Alcoholism

[JoeBloggs]

Thank you all for your replies. It is extremely lonely.

I must say he isn't like this often anymore but when he is in my head I am prepared to give up on our relationship. I have toyed with kicking him out, telling him to go for a week. I do not want my future to be like this and I think this is his final opportunity to turn things around.

 

[Happyvalley]

I found it amazing when I found this thread. I’ve never had the courage to go to al anon, but having this thread and knowing others “get it” just makes me feel so much less alone. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you. I can distance from my mum. You can’t from your husband.

Maybe you could say to him you’d like to talk about it at X day/time and it will give you both time to think about what you’d like to say, so you both can come prepared so to speak. It’s not easy confronting someone. And it’s hard to get the “right” words. But hopefully once he knows how much this is impacting you, it may help him realise he needs to change things.

The thing I have struggled with most is that really no matter what I’ve said or done, if my mum hasn’t been ready to stop, to seek help properly (she’s been in AA for years but she’s even lied there) then I may as well not bother speaking. It has to come from them, and that is so so hard to accept.

That’s what has always upset me so much when I think about it, me and my siblings were removed from my mum’s care because her drinking resulted in us being neglected. And I could never understand why she valued alcohol over us. As I’ve got older I do understand the pull of addiction buts it’s difficult to accept coming second to alcohol and the person drinking not being ready to stop even for their family.

Really hard to talk to him and I guess anyone who has an addiction. If he’s not in the mood to talk about it and I try to address it he’ll tell me I’m having a go at him. The times he raises it with me, as he does worry, I am so tentative that he accuses me of not being supportive to help him stop. When he’s not under the influence he has told me in the past to just poor his rum away. The reality is I would not dare do that. I never really understood the term “under the influence” before but I now understand how a drug gets its tentacles into you and hugely influences your behaviour. He says he has spoken to a GP, I believe this but don’t believe he will have told them the full truth. He has told me the GP has told him it’s dangerous to just stop so he cut down for one or two nights and then the consumption just went back to normal. If he dies young because of this I will never forgive him. That may sound harsh but I’m so cross with him. Sorry for the outpouring here x

You’re in a difficult position, pour away we understand x

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

This thread is heartbreaking, sending love to everyone who needs it

Both my partner and I have functioning alcoholics in the family, a parent each. They don’t seem to cause any major issues but we know they drink a lot more than is healthy.

My parent has gotten into some relatively minor arguments with family and sent some odd messages to family group chats after a drink but not enough for anyone to realise it could be anything more serious. As I was the one living with them I witnessed first hand how often they drank and it was daily after work In the week and all afternoon over the weekends. Not sure on exact amounts but I’d say they were drinking enough to get tipsy at the very least and often crashed out on the sofa and claimed to be exhausted from work. For years and years and I’m sure that habit hasn’t changed. My parent still manages to hold down a job, is good at it and respected in their workplace they manage to function normally and visit people, do the weekly shop and pay all bills and basically do everything ‘normal’ people do. So on the surface it seems like they have it all together but I feel like I know the truth and it’s just sad. I worry for their health and am convinced I’m gonna get a phone call saying they’ve been hospitalised at any time, and how this could escalate at any time into full blown alcoholism and their life starts falling apart. Thankfully that didn’t happen over lockdown whilst they were furloughed although I’m sure drinking increased although I don’t know for sure since I no longer live there.

My partners parent is very similar in the way they drink after work and in the afternoon at weekends. They actually became seriously ill with pancreatitis and was bedridden for weeks/months. I have no idea if alcohol can cause this but I know it didn’t help matters. They stopped/cut down on the drinking for a while after they recovered but then it’s gradually ramped up again over time. They are also a really irritating drunk who drones on and on and I just can’t see it ending well.

Functioning alcoholics are scary because not everyone realises the extent of their drinking. I have tried mentioning it to family but I just don’t think they get it. I also had a grand parent with an identical pattern of drinking, I’m relieved I don’t seem to be going down the same path but I’m still hugely concerned about our family members.

 

[ButtonDownTheHutches]

Just wondering if anyone else has struggled through ‘the most wonderful time of the year’ due to a loved one’s abuse of alcohol? It’s not the first year and no doubt won’t be the last but I have never felt as affected by it as I have this year. I’m angry and bitter - I really don’t like the person I’m becoming because of it sorry to rant I’ve just got no one to talk to about it. They’re killing me slowly on the inside

I hear you. We had a shit Christmas last year, and this year has been dire too.

It’s what has made up my mind to finish things for good. Like you, I hate the person his addiction has turned me into. I need to get out before I lose myself completely

 

[Definitelyme]

I am very sorry for the late reply, I just got busy.

My other siblings are not bothered as they don’t have the best relationship over the stuff she has put us through in the past and I think I’m too much of a soft touch and have bad anxiety so I can’t help but worry about her cause she is still my Mother, I just can’t switch off my love for her even though she put me through so much.

She sent me a small message today to say she’ll be home to hers later, but she has yet to show up. But at least I know she is alive so that helps me worry a bit less. I think I scared her as I messaged her and a few of her old drinking friends that I think she’d be with that I have no choice but to report as missing.

I am still at a lost for words, because I don’t know what the fuck she is thinking and putting me through.

Unfortunately once they are drinking again they don’t think straight at all. It’s just all about them, and all about the next drink. Alcoholics are incredibly self centred. I’m glad you’ve heard from her

 

[37BBL]

My mum is a functioning alcoholic. The first memory I have of her being drunk was 11 years ago when I was 9 and she fell down the stairs backwards after drinking heavily all afternoon and I had to phone my aunty to come and put me and my then 2 year old brother to bed. She is the most vile person when she’s had a drink, she verbally abused me from around 11 until when I moved out at 17.

Shes so nasty to anyone and everyone, she’ll lie about things and I remember one time she was so drunk and we were arguing and she had a knife and turned around and pretended to stab herself. It was the most traumatic thing I’ve experienced. She lied about me to all my family members and they thought I was the worst person and nasty to my mum for years. She used to walk into my room and just start being nasty for no reason. She drinks around 2-3 bottles of wine on her days off from work. She’s rang me in the morning before around 7 and she’s been drunk already. She lives with my brother and she still makes up lies about me. It’s really hard to deal with because when she hasn’t had a drink she is the best mum and nan to my children.
She’s kind, caring funny but as soon as she’s even had a sip of a drink she’s awful. I grew up with her constantly saying she wanted to die and about 3 years ago she had a breakdown and shaved off all her hair. She really made my mental health suffer for years and I tried to kill myself numerous times when I was 14. I worry for her so much, she won’t admit she’s got a problem even though deep down I know she knows she has. She’s got mental health problems but again won’t receive help for it. She loves my children but I can’t trust her to babysit them.
My grandparents and her brothers and sister have done nothing to help over the years, neither has my dad. He worked away and I basically had to look after myself. I’d come home from school and she’d be drunk. I came home one day and she wasn’t in and I had to sit at my next door neighbours for an hour until we saw her come home, she’d been at the pub and the owners had to carry her into the house. I was so embarrassed that I cried for hours, she won’t even remember that though.
Every birthday I can remember she’s been drunk and ruined, and every Christmas. I’m so glad I don’t spend Christmas with her anymore and I can create new memories because it was always so stressful having her argue with everyone all day and being angry at me when I’d done nothing wrong. I feel like she won’t be here in the next 10 years. She’s 53, I don’t want her to die I just want the alcoholic part of her to die. Sorry for the long post, I don’t get to talk to anyone about this. My partner knows and has seen what she’s like but I’m too embarrassed to bring it up anymore!

Thats a feeling I have felt too and the anxiety at Christmas and gatherings that they may spoil it, you feel like you're treading on egg shells.

So many of us understand how this effects the support network. Please feel free to talk x

 

[mochibean]

I was thinking of getting the tablets that make you ill if you drink. Has anyone had them?

I haven't but I think they'd be a good way to stop. I once drank on Metroindazole (antibiotic) and within half an hour I was puking my guts up and realised why they say don't drink on them. Never did it again, truly learnt my lesson! I was a big party girl and binge drinker back then so for me to stop took a lot! I just avoid alcohol now because I never know when to stop. I end up with a random man, in a police cell, or a hospital bed. It's just not worth it.

So while I haven't tried disulfiram - the tablets you mean, the symptoms if you drink while on them are probably very similar.

 

[37BBL]

Yes, I can relate to it all. I swear my life stopped during this period (for a good few years!) the drinking was just all consuming. There were times at work I was close to disciplinary action because my performance was poor and my time at work was shoddy at best. If I never had the boss I did at that time I definitely would have been close to the chop!

It’s the wondering, the not knowing, the endless worry, the waiting on the phone ringing, the willing it to ring if your person is missing / AWOL, endless vicious circles of police / hospital / ambulances. It’s so so exhausting. I think you lose a bit of yourself to this illness— I feel like I have. Sometimes I can’t remember what I was like before it was a part of my life. it changes you, and everything.

I could write this myself honestly. I feel like I lost the majority of last year due to this. Several times at work I would be on my phone messaging about her when I should have been working. Messaging my parents to check they were okay and nothing had kicked off overnight.
The worst thing is, even now she is in recovery, i still don't think she realises just how all consuming this is for everyone involved. She has no idea of the pain and anger she caused. Not to mention the embarrassment when I had to explain to my colleagues some of the things that had happened.

I really do feel for anyone in this situation. Luckily I can distance myself from her but I understand some of you live with your person. X

 

[37BBL]

hope you are all well guys xx

 

[leapricot]

didn't have the constant worry that every time my phone rang it would be my parents saying something had happened.

I am living the same situation with my dad. I am in the UK and he lives in France with my nan (he lost his company, divorced from my mom years ago and he never recovered from either). I am always in the fear that, when my nan calls me, it would be to tell me something has happened.
He is in total denial and I feel so helpless living so far, but I also know that living close would not change a thing.
My aunt has put a lot on my shoulders saying that if I don't come back more often, my dad would be dead soon and that I should give up my life in the UK to come back and take care of him for a few years and go back to the UK when he feels fully better. Obviously loads of BS.

We have been in touch with a charity helping people with alcoholism. I am going back there in a few days and we are setting up a sort of intervention where we would tell him our worries and concerns and the charity lady will try and convince him to go in rehab. Because he cannot help himself anymore, he is too far gone in the alcoholism. So this is the only alternative we have.

It is a very frustrating disease for relatives and friends and I really hope everyone who are going through that with a family member or friend are coping well

 

[Annie101]

Yes you can survive, maybe this was meant to happen to help you. But i will sure be thinking of you whilst i am sitting with my gin & tonic

 

[JoeBloggs]

Thank you @LittleBird and @Raininvain. He’s come home pretending nothing has happened with another bottle of wine. Apparently I didn’t get anything he said yesterday and he doesn’t want to talk.

According to the NHS guidelines he is on his way to dependency. I can’t live like this anymore, he either needs to get help or it’s over. I’ve put up with his behaviour for too long.

Thank you so much for your words, it’s a relief to get them out of my head. I think I will also call Al Anon, I feel so alone.

 

[Kezza_69]

@lozzapaloozza, thankyou
I do realise alcoholism is an illness now.
I completely understand what other posters have said about "normalising" drinking.
I remember when my girls were younger, we were just moving into the "glass of wine?" habits when picking up from after school visits rather than teas or coffee.
I choose to log my drinks on an app . .
Purely to keep a record.
Its so very easy to slip into bad habits.
I have a few friends who have been in and out of rehab . . All bar 2 of them still struggle now, after all that help . .. 1 lost her kids to the demon drink.
1 is lucky enough to have the money to pay privately for his medication that keeps him sober. .

I remember doing dry January a few years ago,
When I took my 1st drink, I truly felt poisoned
My inbox is always open for anyone who needs a chat

 

[Happyvalley]

So glad you’re doing okay and we’re always here if you need a chat! That’s really good that you’re taking care of yourself and your own mental health, I remember feeling like some sort of carer with my mum and it’s not the way the roles should be. Just remember you can’t control what anybody does except from yourself, so you have to do what’s best for you. Your mum knows you love her and will always be there for her but she also needs to know she can’t hold you back and bring you down also

On another note, does anyone start to struggle even more around Mother’s Day? It’s shoved in my face everywhere I look and is just another reminder she’s not here. Same goes for Father’s Day ect

I hate Mother’s Day. Even though I have beautiful children and I love being a mother. But it’s just such a reminder of what I haven’t got because my mum valued alcohol over me and my siblings. I have to stay off social media that day, it’s too painful to see all the posts of people with their mums. So you’re not on your own, I totally relate.

 

[AnderbeauJohnson]

I am really hurting that an old friend has passed away due to alcoholism. I feel so many things. I’ve been trying to read through some of our messages and it’s killing me I’ve had to stop. I actually had no idea that she had such a problem with it, I was lost for words. So many things make more sense to me now, she was in so much pain and I never saw it. Things she did I think now were cries for help. I never replied to her last message because I was in a really dark place and I regret that deeply. I want to talk to her more than anything, I wish I could have helped her. How could I not see? I hate what this does to people, I hate it.

I'm so sorry about your friend. A lot of times addicts can hide their addiction so well, even if it seems more obvious in hindsight. It's hard but please be kind to yourself, it isn't your fault for not realising what was going on, and I know you would have tried to help her if you had known.

 

[Happyvalley]

Thank you.
Min 300ml is a lot isn’t it? Every single day.
I constantly live in this flux of making plans to leave to thinking it’s not that bad
I feel I’m at breaking point

I think the fact he can’t seem to stop is a problem. And the fact he thinks there is no issue.

 

[Definitelyme]

3 weeks ago I had meeting just out of town, and did not go to the office. I got home earlier than usual and walked into my husbands study to greet him. I saw shock on his face and knew something was wrong. Then i saw bottle of whiskey on his desk. He finished a whole bottle of whiskey while he was working after being sober and going to AA. This time i changed my behavior, i didnt argue, i didnt cry or beg. I asked him to leave nicely. he tried changing my mind but i felt this inner strength i never felt before. During this time he came home to see me, he begged and i asked for a bullet point list of where he see's himself in the future and what changes he will make with due dates.

After two weeks i allowed him to move into the cottage and not the main house. He comes over for dinner every night, and emotionally I am feeling numb. He is however going to more AA meeting and meeting his sponsor more often. In my heart I know i am not giving up on him, but i do not have to surround myself with the addiction.

Lots of love, courage and strength to you all. xx

Oh my goodness I can only imagine how you felt seeing that. You are so strong to have handled it so calmly, your inner strength is incredible. I hope you don’t mind me saying that the difference in your messages now from when the thread started is incredible. You seem like a different person in how you handle his alcoholism, and it’s truly wonderful to see.

 

[babbling brook]

You Are right to never issue an ultimatum to an alcoholic. In my experience, they will always a) choose alcohol or b) try and bargain another option which will then lead them to continuing to drink anyway. Unfortunately until he is ready to admit he needs help with his problem there is little to be done. You can offer him continued support and love, remind him of all he has that is good, and hopefully he gets there soon x

Sorry, I know you were replying to someone else but I think for me the hardest thing is knowing there’s literally nothing I can do until he’s ready to stop. He admits he doesn’t want to stop. I find that really hurtful because it makes it seem like me and our son aren’t enough, but playing to his emotions doesn’t work.

what makes someone want to stop? Do they just wake up and decide enough is enough, or is there some big terrible event that needs to happen? I have scoured the internet trying to find this answer.

Hangovers don’t deter him. He works from home so doesn’t have to drive. I think he honestly believes I am being unreasonable by being fed up with his drinking.

edited to add: Sometimes I even question if I am being unreasonable. He’s not physically or emotionally abusive, he still has a job and is financially stable, he’s a good dad and husband. I know that so many people are in worse situations than me. But I didn’t grow up in a family that couldn’t control their alcohol intake. I don’t want that for our son or for me. But I also want to stay together.. just want him to stop using alcohol as a crutch.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

How are we all doing?

I’m fine, sometimes I forget that my mum is no longer with me and it’s like losing her all over again. Sometimes it feels like I’m going down a deep, dark hole of panic and I don’t know what to do

 

[37BBL]

How is everyone? Mine has stopped, I’m finding it very hard. Everyone rallying round him who either didn’t have a clue or didn’t care to notice and I’m sort of left to deal with it. Feel like a bitch for not just being ecstatic but y’know.

I've been thinking about this thread recently and keep forgetting to check in, so thank you for posting and resurrecting it.

I don't think you're a bitch for not being ecstatic. The people celebrating, have not experienced alcoholism in the same sense that those of us closest to the person do. I found this with my person, other people were so joyous and happy that they were sober but I was dubious, suspicious and still very angry. I didn't want people to be happy for my person, I wanted them to know exactly how they had hurt those of us closest and the pain they had caused us.

It's been a long time now that my person has been sober. They had a relapse about 6 months in but its been about 18 months sober now. I still don't celebrate it or feel proud of them tbh. I'm glad they don't cause us the continual pain that they did, but I'll never be able to forget that feeling or fully forgive them.

I think it's okay to feel how you do. I've found it's only a very select number of people who have been through it like we have.