Thank you, the guilt of not replying to that last message is killing me. She was mostly normal in it but talked about wanting to meet up, I don’t think it was a plea for help at all but I hope she realised that I didn’t reply because of what I was going through at the time. I keep telling myself that there were people on her radar far bigger than me. I wish I could tell her I’m sorry. I know there’s nothing I could have done, I’m just so sad for her. She didn’t deserve this. I’m going to pay more attention to my friends going forward, look for the clues just in case there are any.
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You sound like a truly wonderful friend, and I am sure that she felt that from you x
This
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so easy to look back on the past and think “I wish I did this” or “what if I had said this” and to feel guilty for feeling like you should have done more. But you did what was right for you at that time and in that moment for your life there and then. You weren’t to know this would have happened and you couldn’t have lived your life wondering what if. No matter what you said or did she also chose what was right for her in her time and her moment. Nothing could have changed that and you have to put yourself first and stand by your decisions because you are living your life and you come first. She would have known how much you loved and cared for her and she always will 
I'm so sorry for your loss @Gembo
It is so hard not to think in hindsight what would have been different. From my experience, alcoholics hide things so, so well. None of my family knew how bad my sibling was at all. Her tolerance must have been sky high. Even when the unimaginable happened, at the fault of herself, she continued to drink. She only got help when she decided to.
Please don't beat yourself up about it. Your friend is at peace now. My dad, who goes to AA support meetings to try and cope with what my sibling did, told me the 3 C's last week. Didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. X
It is so hard not to think in hindsight what would have been different. From my experience, alcoholics hide things so, so well. None of my family knew how bad my sibling was at all. Her tolerance must have been sky high. Even when the unimaginable happened, at the fault of herself, she continued to drink. She only got help when she decided to.
Please don't beat yourself up about it. Your friend is at peace now. My dad, who goes to AA support meetings to try and cope with what my sibling did, told me the 3 C's last week. Didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. X
How is everyone doing at the moment?
On my end my mum is getting a lot worse both physically and mentally and I'm trying to keep her in a mental box so that the stress doesn't completely overtake my life but it's pretty difficult. I guess it comes with practice.
On my end my mum is getting a lot worse both physically and mentally and I'm trying to keep her in a mental box so that the stress doesn't completely overtake my life but it's pretty difficult. I guess it comes with practice.
Sending you all my love. My mum is also “my” alcoholic, and it’s so incredibly difficult when they are going through a bad time. I’m sorry to hear things are worse for her, and in turn for you. It’s so hard to try and push it to one side, to turn it off when you need to, I have also attempted this during bad patches, and while I don’t think it works 100%, it definitely helps lighten the mental load.
Nice to see this thread pop up again.
I am doing okay. My person seems to be coping well and on track, touch wood.
I am sorry to read that your Mum is struggling. I completely understand the want and desire to try and store the feelings away. They consume you in so many ways and its a massive burden to carry around.
I managed to switch off when my person was very bad, not for long periods of time, but when I could it was a huge help. I found exercise really helped take my mind off it as I didn't have any reminders. I used to play a podcast and just jog for 30 minutes. I am no runner, it was more of a mental thing for me than the actual exercise, but it helped a lot.
I hope you find yourself a little bit of peace from the crazy mind which this can cause us xx
My aunt is pretty much an alcoholic I used to work with her in a cafe and all day long she would be drinking strongbow cider or wine (those box's of wine)
then she would go to the pub after work in the space of about 2 weeks she fell over twice breaking her arm, some ribs and a gash near her eyebrow, her daughters my cousins where trying to help her and tell not to drink a work etc
She no longer has the cafe, but I worried, I've always seen her drink but til I was working with her I didn't realise how bad it was xxx
then she would go to the pub after work in the space of about 2 weeks she fell over twice breaking her arm, some ribs and a gash near her eyebrow, her daughters my cousins where trying to help her and tell not to drink a work etc
She no longer has the cafe, but I worried, I've always seen her drink but til I was working with her I didn't realise how bad it was xxx
I think this is the thing with alcoholics, they can hide it so well. I still struggle to understand how their minds work and how they just carry on pretending they don't have an issue. As you say, even injuries happen and they don't stop.
I hope your Aunt can recognise her problem and try and address it x
Sorry to jump in but I just wanted to express something on here that no one else seems to think is concerning. My friend’s boyfriend only drinks at the weekends (he has a full time job in the week) however every time he drinks he drinks to oblivion (like to the point of passing out, not remembering a thing the next day and getting himself in bad situations).
One recent example - I purposely want to be vague because technically it’s not my business (although as it’s my friend who has to deal with the aftermath of it I’m naturally worried and concerned) - her boyfriend went out to the pub, ended up in town, had told her he would be back by 12am, hadn’t come back by 1am so she was ringing him to see if he was okay, he didn’t answer, in fact he stayed out until 8am, his “friends” ditched him in town and he rang my friend eventually from town in a pub that had a plug socket to charge his phone and call her.
She swiftly picked him up as he was distraught because he felt mentally unstable, he told her he didn’t remember much and couldn’t rule out taking drugs (had taken cocaine many times before). Basically he told her he was crying out for help. So they went to his Dads and he spoke to him openly about it. His dad told him he would help him no matter what. Then 2 days later he went out to the pub with his mates again and my friend said to me “Oh it’s okay he won’t get like that again and it’s only once a week he drinks”. Sure enough he got in a bad state again this time he got a lift back from a random stranger!!! Anything could have happened!
My friend just seems to accept it as it’s “once a week” and he “needs it to forget his problems”. Surely this is really worrying? He previously lost his driving license through drink driving too, and apparently he had counselling but stopped.
One recent example - I purposely want to be vague because technically it’s not my business (although as it’s my friend who has to deal with the aftermath of it I’m naturally worried and concerned) - her boyfriend went out to the pub, ended up in town, had told her he would be back by 12am, hadn’t come back by 1am so she was ringing him to see if he was okay, he didn’t answer, in fact he stayed out until 8am, his “friends” ditched him in town and he rang my friend eventually from town in a pub that had a plug socket to charge his phone and call her.
She swiftly picked him up as he was distraught because he felt mentally unstable, he told her he didn’t remember much and couldn’t rule out taking drugs (had taken cocaine many times before). Basically he told her he was crying out for help. So they went to his Dads and he spoke to him openly about it. His dad told him he would help him no matter what. Then 2 days later he went out to the pub with his mates again and my friend said to me “Oh it’s okay he won’t get like that again and it’s only once a week he drinks”. Sure enough he got in a bad state again this time he got a lift back from a random stranger!!! Anything could have happened!
My friend just seems to accept it as it’s “once a week” and he “needs it to forget his problems”. Surely this is really worrying? He previously lost his driving license through drink driving too, and apparently he had counselling but stopped.
Sounds to me like massive red flags for alcoholism. It doesn’t matter how much it often a person drinks, if they can’t do without that drink, it’s an addiction. Your friend’s boyfriend sounds like he has a big problem, which he is somewhat aware of, but sounds like they are trying to bury their heads in the sand a bit.
It is concerning. He clearly has a problem with alcohol and your friend is enabling him. He needs to start going to AA meetings, and start seeing a therapist to work on whatever underlying issues he has. he also needs to find some actual decent friends who actually give a tit about him; the people he has around him clearly couldn’t care less for his welfare if they keep facilitating/encouraging this behaviour every week.
Thank you both for replying. I knew I wasn’t just being ridiculous. She has said to me before “he doesn’t drink every night so it’s okay”. I know from my own issues it doesn’t need to be every night. Another thing is that he is managing to work okay during the week. But he spends all his money on going out and drinking…not saving up to move out or anything.
I feel like she is in denial and I don’t want to push her away
It’s not normal to go out every single weekend and drink so much that you black out/get into a mess/stay out until the next morning etc. It shows that he has no self control regarding alcohol. why can’t he just go out and have a few drinks and then come home at a reasonable time? because he has a problem with alcohol. Does your friend not have any issues at all with it? Does she think it’s ok that he’s a write off every weekend, that he’s putting himself in unsafe situations, That he’s literally pissing all his money away every weekend?Thank you both for replying. I knew I wasn’t just being ridiculous. She has said to me before “he doesn’t drink every night so it’s okay”. I know from my own issues it doesn’t need to be every night. Another thing is that he is managing to work okay during the week. But he spends all his money on going out and drinking…not saving up to move out or anything.
I feel like she is in denial and I don’t want to push her away
you can’t do much for her - if you’v talked to her and expressed your concerns that’s all you can do. Just be thankful he’s not your boyfriend.
My mum is/was a functioning alcoholic. She went to work every day. And yet she was drinking to excess. Not all alcoholics are unable to hold down a job, your friend is totally misinformed, or in denial.Thank you both for replying. I knew I wasn’t just being ridiculous. She has said to me before “he doesn’t drink every night so it’s okay”. I know from my own issues it doesn’t need to be every night. Another thing is that he is managing to work okay during the week. But he spends all his money on going out and drinking…not saving up to move out or anything.
I feel like she is in denial and I don’t want to push her away
Sadly apart from pointing out his reliance, until he is ready to make any changes, there is nothing else to do.
In a more distant situation, I have a friend whose mother is an alcoholic. Does anyone have advice for how to support my friend? I am one of the only people aware of the situation and I can see it really affects her to worry about her mother and everything that addiction brings to a family.
How can I support her?
How can I support her?
Checking in on her, asking how the situation is and giving her space to talk about it, but also maybe taking her for coffee or a walk or whatever and not talking about it to take her mind off it. These are the things that help me, I’m in your friend’s situation.
For anyone living with or around alcoholism I would suggest soberistas.com - I hope I'm allowed to post the link because its a really useful resource for both sides of alcoholism. Sent with love
I've started seeing a recovery coach and it's been life changing. He is on point with the questions he asks me about my upbringing and to understand why I am co - dependant of the alcoholic in my life. Instead of attacking me staying with the alcoholic he gives me tools how to deal with an addict and I must say it's really been helping helping me so much. I see the change in how my husband acts differently towards me as I am getting stronger. I hope this stays a safe place for people to vent without being attacked for not following their advise as each person experience and circumstances are different. Sending love to all.