Alcoholism

[CosmicCreepers]

Hi everyone, my dad has a drink problem but it’s very hard because he is a binge drinker, ie will be sober for months then will ’go on the drink’ for weeks at a time. This has gone on for years and Is very emotionally draining as I’m sure you all understand. I am always on edge, we have a very good relationship but I am finding it really hard at the moment. im wondering if anyone else is finding lockdown having a bigger impact on their alcoholic parent? I’ve tried to explain that everyone is struggling. At times I just feel helpless knowing that this will be my life forever.

Not my parent but this was me...I did have a problem and I kept it hidden I was very close to needing therapy, but somehow I pulled myself out of it...I can't really explain how I just kept thinking of my Grandma who died in 2015...I know she would be looking down on me ashamed and disappointed. I wanted to be me again...I tried for ages to say it was "normal" as I could go without for weeks but when I drank again it was absolutely loads.

I'm so sorry it's gotten worse through lockdown, this is something I've seen a lot of people struggle with especially with alcohol and drugs. Do you find anything in particular happens around the time your Dad does these binges or is it completely out of the blue and random? Just know you're absolutely not alone, we are all here for you

 

[Happyvalley]

Hey all. I don’t know if it’s in the genes but it seems familial. My husbands mum is a big drinker. He is a functioning drinker. He drinks approx half a litre of rum a night. He’s a decent guy hard working, kind, thoughtful. When he has had a few he doesn’t get drunk in a way that i would if I’d had a few. He may slur his speech but the worse thing is he gets mean, he will stew on things and just be mean. But it’s mean in an insidious way.....not sure if I’m describing it well. He sleeps so restlessly and therefore is tired every day. when we are out walking he has to stop moving if he can feel his bowels move as he can’t be sure he won’t soil himself. He recognises there is a problem but will recognise it and then say “but I do a lot of good things” like these good things cancel out the damage his drinking does to him. He is 43 now and scared of dying early, his dad died at 62 of a heart attack. I find it very very hard to understand, I don’t drink at home, I just go out once a month with friends and we have a lovely social time, get a bit merry and enjoy eachitherss company. He won’t drink in front of others and gets anxious if we stay out too late. I think the anxiety is really alcohol withdrawal. I’ve read all the comments about al anon so i will be looking into this for my own sanity. If you’ve read this far thank you. Its hard as I don’t have anyone to be completely honest to about this as he would be so upset and embarrassed if I shared

It sounds like he’s beginning to recognise the issue, would he accept you sitting him down and really telling him how strongly you are concerned and worried about him? And that’s it’s time to seek help? Easier said than done I know and I know the drinker has to be ready to stop and seek help. Good luck with it, you’re not on your own.

 

[petitspois]

I’ve never written this down before. On paper I have a serious alcohol problem but I just can’t stop as I need that final kick up the arse.
My problem is that I don’t wake up with hangovers, don’t embarrass myself, manage to do my full time job fine and it doesn’t give me anxiety or other issues with my personality. Therefore, I confess that I still love it. I love the feeling of the first drink and how relaxed I feel as the night wears on. I completely accept I’m ruining my health and can’t carry on like this.
I follow several sober accounts on Instagram which are really interesting but they all talk about the dread of waking up the next day and using alcohol to mask insecurity whereas I just like it and wake up ok. Herein lies my problem.
I’m wondering if I should pay for a liver scan to scare me.
Any non-judgemental advice much appreciated.

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi everyone, hope you all doing well. I have realise that being an alcoholic comes with being a narcissist. My husband stopped drinking, his behaviour did not change, There is an anger inside of him and i am sure working from home for 16 months is not helping. He reminds me of Jack Nicholson in The Shinning. I am terrified of him, he can go through stages of ignoring me for weeks as punishment because i spoke up whilst he is angry. i wish i could just shut my mouth and take it at the time. He micro manages me which i find degrading as I am in a high level position at work and treated like a child at home. He takes no accountability for his actions. He made his wishy washy amends to me, which i tore up and gave back to him as the 3 short paragraphs cannot take the pain away he caused. I am left so resentful, alone, angry and heartbroken. Will it ever change? I am so F*cked up by all of this

Oh Annie I am so sorry to hear this. Your life is worth so much more than what you are getting from your marriage. You sound so miserable, and you deserve to be happy. I think the real possibility is if his drinking hasn’t caused his behaviour, if it’s the same without the alcohol, then this is just who he is now. X

 

[ciasnespodenki]

Hi everyone, hope you’re keeping well. I couldn’t think where to share my worries but then thought Of this thread and how useful I’ve found reading it.

I’ve mentioned before “my” alcoholic is my mum. I believe her to currently be sober but really who ever knows? One thing I constantly dread is a death in the family leading to her drinking again. Today we found out her brother, my uncle, has take his own life. It’s extremely unexpected and we are all knocked for six. Of course now my concern is her return to drinking.

Ive advised her to get in touch with her support system, but I know I’ll be worrying over the next weeks about how this will play out.

So sorry to hear this. Lots of strength for you and your family!

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Just keep going hun. My sibling is an alcoholic. Spent 7 months in rehab, relapsed several times in the last 5 months since coming out. I can't relate at all, I Dislike her more than you could imagine, as she has done some truly awful things and caused an unimaginable amount of pain.
You sound like you aren't at that stage and I really hope you can get through with the correct help and support. Keep using your work as a distraction.
Xxx


I read a quote once which said something like, alcoholics are the most selfish people and don't think of the hurt and pain they cause but they expect everyone to sacrifice things when they decide they want to change. Its stuck with me ever since I read it.
It certainly isn't your fault he drank and you cannot be to blame.
We are all here for you to talk to x

Thank for your kind words, and i am so sorry/shocked regarding the troubled times for your sibling. I really hope I do not go down a similar path, although I must confess that this morning I drove to my local store (15 miles away) and bought 2 cases of wine!

As soon as I returned home I'd almost finished one bottle, such was my need for pure undiluted alcohol. And despite keeping busy with my workload, it is inevitable that I will be starting on my 2nd bottle at some point this afternoon, leaving me with 10 bottle to get me through the weekend and beyond.

The only upshot is that I hope to fly out to South Africa in early December once this lockdown is lifted. I'll be there for 2 or 3 months, so perhaps that will take my mind off things, especially the better weather, the change of scene and being with my family and friends

 

[Happyvalley]

Found out this morning my Mother who has been an on/off alcoholic my entire life is back on the drink. She has been asking her domiciliary care workers to buy it for her. I think that's what annoys/upsets me the most about it all - how desperate can you get? How embarrassing? How dare they for doing it?

When I confronted her about it, she blamed it on lockdown and said she hadn't drank in ages. It's been a week - I can't stand the lying. And there is always an excuse. If it's not lockdown, it's something else.

I got so angry and began shouting at her.. any wonder my brother is so f*cked up etc. And now I am in this awful cycle of feeling angry, reacting and then feeling guilty for it. All these emotions feel like a big knot in my chest. This same scenario reoccurs every few months and the feelings are always as strong each time.

Have been a long time lurker of this thread but just really needed to vent after this morning and I figured people here would get it more than most.. I hope you are all doing ok and thank you for making me realise I'm not alone in this.

I’m cross for you that the carers are enabling her by buying the alcohol! I remember well the disappointment of the alcoholic deciding to drink again, it’s such a kick in the gut. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I find myself looking back and feeling angry at shopkeepers and other people who would buy my mum alcohol. When I was 10 she would send me to stand outside the shops until I saw someone I recognised and I’d have to ask them whether they could go inside and get my mum some cider. Some shopkeepers would just let me have it if I passed them a note from my mum. Different times I know but I still feel so annoyed about that and cross at the dangerous situations I was put in.

 

[Definitelyme]

That is so very true and really good to remember when times are tough. I spoke to my Mum today and she had heard from mt sister, all she got was 'im sorry' no admittance that she had relapsed so we don't know, very likely she did. My Mum replied saying you always are sorry. Shes heard nothing more as yet. I said just try and clear your mind, have a nice evening and remember this isnt your fault.

Sending love. It’s Friday, hopefully your hard work week has been left behind and you can enjoy a nice weekend xx

 

[Mulholland Drive]

I think it might be advisable for you to have something in the house.By the sound sounds of it quitting in one go could have hugely detrimental affects. Why don’t you sit down and write yourself a little plan - allow yourself to have say, 2 glasses over a longer period of time or why don’t you try and get your hands on some alcohol free wine. You can alternate your glasses c

Good advice and I will try it out when I get my hands on a bottle

Have been talking to some people about buying wine, even though it is currently illegal to do so. But I really don't have much choice because I haven't had a drink since NYE night, and now the cupboard is bare, so to speak. Also getting quite cranky with people, including my parents and sister - arguments and falling outs, and all because I can't get my hands on a drink.

Hopefully I should be able to get some wine in the next day or so. Don't care about the cost either. After that I'll be able to focus

Thanks

 

[northernspaces]

Oh well "lucky" you that your dad has "reasons" for it because my dad doesn't even acknowledge his problem when he is sober. I had a chat with him about a month ago where he was drunk and he half told me that he lost everything (his company, my mom after a divorce, and ultimately me, because I have been in the UK for 5 years and I don't come back that often) so that would be his "reason".
I feel very responsible for him and I don't think we should?
He goes to a pub not far from where he lives and he fell in love with the landlady (who's married with a kid) and because of her situation, I am sure she only uses him as bait so he can spend money in her pub. I am going there next week and I think I will have a word with her.
He has 2 car accidents in the past year because he drives home blind drunk. And he has had his license taken once last year but as soon as they gave him back he was back on the road.

I think, there is only so much you can do and only he can help himself... Is your dad willing to go to rehab?

That’s something that I hate - they don’t seem to realise other peoples reactions?? Like they don’t understand a situation because they are drunk and its embarrassing to be witness to. That lady should be ashamed of herself for taking advantage of your dad like that....

Waiting for my dad to get in an accident too. Its only inevitable and the only thing I can do is refuse to get in the car with him if he is drunk or threaten to phone the police if he does drive anywhere but it is hard because we dont live together so I dont know when it happens most of the time.

He was in rehab for the first time before lockdown then relapsed during lockdown. He blames being in on his own, says that lockdown was the worst thing to ever happen to him () and yet I know for a fact he was always out the house food shopping, cycling drunk, golfing, seeing women etc.

My uncle was an alcoholic, it ruined his life. He was a very intelligent young guy with good work possibilities but drinking was more important. I knew something was wrong ever since I was 5 years old. Each time he visited my parents he already seemed a bit drunk and always had a bottle of vodka with him, anything could be a reason to have a drink. I remember always feeling scared around him, always a bit distanced from him and even as a kid I tried to make my parents see what's going on. I don't want to use stereotypes but I think it's worth mentioning that in Poland we have big drinking culture so when he came over with vodka nobody was surprised - it was 'normal' that each time he came over they were drinking. My parents thankfully weren't big drinkers, they couldn't handle more than 3-4 shots and over time they realised I was right and that my uncle had a big problem. Unfortunately after many fights and my uncle being mad at my family and not talking to us for years, he started getting out of control, drunk driving, spending all the money for alcohol his body finally gave up. He ended up in a hospital and all his organs started failing, after 10 months in hospital he died.

I'm all grown up now (well sort of - 25 years old), I avoided alcohol for as long as I could. I decided growning up I would never touch vodka. And again drinking culture and uni got best of me and I started binge drinking. I always had a limit - always had a moment where I thought "ok I'm drunk, I can't have anymore or I'll get sick" which reassured me that I don't have a problem.
And then one day I found out I have hypertension, started taking meds and it made me change a lot of my habits and was a breaking point. I gave up the drink 1,5 year ago.

During the 18 months I've been sober I allowed myself to have a drink for a special occasion - had one glass of champagne on New Years Eve and a sad little beer during my quarantine birthday (I was looking forward to going out with friends and having one fancy cocktail that's why it was a sad beer ). The day I decided to stop binge drinking I knew it's not like I'm never going to drink again, I just didn't want alcohol to be such a big part of my life. At times it was very hard not to order a beer or wine when out with friends and everyone around me was having a pint, my hand were itching for a drink. But I knew that if I drink in front of people once they will know I drank and next time we saw each other it would be hard to explain why I'm not drinking. So I didn't. And I won't. That glass of wine 2-3 times a year will be my only contact with alcohol.


/sorry if this is hard to read, english is not my first language

Your relationship with alcohol is what I want mine to look like! They say it’s hereditary in families so it is amazing you have stopped drinking in its path I want to just have a couple of drinks to unwind and enjoy but not get blackout drunk everytime I go out with friends.

 

[mochibean]

Addiction is tough for loved ones too. You are such a wonderful friend, she’s so lucky to have you. And hopefully she finds the will to do the hard work.

I hope so, she has so much potential she just doesn't realise it. Her family don't help either, they just built a bar in their garden!
Thank you. I try my best, it is quite draining though at times.

 

[GeorgeP123]

Not in my case - though my sister is a horrific narcissist and, from what I can tell (she died before I was born) my mum's mum was one as well.

Do they just have no empathy? I just don't get how someone can grow hatred over tiny things. I can't get my head round it all. Lack of empathy and just not normal behaviour

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you so much. Always here for you too I honestly think that this world is just too tough for some people, and now her soul is free to find a new world where she can be free and happy. Being so down is no life at all. She is in a better place. I remember me and my boyfriend had a little bicker the other week so I was talking to her asking her what to do ect just as you do in the kitchen talking to myself lol. I went to sleep that night and in the dream my phone rang and it said “Mum” calling. She answered the phone and told me everything I should do. My boyfriend woke me in the night so I shushed him and said “please come back Mum we weren’t finished” and I fell back to sleep, later on she came back, right up to me. She was right there. And we continued our conversation. It was incredible!

What I’m trying to say is, to any of you, your loved one may not be here, in this world, but they are always there with you.

Whoa, that’s incredible!!

Luckily my own mum is sober(I believe) at the minute, and her depression is under control, but when she has been at her worst I have definitely thought what life is this for her? And she’d be happier no longer here. Always on tenterhooks that tomorrow may be the day it all comes crashing down again, but after reading your story I’m also feeling very lucky for the “good times” she has among the bad.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

It definitely does sound like it could be. Grief is a funny old thing. You think you’re ok then all of a sudden it hits when you least expect it. With something as traumatic as what you’ve been through I suppose it’s tempting to sit and try and unpick, question and then make sense of it all when the reality is it makes it so much harder to process and try and heal from. Sending you lots of love and good vibes and I really do hope it starts to get better for you xx

So true! Especially tempting when due to lockdown and being on furlough there’s nothing else to do but think Aw thank you so much you are so lovely, sending lots of love to you too

 

[Raininvain]

@37BBL I got the job, thank you for asking
Briefly spoke to partner this morning, he said hes been feeling down and its because Im moving on with my life (we work for the same place) and hes being left behind.

We often talk about his drinking, the physical/health side for him and the emotional side for me and he gets better for a few days before slipping into old habits. Hes 41 years old and has drank heavily since he was 16 (both his parents and his brothers are all big drinkers too) where I come from a family who dont drink. Also the financial side as we are buying a house, i earn less but have saved 6k while hes saved....300. And thats not because he doesnt want to, but because he spends so much on alcohol he has nothing left by the end of the month!

What are you doing? you are wasting your time here with him.

All of us must remember the 3 C's
you didn't cause it
you cannot control it
you cannot cure it

I disagree people can go and get themselves help regarding their drinking/ drug taking etc if they wish. Some people do manage to change and stay sober or clean. There is hope but they have to want to do it really badly.

 

[Gembo]

So with my one remaining bottle of wine, I've have decided to water it down- 4 parts water 1 part wine.

Doesn't taste of anything, which I guess is the point. So tempted to just get in the car, go to the shop and stock up. But I know that would be dumb.

And yet.....

Don’t. Please don’t.
Do you know what drives your desire to drink? What are your triggers? Are you sometimes able to overcome or never able to? Do you feel that it’s getting dangerously out of control? x

 

[37BBL]

Thank you. I would say once a fortnight.
He looked “well” when he was dry. Slim and healthy. But his face looks to me like he is drinking.

Much of your posts resonate with me. I have an alcoholic sibling too. She has categorically ruined her own life and parts of several family members too.
Contrary to your post, when she was drinking she was skinny. She didn't eat properly, her periods completely stopped as she did that much damage. When she went to rehab she piled weight on as she was eating properly. Since she has been in recovery, and I use the term losely as I question whether she is sober for long periods of time, she has put about 3 stone on.

I know what you mean about knowing the signs. For me, its her general persona and if she is a bit more lively and talkative then I'm fairly sure she is in drink.

I find seeing her quite triggering for my anxiety. So selfishly, I avoid seeing her which has been easier in lockdown anyway. I found if I did see her face to face I would be scanning her appearance, the way she was presenting and how she was acting, and then questioning whether she had been drinking. So I avoid seeing her.

There was a time I would have said that I didn't want to know anything about her, but when I speak to my mum lately I always ask how she is. I'm not there with messaging her directly though. Apparently she stays on track but there is a part of me that will never believe it.

I think you have to do what helps you. For me cutting her out of my life was best, she was affecting me mentally and I needed to selfishly make a break from her.

I totally understand your feelings, I hope you are feeling alright xxx

 

[Definitelyme]

I broke up with my long term boyfriend because of his drinking. I always thought that he would stop drinking and be he his sober self and that we would end up together. I was with him for 4 years and alcohol was always an issue.

He would drink a couple of nights a week but could easily go without it. But sometimes he would drink and take it too far and just lose his mind. I have seen him become very nasty when he drank. Sometimes he became very destructive of the house and could get physically aggressive with me. He got arrested at least four times when he was drunk. His mother threw him out because he wrecked her house after drinking a bottle of whiskey. He smashed the windows of his car when was drunk. He drinks and drives. He turned up to work drunk on a few occasions.

He would say he would stop drinking and after a few weeks he’d say he can just have a few bottles of beer and it will be fine. Then it turns into him drinking stronger stuff after that.

Earlier this year he gave up drinking for over 2 months. When I found out he had drank again I couldn’t handle it and ended things. A few weeks ago he rang me when he was drunk fighting with me saying I didn’t care about him. I later found out he was driving around drunk that night and went to collect a family member from work. They said he was driving very dangerously.

I ran into him during the weekend at the pub and met him the next day to talk. He asked me to go back to him and told me he doesnt want to drink anymore. This makes no sense to me as he was at pub during the weekend and drinking the weekend before also. He is just telling me what I want to hear. When I said no he said I had no faith in him and that I was basically saying that he would be drinking all his life. He made me feel so bad and guilty. I don’t know will he ever stop drinking but I just can’t handle anymore of it.

Sadly many alcoholics make these promises and don’t follow through. It’s amazingly strong to be able to see that and to walk away from someone. Sounds to me like you’ve done the right thing.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you both for replying. I knew I wasn’t just being ridiculous. She has said to me before “he doesn’t drink every night so it’s okay”. I know from my own issues it doesn’t need to be every night. Another thing is that he is managing to work okay during the week. But he spends all his money on going out and drinking…not saving up to move out or anything.

I feel like she is in denial and I don’t want to push her away

It’s not normal to go out every single weekend and drink so much that you black out/get into a mess/stay out until the next morning etc. It shows that he has no self control regarding alcohol. why can’t he just go out and have a few drinks and then come home at a reasonable time? because he has a problem with alcohol. Does your friend not have any issues at all with it? Does she think it’s ok that he’s a write off every weekend, that he’s putting himself in unsafe situations, That he’s literally pissing all his money away every weekend?

you can’t do much for her - if you’v talked to her and expressed your concerns that’s all you can do. Just be thankful he’s not your boyfriend.

 

[Definitelyme]

Hope everyone is doing well x