Alcoholism

[37BBL]

Hi everyone, my dad has a drink problem but it’s very hard because he is a binge drinker, ie will be sober for months then will ’go on the drink’ for weeks at a time. This has gone on for years and Is very emotionally draining as I’m sure you all understand. I am always on edge, we have a very good relationship but I am finding it really hard at the moment. im wondering if anyone else is finding lockdown having a bigger impact on their alcoholic parent? I’ve tried to explain that everyone is struggling. At times I just feel helpless knowing that this will be my life forever.

So sorry to read your story. My person wasn't a binger, it was constant until she decided to get help. It must be really hard with the binging, I imagine you get used to your Dad being without drink, for him to then revert back.

I am with you on the emotionally draining side though. I think all of us have commented to some extent on this before. The being scared every time the phone rings, the worry if you see an ambulance heading towards their end of the town, the panic if there is a local headline that there has been an accident. Its mentally exhausting and draining. Don’t feel guilty for giving yourself a break on that, I used to go for a run or a walk or watch some rubbish TV as an escapism from my mind wandering.

My person is doing really well I believe, after several relapses. I still have the fear and worry and I don't know that it will ever go away.

Have you considered joining an AA group? I never have, but so many people find them a great outlet.

Is there any possibility you can discuss your Dad attending one? Does he acknowledge he has a problem? X

 

[Miffy46]

So sorry to read your story. My person wasn't a binger, it was constant until she decided to get help. It must be really hard with the binging, I imagine you get used to your Dad being without drink, for him to then revert back.

I am with you on the emotionally draining side though. I think all of us have commented to some extent on this before. The being scared every time the phone rings, the worry if you see an ambulance heading towards their end of the town, the panic if there is a local headline that there has been an accident. Its mentally exhausting and draining. Don’t feel guilty for giving yourself a break on that, I used to go for a run or a walk or watch some rubbish TV as an escapism from my mind wandering.

My person is doing really well I believe, after several relapses. I still have the fear and worry and I don't know that it will ever go away.

Have you considered joining an AA group? I never have, but so many people find them a great outlet.

Is there any possibility you can discuss your Dad attending one? Does he acknowledge he has a problem? X

thanks for your reply, he does know he has a problem - it really affects his life now as he goes out of action for weeks (sometimes months) at a time. The problem is when he’s sober he won’t discuss it. I think it’s more that he has mental health issues which he deals with by drinking? I have joined a few groups on Facebook for Adult Children of Alcoholics, when I first found them it was like a lightbulb moment - like other people feel like me?! But now I need to take the next step in what I’m going to do. I spoke to him on the phone last night and he asked me to come along and I said no. Usually I would fob him off then eventually go but I’m trying not to do that. Not only because it’s upsetting to see how he is living but it really drags me into it. He often tells me I’m his friend, I have starting saying ‘no dad, I’m your child - your my parent, not my friend’

Not my parent but this was me...I did have a problem and I kept it hidden I was very close to needing therapy, but somehow I pulled myself out of it...I can't really explain how I just kept thinking of my Grandma who died in 2015...I know she would be looking down on me ashamed and disappointed. I wanted to be me again...I tried for ages to say it was "normal" as I could go without for weeks but when I drank again it was absolutely loads.

I'm so sorry it's gotten worse through lockdown, this is something I've seen a lot of people struggle with especially with alcohol and drugs. Do you find anything in particular happens around the time your Dad does these binges or is it completely out of the blue and random? Just know you're absolutely not alone, we are all here for you

thank you for your reply There are lots of random things which sets him off. I’m trying to not link myself to it anymore because it doesn’t matter if I phone a lot, visit, take him out etc or do none of it. At the end of the day it’s not about me and I need to not put pressure on myself - he has to do it for himself.

 

[Definitelyme]

thanks for your reply, he does know he has a problem - it really affects his life now as he goes out of action for weeks (sometimes months) at a time. The problem is when he’s sober he won’t discuss it. I think it’s more that he has mental health issues which he deals with by drinking? I have joined a few groups on Facebook for Adult Children of Alcoholics, when I first found them it was like a lightbulb moment - like other people feel like me?! But now I need to take the next step in what I’m going to do. I spoke to him on the phone last night and he asked me to come along and I said no. Usually I would fob him off then eventually go but I’m trying not to do that. Not only because it’s upsetting to see how he is living but it really drags me into it. He often tells me I’m his friend, I have starting saying ‘no dad, I’m your child - your my parent, not my friend’



thank you for your reply There are lots of random things which sets him off. I’m trying to not link myself to it anymore because it doesn’t matter if I phone a lot, visit, take him out etc or do none of it. At the end of the day it’s not about me and I need to not put pressure on myself - he has to do it for himself.

Miffy, I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother, who has huge mental health issues (including suicide attempts, very severe depression) and it is absolutely all linked. The only advice I have is protect your own heart. Sometimes that means saying “I am sorry, I can’t be involved with this anymore if you remain unwilling to seek the help you need” and taking a step away. It’s not easy, but I had to do it several years ago as I was just drained from constantly being on edge wondering wtf was going to happen next. You can’t force someone to seek help. You can offer options to them, if they don’t take it, please make sure you protect yourself.

 

[37BBL]

Just thought I would check in with this thread. Didn't want it to slip off too far.

Hope everyone is well and managing thier situations as best you can. Not too bad here, my person has been sober for 4 months now. As always, I am dubious, but my parents tell me she is doing very well. We occasionally speak, she told me she is being honest for the first time in her life and feels like its clicked.

As I said, I'm always dubious, but massively hopeful for my family that this is turning point.

Hoping you are all well? X

 

[Definitelyme]

Good to hear your update, @37BBL I totally understand the dubious feeling, I think that comes with the continued relapses and disappointments we face as family members. I hope she continues to do well and is able to earn your trust again.

All seems to be well with my mum, but again it’s hard to tell what really goes on. I try not to think of it too much, my energy is needed by my own family, but I have noticed every few months or so I dream about her relapsing and in those dreams I tell her I dislike her, and lots of other things, which reminds me that I still very much feel betrayed by her actions in the past, and it is not something I am “over” even when I’m not thinking about it.

 

[Miffy46]

Hi all, glad things are going ok for the moment, my dad is sober but it’s always a double edged sword isn’t it? You are always waiting and wondering if they are back on the drink. I spend my life on tenterhooks..

 

[Annie101]

Hello Everyone, good to see this thread remain active. Happy that it seems we have a bit of calmness. My husband has been sober, i had an old school friend visiting from out of town last weekend. I never shared my husbands addiction with her because of shame. She told me my husband changed a lot and became way more serious and not so much fun, so i guess my friends needs to get used to my sober husband. I am proud of him, i love him sober and drunk, i just dont like him when drunk. I hope for the day i can trust him 100%. But it is good that we getting there.

 

[babbling brook]

Hi everyone, I’ve posted before about my husbands heavy drinking. He has cut back from 3-5 days a week to once a week (sometimes less) and I’m really happy about that, despite that one night a week being a binge session.

However, I know that desire to drink is still there most of the time. It bothers me when he makes throwaway comments about needing a drink to take the edge off, because I know if he could he’d probably down as much as possible. He is also depressed and doesn’t handle stress very well. He has come a really long way in the last few months to cut back. His drinking was his decision but my reactions are in my control so just wondering if anyone has any advice or suggestions on how I can react to those comments about needing a drink (most days). Thanks

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi everyone, I’ve posted before about my husbands heavy drinking. He has cut back from 3-5 days a week to once a week (sometimes less) and I’m really happy about that, despite that one night a week being a binge session.

However, I know that desire to drink is still there most of the time. It bothers me when he makes throwaway comments about needing a drink to take the edge off, because I know if he could he’d probably down as much as possible. He is also depressed and doesn’t handle stress very well. He has come a really long way in the last few months to cut back. His drinking was his decision but my reactions are in my control so just wondering if anyone has any advice or suggestions on how I can react to those comments about needing a drink (most days). Thanks

It’s great to hear he has made such progress in cutting back his drinking, and is resisting it the rest of the time.

I wonder if depression and stress are in play if he may benefit from increased exercise? This is something my mum has found very useful in helping keep her depression in check, which in turn helps keep her alcoholism in check. It may not be something you can do, but maybe talk to him about overcoming that desire for a drink by replacing it with something else, like a walk or a gym session to take his mind off it.

As for your own reactions, if it were me and he said that I would try as much as possible to simply ignore it and not provide him with a reaction. Your own emotions will be trickier to control, I can’t imagine how stomach churning and worrying it is to hear him say that and wonder if he is going to have a binge that night.

 

[babbling brook]

It’s great to hear he has made such progress in cutting back his drinking, and is resisting it the rest of the time.

I wonder if depression and stress are in play if he may benefit from increased exercise? This is something my mum has found very useful in helping keep her depression in check, which in turn helps keep her alcoholism in check. It may not be something you can do, but maybe talk to him about overcoming that desire for a drink by replacing it with something else, like a walk or a gym session to take his mind off it.

As for your own reactions, if it were me and he said that I would try as much as possible to simply ignore it and not provide him with a reaction. Your own emotions will be trickier to control, I can’t imagine how stomach churning and worrying it is to hear him say that and wonder if he is going to have a binge that night.

Thank you! Exercise absolutely would make a difference. He was doing well with getting out for a run a few months ago, then got out of the habit and never started back again. He is always tired and can’t be bothered to go outside, but I guess that is also part of the depression. I think I need to keep encouraging it, but also get us all out for some more family walks as that usually helps too.

It’s also really good advice for me to ignore his comments. It’s hard not to snap something back at him but I am slowly learning that reacting emotionally doesn’t help the situation and just makes me feel more upset. The heavy drinking started nearly two years ago now and it feels like we’re just going in circles with our conversations about it. It’s exhausting to constantly think about it and wonder when things will feel normal between us again. One step at a time.

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you! Exercise absolutely would make a difference. He was doing well with getting out for a run a few months ago, then got out of the habit and never started back again. He is always tired and can’t be bothered to go outside, but I guess that is also part of the depression. I think I need to keep encouraging it, but also get us all out for some more family walks as that usually helps too.

It’s also really good advice for me to ignore his comments. It’s hard not to snap something back at him but I am slowly learning that reacting emotionally doesn’t help the situation and just makes me feel more upset. The heavy drinking started nearly two years ago now and it feels like we’re just going in circles with our conversations about it. It’s exhausting to constantly think about it and wonder when things will feel normal between us again. One step at a time.

I’m not sure if you’ve said before, apologies if so, but is he on medication for his depression? It’s crazy how linked them depression and drinking can be. When my mum has her depression “under control” with the right medications, she doesn’t self medicate with alcohol.

It must have been a very rough few years for you. I’m sure you’re exhausted x

 

[37BBL]

Thank you! Exercise absolutely would make a difference. He was doing well with getting out for a run a few months ago, then got out of the habit and never started back again. He is always tired and can’t be bothered to go outside, but I guess that is also part of the depression. I think I need to keep encouraging it, but also get us all out for some more family walks as that usually helps too.

It’s also really good advice for me to ignore his comments. It’s hard not to snap something back at him but I am slowly learning that reacting emotionally doesn’t help the situation and just makes me feel more upset. The heavy drinking started nearly two years ago now and it feels like we’re just going in circles with our conversations about it. It’s exhausting to constantly think about it and wonder when things will feel normal between us again. One step at a time.

I don't have any advice as such but didn't want to not comment.
I totally get the exhaustion though, it consumes your whole being and for me I really struggled to ever switch off from it. I didn't even live with my person so I can't imagine how hard it is for you. It's a massive step though that he can control it to the extent that he is.

I actually found exercise for myself helped massively. When I was struggling to drop worrying and second guessing everything, going for a jog with my headphones on just helped me switch off. I know its not for everyone, but distraction allowed me just 30 minutes or so of worry free time when things were at the worst.

Would your husband consider any AA support? I know they can focus on techniques to cope too.

Sending you lots of love. X

 

[babbling brook]

I don't have any advice as such but didn't want to not comment.
I totally get the exhaustion though, it consumes your whole being and for me I really struggled to ever switch off from it. I didn't even live with my person so I can't imagine how hard it is for you. It's a massive step though that he can control it to the extent that he is.

I actually found exercise for myself helped massively. When I was struggling to drop worrying and second guessing everything, going for a jog with my headphones on just helped me switch off. I know its not for everyone, but distraction allowed me just 30 minutes or so of worry free time when things were at the worst.

Would your husband consider any AA support? I know they can focus on techniques to cope too.

Sending you lots of love. X

I’m not sure how to quote the reply above so am including it here. He does take medication for the depression, thankfully. He has been on it for nearly 3 years now but I’m not sure how effective it is at the moment. It’s so hard to say because of covid! He works from home but I know the isolation isn’t helping. Going to the office is tiring but at least it was getting him out of the house and interacting with other people in real life and not just on Zoom.

AA isn’t an option at the moment. He recognises that he has been drinking too much but doesn’t see it (or won’t accept it) as a problem because “everyone else is doing it.” Cutting back so much has been a huge step forward, though. I think he is so accustomed to using alcohol as a crutch that he had forgotten what it’s like to not get wasted just because you’re stressed. It’s easier to numb than it is to deal with the emotions.

Exercise has really helped me as well. Like you said, it’s that 30 minutes to just not have to think about anything else other than the run.

 

[Annie101]

Hi everyone, hope you all doing well. I have realise that being an alcoholic comes with being a narcissist. My husband stopped drinking, his behaviour did not change, There is an anger inside of him and i am sure working from home for 16 months is not helping. He reminds me of Jack Nicholson in The Shinning. I am terrified of him, he can go through stages of ignoring me for weeks as punishment because i spoke up whilst he is angry. i wish i could just shut my mouth and take it at the time. He micro manages me which i find degrading as I am in a high level position at work and treated like a child at home. He takes no accountability for his actions. He made his wishy washy amends to me, which i tore up and gave back to him as the 3 short paragraphs cannot take the pain away he caused. I am left so resentful, alone, angry and heartbroken. Will it ever change? I am so F*cked up by all of this

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi everyone, hope you all doing well. I have realise that being an alcoholic comes with being a narcissist. My husband stopped drinking, his behaviour did not change, There is an anger inside of him and i am sure working from home for 16 months is not helping. He reminds me of Jack Nicholson in The Shinning. I am terrified of him, he can go through stages of ignoring me for weeks as punishment because i spoke up whilst he is angry. i wish i could just shut my mouth and take it at the time. He micro manages me which i find degrading as I am in a high level position at work and treated like a child at home. He takes no accountability for his actions. He made his wishy washy amends to me, which i tore up and gave back to him as the 3 short paragraphs cannot take the pain away he caused. I am left so resentful, alone, angry and heartbroken. Will it ever change? I am so F*cked up by all of this

Oh Annie I am so sorry to hear this. Your life is worth so much more than what you are getting from your marriage. You sound so miserable, and you deserve to be happy. I think the real possibility is if his drinking hasn’t caused his behaviour, if it’s the same without the alcohol, then this is just who he is now. X

 

[LittleBird]

Hi everyone, hope you all doing well. I have realise that being an alcoholic comes with being a narcissist. My husband stopped drinking, his behaviour did not change, There is an anger inside of him and i am sure working from home for 16 months is not helping. He reminds me of Jack Nicholson in The Shinning. I am terrified of him, he can go through stages of ignoring me for weeks as punishment because i spoke up whilst he is angry. i wish i could just shut my mouth and take it at the time. He micro manages me which i find degrading as I am in a high level position at work and treated like a child at home. He takes no accountability for his actions. He made his wishy washy amends to me, which i tore up and gave back to him as the 3 short paragraphs cannot take the pain away he caused. I am left so resentful, alone, angry and heartbroken. Will it ever change? I am so F*cked up by all of this

I'm really sorry to hear this Annie! As someone who is almost a year out of the relationship now, I can say that my ex hasn't changed and was still giving me grief last week. He still drinks and smokes weed and has moved back in with his parents who now identify his behaviour is a problem (but only under their roof).

Life truly is much better without him in it, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am free. Please think about your options, life is too short.

 

[Gembo]

I am really hurting that an old friend has passed away due to alcoholism. I feel so many things. I’ve been trying to read through some of our messages and it’s killing me I’ve had to stop. I actually had no idea that she had such a problem with it, I was lost for words. So many things make more sense to me now, she was in so much pain and I never saw it. Things she did I think now were cries for help. I never replied to her last message because I was in a really dark place and I regret that deeply. I want to talk to her more than anything, I wish I could have helped her. How could I not see? I hate what this does to people, I hate it.

 

[AnderbeauJohnson]

I am really hurting that an old friend has passed away due to alcoholism. I feel so many things. I’ve been trying to read through some of our messages and it’s killing me I’ve had to stop. I actually had no idea that she had such a problem with it, I was lost for words. So many things make more sense to me now, she was in so much pain and I never saw it. Things she did I think now were cries for help. I never replied to her last message because I was in a really dark place and I regret that deeply. I want to talk to her more than anything, I wish I could have helped her. How could I not see? I hate what this does to people, I hate it.

I'm so sorry about your friend. A lot of times addicts can hide their addiction so well, even if it seems more obvious in hindsight. It's hard but please be kind to yourself, it isn't your fault for not realising what was going on, and I know you would have tried to help her if you had known.

 

[Gembo]

I'm so sorry about your friend. A lot of times addicts can hide their addiction so well, even if it seems more obvious in hindsight. It's hard but please be kind to yourself, it isn't your fault for not realising what was going on, and I know you would have tried to help her if you had known.

Thank you, I really would have x

 

[Definitelyme]

I am really hurting that an old friend has passed away due to alcoholism. I feel so many things. I’ve been trying to read through some of our messages and it’s killing me I’ve had to stop. I actually had no idea that she had such a problem with it, I was lost for words. So many things make more sense to me now, she was in so much pain and I never saw it. Things she did I think now were cries for help. I never replied to her last message because I was in a really dark place and I regret that deeply. I want to talk to her more than anything, I wish I could have helped her. How could I not see? I hate what this does to people, I hate it.

I am so sorry for your loss. Alcoholism is a cruel disease, and alcoholics are so good at hiding it that many times people have no clue at all. You can’t put any blame on yourself. X