Alcoholism

[37BBL]

I have a sibling who is an alcoholic. Its the most horrendous thing I have ever been through. I would even say worse than when a close family member died.
She has completely ruined her life. Lost everything. Even that didn't make her change her ways though. She went to rehab and detox in December and came back in June. The 6 months she was away was bliss, I didn't have the constant worry that every time my phone rang it would be my parents saying something had happened. Or that she was kicking off at one of their houses.

When she came out it was mid lock down so I didn't see her. She started seeing us again about 4 weeks ago. It was okay, I am very weary. She has countless zoom meetings with her councellors, sponsor, group members etc every day. Last week I knew something was wrong with my mum, when I pressed her she said my sister had a blip and had a drink the week before. I have never had any faith that she will stay sober I'm afraid. I knew she would slip up. Apparently she knows it was wrong, she wanted to test the water and see if she could manage one. She is now on a back to basics with Al Anon and has to go back to square one.

I don't really cope with it. Ignorance is bliss for me, I don't speak with her and I only see her if I have to. In all honesty, I am waiting for the day that I get the call the worst has happened. There was a time I was willing that would happen. It sounds terrible I know, but she has ruined my parents lives for 2 years and cost them tens of thousands of pounds. I honestly think life would be easier without her. I have seen her in a complete mess, the only time I have really seen drunks is on a night out but she was something else.

All the people who live with and deal with alcoholics in their lives, I salute you. Its the most awful thing to cope with x

 

[Gym&Tonic]

I have a functioning alcoholic parent. Well I say functioning, they are not the cusp of becoming a non functioning one now. Totally in denial, gets very defensive and angry when challenged about it however on occasion will admit they drink too much make attempt to stop for a few days then fall off the wagon again. Ive lost count of the number times they’ve shown themselves up, they are an absolute fucking embarrassment but I’ve had to detach myself because until they want to give up they can’t.

 

[Gembo]

That sounds very familiar, minus the stopping for a few days. Mine's going through enforced quitting currently - in hospital. I googled the withdrawal from alcohol symptoms and all occured, though denial is rife and it's just dehydration not the alcohol. Sending love.


I didn't know that was a thing either. She will blatantly lie and convinced herself she doesn't drink. There have been situations where she's replenished her drink several times in front of others and said it's the first drink (alcoholic or otherwise) since lunchtime.


Oh of that sounds so familiar too. Sending so much love. Do you mind if I ask if she drinks at home or out?

I wish alcoholics could see what it did to my mum. She ended up stuck in a bed on oxygen, soiling herself and required carers. All from drinking. And then she died and it wasn’t pleasant. I often looked at her thinking if people could see this it might stop them in their tracks

 

[Justhereforthebants]

Hi, came across this thread earlier and swayed on whether I should post or not. My mum is an alcoholic, mainly functions well in day to day life...has a job etc. Many people would never guess she has the issues that she does. My Mum’s problems began in my early teens, my brother and I would find empty glasses and bottles hidden around the house. She could turn quite nasty and call us names, more or less ruined every Xmas. She got arrested for drink driving, lost her licence then a few years later got sacked from her job as she was under the influence. She has a new job where they know nothing of this.

I’m 30 now, married with young kids but it has a massive strain on me. She’s such a nice person when sober, I speak with her daily on the phone and Mon-Fri she’s fine. As soon as the weekend hits she’s drinking from early in the morning and sleeps all afternoon. This cycle repeats time and time again. She has made herself so unwell, to a point she has called me in tears thinking she’s going to die. I can’t trust her to babysit my children because she would drink. People always say I’m too nice and should cut her off but I just can’t do it. I fear that her body will only take so much before it packs in.
Love to all of you in similar positions .

 

[Littl3mi55]

My mum is a recovering alcoholic.She drank around a litre of vodka each day all through my teens and 20s. She ended up in hospital quite a few times,due to being drunk and then having seizures, when she would give up for a week or 2 and her body couldn't handle it. I never used to know what to do in them situations ring an ambulance for her to get to the hospital or not too as I felt bad using the emergency services to help her when it was drink related. She was in hospital 4 times within 2 years due to the seizures and always went back to the drink. The last time when she got out of hospital I thought to myself 2 weeks and she will be back drinking herself to oblivion again. 4 years since March and she hasn't had a drop of alcohol and is a completely different woman. I spent my teenage years being embarrassed of her, not wanting my friends to come around the house incase they judged her but now all I have for her is love and pride for what she has achieved. Hopefully there will be light at the end of your tunnels one day too.

 

[Holidaybobs]

Being on tattle makes you realise how everyone is going through something in their own way. Everyone has a story and they aren’t always pleasant. My dad was an alcoholic and it took him quite quickly. He started drinking heavily when I was 10 and he passed away two weeks before I turned 14. His funeral was two days after my birthday. At the time I was numb from it and I’m ashamed to say I had disowned him at this point. But, I look back and realise I was only a child and had tried and pleaded so many times for him to stop but nothing ever sank in. He went to rehab a few times but, never any joy. I remember thinking, how could he do this to us, he always said my brother and I were his world so how could he hurt us so much. For years I bottled it up and never said anything about what happened, most people didn’t even know my dad had passed. When I would tell friends in conversation they would cry and I would feel nothing. It wasn’t until I got a bit older at 17 when I had almost an epiphany. I was on a pilgrimage in Lourdes helping the elderly with college (I’m not very religious by the way but, I’ve always been raised a catholic). One night we had a nighttime mass outside and lit some candles and was encouraged to share experiences we had. People started opening their hearts about family members they had lost and how they missed them. I didn’t say anything as it’s not my thing. But, quietly I took myself off, lit a candle and said, I forgive you dad. It felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. From then onwards, I realised that being an alcoholic is not a life choice and I believe it is a mental illness. Most people who have it have no control just like depression. Telling them to stop or cheer up will not work. It is so much more intricate than that. If I could give my younger self some wisdom, I would say to let the person know that you love them and you’ll always be there for them and remember the person they once were. Gently encourage them to get some help but, don’t push them as this usually backfires. But, most of all, don’t blame yourself or anyone else. It is never the answer and causes so much hurt. My auntie who is a horrible person blamed me and called me a murderer when my dad passed away. She said I should have done more as I was his baby girl. It’s always stuck with me. It’s 12 years today since my dad passed away and I can now openly talk about him with my family and friends in a positive light. Remembering all the cherished memories we were lucky to make. Even now I’m finding things out about him that I never knew and sharing anecdotes with my mum.

Sending my love to everyone dealing with this themselves or with someone they love

 

[Annie101]

I suggest you join Al-Anon, we have Zoom meetings on a daily basis, and Zoom meeting for beginners. Find a sponsor you trust for guidance and someone you can talk to someone that understands. My natural instinct when my husband drank and things got difficult at home was to not discuss it with anyone, his secret became mine. He stopped drinking but because he isn't working the program he is what you call a dry drunk. Luckily we don't have kids, but my friends and family do not know that i am married to an alcoholic - his shame became mine. I feel very isolated, fearful and stressed ALL the time. I am in Al-Anon but i do not reach out in bad times. I must admit that its the worst thing in life i am going through and will not wish it upon anyone. Luckily for me no physical abuse but the constant emotional abuse being with an alcoholic is breaking my heart and spirit every day. If i am honest i have thoughts about suicide because i do not have the strength and courage anymore, i am just tired. My self esteem went away, i am always doubting myself because he makes me believe i am the crazy one.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

*warning* I'm going to have a small vent.

So, I posted here in December about a situation that was happening in my life. You were all very helpful, thank you.
Except one, who suddenly seemed to change the thread from a support place for people who had alcoholic family members to a literal support thread for alcoholics.

I didn't say anything at the time, I felt it was better to just withdraw but now they have been identified as false I feel I can comment.

I already scrolled rapidly past this persons posts because I don't believe they were genuine but to have them suddenly appear on a help thread and detail it with massively triggering stuff was a problem for me.

I have no right to say what people can and can't post and I know that but sometimes it's so blatantly obvious these people are not real. They did not help me or my situation I requested help with.

I'm not really sure what my point is, sorry. Other that what a piss take and I'm very cross.

 

[Ponponpon]

Sending so much love to you all.

Thank you, and sorry - this is the only place i allow myself to vent

There's so many stories, perhaps we should change this into a support thread - a safe place to release where we can relate?

I am one.Its absolutely horrendous.Im sat in the hospital.Scratched my eye .dont know how.

Oh my goodness how are you? Are you out now?




After everyone else sharing, I guess I should share. My person is my mum. I'm an only child and my dad died when I was young so I was left dealing with it alone. I went through a period of not talking to her after asking her not to drink when she knew she'd see me and she refused. She said she didn't have a problem, it was in my head, she can drink if she wants to, she's an adult etc etc. We've talked a little bit over the last couple of years though it's a difficult relationship but it's never acknowledged.

The trigger for me starting this thread is that my mum is currently in hospital having had surgery after a fall. She claims she didn't fall over anything, trip or slip, she just fell. She also said she did it a day after her sister said did. She generally drinks from lunchtime > early hours on alternate days, and there were empty bottles in the sink. She called me 5 days later having been stuck on the floor. She told me that there were women burning something and a bird in the house, which she's now trying to say is dehydration. Course, what are side effects of alcohol withdrawal...vivid hallucinations! The hospital have diagnosed kidney damage too. She's very convincing when she says she doesn't drink, and whilst on one hand I think the hospital must know, she said she had a health MOT where bloods were taken and all was fine. Sometimes I really feel I'm made to think I'm going mad and it is my issue, not hers, but rationally I know that's from being a young child and being told by the person who you're supposed to trust beyond everyone else that it's my issue, you believe it, but that it's not the case... As a child I felt like I'd be left an orphan as she'd kill herself through her drinking and I'm having all those flashbacks. In the hospital she's on morphine for the main and on the phone, she sounds drunk and can be pretty incomprehensible and it's triggering me every time I speak to her. I'm so split trying to avoiding it and filled with anxiety about it all, so much so I'm not sleeping/eating/functioning well at all. Here endeth a boring tale of me.

 

[Raininvain]

Speaking as someone who's Dad was an total alcoholic and all I ever knew was him drunk, what I would strongly advise with anyone who is struggling badly with a partner with it is to leave them. I've said it before on here, then if they chose to stop drinking and address their issues etc you can look at things again if you wish to do so. Don't be wasting your life with someone who is a drunk and all that comes with this.

 

[Rose28454]

My hubby is 13 years dry today. If he can do it anyone can he was on the point of no return when he got sober

 

[Annie101]

Life with an alcoholic. Got home yesterday, he is still working from home re lockdown. I kiss him hello and asked him why our housekeeper has not cleaned our bedroom as yet. He looks at me with disdain and said it is your area to sort out. I asked housekeeper she said he was sleeping the whole day so she did not have access to room. He walks into the bedroom wildeyed, i ask him if he is in a mood. I get back, "dont ask, dont talk, do you want me to break every window and door in this house"? i am confused and afraid. I thought things are getting better. I am too nervous to say anything but okay. he leaves the room to go downstairs, come back and says - did you say anything, ready for a verbal attack. I am even more confused and said i didnt say anything. My heart and spirit breaks again. I go and have a bath, the scenario playing over and over in my mind. Once done i go to him, sit on the coffee table right in front of him. I tell him that i listened to lies for years, that i want to trust him. That we have a life that he rules with fear. If he is proud to be a man that makes his wife afraid instead of feeling loved and protected. I cry and leave, he throws sarcastic comments back to me. He gets cruel. A while later he comes up and tells me i blow things up out or proportion. i say because you never admit to what you are doing and/or saying. He walks away pissed off. I sleep in the guestroom afraid to leave room, and i pray and pray. Left the house without seeing him this morning and then later gets a text from him, saying he is disappointed in himself and of how he treated me. What can i say back, that everything is cool? Where does the feelings i have inside of me of reoccurring things that happens all the time go? Why do i need to be scared all the time and nervous about what i say or do. Why do i keep on loving him??

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Hope everyone is ok,

Just a little update from me. Very sadly my son's dad died last week. The combination of liver disease and Covid was too much. Fortunately my son got to say goodbye to him, thanks to the brilliant staff on the ward who wheeled his bed up to a full glass door so they could see each other.

 

[Death2unicorns]

Sending love to everyone.
My alcoholic sibling, who is now apparently 8 months sober, with one minor slip she says, was hospitalised over the weekend.

She was apparently being sick consistently and couldn't keep anything down. Called 111 and they sent an ambulance. She has a virus and gallstones, potentially gastroenteritis. Shamed to admit but I wasn't even bothered when my mum told me. I assumed it was alcohol related. I've googled and there is no link between gallstones and alcoholism. I still don't really care that she is ill though which isn't good on my part.

I am not convinced she stays sober. I read my mums messages (it went off when I was in her kitchen and she was walking the dog) there was an evening she should have been round for tea and didnt go, my mum had messaged her several times and no response. This is what used to happen when she was in drink. The messages said she was poorly being sick, she obviously was as she is now in hospital but I am still dubious.

Its so difficult. I know my mum is worried about her, but I just couldn't really care less so I struggle to empathise.

I can really relate to this, I’ve read through the thread and your experience of your alcoholic sister sounds so very similar to mine, and i would also have the same suspicions as you about whether she is drinking again

myself and my sister were only a year apart in age, we grew up as best friends, we done everything together and were very close when we were younger, I’m using the past tense now as she unfortunately died at the age of 30 from years of extreme alcohol abuse

I remember the numerous hospital admissions for withdrawal seizures or because she was basically unconscious from binging, the alcohol induced hallucinations, the drunken ranting phone calls in the middle of the night then having no memory of it the next day, the rehab stays which she ran away from after only a couple of days saying she didn’t want any help, one particular occasion she ran away from rehab with a heroin addict and shacked up with him, so yeah that was lovely for all the family: relieved at finally getting her into rehab and her saying she really wanted stop drinking to get a phone call after two days to say she had ran away with a heroin addict...

her life was an absolute train wreck towards the end, she was in terrible condition and had all the symptoms of liver failure, my mums nerves were shredded to pieces and her heart was broken, and it was me who had to break the awful news to her after finding her dead

I can understand the feelings of just not being bothered anymore, at some point you just have to start protecting your own heart and mental health by emotionally distancing yourself, I went through a really bad couple of years were my nerves were in pieces, I constantly felt ill and couldn’t eat, dreaded the phone ringing, dreading even asking family if they had heard from her, couldn’t focus at work, eventually I had to stop thinking about her problems and start focusing on building my own life, especially as I had tried to help her so many times and had it thrown back in my face

reading through this thread has bought back some terrible memories and reading how some of you have been affected by an alcohol parent absolutely breaks my heart, your parents are the people who are meant to love you and protect you and put your welfare above and beyond anything else, I’m sorry some of you on here did not get that from your mother/father, I hope you can all find some level of peace and healing

So here's my update on my person (sister) she did 6 months detox/rehab and has been out since June. One slip up which she admitted to, I've had my doubts on a number of occasions. I always get a 'feeling' when something is on the horizon. Hard to explain as I don't even see her now, but I just know when she is off the rails.
Well, she has been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks, went in all gung ho and has had 2 weekends away with him. We all said it was too soon, this guy was a recovering addict himself. Whilst he seemed nice and was treating her well, it just didn't sit right for any of us. Anyway, he called it a day on Thursday after she had been in hospital for gastroenteritis. He has had a relapse and said the relationship was too much.
My mum walked round to hers and she suspected that evening she had been drinking. She left her to it. She is supposed to see her child today, supervised by my mum. My mum walks round this afternoon, no sign of her. Looks through the windows and cannot see her, apparently bottle of drink on the lounge floor and lounge is in a mess. She didn't turn up to contact. My mum walks round a few hours later, she is on the floor, duvet over her. My mum shouted through the window that she had missed contact and she shouts back 'f off I am still alive'
My mum is just consumed by this. Its clear she is slipping back to old ways. The sleeping, not answering phones, the messy house etc. I feel for my mum and dad, they've paid tens of thousands of pounds for her rehab and she has blown it now.
She will drink her self to death, thats my belief now. She was warned in rehab that she was close to some major health issues.
Its soul destroying having her in my family, she consumes my mum with worry. She just shouldn't be allowed to do this.

I just wanted to vent really xxx

Oh just seen this update, so clearly your intuition was right then, yes it is absolutely soul destroying, that’s why you get to a point where you begin to emotionally distance yourself, I feel awful for your poor mum, Ive been there myself with my own mum, watching her trying to hold back tears after finding out sister was in hospital, or ran away from rehab etc, she also ended up looking after sisters child, and there are major health and behavioural complications with the child, you are right, they shouldn’t be allowed to do it, I still hold a lot of anger about everything my sister has done even now 5 years on from her death, I really hope your sister can sort herself out, I don’t understand how people can live like that

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Can we not go and turn this thread into one about that person, they have taken over so many other threads but this one is too important and too raw for me and so many other people. It’s not a gossip thread, it’s for people who have lost loved ones or are struggling with someone in their family dealing with Alcoholism and I don’t want anyone to feel like that’s being overshadowed by gossip

 

[Gembo]

I have a close family member who is an alcoholic in denial (and has been for as long as I can remember). I certainly won't be alone. I don't want sympathy, but I wanted to enquire about coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms have been to distance myself, not to deal with them when drunk - so perhaps matching their denial with my own!

Is anyone else willing to share?

I have a fair bit of experience with this sadly. Usually I would say Al Anon is a great place to start but I think meetings are suspended due to covid but might be worth checking. There are books on amazon and lots of videos on youtube. I’m so sorry that you are going through this its very difficult. Remember you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Your coping mechanisms don’t sound wrong at all, they sound quite strong I think. It’s not easy to be around an alcoholic especially one that’s in denial x

 

[Ponponpon]

I have a close family member who is an alcoholic in denial (and has been for as long as I can remember). I certainly won't be alone. I don't want sympathy, but I wanted to enquire about coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms have been to distance myself, not to deal with them when drunk - so perhaps matching their denial with my own!

Is anyone else willing to share?

 

[Gembo]

Oh I'm so sorry Sending so many virtual hugs.

This thread is so sad.

Thank you, it’s very fresh and recent for me and I’m having a hard time coping with it. My Nan died exactly the same way and I lived through that as she lived with us, that was in my teens. The people left behind are left with so much guilt and the desperate feeling there must have been more they could have done. I feel like the things I saw will haunt me forever. Anyway sorry a bit deep but I do know what you’re dealing with x

 

[Jenna89]

My best friends husband is an alcoholic. He drinks every day - goes to the pub daily for pints and comes home and drinks maybe 8 cans with 8 whiskeys everyday. And he’s a very nasty drunk. Screams abuse at her, degrades her, curses at her, tells her he wants to die all the time. He won’t admit he has a problem and he’s never sober enough to have an honest heart to heart with. My friend is so depressed (diagnosed and she is seeing her doc regularly) but she’s lost so much weight and seems a shell of a person now. I don’t know what to do to help her. She won’t leave him even though I’ve offered her support and a place to stay numerous times. I try to take her out if the home for dinners or shopping days but these are the only hours of respite she gets. I fear he’ll be the death of her.
Alcoholism is just horrid for all involved.

 

[Jess1991]

My mum was an alcoholic. From about the age of 12/13 I saw her completely change from my outgoing, sociable, happy mum to someone who I didn’t even recognise. She and my dad would argue constantly, Christmases and birthdays were ruined and life was pretty awful. I would always forgive her because I knew when she was sober how lovely she was but my sister wanted nothing to do with her. She couldn’t see how it was ruining our lives and carried on despite us all willing to help her. Her and my dad split up, and my sister who’s no longer with us cut contact with her. It was just me who wanted to still have a relationship with my mum as I was only 15 and needed her. She suffered a huge stroke in 2011 and I thought that would be a wake up call after 2 weeks in hospital, but she got home and continued to drink. I slowly gave up as I had a full time job and a boyfriend and I physically didn’t have the strength to see it or go through it anymore. We lost her in 2012, I miss her dreadfully but there would never of been anything I could of done to stop her.

Sorry for the life story but I would just say from my experience to look after yourself most importantly and take care x