Alcoholism

[Definitelyme]

My husbands dry drunk symptoms out of control again. Treats me like he enemy. For the past 2 weeks my spirit been so low. I had to go through minutes of a meeting I attended at work 2 weeks ago. Between the work related stuff i wrote down words like, i am sad and depressed, suicidal, just want to stop everything. I am getting worried for myself. To others i look so in control, so tough and that i can handle anything. And i can't. Came home yesterday, and my husband moved into the other house on our property. Either to drink and that i can't see, or the deal with his tit. I have never felt lonelier. What good is it living in a mansion, us both having good careers and we so f*cked.

I can only echo what the others have said. You need to put YOUR mental health first right now. If someone else’s actions are impacting your mental health negatively, then it’s time to consider what the options are.

It is very easy for people to say leave him. It’s not us, not our life. It is yours, and you are miserable. You need to take some time to really think about what is going to happen in the next days and weeks. If you feel suicidal, this is an emergency situation. Is there anyone you can talk to? I know that it probably isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but what about phoning someone like Al Anon, or Samaritans? Just having someone to talk to may help give you clarity.

The behaviour you are experiencing from your husband is not normal, loving behaviour that should be displayed. By leaving you alone so deliberately, he is emotionally abusing you, and trying to control the narrative. If you feel strong enough, now is the time for YOU to take the control. It doesn’t have to be this way.

But making changes is tough, it is hard and uncomfortable. I would really urge you to find someone to talk to IRL that can help you through this. I am so sorry things are so bad x

 

[Annie101]

thank you all for you kind words. I am looking at Airbnb's close to work and stay there for a while, but when i've done this in the past I made things worse. I have the house to myself and I want to be around my dogs. The property is big enough that we dont see each other, but i am embarrassed that our caretaker and cleaner sees that we are not in the same house. And it breaks my heart that he would rather be away from me than being with me. The logical side of me knows it is not my fault, i cannot "fix him", but i cannot help feeling abandoned and unloved. I dont talk to people in my life about it, as his shame with alcohol has always been my shame.

 

[Definitelyme]

thank you all for you kind words. I am looking at Airbnb's close to work and stay there for a while, but when i've done this in the past I made things worse. I have the house to myself and I want to be around my dogs. The property is big enough that we dont see each other, but i am embarrassed that our caretaker and cleaner sees that we are not in the same house. And it breaks my heart that he would rather be away from me than being with me. The logical side of me knows it is not my fault, i cannot "fix him", but i cannot help feeling abandoned and unloved. I dont talk to people in my life about it, as his shame with alcohol has always been my shame.

thank you all for you kind words. I am looking at Airbnb's close to work and stay there for a while, but when i've done this in the past I made things worse. I have the house to myself and I want to be around my dogs. The property is big enough that we dont see each other, but i am embarrassed that our caretaker and cleaner sees that we are not in the same house. And it breaks my heart that he would rather be away from me than being with me. The logical side of me knows it is not my fault, i cannot "fix him", but i cannot help feeling abandoned and unloved. I dont talk to people in my life about it, as his shame with alcohol has always been my shame.

Neither of you has anything to be ashamed of. Alcoholism is a disease, not a dirty secret. You have NOTHING to feel shame for.

I don’t believe in ultimatums for alcoholics. They don’t work. But would you be willing to try and talk to him and lay out the very stark reality of where you are. In a bad mental health place caused by the currently awful relationship between you because of his drinking, and that you simply can not go on. Not an ultimatum (they’ll always choose the drink) but rather a factual “I need something to change or I will not survive this. These are the options”

I think there are some very big, scary, moments ahead for you. Not easy to take action against someone you love so dearly, but you are suffering so much.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I don’t even know where to start. My husband has an issue, and I don’t know what to do anymore. He had a bad childhood and from what I know his mum was a big drinker.

It’s been an up and down few years and last year he finally got help for his anxiety and depression (mainly because he pushed me). Since then he has made improvements but if the slightest thing goes wrong he bring home a bottle of wine and spends the evening drinking it in his man cave, if he finishes it quickly he’ll drink anything else he can get his hands on. He will then drive to work.

We have spoken so many times and I’m at my final straw, he promised to give up drinking and we’re on bottle two of the week. Apparently I make it worse but no being supportive but I just can’t help but get upset when he won’t even try. I’m in such a good mood and looking forward to him coming home and then he opens a bottle and I’m left alone crying on the sofa and then he will sleep on the sofa. Apologise and then the cycle starts again.

I want to tell him to pack a bag, but he has no
where to go and I don’t want to leave him. I just feel like a complete shell of myself but if I tell him I’m being selfish because it’s not about me. I’ve asked him to get help but he won’t, it took about 5 years to get him to speak to the doctor about his depression. I just don’t want this to be my future.

 

[Definitelyme]

I don’t even know where to start. My husband has an issue, and I don’t know what to do anymore. He had a bad childhood and from what I know his mum was a big drinker.

It’s been an up and down few years and last year he finally got help for his anxiety and depression (mainly because he pushed me). Since then he has made improvements but if the slightest thing goes wrong he bring home a bottle of wine and spends the evening drinking it in his man cave, if he finishes it quickly he’ll drink anything else he can get his hands on. He will then drive to work.

We have spoken so many times and I’m at my final straw, he promised to give up drinking and we’re on bottle two of the week. Apparently I make it worse but no being supportive but I just can’t help but get upset when he won’t even try. I’m in such a good mood and looking forward to him coming home and then he opens a bottle and I’m left alone crying on the sofa and then he will sleep on the sofa. Apologise and then the cycle starts again.

I want to tell him to pack a bag, but he has no
where to go and I don’t want to leave him. I just feel like a complete shell of myself but if I tell him I’m being selfish because it’s not about me. I’ve asked him to get help but he won’t, it took about 5 years to get him to speak to the doctor about his depression. I just don’t want this to be my future.

You are not being selfish, and it IS about you. This is affecting your life too, how can it not be about you? I am so sorry that you are going through this, and that things seem so bleak. He sounds like the "classic" alcoholic. Drinks then apologises....but never means it and drinks again. If he has depression, it’s an even harder cycle to break I think. My mum also suffers from sever depression, and it all links together. They feel depressed so self medicate with the drink, which pushes them further in to the depression, and then the drink. A vicious circle. Which can only be broken when they are ready. I think most of us have found one of the hardest things is that we can’t make our loved one see sense and stop. They will do it (or not) on their own time frame. And sometimes it will be too late.

is he on medication for his depression? Would he consider seeing a counsellor? Either alone or with you?

 

[JoeBloggs]

You are not being selfish, and it IS about you. This is affecting your life too, how can it not be about you? I am so sorry that you are going through this, and that things seem so bleak. He sounds like the "classic" alcoholic. Drinks then apologises....but never means it and drinks again. If he has depression, it’s an even harder cycle to break I think. My mum also suffers from sever depression, and it all links together. They feel depressed so self medicate with the drink, which pushes them further in to the depression, and then the drink. A vicious circle. Which can only be broken when they are ready. I think most of us have found one of the hardest things is that we can’t make our loved one see sense and stop. They will do it (or not) on their own time frame. And sometimes it will be too late.

is he on medication for his depression? Would he consider seeing a counsellor? Either alone or with you?

Thank you for replying. Yes he’s drinking to self medicate but it makes him more depressed and the cycle gets worse. Yes he is, and he discussed upping it and I have tried to encourage this but now he says he’s fine. It’s been a battle to get him to even discuss it with the doctor so trying to get him to go back is so hard. I have suggested counselling either alone or together. I really do think he should as I worried his past is effecting him (he won’t tell me too much). He’s so wonderful when he’s sober, when he drinks he’s angry, miserable and so selfish. I don’t know how to I’ve forward, whenever I tell him how I feel he says it’s not about my feelings it’s about his. I told him I’m at the end of my tether and I’m so close to kicking him out but I know that’s not what I want deep down but I also don’t want to live like 5is every week when it starts again.

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you for replying. Yes he’s drinking to self medicate but it makes him more depressed and the cycle gets worse. Yes he is, and he discussed upping it and I have tried to encourage this but now he says he’s fine. It’s been a battle to get him to even discuss it with the doctor so trying to get him to go back is so hard. I have suggested counselling either alone or together. I really do think he should as I worried his past is effecting him (he won’t tell me too much). He’s so wonderful when he’s sober, when he drinks he’s angry, miserable and so selfish. I don’t know how to I’ve forward, whenever I tell him how I feel he says it’s not about my feelings it’s about his. I told him I’m at the end of my tether and I’m so close to kicking him out but I know that’s not what I want deep down but I also don’t want to live like 5is every week when it starts again.

I assume when you talk to him he is sober? For him to say it’s not about your feelings is just unreal. It is so unfair to you, it minimises everything you go through, and all without the self medication that he uses to manages his pain. You are married, both of you count equally and if he genuinely doesn’t think that when he is sober, then that would be a big red flag for me.

Your feelings are valid, and they do count, no matter what he says. Have you anyone to talk to about this? I wish I could give you a magical answer to cure it all. But alcoholism is just life destroying, and the worst bit is that they seem to LET it destroy them, with no care for the rest of us.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I assume when you talk to him he is sober? For him to say it’s not about your feelings is just unreal. It is so unfair to you, it minimises everything you go through, and all without the self medication that he uses to manages his pain. You are married, both of you count equally and if he genuinely doesn’t think that when he is sober, then that would be a big red flag for me.

Your feelings are valid, and they do count, no matter what he says. Have you anyone to talk to about this? I wish I could give you a magical answer to cure it all. But alcoholism is just life destroying, and the worst bit is that they seem to LET it destroy them, with no care for the rest of us.

Yes generally when sober, he has this habit of whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he tells me to calm down or not now or he’s depressed so he can’t deal with it. I know it’s wrong, and I think deep down I know I should walk but I don’t want to.

I don’t really have anyone, my parents have an awful marriage and my mums attitude is very much just carry on. I have told my friends a few bits but I don’t want them to think badly of him. He’s not a bad person and on the outside we have a lovely relationship.

That’s it isn’t it, it’s seems like he’s letting it destroy his life, his relationship, his job everything. His mum went through the same thing as she refused to seek help and her partner (very lovely man) left her.

Thank you so much for your words. I feel so empty.

 

[Rose28454]

I don’t even know where to start. My husband has an issue, and I don’t know what to do anymore. He had a bad childhood and from what I know his mum was a big drinker.

It’s been an up and down few years and last year he finally got help for his anxiety and depression (mainly because he pushed me). Since then he has made improvements but if the slightest thing goes wrong he bring home a bottle of wine and spends the evening drinking it in his man cave, if he finishes it quickly he’ll drink anything else he can get his hands on. He will then drive to work.

We have spoken so many times and I’m at my final straw, he promised to give up drinking and we’re on bottle two of the week. Apparently I make it worse but no being supportive but I just can’t help but get upset when he won’t even try. I’m in such a good mood and looking forward to him coming home and then he opens a bottle and I’m left alone crying on the sofa and then he will sleep on the sofa. Apologise and then the cycle starts again.

I want to tell him to pack a bag, but he has no
where to go and I don’t want to leave him. I just feel like a complete shell of myself but if I tell him I’m being selfish because it’s not about me. I’ve asked him to get help but he won’t, it took about 5 years to get him to speak to the doctor about his depression. I just don’t want this to be my future.

Just a quick summary of my life with an alcoholic. The whole of our married life he drank but it only became a real problem in 2000 when he was moved for his job. Lots of issues at work caused it to spiral out of control. Finally in 2008 I moved out with our teenage daughter to my sisters and told him to find somewhere to live and he gone when we cane back. I helped him find a flat nearby and from the day he moved out he never touched another drink. Dr put him on meds to help at the start and he attended many meeting 1st 6 months. After 6 months I helped him find a little cottage nearby and he settled in wellZ by this time he was not working and was in benefits plus his work pension.
fast forward to 2017 and he moved back with me in our family home. Lot of money damage done by all that drink but we have just paid off our mortgage ( thanks to an inheritance ) and are finally ok financially.
he is 13 years sober but has never said Sorry to me or his children although he has a strong bond with our daughter now but our son Always calls me rather than his dad
Last year he lost his parents and only sibling and I did worry for his sobriety but he was ok. if someone told me 14 years ago we would be living in peace finally I wouldn’t have believed it
My heart goes out to those going through it

 

[Definitelyme]

Yes generally when sober, he has this habit of whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he tells me to calm down or not now or he’s depressed so he can’t deal with it. I know it’s wrong, and I think deep down I know I should walk but I don’t want to.

I don’t really have anyone, my parents have an awful marriage and my mums attitude is very much just carry on. I have told my friends a few bits but I don’t want them to think badly of him. He’s not a bad person and on the outside we have a lovely relationship.

That’s it isn’t it, it’s seems like he’s letting it destroy his life, his relationship, his job everything. His mum went through the same thing as she refused to seek help and her partner (very lovely man) left her.

Thank you so much for your words. I feel so empty.

The fact that history is repeating itself is so sad. For us (non alcoholics) it doesn’t make sense, why can’t he see the pattern repeating and know how it ends? It’s frustrating and infuriating, and exhausting. What about talking to a counsellor yourself. I understand these things are really hard to talk about with someone you know. If you feel you don’t want to leave the marriage, then maybe you talking to someone could give you some idea of what options you have going forward.

I feel for you so much, and I’m so sorry things are so awful.

 

[LittleBird]

I don’t even know where to start. My husband has an issue, and I don’t know what to do anymore. He had a bad childhood and from what I know his mum was a big drinker.

It’s been an up and down few years and last year he finally got help for his anxiety and depression (mainly because he pushed me). Since then he has made improvements but if the slightest thing goes wrong he bring home a bottle of wine and spends the evening drinking it in his man cave, if he finishes it quickly he’ll drink anything else he can get his hands on. He will then drive to work.

We have spoken so many times and I’m at my final straw, he promised to give up drinking and we’re on bottle two of the week. Apparently I make it worse but no being supportive but I just can’t help but get upset when he won’t even try. I’m in such a good mood and looking forward to him coming home and then he opens a bottle and I’m left alone crying on the sofa and then he will sleep on the sofa. Apologise and then the cycle starts again.

I want to tell him to pack a bag, but he has no
where to go and I don’t want to leave him. I just feel like a complete shell of myself but if I tell him I’m being selfish because it’s not about me. I’ve asked him to get help but he won’t, it took about 5 years to get him to speak to the doctor about his depression. I just don’t want this to be my future.

I'm so sorry to read this and completely understand how difficult it can be to have a partner who doesn't understand how destructive their behaviour is, especially when they are the greatest person sober.

Your feelings ARE important and valid. It took me over a year to finally leave my ex. Life is hard and I'm not happy, but I'd be unhappier living in a pit of anxiety waiting for him to have his next drink. If you ever need to chat or rant, DM me.

 

[Raininvain]

Yes generally when sober, he has this habit of whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he tells me to calm down or not now or he’s depressed so he can’t deal with it. I know it’s wrong, and I think deep down I know I should walk but I don’t want to.

I don’t really have anyone, my parents have an awful marriage and my mums attitude is very much just carry on. I have told my friends a few bits but I don’t want them to think badly of him. He’s not a bad person and on the outside we have a lovely relationship.

That’s it isn’t it, it’s seems like he’s letting it destroy his life, his relationship, his job everything. His mum went through the same thing as she refused to seek help and her partner (very lovely man) left her.

Thank you so much for your words. I feel so empty.

There's Al Anon who could offer you support, they have meetings and and for friends/family of Alcoholics. You could find about counselling for yourself either privately or through the G.P? Sorry your having to go through all this, but your not on your own. There's also the Samaritans if you just want to talk/offload you do not have to be suicidal. X

 

[JoeBloggs]

Thank you @LittleBird and @Raininvain. He’s come home pretending nothing has happened with another bottle of wine. Apparently I didn’t get anything he said yesterday and he doesn’t want to talk.

According to the NHS guidelines he is on his way to dependency. I can’t live like this anymore, he either needs to get help or it’s over. I’ve put up with his behaviour for too long.

Thank you so much for your words, it’s a relief to get them out of my head. I think I will also call Al Anon, I feel so alone.

 

[LittleBird]

Thank you @LittleBird and @Raininvain. He’s come home pretending nothing has happened with another bottle of wine. Apparently I didn’t get anything he said yesterday and he doesn’t want to talk.

According to the NHS guidelines he is on his way to dependency. I can’t live like this anymore, he either needs to get help or it’s over. I’ve put up with his behaviour for too long.

Thank you so much for your words, it’s a relief to get them out of my head. I think I will also call Al Anon, I feel so alone.

Please do not feel alone. I hope that my ex will change every day but will not accept the help. Just today I found out he has split his head open whilst drunk and out of control last night.

You can't help someone until they want to help themselves. Please look after yourself

 

[Definitelyme]

The thread had slipped quite far down, so just thought I’d say hi and hope you are all doing well, and bump us up where we are visible for anyone else who may need a place to be.

 

[babbling brook]

Just wanted to say I find it so helpful to read everyone’s stories. Being the partner of someone with a dependency/alcoholism is a really lonely and frustrating place to be but it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one. It is heartbreaking to hear of how many people are experiencing this.

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Just wanted to say I find it so helpful to read everyone’s stories. Being the partner of someone with a dependency/alcoholism is a really lonely and frustrating place to be but it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one. It is heartbreaking to hear of how many people are experiencing this.

I’m sorry. It must be awful. I’ll be honest, this is one of my biggest fears as someone that has lived with an alcoholic parent. It must be so difficult for romantic partners. You’re definitely not alone — there is support out there, for you too.

 

[Annie101]

I dont know any of you, but a huge hug and lots of love to you all. Putting this in writing in the universe is somehow helping me cope and letting all the pent up feelings out. It makes me feel a little less lonelier with our secret. Brief update - He came to me to apologize, he moved back into the house with me. I had a peaceful weekend, i was able to breath. Ironically Al Anon contacted me over the weekend to be a speaker next week. Would be my first time, lets hope i don't start crying and be strong.

 

[Definitelyme]

I dont know any of you, but a huge hug and lots of love to you all. Putting this in writing in the universe is somehow helping me cope and letting all the pent up feelings out. It makes me feel a little less lonelier with our secret. Brief update - He came to me to apologize, he moved back into the house with me. I had a peaceful weekend, i was able to breath. Ironically Al Anon contacted me over the weekend to be a speaker next week. Would be my first time, lets hope i don't start crying and be strong.

I am so glad to hear that things went well over the weekend. Best of luck for your Al Anon speaking, don’t worry about being strong, everyone there will understand x

 

[JoeBloggs]

I dont know any of you, but a huge hug and lots of love to you all. Putting this in writing in the universe is somehow helping me cope and letting all the pent up feelings out. It makes me feel a little less lonelier with our secret. Brief update - He came to me to apologize, he moved back into the house with me. I had a peaceful weekend, i was able to breath. Ironically Al Anon contacted me over the weekend to be a speaker next week. Would be my first time, lets hope i don't start crying and be strong.

I could not agree with this more, the love I have felt posting here is amazing and I feel like I am being cuddled! I feel a little freer just being able to put my thoughts down. It does feel like its a secret and no-one I know would understand.

Me and my husband spoke yesterday, to me there is still a barrier to what he thinks is going on and what I think is going on but things are better. He has refused to get help at this stage but has acknowledged he has a drink issue. He is still trying to give up drinking and asked that I don't get cross when if he fails and to support him.

Good luck with the talk @Annie101