Alcoholism

[Definitelyme]

I saw this on BBC News today. Thought some of you may be interested. I am always keen to read anything from the perspective of an alcoholic to try and gain more insight in to the WHY

Alcoholism in the time of coronavirus

Three people share their stories of dealing with alcoholism during and after lockdown.

www.bbc.co.uk

 

[babbling brook]

I saw this on BBC News today. Thought some of you may be interested. I am always keen to read anything from the perspective of an alcoholic to try and gain more insight in to the WHY

Alcoholism in the time of coronavirus

Three people share their stories of dealing with alcoholism during and after lockdown.

www.bbc.co.uk

Thanks for sharing. There is lots of information about how to get help but not enough first-hand stories. This was really interesting to read.

 

[37BBL]

I'm really glad this thread has picked up again. I've found it so helpful. I don’t talk to anyone about how I feel with my sisters addiction, not even my husband really. Having people on here who understand has really helped me.
I saw my sister over the weekend for the first time in a while. She presented as sober but as I've said before I am always suspicious. It was nice though, we had a chat and it felt like old times, but then reality hits and I remember what she caused. I don't know if I will ever forgive her for how much pain and hurt she caused, but at least she is no longer causing that which is a good thing I suppose. She left early to do a zoom meeting where she was presenting, i knew this was true as I saw the invite and the messages. Can't criticise her for that i suppose.
She lost everything and still wouldn't change though. I dont know what it takes to be honest. She had a call to say a rehab place was free and if she didn't take it she would be at the bottom of the list, she had been on said list for about 4 months I think. So she took it and thats when she started to improve.
Its so tough, I wish they realised sooner but its such a selfish and cruel addiction that it seems to just ruin them. I think its true that they can only help themselves when they decide to.
Sending everyone love x x

 

[Definitelyme]

I'm really glad this thread has picked up again. I've found it so helpful. I don’t talk to anyone about how I feel with my sisters addiction, not even my husband really. Having people on here who understand has really helped me.
I saw my sister over the weekend for the first time in a while. She presented as sober but as I've said before I am always suspicious. It was nice though, we had a chat and it felt like old times, but then reality hits and I remember what she caused. I don't know if I will ever forgive her for how much pain and hurt she caused, but at least she is no longer causing that which is a good thing I suppose. She left early to do a zoom meeting where she was presenting, i knew this was true as I saw the invite and the messages. Can't criticise her for that i suppose.
She lost everything and still wouldn't change though. I dont know what it takes to be honest. She had a call to say a rehab place was free and if she didn't take it she would be at the bottom of the list, she had been on said list for about 4 months I think. So she took it and thats when she started to improve.
Its so tough, I wish they realised sooner but its such a selfish and cruel addiction that it seems to just ruin them. I think its true that they can only help themselves when they decide to.
Sending everyone love x x

I'm so glad you had a nice time with your sister over the weekend. I absolutely understand that feeling of all being normal and then thinking "oh wait, you have done so much to hurt us all" it’s hard to reconcile the two faces of that one person sometimes. Great to hear your sister is doing the zoom meetings, I know my mum has been doing them too, and "hosting" them as well, as she leaves her notes for them about her house at times. But she’s been in AA in the past and still drinking so .

but sometimes I think you just have to take what you can get. That afternoon with your sister is a good memory, and it’s important for me that I try and keep the good parts and remember them and not be suspicious and worried all the time, as I find that absolutely exhausting.

 

[37BBL]

I'm so glad you had a nice time with your sister over the weekend. I absolutely understand that feeling of all being normal and then thinking "oh wait, you have done so much to hurt us all" it’s hard to reconcile the two faces of that one person sometimes. Great to hear your sister is doing the zoom meetings, I know my mum has been doing them too, and "hosting" them as well, as she leaves her notes for them about her house at times. But she’s been in AA in the past and still drinking so .

but sometimes I think you just have to take what you can get. That afternoon with your sister is a good memory, and it’s important for me that I try and keep the good parts and remember them and not be suspicious and worried all the time, as I find that absolutely exhausting.

I totally get the suspicions, my sister lied to us all for so long, even recently, so I am always dubious.

Agree that you have to take what you can get with alcoholics though, the constant worry and anxiety is absolutely exhausting and consuming.

Hopefully your mum is taking some positives from her zoom meetings and if she is hosting some thats a good thing too. Its hard though, there isn't a day where I don’t think about the worst case scenario. As you say though, having a couple of good recent memories is a welcome break from it. Xx

 

[NaeDebates]

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories, it has been a real comfort to me to finally find some people who get it!
My Dad was a functioning alcoholic, like other people have mentioned here he held down a good job but was easily drinking 1-2 bottles of wine each weeknight and then god knows how much over a weekend when he would sit up all night drinking and sleep all day. This only really started in my teens although there is a real culture of heavy drinking in my extended family so even as a child I would frequently be at families parties and see relatives really drunk...it’s only as an adult I realise that’s not everyone’s experience! My relationship with my Dad was horrific due to his drinking. He was a vile, nasty and vicious drunk & although he never hit me or my Mum we lived in the atmosphere that he could at any minute. I remember so vividly as a young teenager listening to my parents arguing downstairs& genuinely fearing he would just stab my mum or something at any minute. I’m not sure if anyone else has experience that it has tainted your relationship with the non alcoholics in your life? As an older teen/young adult I felt I resented my mum for not standing up to him/leaving him. He would never admit he had a problem & I always said to my mum he would either die or become seriously unwell and she’d be stuck being his carer. Lo and behold when I was 26 he had a massive brain haemorrhage and nearly died. He was in hospital for 11 months and my mum is now his full time carer. It resonated with me so much to hear people say they wish their person was dead. I’ve never admitted it but I wish he hadn’t survived & I feel nothing for him. I’m civil when I see him & tell him I love him to make him feel better but in reality I feel nothing for him. My coping mechanism was to move 150 miles away I have built my own life which I’m really proud of, and I do visit home and have a good relationship with my Mum but I can’t be physically involved in their day to day life for my own mental health & I also dread family gatherings where alcohol will be involved. It’s taken me a long time but I’ve mostly come to terms with not having a relationship with him, it’s too late. My dad still drinks as my mum feels he has lost control over everything else in his life so allows him the odd drink - which we massively disagree on. And he will still try to sneak drunk etc but definitely less reliant than pre brain haemorrhage. I still get the sharp end of his tongue when he’s had a drink though & that reminds me why I have to distance myself!
phew that’s an essay but it feels so good to offload to people who understand!

 

[LittleBird]

This thread has been really triggering and I hope you are all okay .

In July, I left my partner of 4.5 years who was a functioning alcoholic. He managed a pub and really didnt see any problem with drinking most evenings of the week so we had to agree how many drinking nights he could have. I would regularly wake up to find hidden bottles of alcohol, my alcohol drank or something broken in the house. Mixing alcohol with weed would leave him in another dimension, turning very nasty.

Lockdown was a real breaking point for me as his addiction to drinking and smoking weed hit tipping point and I was the fun police whilst his friends could spend lockdown trashed and having a good time.

I'm really angry with him because without the beer and weed, he is a great guy. As a result of his addiction, I have sold my lovely home and am having to start all over again. Today he told me he has started Stoptober and hasn't drank or smoked since the 30th September. Whilst I'm so proud of him, I know it will not last (just like it hasn't done before) and it breaks my heart to watch him destroy himself over and over. If I thought this new found behaviour could last, I would run back to him in a heartbeat but i have lost 4 years of my life as a shell. I was scared to tell anyone how bad life had really become and his mum would tell me he worked hard and deserved a drink. I feel that I now have major issues with alcohol and I feel very on edge around drunk people. I am in therapy so hoping to resolve some of these issues but feel like I have sacrificed so much for someone who still doesn't recognise that they have a problem.

 

[Annie101]

I do wonder if there's any happy ever after stories after the addict in your life stops drinking. My husband still sober, attends his meetings, but he has not been through the step where he makes amends to people. I know deep down the resentment i feel of what i had to go through eats away at me, and i need him at some point to acknowledge what happened and apologise. Especially as he made me feel crazy at the time, as in saying he did not drink, whilst the empty bottle of whiskey is on the table, as we have the super strange cat burglar planting empty bottles all over the house.

 

[Definitelyme]

I do wonder if there's any happy ever after stories after the addict in your life stops drinking. My husband still sober, attends his meetings, but he has not been through the step where he makes amends to people. I know deep down the resentment i feel of what i had to go through eats away at me, and i need him at some point to acknowledge what happened and apologise. Especially as he made me feel crazy at the time, as in saying he did not drink, whilst the empty bottle of whiskey is on the table, as we have the super strange cat burglar planting empty bottles all over the house.

My mum has been through this step before. Apparently. But I’ve never received an apology. I find that very hard to deal with. if she doesn’t acknowledge the hurt and pain she has caused me, I won’t ever fully be able to trust her or even begin to forgive her.

@NaeDebates for a long time I blamed my dad’s bad temper for all the terrible arguments my parents had in my youth. It’s only now I realise that he was living with an alcoholic and how hard tha must have been, and how often she is the cause of those arguments. His temper doesn’t help, but I blamed him for so long for something I no longer believe was his fault. I’m so glad you have been able to have a life far removed from your parents and the issues surrounding your dad.

@LittleBird I can’t imagine how hard it must have been giving up your whole life to leave your husband. What amazing strength you have!

 

[loveanatter]

I’ve read every single post on here & I remember how alone I felt when dealing with it all... thought sharing my story may help anyone else reading to know it’s not just them. I lost my Mum when I was 23 & she was only 47 - everyone always assumes cancer and I mostly let them as I guess there’s a stigmatism around admitting she was an alcoholic, even 5 years later.
When I was growing up I guess she always liked a drink but I don’t think it ever was so bad? Maybe it just didn’t seem it, but she had suffered with depression for a long time which started through post natal depression with my younger brother. Maybe some PTSD in there as she had a really rough ride falling pregnant with multiple miscarriages and then he was a really difficult baby. She got passed back and forth for treatment from depression/alcoholism with neither team ever accepting her. She was depressed because she drank or she drank because she was depressed but responsibility was never taken by either.
She never worked and so I’m not sure how long she would have been a functioning alcoholic but I wouldn’t say she ever reached a truly non functioning alcoholic. She didn’t drink in the mornings and didn’t stay up all night drinking but would consume 2 bottles of wine and possibly a couple of cans of cider everyday.
In 2010 she was in intensive care due to her drinking and literally was hailed as a miracle for recovering. We were called several times to say our goodbyes (I was 18 at this point) as they didn’t think that she would make it through the night.
She stayed sober for 2 years & then saw a different consultant to usual and he obviously hadn’t read her notes properly. Fatally, he said he didn’t see that an odd drink would do her any damage..... obviously anyone that is dependent on any substance can’t just have one!
It was a slippery slope from there with a lot of trips to A&E when she was suicidal and I truly strained life by my Dad/me/my brother. I would drive 130 miles home and she would be asleep at 8:30 obviously from drinking too much.
She was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and fluid on her lungs. She spent a month there, before contracting an infection and her body gave up & she died from multiple organ failure.
Unknowingly I was 3 weeks pregnant when she died & never got the chance to tell her. I’ve spent the last few years wondering if it would have changed anything or actually made it harder as would have had the disappointment at the reality.
My advice would be to make sure you truly grieve. It’s a lot more emotion than having just lost someone & I found That I had probably been grieving my sober Mum for many years already xxx

 

[Gembo]

I’ve read every single post on here & I remember how alone I felt when dealing with it all... thought sharing my story may help anyone else reading to know it’s not just them. I lost my Mum when I was 23 & she was only 47 - everyone always assumes cancer and I mostly let them as I guess there’s a stigmatism around admitting she was an alcoholic, even 5 years later.
When I was growing up I guess she always liked a drink but I don’t think it ever was so bad? Maybe it just didn’t seem it, but she had suffered with depression for a long time which started through post natal depression with my younger brother. Maybe some PTSD in there as she had a really rough ride falling pregnant with multiple miscarriages and then he was a really difficult baby. She got passed back and forth for treatment from depression/alcoholism with neither team ever accepting her. She was depressed because she drank or she drank because she was depressed but responsibility was never taken by either.
She never worked and so I’m not sure how long she would have been a functioning alcoholic but I wouldn’t say she ever reached a truly non functioning alcoholic. She didn’t drink in the mornings and didn’t stay up all night drinking but would consume 2 bottles of wine and possibly a couple of cans of cider everyday.
In 2010 she was in intensive care due to her drinking and literally was hailed as a miracle for recovering. We were called several times to say our goodbyes (I was 18 at this point) as they didn’t think that she would make it through the night.
She stayed sober for 2 years & then saw a different consultant to usual and he obviously hadn’t read her notes properly. Fatally, he said he didn’t see that an odd drink would do her any damage..... obviously anyone that is dependent on any substance can’t just have one!
It was a slippery slope from there with a lot of trips to A&E when she was suicidal and I truly strained life by my Dad/me/my brother. I would drive 130 miles home and she would be asleep at 8:30 obviously from drinking too much.
She was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and fluid on her lungs. She spent a month there, before contracting an infection and her body gave up & she died from multiple organ failure.
Unknowingly I was 3 weeks pregnant when she died & never got the chance to tell her. I’ve spent the last few years wondering if it would have changed anything or actually made it harder as would have had the disappointment at the reality.
My advice would be to make sure you truly grieve. It’s a lot more emotion than having just lost someone & I found That I had probably been grieving my sober Mum for many years already xxx

Your story brought tears to my eyes, I can understand how so much of this must have felt. Thank you for sharing it with us. I hope you are doing much better now and have some happy memories of your mum xx

 

[Definitelyme]

I’ve read every single post on here & I remember how alone I felt when dealing with it all... thought sharing my story may help anyone else reading to know it’s not just them. I lost my Mum when I was 23 & she was only 47 - everyone always assumes cancer and I mostly let them as I guess there’s a stigmatism around admitting she was an alcoholic, even 5 years later.
When I was growing up I guess she always liked a drink but I don’t think it ever was so bad? Maybe it just didn’t seem it, but she had suffered with depression for a long time which started through post natal depression with my younger brother. Maybe some PTSD in there as she had a really rough ride falling pregnant with multiple miscarriages and then he was a really difficult baby. She got passed back and forth for treatment from depression/alcoholism with neither team ever accepting her. She was depressed because she drank or she drank because she was depressed but responsibility was never taken by either.
She never worked and so I’m not sure how long she would have been a functioning alcoholic but I wouldn’t say she ever reached a truly non functioning alcoholic. She didn’t drink in the mornings and didn’t stay up all night drinking but would consume 2 bottles of wine and possibly a couple of cans of cider everyday.
In 2010 she was in intensive care due to her drinking and literally was hailed as a miracle for recovering. We were called several times to say our goodbyes (I was 18 at this point) as they didn’t think that she would make it through the night.
She stayed sober for 2 years & then saw a different consultant to usual and he obviously hadn’t read her notes properly. Fatally, he said he didn’t see that an odd drink would do her any damage..... obviously anyone that is dependent on any substance can’t just have one!
It was a slippery slope from there with a lot of trips to A&E when she was suicidal and I truly strained life by my Dad/me/my brother. I would drive 130 miles home and she would be asleep at 8:30 obviously from drinking too much.
She was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and fluid on her lungs. She spent a month there, before contracting an infection and her body gave up & she died from multiple organ failure.
Unknowingly I was 3 weeks pregnant when she died & never got the chance to tell her. I’ve spent the last few years wondering if it would have changed anything or actually made it harder as would have had the disappointment at the reality.
My advice would be to make sure you truly grieve. It’s a lot more emotion than having just lost someone & I found That I had probably been grieving my sober Mum for many years already xxx

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, and your little ones granny. It sounds as if she was fatally failed by the system at all turns, which must be so hard for you and your family to think of. X

 

[slabber]

Found out this morning my Mother who has been an on/off alcoholic my entire life is back on the drink. She has been asking her domiciliary care workers to buy it for her. I think that's what annoys/upsets me the most about it all - how desperate can you get? How embarrassing? How dare they for doing it?

When I confronted her about it, she blamed it on lockdown and said she hadn't drank in ages. It's been a week - I can't stand the lying. And there is always an excuse. If it's not lockdown, it's something else.

I got so angry and began shouting at her.. any wonder my brother is so f*cked up etc. And now I am in this awful cycle of feeling angry, reacting and then feeling guilty for it. All these emotions feel like a big knot in my chest. This same scenario reoccurs every few months and the feelings are always as strong each time.

Have been a long time lurker of this thread but just really needed to vent after this morning and I figured people here would get it more than most.. I hope you are all doing ok and thank you for making me realise I'm not alone in this.

 

[Definitelyme]

Found out this morning my Mother who has been an on/off alcoholic my entire life is back on the drink. She has been asking her domiciliary care workers to buy it for her. I think that's what annoys/upsets me the most about it all - how desperate can you get? How embarrassing? How dare they for doing it?

When I confronted her about it, she blamed it on lockdown and said she hadn't drank in ages. It's been a week - I can't stand the lying. And there is always an excuse. If it's not lockdown, it's something else.

I got so angry and began shouting at her.. any wonder my brother is so f*cked up etc. And now I am in this awful cycle of feeling angry, reacting and then feeling guilty for it. All these emotions feel like a big knot in my chest. This same scenario reoccurs every few months and the feelings are always as strong each time.

Have been a long time lurker of this thread but just really needed to vent after this morning and I figured people here would get it more than most.. I hope you are all doing ok and thank you for making me realise I'm not alone in this.

So sorry to read this. As you’ll probably have read it’s my mum as well, so I really do know how you feel. Shameful that her care workers are buying it for her, even if they don’t know the extent of her problem. Can you speak to them/the agency about it? Cut off her supply?

Don’t feel guilty for being angry. She has let you down (again). It’s natural to be angry. I can relate to the ball in your stomach feeling you get, and I’m just so sorry you’ve had this happen to you over the weekend. glad you posted though, because we all know how you feel and how horrendous it is when you find out they’ve gone again

 

[Happyvalley]

Found out this morning my Mother who has been an on/off alcoholic my entire life is back on the drink. She has been asking her domiciliary care workers to buy it for her. I think that's what annoys/upsets me the most about it all - how desperate can you get? How embarrassing? How dare they for doing it?

When I confronted her about it, she blamed it on lockdown and said she hadn't drank in ages. It's been a week - I can't stand the lying. And there is always an excuse. If it's not lockdown, it's something else.

I got so angry and began shouting at her.. any wonder my brother is so f*cked up etc. And now I am in this awful cycle of feeling angry, reacting and then feeling guilty for it. All these emotions feel like a big knot in my chest. This same scenario reoccurs every few months and the feelings are always as strong each time.

Have been a long time lurker of this thread but just really needed to vent after this morning and I figured people here would get it more than most.. I hope you are all doing ok and thank you for making me realise I'm not alone in this.

I’m cross for you that the carers are enabling her by buying the alcohol! I remember well the disappointment of the alcoholic deciding to drink again, it’s such a kick in the gut. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I find myself looking back and feeling angry at shopkeepers and other people who would buy my mum alcohol. When I was 10 she would send me to stand outside the shops until I saw someone I recognised and I’d have to ask them whether they could go inside and get my mum some cider. Some shopkeepers would just let me have it if I passed them a note from my mum. Different times I know but I still feel so annoyed about that and cross at the dangerous situations I was put in.

 

[37BBL]

Found out this morning my Mother who has been an on/off alcoholic my entire life is back on the drink. She has been asking her domiciliary care workers to buy it for her. I think that's what annoys/upsets me the most about it all - how desperate can you get? How embarrassing? How dare they for doing it?

When I confronted her about it, she blamed it on lockdown and said she hadn't drank in ages. It's been a week - I can't stand the lying. And there is always an excuse. If it's not lockdown, it's something else.

I got so angry and began shouting at her.. any wonder my brother is so f*cked up etc. And now I am in this awful cycle of feeling angry, reacting and then feeling guilty for it. All these emotions feel like a big knot in my chest. This same scenario reoccurs every few months and the feelings are always as strong each time.

Have been a long time lurker of this thread but just really needed to vent after this morning and I figured people here would get it more than most.. I hope you are all doing ok and thank you for making me realise I'm not alone in this.

So sorry to read this. Its heartbreaking when you think they are off it and then they end up relapsing.
We all totally get it and feel free to rant away. I never talk to anyone about my situation but I could rant forever on here.
The emotions are normal, we all seem to struggle with them. I think its natural to be angry and then feel guilty. That person has made you feel like that though, don't feel like this is your fault.
Just take some time for yourself, when I was really struggling with feeling so anxious and on edge I used to find watching a comedy or something really light hearted helped me escape for a couple of hours in my mind. I cant really watch dramas or anything as they trigger me worrying and thinking what if, but comedies always helped take my mind off it xxxxx

 

[Annie101]

My husbands dry drunk symptoms out of control again. Treats me like he enemy. For the past 2 weeks my spirit been so low. I had to go through minutes of a meeting I attended at work 2 weeks ago. Between the work related stuff i wrote down words like, i am sad and depressed, suicidal, just want to stop everything. I am getting worried for myself. To others i look so in control, so tough and that i can handle anything. And i can't. Came home yesterday, and my husband moved into the other house on our property. Either to drink and that i can't see, or the deal with his tit. I have never felt lonelier. What good is it living in a mansion, us both having good careers and we so f*cked.

 

[Raininvain]

My husbands dry drunk symptoms out of control again. Treats me like he enemy. For the past 2 weeks my spirit been so low. I had to go through minutes of a meeting I attended at work 2 weeks ago. Between the work related stuff i wrote down words like, i am sad and depressed, suicidal, just want to stop everything. I am getting worried for myself. To others i look so in control, so tough and that i can handle anything. And i can't. Came home yesterday, and my husband moved into the other house on our property. Either to drink and that i can't see, or the deal with his tit. I have never felt lonelier. What good is it living in a mansion, us both having good careers and we so f*cked.

Just leave him seriously.X. I had this with my Dad and he was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and dead at 57. I'd say to anyone just forget the person whoever it is because they will destroy your life as well as their own. Sorry for all the people on here who are struggling.X

 

[Happyvalley]

My husbands dry drunk symptoms out of control again. Treats me like he enemy. For the past 2 weeks my spirit been so low. I had to go through minutes of a meeting I attended at work 2 weeks ago. Between the work related stuff i wrote down words like, i am sad and depressed, suicidal, just want to stop everything. I am getting worried for myself. To others i look so in control, so tough and that i can handle anything. And i can't. Came home yesterday, and my husband moved into the other house on our property. Either to drink and that i can't see, or the deal with his tit. I have never felt lonelier. What good is it living in a mansion, us both having good careers and we so f*cked.

That’s really sad, I’m sorry you feel so low. Honestly I think you need to put yourself first at this point. If you’re financially stable and secure I would seriously consider leaving. Even if it’s for a short term break. Your own health and well-being is more important than trying to help a drinker. Sounds harsh but I am talking from experience. Like you said what good is it having money and careers if you can’t have happiness and inner peace. And it doesn’t sound like he can give you that right now x

 

[37BBL]

My husbands dry drunk symptoms out of control again. Treats me like he enemy. For the past 2 weeks my spirit been so low. I had to go through minutes of a meeting I attended at work 2 weeks ago. Between the work related stuff i wrote down words like, i am sad and depressed, suicidal, just want to stop everything. I am getting worried for myself. To others i look so in control, so tough and that i can handle anything. And i can't. Came home yesterday, and my husband moved into the other house on our property. Either to drink and that i can't see, or the deal with his tit. I have never felt lonelier. What good is it living in a mansion, us both having good careers and we so f*cked.

Im so sorry. I think you need to break away and take some time for yourself. Time apart will either make you realise you don't need him or that you want to try again. Unfortunately no matter what you do, he will keep drinking until he decides he needs to change. My experience has taught me that even the worst imaginable situation doesn't spark that desire to change. Your health and wellbeing needs to come first, and you are clearly struggling.
Xxxx