Alcoholism

[Katgotthekream]

I have a functioning alcoholic parent. Well I say functioning, they are not the cusp of becoming a non functioning one now. Totally in denial, gets very defensive and angry when challenged about it however on occasion will admit they drink too much make attempt to stop for a few days then fall off the wagon again. Ive lost count of the number times they’ve shown themselves up, they are an absolute fucking embarrassment but I’ve had to detach myself because until they want to give up they can’t.

Going through this exact thing at the moment, totally sick of the situation

 

[Mulholland Drive]

courage to change - Life is in a constant state of change. Awareness allows me/you to keep pace with that change. Today let me/you listen to my word and watch my actions, only by knowing, the person i am can i create the person i want to become. "each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered, it something molded.

Jy kan dit doen

Similarly there is an old South African proverb "After a foolish deed comes remorse!"

Not there yet, but I'm on my way

 

[Definitelyme]

I am 27, female and South African. Spent my university years mostly getting pissed out of my face (although I did get a 2:1 in Computer Sciences). After leaving university and finding regular FT employment I used to enjoy a bottle of Jacob's Creek white wine on almost a daily basis.

In fact I drank so much of it that I became addicted. I never ended up truly drunk as far as I know; and neither did I ever end up in hospital. But I just regarding drinking a bottle (sometimes two) of wine on a daily basis in the same way most people regarding drinking tea or coffee.

If I tried drinking beer or red wine or spirits, I would be all over the shop, completely out of my face, and all together a different, far less pleasant person by all accounts.

However, I gave up all spirits and wines a couple of years back when I decided to put my career and my relationships as a priority. So all good there then.

However, ever since this Covid thing, I have started to go back to my (bad) old ways of finding comfort in a bottle of JC despite keeping busy with my workload.

I think the more I read about how this pandemic is becoming more of a complete and utter disaster for everyone, the more I am starting to drink. And yet I really shouldn't have any need to feel so depressed because I have a job, my own home, a girlfriend, a fairly good and regular income, and my family and friends are all in good health (physically at least). But I just find myself turning to the wine again just because its there!

This morning I took an empty wine bottle from last night, and popped into the recycling tub where I found 13 other empty wine bottle that have accumulated since the last collection 2 weeks ago. And it really did finally sink in - that I was drinking THAT much in such a relatively short space of time. And only now have I acknowledged it.

Not quite sure where I'm going with this post. But at the very least I can use it as a bookmark so that I know where I stand and what I need to do next.

Please seek the help of your local AA chapter. If you are ready to acknowledge that your drinking is an issue, they can help you move forward. Please also speak openly and frankly with your loved ones. Most of us here are the loved one of an alcoholic, and the lies, secrecy and mistrust that comes with that is difficult. If you think anyone else has been affected by your drinking, it’s time to talk to them and ask them for help as you stop.

 

[37BBL]

Recently a friend of my partner and I, was admitted to hospital. He has quite a few health problems, some of them caused by excessive use of alcohol and cigerettes. He spent 21 days in hospital, with a severe urine infection. He was released last Friday with a bag of medication, and very little else.
His mental state since his release, has given us cause for concern, his memory is poor. When he was in hospital, he was having dreadful halucinations, he hasn't quite recovered from the trauma of being in hospital. An aquaintence of my partner, said he may be suffering from alcohol withdrawal.
Apart from a referral to social services about the friend's living conditions, we have received no support for his condition. I must point out, that the friend probably dosen't want to give up alcohol. He is 62, and is probably too set in his ways to change his lifestyle But he has no understanding of how it is impacting on his friendship with my partner - they have known each other since childhood.
My partner usually does the friends shopping, this used to include the purchase of alcohol. Like I have said, the friend's mental capacity since leaving hospital has not improved much. It may sound like a stupid question, but would a quantity of alcohol improve his mental capacity at this stage? My partner and I really need some advice and support. He sounds like a hopeless case, but he is still a human being.

My person was admitted to hospital several times and when released had very little help or medication. They consider it a medical detox and they seem to be sent on their way. Hallucinations are a common thing I believe, and are very scary when you are the one they are directing them at.
My understanding is that it is dangerous to completely withdraw with no medication, if they are someone who is so reliant on alcohol.
I admire your desire to support this person, they probably do not realise how lucky they are. You could try contacting AA or seeing if the person will allow you to accompany them to a GP phone call to see what support is available, at the very least they should offer some advice or signpost.

 

[MyLittlePony25]

Reading your story sounds a lot like me, it's always hardest at the start to quit but then as time passes your brain rewires itself and doesn't crave it anymore. Unfortunately I live with someone who binge drinks and I have joined in quite a few times. Luckily I recognise where this is heading and am going to just quit now for at least a month. I know they're gonna be upset about it but I can't slip back into my old ways.

Thankyou for sharing your story

It’s great that you can recognise when it is becoming a problem and are wanting to take the steps to stop it.
I used to go crazy at parties and binge drink so often but you are right, after a while something clicks in your brain and you don’t need it. Friends and family need to be understanding when it comes to abstaining from alcohol. Quite often I have had people encouraging me to drink and then complain when I have gone on a bender

stick to your guns and look after your mental and physical health. You’ve got this

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you. I would say once a fortnight.
He looked “well” when he was dry. Slim and healthy. But his face looks to me like he is drinking.

I think you get a sixth sense for it, there are those subtle changes that you pick up on which tell you it’s happening again.
If he denies it there isn’t much that you can do, which sucks. I guess maybe reach out and say that if things are tough for him right now, if he feels himself heading that way again, you are there for him.

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you both for replying. I knew I wasn’t just being ridiculous. She has said to me before “he doesn’t drink every night so it’s okay”. I know from my own issues it doesn’t need to be every night. Another thing is that he is managing to work okay during the week. But he spends all his money on going out and drinking…not saving up to move out or anything.

I feel like she is in denial and I don’t want to push her away

My mum is/was a functioning alcoholic. She went to work every day. And yet she was drinking to excess. Not all alcoholics are unable to hold down a job, your friend is totally misinformed, or in denial.

Sadly apart from pointing out his reliance, until he is ready to make any changes, there is nothing else to do.

 

[Gembo]

This made so much sense to me wow! When I would be having fun or buy anything nice for myself she would put me down and make me feel so awful. Like if she was depressed we all had to be, I know she was in such a horrible place so I can understand but that wasn’t right. I feel guilty even saying this

I still feel guilty when I talk about my parents but I was always made to feel guilty. Every now and then I do have moments where I feel so angry with them that I feel less guilty, but it is hard to say these things sometimes. It sounds like your mum was threatened by or jealous of you being happier than she was but that wasn’t your fault. It’s just so sad that they couldn’t get the help they needed for everyone to be able to be happier x

 

[Definitelyme]

Yeah, she got back yesterday night. I have yet to talk face to face with her because I’m so angry with her and her boyfriend is like “you have to be kind she is super sensitive” even though I am the one hurt by her actions, and he fails to comprehend why I am so angry, and hurt by this, he didn’t have to put up with decades of this shit before she got sober like I did, and I know for a fact if I see her I will just want to punch her into the face for pulling this shit again.

Sounds like her boyfriend is quite the enabler. Making excuses for her to you is ridiculous, saying she’s the one who is sensitive and you have to be kind is a slap in the face. That’s the sort of thing I wouldn’t be at all surprised to hear from an alcoholic (because of course they are NEVER in the wrong) but to hear it from him makes you wonder if he’s actually giving her support or just sitting back and letting it happen?

 

[CosmicCreepers]

Its really weird because when my brother drinks he actually becomes quite a sweet person but then when he goes past being just ‘drunk’ that’s when he becomes problematic. He says quite spiteful things, comes out with nonsense, he can’t participate in conversations as he’s too out of it. He’s gone from being quite attractive to having no real care for his personal hygiene, always looks pale and bloated. During the summer he was hiding bottles and cans. It’s got to a point my mum doesn’t even want to go out during the day. He busted his face when she was away, she popped out on Christmas Eve and he fell into (and broke) her 3 day old 50 inch tv. In the summer he was even drinking during the day. It’s an absolute fucking mess x



Its really weird because when my brother drinks he actually becomes quite a sweet person but then when he goes past being just ‘drunk’ that’s when he becomes problematic. He says quite spiteful things, comes out with nonsense, he can’t participate in conversations as he’s too out of it. He’s gone from being quite attractive to having no real care for his personal hygiene, always looks pale and bloated. During the summer he was hiding bottles and cans. It’s got to a point my mum doesn’t even want to go out during the day. He busted his face when she was away, she popped out on Christmas Eve and he fell into (and broke) her 3 day old 50 inch tv. In the summer he was even drinking during the day. It’s an absolute fucking mess x

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this...this is terrible. It can be so hard to talk to someone who just won't listen, it's tempting just to lash out and ask them what the f are you doing with your life?! But with addiction, the mind is essentially rewired and is constantly desiring the alcohol. Does your brother work out? I found that exercise helped me still get a good dose of dopamine and helped me feel lower stress levels.

 

[Rockin' Robin]

Recently a friend of my partner and I, was admitted to hospital. He has quite a few health problems, some of them caused by excessive use of alcohol and cigerettes. He spent 21 days in hospital, with a severe urine infection. He was released last Friday with a bag of medication, and very little else.
His mental state since his release, has given us cause for concern, his memory is poor. When he was in hospital, he was having dreadful halucinations, he hasn't quite recovered from the trauma of being in hospital. An aquaintence of my partner, said he may be suffering from alcohol withdrawal.
Apart from a referral to social services about the friend's living conditions, we have received no support for his condition. I must point out, that the friend probably dosen't want to give up alcohol. He is 62, and is probably too set in his ways to change his lifestyle But he has no understanding of how it is impacting on his friendship with my partner - they have known each other since childhood.
My partner usually does the friends shopping, this used to include the purchase of alcohol. Like I have said, the friend's mental capacity since leaving hospital has not improved much. It may sound like a stupid question, but would a quantity of alcohol improve his mental capacity at this stage? My partner and I really need some advice and support. He sounds like a hopeless case, but he is still a human being.

 

[Gembo]

Hope everyone is ok,

Just a little update from me. Very sadly my son's dad died last week. The combination of liver disease and Covid was too much. Fortunately my son got to say goodbye to him, thanks to the brilliant staff on the ward who wheeled his bed up to a full glass door so they could see each other.

Oh no I am so sorry to hear that. How is your son coping? How are you doing? Xx

 

[BettyCrockerr]

He never drinks around the kids. Between the hours of 7pm/until he passes out about 10pm he is disgusting. Next day he says he will quit. Rinse and repeat. But the rest of the time, hes funny, smart, loving. Like I said, he has got better since moving in with us, when he lived alone he was weeks away from killing himself, and Im very proud of how far hes come. Its just that final step of actually stopping. I just dont *get* drinking. I used to like a drink but havent touched it in months because I dont *need* it iykwim? I wish i could put my brain into his and vice versa so we could both understand better.

How old are the children? They WILL be aware of what’s going on, I can assure you.

Does he acknowledge that he is an alcoholic? Would he seek professional help?
Have you sought out professional support & help for yourself??

 

[Bellaboo83]

@Bellaboo83 Im so sorry you are going through such feelings of helplessness. .
You and your siblings have done all you can at this point.
Alcoholics are known to be extremely secretive and your story here proves that.
The fact your Dad is in hospital and the alcohol team are involved as well as the detox side of it is the best place for him at the moment. .
I wouldn't be at all surprised if he doesn't find himself eventually in a residential detox centre with all the specialist care he needs.
Please dont feel guilty . .
Sending you love.
Do keep us updated on your Dad Xx

Thank you so much for your reply, i have never heard of residential detox centres but I will look it up now, thank you for sharing that! I feel like that would be a good thing for him. Yes I'm pleased in a way that he is in the hospital, at least he is safe and being looked after and they are really going to town to make sure they haven't overlooked anything injury and health wise,its definitely the best place for him right now.

Oh my lovely, I am so so sorry for what you, your dad and your siblings have been through. It sounds absolutely horrendous, and you must feel so confused and devastated by it all.

Not the same, but my mum definitely hid her drinking from us even when she was telling us she was doing well, going to AA and getting help. She then attempted suicide which brought it all to the fore. So yes, they know how to hide it well, unfortunately.

It sounds as if he is in the right place and getting lots of great help. My mum also had to take detox meds, I’m not sure how they work either tbh, but I remember they made her very sleepy, and she had to be weaned off them.

It also sounds like you are doing, and have been doing, all you can to help. Don’t blame yourself for any of this. X

Thank you so much for replying, it's reassuring to hear that secrecy seems to be a pattern in these circumstances. I hope your mum is doing well now! Yes I agree he's in the best place right now, I feel relieved in a way that he's still in hospital at the moment because I know they are monitoring him and keeping him safe while he's there.

Firstly I am so sorry to read about this. Have you informed or asked for support from social services you can do so by local council websites.

Additions are so hard to break you need to get their want to stop drinking, that’s the most important step. Sitting with them and discussing the costs of drinking by cost I mean in terms of relationships, work, family and not just the physical cost of alcohol itself.

Then talk to them about the reasons why and think of reasons to over come it. It is a very hard process and not something I can give guidance with straight away but I hope that is a start.

Thank you for replying! I haven't contacted social services yet because the hospital said they were speaking to a team who make a plan for home care when he is discharged and I was a bit confused whether that's the same sort of thing as SS do or even if it's the same team.. I will write that on my list of questions for the ward when I call in the morning.

There has been suggestion of a lanyard with an sensor on it incase he falls and then regular care visits to check on him and make sure he is taking care of himself and his home. I think he really needs that now so again I will speak to the hospital to see how far they've got with that

Thank you, I definitely needed practical tips

I am so sorry to read your story. My situation isn't the same, I suppose no-ones is, but there are similarities. My sister hid it from us for so long. We had no idea at all, she would never invite us in her house but always had a reason that we believed, so we never questioned it.

When we realised how bad things were she refused anyone entry to the house. It took close on a year for her to go to rehab and detox. My parents had to pay professionals to gut her house it was so bad.

In my experience there is nothing you could have done. Your dad needs to make the decision to try and change. Even if you had been visiting every week, the chances are when you weren't there he would have been drinking.

The best thing I did was cut ties for a while. We are slowly rebuilding some sort of relationship now, but its been a very long time and a very slow process with some set backs. There is no rule book for dealing with these people, you just have to do what works for you and what helps you get through the days.


I'm wishing your dad well and I really hope you can try and take a bit of time for yourself too xxx

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I hope your sister is on the mend now! Honestly it's so helpful and a relief to know that keeping this a secret seems to be quote common. I feel like I've the weight of the world on me right now and knowing that lots of people do keep what's happening from their closest family is comforting because it takes off a bit of the blame I was putting on myself

Oh I’m so sorry, this brought tears to my eyes. To your question, yes! My dad moved out of our family home and a year later so did I. This left my brother and grandparents (it was a big house so half the house was ours and the downstairs was my grandparents). When my brother called the day she died myself and my dad hadn’t seen her for a month or so and we had no idea the state she was in, we had been the ones trying so hard to sort her out and for our own health had to leave. My brother shut himself in his room, my grandad is elderly and can’t go upstairs so my nan was the one looking after her, she’s elderly too. I feel so guilty still that I let her get in that state

What I’m trying to say is it’s not your fault. You did everything you possibly could to help him. Even during a lockdown, you did the best you could because visiting him may have caused more harm than good as alcoholics are really vunerable to getting the virus. The truth hurts, but if he wanted to tell you he would. If he wanted your help, he would have asked for it. He didn’t want the help and only he can decide and accept he needs it. He probably didn’t want you to see the state he was in because he loves you so much and wanted to protect you but also he could have been ashamed. You can’t control anyone elses actions but your own. Alcoholism is a disease and I doubt he would have even known how much of a state he was in, he probably would have been very withdrawn in his mind. All you can do is continue to tell him that you love him and when he’s ready you’re there for him. It’s so painful knowing there’s nothing you can do, but it’s the sad truth. He’s in the best place possible now to try and get a second chance at life. Continue to do what your doing but also put yourself first. I’ll be thinking of your family and pray he turns a corner

Thank you so much, your reply made me cry, the second part was just what I needed to hear, I'm going to screen shot that part and re-read when I'm blaming myself or going over and over what more I could have done, you've put it into words that just make sense for me.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Thank you for sharing that with me. It's helped a lot xx

 

[Ponponpon]

I do understand how you feel. There were occasions my mum was hospitalised that I didn’t go and see her. I did care but kind of felt like I didn’t, I think it was just the exhaustion of it and there were occasions it overlapped with having to deal with things in my own life as well. It was all too much. Also my experience is that alcoholics are amongst the worlds best liars. The stuff that my mum used to say and I remember family members having to ensure they were at consultant appointments with her because she would lie about how much she was drinking. I never really knew what to believe half the time but I know I didn’t trust her.
How you’re feeling is totally normal.

They're so convincing aren't they? I've said within this thread my mum has kidney damage, but of course it's tablets she's been on and short term dehydration. She's said that's what the doctors said. Naturally I have my own opinions and think the doctors must know but when she's so convincing how can they be sure?

 

[37BBL]

I dont ever share the details at al-alnon, i went for counselling for 8 months without admitting to her that my husband is an alcoholic. I go and listen to stories of other people to give me courage and then of course the happy stories to give me hope.

Didn't want to read and not comment. You are in my thoughts and I'm sending you love and hope.
If you need to chat off the forum I am more than happy to private message xxx

 

[Ponponpon]

No no don’t say sorry you didn’t upset me it’s just a bit hard for me but I wish I could help you. Gosh please don’t feel bad this is your thread and I will try to help where I can but may dip in and out

You need to do as is best for you. I do hope you're ok xx

I hope you have a lot of support.That sounds so hard.I didn’t have children because of my alcoholism.I actually thought you should have ended that sentence with here is a BRAVE tale of me.

Oh goodness. Did you feel you wanted children? How is your eye?

 

[JoeBloggs]

I assume when you talk to him he is sober? For him to say it’s not about your feelings is just unreal. It is so unfair to you, it minimises everything you go through, and all without the self medication that he uses to manages his pain. You are married, both of you count equally and if he genuinely doesn’t think that when he is sober, then that would be a big red flag for me.

Your feelings are valid, and they do count, no matter what he says. Have you anyone to talk to about this? I wish I could give you a magical answer to cure it all. But alcoholism is just life destroying, and the worst bit is that they seem to LET it destroy them, with no care for the rest of us.

Yes generally when sober, he has this habit of whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he tells me to calm down or not now or he’s depressed so he can’t deal with it. I know it’s wrong, and I think deep down I know I should walk but I don’t want to.

I don’t really have anyone, my parents have an awful marriage and my mums attitude is very much just carry on. I have told my friends a few bits but I don’t want them to think badly of him. He’s not a bad person and on the outside we have a lovely relationship.

That’s it isn’t it, it’s seems like he’s letting it destroy his life, his relationship, his job everything. His mum went through the same thing as she refused to seek help and her partner (very lovely man) left her.

Thank you so much for your words. I feel so empty.

 

[Littl3mi55]

What an incredible story, I'm so pleased for you and your family.
[/QUOTE]

Thank you! It was a long journey with lots of mixed emotions: anger that she wouldn't stop for her family no matter how we pleaded. Sadness, that she felt that was the only way she could numb herself from her feelings. Confusion as to why she was doing it. When I would ask she just said she didn't know. Worry, that I would get a phone call any day with bad news. But still a huge amount of love for her, wanting her to get better but knowing it wouldn't happen until she was willing to do it herself.

 

[Gembo]

I am so sorry for your loss. Alcoholism is a cruel disease, and alcoholics are so good at hiding it that many times people have no clue at all. You can’t put any blame on yourself. X

Thank you, the guilt of not replying to that last message is killing me. She was mostly normal in it but talked about wanting to meet up, I don’t think it was a plea for help at all but I hope she realised that I didn’t reply because of what I was going through at the time. I keep telling myself that there were people on her radar far bigger than me. I wish I could tell her I’m sorry. I know there’s nothing I could have done, I’m just so sad for her. She didn’t deserve this. I’m going to pay more attention to my friends going forward, look for the clues just in case there are any.