Alcoholism

[37BBL]

I've 100% been there with wishing my person dies. I think it pretty much every day to be honest. It sounds horrible and I would never say it out loud to any friends because they wouldn't understand at all. I've told my husband and he said he knew where I was coming from, but he thinks I don't really mean that. I totally do, when someone brings so much pain, trauma and hurt to you and other family members, and they won't change no matter what, you wish the worst things because nothing else would make the situation stop.

My person has scarpered now to another city to go and meet her friends from rehab. My mum has had several messages saying she is sorry and is now sober and will never drink again. Heard it all before and I don't buy it for a second.

Sadly my mum will probably be taken in by the lies and will give her another chance, to then be left heartbroken again when she messes up.

Sending love to you all xxx

 

[Definitelyme]

I've 100% been there with wishing my person dies. I think it pretty much every day to be honest. It sounds horrible and I would never say it out loud to any friends because they wouldn't understand at all. I've told my husband and he said he knew where I was coming from, but he thinks I don't really mean that. I totally do, when someone brings so much pain, trauma and hurt to you and other family members, and they won't change no matter what, you wish the worst things because nothing else would make the situation stop.

My person has scarpered now to another city to go and meet her friends from rehab. My mum has had several messages saying she is sorry and is now sober and will never drink again. Heard it all before and I don't buy it for a second.

Sadly my mum will probably be taken in by the lies and will give her another chance, to then be left heartbroken again when she messes up.

Sending love to you all xxx

I cannot imagine how hard it must be for your mum to watch a child going through that. Unlike with other relationships where you can step back, I imagine trying to step back from your own child is almost impossible.

 

[leapricot]

It’s such a comfort to know that there is people who understand this too. Sometimes I get in such a rut thinking about how I maybe don’t ‘help’ him enough, speak to him enough etc. But what can I do? We’re the children in the relationship and they are supposed to be the parent and yet it is always on us to contact them or try to help. And it feels like a slap in the face when I hear what his ‘reasons’ are for being an alcoholic because it is petty things like not having gotten enough attention from his dad when he was younger or being in love with a girl who he never married Like.... what do they think they are doing to us, trauma wise???? Having an alcoholic parent is really one of the worst things that can happen to a person and it amazes me how they always internalise their pity instead of thinking for one second about how it affects people around them.

Oh well "lucky" you that your dad has "reasons" for it because my dad doesn't even acknowledge his problem when he is sober. I had a chat with him about a month ago where he was drunk and he half told me that he lost everything (his company, my mom after a divorce, and ultimately me, because I have been in the UK for 5 years and I don't come back that often) so that would be his "reason".
I feel very responsible for him and I don't think we should?
He goes to a pub not far from where he lives and he fell in love with the landlady (who's married with a kid) and because of her situation, I am sure she only uses him as bait so he can spend money in her pub. I am going there next week and I think I will have a word with her.
He has 2 car accidents in the past year because he drives home blind drunk. And he has had his license taken once last year but as soon as they gave him back he was back on the road.

I think, there is only so much you can do and only he can help himself... Is your dad willing to go to rehab?

 

[ciasnespodenki]

My uncle was an alcoholic, it ruined his life. He was a very intelligent young guy with good work possibilities but drinking was more important. I knew something was wrong ever since I was 5 years old. Each time he visited my parents he already seemed a bit drunk and always had a bottle of vodka with him, anything could be a reason to have a drink. I remember always feeling scared around him, always a bit distanced from him and even as a kid I tried to make my parents see what's going on. I don't want to use stereotypes but I think it's worth mentioning that in Poland we have big drinking culture so when he came over with vodka nobody was surprised - it was 'normal' that each time he came over they were drinking. My parents thankfully weren't big drinkers, they couldn't handle more than 3-4 shots and over time they realised I was right and that my uncle had a big problem. Unfortunately after many fights and my uncle being mad at my family and not talking to us for years, he started getting out of control, drunk driving, spending all the money for alcohol his body finally gave up. He ended up in a hospital and all his organs started failing, after 10 months in hospital he died.

I'm all grown up now (well sort of - 25 years old), I avoided alcohol for as long as I could. I decided growning up I would never touch vodka. And again drinking culture and uni got best of me and I started binge drinking. I always had a limit - always had a moment where I thought "ok I'm drunk, I can't have anymore or I'll get sick" which reassured me that I don't have a problem.
And then one day I found out I have hypertension, started taking meds and it made me change a lot of my habits and was a breaking point. I gave up the drink 1,5 year ago.

During the 18 months I've been sober I allowed myself to have a drink for a special occasion - had one glass of champagne on New Years Eve and a sad little beer during my quarantine birthday (I was looking forward to going out with friends and having one fancy cocktail that's why it was a sad beer ). The day I decided to stop binge drinking I knew it's not like I'm never going to drink again, I just didn't want alcohol to be such a big part of my life. At times it was very hard not to order a beer or wine when out with friends and everyone around me was having a pint, my hand were itching for a drink. But I knew that if I drink in front of people once they will know I drank and next time we saw each other it would be hard to explain why I'm not drinking. So I didn't. And I won't. That glass of wine 2-3 times a year will be my only contact with alcohol.


/sorry if this is hard to read, english is not my first language

 

[northernspaces]

Oh well "lucky" you that your dad has "reasons" for it because my dad doesn't even acknowledge his problem when he is sober. I had a chat with him about a month ago where he was drunk and he half told me that he lost everything (his company, my mom after a divorce, and ultimately me, because I have been in the UK for 5 years and I don't come back that often) so that would be his "reason".
I feel very responsible for him and I don't think we should?
He goes to a pub not far from where he lives and he fell in love with the landlady (who's married with a kid) and because of her situation, I am sure she only uses him as bait so he can spend money in her pub. I am going there next week and I think I will have a word with her.
He has 2 car accidents in the past year because he drives home blind drunk. And he has had his license taken once last year but as soon as they gave him back he was back on the road.

I think, there is only so much you can do and only he can help himself... Is your dad willing to go to rehab?

That’s something that I hate - they don’t seem to realise other peoples reactions?? Like they don’t understand a situation because they are drunk and its embarrassing to be witness to. That lady should be ashamed of herself for taking advantage of your dad like that....

Waiting for my dad to get in an accident too. Its only inevitable and the only thing I can do is refuse to get in the car with him if he is drunk or threaten to phone the police if he does drive anywhere but it is hard because we dont live together so I dont know when it happens most of the time.

He was in rehab for the first time before lockdown then relapsed during lockdown. He blames being in on his own, says that lockdown was the worst thing to ever happen to him () and yet I know for a fact he was always out the house food shopping, cycling drunk, golfing, seeing women etc.

My uncle was an alcoholic, it ruined his life. He was a very intelligent young guy with good work possibilities but drinking was more important. I knew something was wrong ever since I was 5 years old. Each time he visited my parents he already seemed a bit drunk and always had a bottle of vodka with him, anything could be a reason to have a drink. I remember always feeling scared around him, always a bit distanced from him and even as a kid I tried to make my parents see what's going on. I don't want to use stereotypes but I think it's worth mentioning that in Poland we have big drinking culture so when he came over with vodka nobody was surprised - it was 'normal' that each time he came over they were drinking. My parents thankfully weren't big drinkers, they couldn't handle more than 3-4 shots and over time they realised I was right and that my uncle had a big problem. Unfortunately after many fights and my uncle being mad at my family and not talking to us for years, he started getting out of control, drunk driving, spending all the money for alcohol his body finally gave up. He ended up in a hospital and all his organs started failing, after 10 months in hospital he died.

I'm all grown up now (well sort of - 25 years old), I avoided alcohol for as long as I could. I decided growning up I would never touch vodka. And again drinking culture and uni got best of me and I started binge drinking. I always had a limit - always had a moment where I thought "ok I'm drunk, I can't have anymore or I'll get sick" which reassured me that I don't have a problem.
And then one day I found out I have hypertension, started taking meds and it made me change a lot of my habits and was a breaking point. I gave up the drink 1,5 year ago.

During the 18 months I've been sober I allowed myself to have a drink for a special occasion - had one glass of champagne on New Years Eve and a sad little beer during my quarantine birthday (I was looking forward to going out with friends and having one fancy cocktail that's why it was a sad beer ). The day I decided to stop binge drinking I knew it's not like I'm never going to drink again, I just didn't want alcohol to be such a big part of my life. At times it was very hard not to order a beer or wine when out with friends and everyone around me was having a pint, my hand were itching for a drink. But I knew that if I drink in front of people once they will know I drank and next time we saw each other it would be hard to explain why I'm not drinking. So I didn't. And I won't. That glass of wine 2-3 times a year will be my only contact with alcohol.


/sorry if this is hard to read, english is not my first language

Your relationship with alcohol is what I want mine to look like! They say it’s hereditary in families so it is amazing you have stopped drinking in its path I want to just have a couple of drinks to unwind and enjoy but not get blackout drunk everytime I go out with friends.

 

[leapricot]

That’s something that I hate - they don’t seem to realise other peoples reactions?? Like they don’t understand a situation because they are drunk and its embarrassing to be witness to. That lady should be ashamed of herself for taking advantage of your dad like that....

Waiting for my dad to get in an accident too. Its only inevitable and the only thing I can do is refuse to get in the car with him if he is drunk or threaten to phone the police if he does drive anywhere but it is hard because we dont live together so I dont know when it happens most of the time.

He was in rehab for the first time before lockdown then relapsed during lockdown. He blames being in on his own, says that lockdown was the worst thing to ever happen to him () and yet I know for a fact he was always out the house food shopping, cycling drunk, golfing, seeing women etc.

Your relationship with alcohol is what I want mine to look like! They say it’s hereditary in families so it is amazing you have stopped drinking in its path I want to just have a couple of drinks to unwind and enjoy but not get blackout drunk everytime I go out with friends.

They always have good excuses don't they...

I just wish that he has another car accident and that they sentence him to a bit of prison to teach him a lesson (I know it sounds harsh but it seems that nothing is working anyway).
He had found another job about 3 years ago but he got sacked because of his alcoholism.
Yesterday I called my nan and I spoke to him and he was obviously drunk. When I hung up the phone, all the things I kept for myself during the past year had just come out and I couldn't stop crying.

During the 18 months I've been sober I allowed myself to have a drink for a special occasion - had one glass of champagne on New Years Eve and a sad little beer during my quarantine birthday (I was looking forward to going out with friends and having one fancy cocktail that's why it was a sad beer ). The day I decided to stop binge drinking I knew it's not like I'm never going to drink again, I just didn't want alcohol to be such a big part of my life. At times it was very hard not to order a beer or wine when out with friends and everyone around me was having a pint, my hand were itching for a drink. But I knew that if I drink in front of people once they will know I drank and next time we saw each other it would be hard to explain why I'm not drinking. So I didn't. And I won't. That glass of wine 2-3 times a year will be my only contact with alcohol.

I am in the same situation as you. My relationship with alcohol has totally changed. I don't really drink anything. Perhaps once or twice a year I would get really drunk but that's about it. And I have always been funny to be around people who drink quite a bit (i.e my ex boyfriend was drinking quite a lot and I wasn't feeling comfortable with it at all, it's probably one of the reasons why I left).

Alcoholics people around us really do change our lives a lot... and perhaps not for the best..

Sending lots of love to everyone

 

[Raininvain]

My Dad was a problem drinker/alcoholic whatever you want to call it and was dead at 57. What I would say to anyone who goes through this with a family member is to forget them, they will do what they want to do whatever! Go live your life for yourself with people who are kind, caring and decent, not alcoholics and drug addicts who will just drag you down. Only the person can change, you cant do it for them.
One of my earliest memories is my Dad collecting me from primary school and he stumbled in the road because he was drunk and fell and knocked all his front teeth out on a curb!. I was so embarrassed when a woman came to help him. She didn't realize it was because he was out of it. Another time he nearly killed us both when he lost control of the car on ice after drinking and driving.
I've never really been a drinker and I dont drink at all now, I just dont like it and I dont like being around drunk people full stop.

 

[Ponponpon]

My Dad was a problem drinker/alcoholic whatever you want to call it and was dead at 57. What I would say to anyone who goes through this with a family member is to forget them, they will do what they want to do whatever! Go live your life for yourself with people who are kind, caring and decent, not alcoholics and drug addicts who will just drag you down. Only the person can change, you cant do it for them.
One of my earliest memories is my Dad collecting me from primary school and he stumbled in the road because he was drunk and fell and knocked all his front teeth out on a curb!. I was so embarrassed when a woman came to help him. She didn't realize it was because he was out of it. Another time he nearly killed us both when he lost control of the car on ice after drinking and driving.
I've never really been a drinker and I dont drink at all now, I just dont like it and I dont like being around drunk people full stop.

My mum used to drink drive with me in the car. Scared the living daylights out of me every second I was in the car. Side note - she was caught for drink driving in my teens, I was her defence. If I had known, I would have been telling the court her story was a lie.

Sending

 

[Scotty1976]

Key is to protect yourself before helping others. I grew up with an alcoholic father and met my ex who had only recently become sober.

The two experiences were very different but both just as hard. You’re watching someone destroy themselves as well as watching a partner you love find themselves again and battle with the idea that they’ve lost themselves without drink. You’re constantly on edge and worry for them when things get tough.

Both my dad and ex were so sure they were ‘fine’ and any suggestion that they weren’t was met with deaf ears or diversion onto what was wrong with me.

People can only change when they decide themselves to do so. You can give them the resources and point them in the right direction and be there when they need a shoulder to cry on but you must remember that they may return to their old ways one day and you really really have to protect yourself for when/if that day does come.



Loss is a hard thing to process and we all have different coping mechanisms to cope with it. You MUST remind yourself that you are your own person and not your Gran. Alcoholism doesn’t run in the blood, it can follow generations because of behaviour patterns seen in the early stages of development and throughout life.

This isn’t a bad thing you’ve noticed, this is in fact very good. You’re noticing a behaviour in yourself that isn’t good. It’s a signal to yourself that you’re creating a pattern that is self destructive and could ultimately lead to worse things. Right now you have the opportunity to tackle this.

Drink and drugs for the most part are used as a distraction to inner feelings that you can’t quite deal with right now. Perhaps you need to release the emotions you’ve felt after the bereavement? Or maybe you need to heal from the fear that one day you’ll end up like your Gran. Talking to someone will help, whether it’s a therapist or an anonymous person here! I personally use a few things such as CBD, yoga, swimming, CODA meetings (for codependency & for friends/family of alcoholics) and positive affirmations every night when I’ve felt low. It’s not easy, but they do help to reset negative thought patterns.

I wish you SO much happiness and hope.

Hi thought I would thank you again for your kind words.Due to covid it's been difficult to get our girl fostered at the moment .We have looked into her insurance and fingers crossed that it will cover at least most she will need fixed. I've stopped drinking,if I have my pup with me I don't want our time tainted with a hangover.I just hope it all works out .I've decided the oxytocin my brain releases when I pet and hug her is better and healthier than anything out if a bottle. I'm sending everyone my best wishes it's still such a unsettling time for everyone .Take care

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi everyone, hope you’re keeping well. I couldn’t think where to share my worries but then thought Of this thread and how useful I’ve found reading it.

I’ve mentioned before “my” alcoholic is my mum. I believe her to currently be sober but really who ever knows? One thing I constantly dread is a death in the family leading to her drinking again. Today we found out her brother, my uncle, has take his own life. It’s extremely unexpected and we are all knocked for six. Of course now my concern is her return to drinking.

Ive advised her to get in touch with her support system, but I know I’ll be worrying over the next weeks about how this will play out.

 

[ciasnespodenki]

Hi everyone, hope you’re keeping well. I couldn’t think where to share my worries but then thought Of this thread and how useful I’ve found reading it.

I’ve mentioned before “my” alcoholic is my mum. I believe her to currently be sober but really who ever knows? One thing I constantly dread is a death in the family leading to her drinking again. Today we found out her brother, my uncle, has take his own life. It’s extremely unexpected and we are all knocked for six. Of course now my concern is her return to drinking.

Ive advised her to get in touch with her support system, but I know I’ll be worrying over the next weeks about how this will play out.

So sorry to hear this. Lots of strength for you and your family!

 

[northernspaces]

Hi everyone, hope you’re keeping well. I couldn’t think where to share my worries but then thought Of this thread and how useful I’ve found reading it.

I’ve mentioned before “my” alcoholic is my mum. I believe her to currently be sober but really who ever knows? One thing I constantly dread is a death in the family leading to her drinking again. Today we found out her brother, my uncle, has take his own life. It’s extremely unexpected and we are all knocked for six. Of course now my concern is her return to drinking.

Ive advised her to get in touch with her support system, but I know I’ll be worrying over the next weeks about how this will play out.

Feeling for you, that is so difficult to go through. Especially when you don’t know what will trigger your person I hope you both cope with this time as well as can be done

 

[37BBL]

Hi everyone, hope you’re keeping well. I couldn’t think where to share my worries but then thought Of this thread and how useful I’ve found reading it.

I’ve mentioned before “my” alcoholic is my mum. I believe her to currently be sober but really who ever knows? One thing I constantly dread is a death in the family leading to her drinking again. Today we found out her brother, my uncle, has take his own life. It’s extremely unexpected and we are all knocked for six. Of course now my concern is her return to drinking.

Ive advised her to get in touch with her support system, but I know I’ll be worrying over the next weeks about how this will play out.

Im so sorry you have had a loss in the family.
I totally know what you mean about certain incidents prompting the drinking again. The worry is agonising and so draining. I would tell you not to worry but I know it isn't that easy and it will consume you. Try to just take some time for yourself if you can to take your mind off the worry even if its just for a few minutes xxx

 

[Definitelyme]

Thanks for the kind words, @37BBL @northernspaces @ciasnespodenki x

 

[Say What]

My paternal side has a long history with alcoholism. My grandad was an alcoholic and a nasty one too...violent, manipulative and extremely unpleasant. There was no choice but to keep a distance from him. My father at times was also drink dependent probably because of his tit childhood however he stopped drinking over 10 years ago when his dad died. Drink had a profound effect on my parents relationship when I was a child. It’s very hard as a child to witness this and I feel the pain people are talking about on here because you don’t forget those experiences. It’s not something my dad and I talk about but I do with my mum. If you can find someone to talk to process it then do it. I’m lucky my dad has stopped and I am grateful for that after reading some of your stories. Sending love to you all.

 

[Ladyinred]

My father was a high functioning alcoholic for almost all my life, then work could him drinking before his shift and he got fired, and that was the beginning of the end sadly. Even after losing him family, job, and house he still could admit he had a problem. We had all tried to get him help but he just wasn’t prepared for it. Sadly Christmas 2014 me and my sister where suppose to visit him and couldn’t get an answer on the phone for days, so my bf drove us to his bed sit, where we spent an hour trying to get dad to open the door, he did eventually and the smell was awful, the bed sit was trashed, vomit, shot, piss, mouldy food, it was heartbreaking to see, whilst dad went to bed, the 3 of us spent over 2 hours cleaning and cooking dad something to eat, which he didn’t eat. He then just started screaming that he needed more booze and we were horrible for not getting it for him, my sister was getting very upset and I needed to get her home and safe for her own mental health, so we told our dad when he is ready for help we will support him( as we had done our whole life) and to call us when he is ready, and we walked out. By the end of January there was a knock on the door at 10pm and it was my mum standing there and I just knew it was her coming to tell me my dad was gone. Apparently the letting agent had come round to do the year checks and let themselves in and found dad in bed, the coroner told us he had likely been dead for 48 hours and I’m so glad it wasn’t one of us that found him, I just wish he had got himself sorted, but only he could make that change, and sadly he was to far in denial until it was to late. There are days were i wish I hadn’t been so angry the last time I saw my dad but I did tell him a loved him which I alway will, I just hope he is looking down and is proud of me

 

[northernspaces]

My father was a high functioning alcoholic for almost all my life, then work could him drinking before his shift and he got fired, and that was the beginning of the end sadly. Even after losing him family, job, and house he still could admit he had a problem. We had all tried to get him help but he just wasn’t prepared for it. Sadly Christmas 2014 me and my sister where suppose to visit him and couldn’t get an answer on the phone for days, so my bf drove us to his bed sit, where we spent an hour trying to get dad to open the door, he did eventually and the smell was awful, the bed sit was trashed, vomit, shot, piss, mouldy food, it was heartbreaking to see, whilst dad went to bed, the 3 of us spent over 2 hours cleaning and cooking dad something to eat, which he didn’t eat. He then just started screaming that he needed more booze and we were horrible for not getting it for him, my sister was getting very upset and I needed to get her home and safe for her own mental health, so we told our dad when he is ready for help we will support him( as we had done our whole life) and to call us when he is ready, and we walked out. By the end of January there was a knock on the door at 10pm and it was my mum standing there and I just knew it was her coming to tell me my dad was gone. Apparently the letting agent had come round to do the year checks and let themselves in and found dad in bed, the coroner told us he had likely been dead for 48 hours and I’m so glad it wasn’t one of us that found him, I just wish he had got himself sorted, but only he could make that change, and sadly he was to far in denial until it was to late. There are days were i wish I hadn’t been so angry the last time I saw my dad but I did tell him a loved him which I alway will, I just hope he is looking down and is proud of me

Dont feel guilty, you sound like an amazing daughter who did everything they could. I’m so sorry you went through that. Addiction is truly awful

 

[Definitelyme]

My father was a high functioning alcoholic for almost all my life, then work could him drinking before his shift and he got fired, and that was the beginning of the end sadly. Even after losing him family, job, and house he still could admit he had a problem. We had all tried to get him help but he just wasn’t prepared for it. Sadly Christmas 2014 me and my sister where suppose to visit him and couldn’t get an answer on the phone for days, so my bf drove us to his bed sit, where we spent an hour trying to get dad to open the door, he did eventually and the smell was awful, the bed sit was trashed, vomit, shot, piss, mouldy food, it was heartbreaking to see, whilst dad went to bed, the 3 of us spent over 2 hours cleaning and cooking dad something to eat, which he didn’t eat. He then just started screaming that he needed more booze and we were horrible for not getting it for him, my sister was getting very upset and I needed to get her home and safe for her own mental health, so we told our dad when he is ready for help we will support him( as we had done our whole life) and to call us when he is ready, and we walked out. By the end of January there was a knock on the door at 10pm and it was my mum standing there and I just knew it was her coming to tell me my dad was gone. Apparently the letting agent had come round to do the year checks and let themselves in and found dad in bed, the coroner told us he had likely been dead for 48 hours and I’m so glad it wasn’t one of us that found him, I just wish he had got himself sorted, but only he could make that change, and sadly he was to far in denial until it was to late. There are days were i wish I hadn’t been so angry the last time I saw my dad but I did tell him a loved him which I alway will, I just hope he is looking down and is proud of me

That is just so awful, I’m so sorry for you and your family x

 

[Ladyinred]

That is just so awful, I’m so sorry for you and your family x

There was only going to be one outcome at the end of the day, the amount of time I went home and opened the door and the smell hitting me and I’m just thinking is this going to be the day I find my dad dead. It was something we all prepared ourselves for, but it was a shook when it actually happened. Mum had walked out on him about 7 years beforehand as she’d had enough but was still there for him as a friend, just couldn’t live with him.

my dad was never ever a violent man and was the sweetest man when not on the booze, sadly I thing he had mental health problems that he self medicate with booze!

 

[Definitelyme]

There was only going to be one outcome at the end of the day, the amount of time I went home and opened the door and the smell hitting me and I’m just thinking is this going to be the day I find my dad dead. It was something we all prepared ourselves for, but it was a shook when it actually happened. Mum had walked out on him about 7 years beforehand as she’d had enough but was still there for him as a friend, just couldn’t live with him.

my dad was never ever a violent man and was the sweetest man when not on the booze, sadly I thing he had mental health problems that he self medicate with booze!

That’s a similar story for my mum. She has mental health issues and the drinking ties in with that, which then makes the MH worse, leading to further drinking and a vicious circle. Very hard to break.