but then started to change his mind. I’ve dated for a good year (pre covid) and noticed the 8-10 week mark was when one of us started to drift/lose interest. There is nothing wrong with that. I just hate the cowardly way some people behave when they realise they’re not interest. Adults should be able to have adult convos Personally I think he was far too OTT from the beginning and was love bombing you to get you where he wanted you. Men are not stupid. He was waving red flags so don’t ignore them. I’d call him once, if no answer send one final message saying you’re done and then move on. He is not worth your energy. If a man wants you, they’ll make sure they’re available.

 

[Tree_]

Message him. Tell him he can keep your stuff for his creepy memory box and tell him you don't want to see him again as his dick was too small and block him.

 

[Laur91]

Wow. I’m engaging in the conversation and agreeing with you all! You don’t have to be so rude.

I think it just seems a little like whenever anyone offers an opinion that goes against him you jump to his defence thats mahbe why some of the responses have seemed ‘rude’ - they’re not really rude. They’re just not what you want to hear.

i don’t think the situation is as complicated as you’re making it out to be. There’a one phrase you need to remember: ‘if he wanted to, he would.’

Unless he’s been struck down and is incapacitated in some way, shape or form then he simply just doesn’t want to reply otherwise he would. It’s as simple as that really.

 

[BettyCrocker]

I also wanted to add I worked in a pub Years ago and a guy in there chased me for weeks, I wasn’t interested in dating at all but he was super persistent. Eventually I was flattered and gave in and he took me for a lovely meal and pursued me with real talk of a future. The week of our 3rd date his messages became almost non existent and he cancelled saying he had a “cold”. I text back asking if that was an excuse and he sent me a horrible text about me being a clingy possessive freak and how dare I accuse him of lying. The night we were meant to go for our date I was out with friends consoling myself and he walked in hand in hand with another girl. Said it all.

I had something similar happen many years ago. Was seeing a guy - all very intense, we would text literally all day every day, spoke on the phone every night, met up as often as we could (we were 18/19, lived in different towns and this is way before iPhones & social media!!!) I made arrangements to move to his town for college - he was over the moon, lots of plans were made etc. I moved and literally didn’t hear from him for about a week despite my texts/calls - I thought he was dead! Then I got drunk one night and sent him a big emotional text telling him I loved him etc and all the rest of it and his response was absolutely horrible! I can still remember one line “fuck off - you are not my fucking girlfriend- I don’t have to explain myself to you- don’t ever contact me again”

I was heartbroken. I came completely out of left field. Turned out he had an actual girlfriend in town and he had been somehow playing me along the whole time..... lying little bastard.

 

[Bleurghgram]

 

[BigQueenEnergy]

I’m way too invested in this! I hope she doesn’t take him back, she deserves so much better.

I wish I could go back in time and leave from the first red flag.

 

[Definitelyme]

This happened to me! Said all the same things and stuff and I’d stay at his, him mine, we’d go out and stuff, he’d cook and teach me how to. Then one evening he was so so quiet he came back alive and casually told me he’d been on a date and thought she was amazing!!! It all went tits up for them and foolishly I went back....laid in bed one morning and his phone pinged up another girl I’d suspected after flirtatious fb comments so I walked out left the front door open, deleted and blocked him from everything! Never spoke since (3 years). I saw him in Sainsbury’s last year walking with purpose with a bunch of flowers when he saw me he swiftly changed direction and ran down the nappy aisle! . Hope your guy doesn’t turn out like him (mine was over a year though and I did love him hence magically forgetting the date, I feel so ashamed by that haha)

That’s some balls to come and tell the girl you’re going out with you’ve had an amazing date with someone else. Frigging hell!