Alcoholism

[If you say so...]

For anyone living with or around alcoholism I would suggest soberistas.com - I hope I'm allowed to post the link because its a really useful resource for both sides of alcoholism. Sent with love

 

[Guacamole123]

Please give me a message if you want, inbox always open! My mum was an alcoholic for most of my life from being a child to teenager. Gonna play devils advocate and say Al Anon doesn’t always work, my mum would go to an AA meeting and then go to the pub with everyone after. I think they really have to hit rock bottom before seeking any help- I was v v fortunate that my mum went to rehab and was one of the very few people that has stayed sober since. However, we don’t know yet about any long lasting damage the alcohol has caused.

 

[Drea1984]

I’m at the point where being in their presence makes my skin crawl. I have never been a big drinker but not had one since September. I have tried and tried to help. But now I just want out. For my own sanity.

 

[No style rocky]

Hey all. I don’t know if it’s in the genes but it seems familial. My husbands mum is a big drinker. He is a functioning drinker. He drinks approx half a litre of rum a night. He’s a decent guy hard working, kind, thoughtful. When he has had a few he doesn’t get drunk in a way that i would if I’d had a few. He may slur his speech but the worse thing is he gets mean, he will stew on things and just be mean. But it’s mean in an insidious way.....not sure if I’m describing it well. He sleeps so restlessly and therefore is tired every day. when we are out walking he has to stop moving if he can feel his bowels move as he can’t be sure he won’t soil himself. He recognises there is a problem but will recognise it and then say “but I do a lot of good things” like these good things cancel out the damage his drinking does to him. He is 43 now and scared of dying early, his dad died at 62 of a heart attack. I find it very very hard to understand, I don’t drink at home, I just go out once a month with friends and we have a lovely social time, get a bit merry and enjoy eachitherss company. He won’t drink in front of others and gets anxious if we stay out too late. I think the anxiety is really alcohol withdrawal. I’ve read all the comments about al anon so i will be looking into this for my own sanity. If you’ve read this far thank you. Its hard as I don’t have anyone to be completely honest to about this as he would be so upset and embarrassed if I shared

 

[LittleBird]

Thank you @LittleBird and @Raininvain. He’s come home pretending nothing has happened with another bottle of wine. Apparently I didn’t get anything he said yesterday and he doesn’t want to talk.

According to the NHS guidelines he is on his way to dependency. I can’t live like this anymore, he either needs to get help or it’s over. I’ve put up with his behaviour for too long.

Thank you so much for your words, it’s a relief to get them out of my head. I think I will also call Al Anon, I feel so alone.

Please do not feel alone. I hope that my ex will change every day but will not accept the help. Just today I found out he has split his head open whilst drunk and out of control last night.

You can't help someone until they want to help themselves. Please look after yourself

 

[Gembo]

So here's my update on my person (sister) she did 6 months detox/rehab and has been out since June. One slip up which she admitted to, I've had my doubts on a number of occasions. I always get a 'feeling' when something is on the horizon. Hard to explain as I don't even see her now, but I just know when she is off the rails.
Well, she has been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks, went in all gung ho and has had 2 weekends away with him. We all said it was too soon, this guy was a recovering addict himself. Whilst he seemed nice and was treating her well, it just didn't sit right for any of us. Anyway, he called it a day on Thursday after she had been in hospital for gastroenteritis. He has had a relapse and said the relationship was too much.
My mum walked round to hers and she suspected that evening she had been drinking. She left her to it. She is supposed to see her child today, supervised by my mum. My mum walks round this afternoon, no sign of her. Looks through the windows and cannot see her, apparently bottle of drink on the lounge floor and lounge is in a mess. She didn't turn up to contact. My mum walks round a few hours later, she is on the floor, duvet over her. My mum shouted through the window that she had missed contact and she shouts back 'f off I am still alive'
My mum is just consumed by this. Its clear she is slipping back to old ways. The sleeping, not answering phones, the messy house etc. I feel for my mum and dad, they've paid tens of thousands of pounds for her rehab and she has blown it now.
She will drink her self to death, thats my belief now. She was warned in rehab that she was close to some major health issues.
Its soul destroying having her in my family, she consumes my mum with worry. She just shouldn't be allowed to do this.

I just wanted to vent really xxx

I’m so sorry. Vent away. I feel really angry on your behalf. I understand that alcoholics are in pain but I can just never fully understand why they behave the way they do. I feel very sad that she didn’t go to meet with her child. There’s only so much you can do, you can scream and shout, plead, ignore...until they want to get better though none of it makes a difference. When someone you love drinks them self to death it’s like watching a suicide in slow motion. I just want to send you love, let you know that whatever you are feeling is ok and that others will have felt it too. I hope you can find a way to stay strong for yourself x

 

[Ponponpon]

My Dad was a problem drinker/alcoholic whatever you want to call it and was dead at 57. What I would say to anyone who goes through this with a family member is to forget them, they will do what they want to do whatever! Go live your life for yourself with people who are kind, caring and decent, not alcoholics and drug addicts who will just drag you down. Only the person can change, you cant do it for them.
One of my earliest memories is my Dad collecting me from primary school and he stumbled in the road because he was drunk and fell and knocked all his front teeth out on a curb!. I was so embarrassed when a woman came to help him. She didn't realize it was because he was out of it. Another time he nearly killed us both when he lost control of the car on ice after drinking and driving.
I've never really been a drinker and I dont drink at all now, I just dont like it and I dont like being around drunk people full stop.

My mum used to drink drive with me in the car. Scared the living daylights out of me every second I was in the car. Side note - she was caught for drink driving in my teens, I was her defence. If I had known, I would have been telling the court her story was a lie.

Sending

 

[lozzapaloozza]

You’re definitely not a horrible person it really takes it’s toll. Make the most of the breaks where you can get them. I once read a quote, I can’t remember exactly how it went or even if it was specifically about alcoholics but it said something along the lines of ‘they don’t want their life vest, they want yours’ and I could really relate to that. Your mum may very well be upset in some way that you’re working on yourself and I think that comes from a kind of jealousy because they wish that they could do it but they can’t or won’t so they try to drag down others around them. It does bring up a lot of guilt to have to keep a distance but you can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves x

This made so much sense to me wow! When I would be having fun or buy anything nice for myself she would put me down and make me feel so awful. Like if she was depressed we all had to be, I know she was in such a horrible place so I can understand but that wasn’t right. I feel guilty even saying this

 

[37BBL]

Hi guys

My dad was a functioning alcoholic until I was around 14/15 when he became... unfunctioning? I’m not sure of the term. I haven’t lived with him since I was 16. I’m now in my final year of university (21) and he has relapsed really terribly after being in rehab for the first time. I had been really positive, visiting him loads, doing anything for him. Now I feel more helpless than ever.

The situations he is getting into are scarier and scarier. You all will know the jist but bad hallucinations/terrible forgetfulness/blacking out for days even when sober. Last month he phoned my mum in the early morning saying he had gotten into a fight and lifted by the police. We still don’t know if he hallucinated this or not as our local station had no info but his hands were all scraped. So terrifying as my dad has never in a million years lifted his hand to anyone and I never thought I’d see the day he could. Feels like the beginning of the end and that I am just waiting for the final call.

I know realistically it’s only him that can help himself but I still feel so guilty that I can’t help him. Just completely hopeless at this point - sorry to bring the mood down lol. Now I am just looking for people to chat to about our similar experiences because none of my friends understand and I don’t want to burden them with these crazy situations. My brother and I don’t like to speak to each other about it and if we do we end up just moody and depressed.

You don't need to apologise, we're all here to share our experiences. Personally its really helped me reading that others have gone through these things. I am the same as you in that I don’t discuss this with any friends etc.

It sounds really tough being in your situation. I say well done you for visiting your dad so often, I went the other way and just avoided my sister so I think you're really brave to do that.

I've been there with the Police pick ups, my sister was arrested countless times and bought back in some states after she had been hallucinating and walking miles to get drink. She had no recollection the next day, always very remorseful but it frustrated me as she never understood what it was like from the other side.

Im always waiting for the call that the worst has happened. Fully expect it to, even though she is apparently in recovery.

If you need to talk about your situation, then please feel free to just rant and don't worry about bringing the mood down.

I hope your dad can try and overcome this x

 

[37BBL]

being brutally honest, living with an addict is like being an extra in a movie. The addict is the main character and you lose yourself that you become that extra on the side that no one notice. I believe for the first time today, that it has damaged me and its like a dark cloud hanging over me, and my thoughts scares me as i am just looking for an easy way out.

The analogy is bang on, you feel like you don't exist sometimes and you are just in the shadow of the addict. Everyone gives them the attention and you feel like you are invisible sometimes.
I'm so sorry you are faced with another addiction from your husband. Its awful that you had the hope he had beat the alcohol and he has now begun abusing another substance.
Your post suggests you are really low and struggling. Is there anyone you can talk to? Your parents or a close friend who knows the situation? Sometimes a good vent really helps. Or feel free to rant away to us on here. It does sound like you really need to take a step back and assess what you want. Perhaps a break or walking away is what you need xxxx

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

@Bitofthebubbly - (lol your username is ironic! I know the clip it’s from, it’s hilarious) - that must be so hard. I think functioning alcoholics can be just as dangerous as the chaotic ones whose lives are falling apart. It creeps up - at least that’s my experience. My parent was a high functioning (had a good job, paid all the bills, ran a household with tons of kids running around, had a large social circle, played the part of everyone’s favourite relative, etc) alcoholic for a long long time before the illness really took over. From my childhood, I always remember them drinking loads and I grew up accepting that as normal and didn’t question it until I was a teenager!

It reached a breaking point into my late teens and then came a major decline. Marriage breakdown, job loss, relationship strained (in some cases beyond repair). It was so gradual though, I didn’t really see it coming.

The intense or manic phase of alcoholism that came after this was sustained and I’m still surprised that they survived it. Truly — not saying that to be hyperbolic, but some of the things and situations my parent got themselves into is mind boggling.

Alcohol withdrawal IS SO DANGEROUS, it’s a really scary place to be. I just wanted to say, in spite of all that, recovery IS possible. It begins and ends with the alcoholic. Nothing will change without them choosing to live rather than die to addiction.

Also, from my experience, I had to accept that it is a disease that most people don’t choose to have in order to forgive what had gone before and move on. I’m still not 100% there but I’m in a much better place than in those dark days of feeling like this would be life forever until they died. I feel no shame now in stating there was times I wished they would die to get relief. I know that sounds harsh but it’s a the reality of it.

Sorry for rambling! Sending strength and solidarity to anyone who needs it.

Agree that functioning alcoholics can be just as dangerous. I feel like my parent is a ticking time bomb from a health perspective as they also smoke pretty heavily. I also didn’t question the drinking until I was basically an adult to be honest. As a kid I thought it was just something adults did in the evenings or socially, saw them drunk a few times usually at the odd family party where I was allowed to stay up late but never saw anything too outrageous. Never really pegged the extent of my parents drinking until I was in my teens. In my late teens I used my parents drinking as an excuse to get pissed myself. I never drank every day more like once a week with friends as you tend to at that age, but it definitely influenced me when getting to grips with alcohol myself and not in the best way. I very rarely drink nowadays despite my username, didn’t actually think of the irony of it when posting on this thread lol, gotta love Le Champion

I think your situations highlights a real issue. Alcoholics are stereotyped as a certain type of person, like Onso from Keeping Up Appearances or something, a pub regular etc. The reality is very different and are found in all sections of society. My mum lives in a very affluent area, I went to a private school (not clever enough for a scholarship though!), she's driven nice cars, she had a respectable job before she gave it up to be a stay at home mum... In fact I remember telling my tutor at school and was basically told "no she's not, alcoholics don't have the money to pay our fees".



I've totally thought the bit in bold, many times, including recently. It's always caused me inner turmoil, and actually still does to a degree, but I can perceive it differently to how I did when I first thought it at c 12.

Yes there’s definitely a stereotype isn’t there. It’s accurate for some for sure but lots of people hide their alcoholism so well or keep it behind closed doors. In fact that’s been the more common experience for me. It’s easy to play a role as such for a few hours in front of people then go home and drink a bottle of wine or two in a place you feel safe and hidden from the world and most would be non the wiser. I often find at least with my family that functioning alcoholics also tend to be total workaholics, I wonder if that’s a common theme or not.

This might sound selfish but I’m kind of dreading what’s to come, I have no siblings so I feel a lot of responsibility falls on me to deal with this if and when it boils over unless their siblings step up too. My partners sibling lives abroad and rarely visits home so he’s on his own too really. It’s a lot and I don’t feel grown up enough for it despite being a fully grown adult with a family of my own.

 

[Kezza_69]

I guess alcoholism is different for us all.
My person, was my Mum.
She had 16 sober years before passing away almost 5 years ago.
She was very selfish as a drinker, dragging my sister and I from our beds to go to the off licence, bribing us with a couple of quid to spend on goodies ( it was a lot of money back then )
It was always someone elses fault why she drank, sometimes the weathers fault, but NEVER hers. .
It definitely changed my sister and I's relationship with alcohol.

 

[37BBL]

It definitely helps sharing on here for me too. I think its been quite common for many of us on this thread to not discuss our situations with our 'real life' people. There's so much shame associated with it and when you mention an alcoholic a lot of people just think of the ones slumped in doorways with cans of cider; not people who could actually be part of thier ongoing lives.

For me, I found it a real comfort knowing that so many other people had the same feelings and similar experiences that I had. X

 

[gmf21]

How’s everyone doing? Things are better but I’ve realised how anxious the whole thing has made me. I’m still not sure what to do with some of my feelings about it all, I don’t want to raise it with partner cos they seem to be doing well and I shouldn’t put extra stress on them. Mutual friends know now but they are “his” friends and only one of mine really knows about it all and I don’t want to bore her with it!
Christmas feels a bit scary but I’m trying to have faith and I know I can’t do anything to control what happens.

 

[Annie101]

Oh my goodness I can only imagine how you felt seeing that. You are so strong to have handled it so calmly, your inner strength is incredible. I hope you don’t mind me saying that the difference in your messages now from when the thread started is incredible. You seem like a different person in how you handle his alcoholism, and it’s truly wonderful to see.

Thank you, i noticed it too, i am sure all of you guys and some coaching helped

 

[Drea1984]

There is a real culture of “over drinking” in my family. And I mean all of them.
I hate it. I barely drink, I’m not tee total but can really take it or leave it.
I find it disgusting to be honest. And boring. My brother is a full blown alcoholic and my daughter drinks way too much. My ex could never stop when he started either.
I feel I’m surrounded by these people who can’t get a grip.
I’m sick to death of being the grown up?
awful things have happened to be and I’m not drinking myself to death?
it’s so hard to deal with

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I think it can be hard to say. My mum was given 6-8 weeks but went on for another just over 2 years. I think it depends how severe it is and if the person has stopped drinking. I hope you are ok xx

Thank you (and everyone who has replied).
It's my eldest child's dad. We haven't been in a relationship for many, many years but he has had a relationship with our child over the years.
He's been through rehab twice but unfortunately relapsed. He's currently in hospital with severe liver failure and Covid and his wife has been told that CPR is unlikely to be successful if he deteriorates. If he responds well to Covid treatment, his liver damage is severe and won't improve from this point.
My son asked me if I could give him a time frame. He's autistic which complicates things because I need to be accurate with anything I say. I have told him I don't have the answers but this adds an extra element of fear to things for him. He's been struggling lately as it is and hasn't taken the news well.

 

[Definitelyme]

Hey all. I don’t know if it’s in the genes but it seems familial. My husbands mum is a big drinker. He is a functioning drinker. He drinks approx half a litre of rum a night. He’s a decent guy hard working, kind, thoughtful. When he has had a few he doesn’t get drunk in a way that i would if I’d had a few. He may slur his speech but the worse thing is he gets mean, he will stew on things and just be mean. But it’s mean in an insidious way.....not sure if I’m describing it well. He sleeps so restlessly and therefore is tired every day. when we are out walking he has to stop moving if he can feel his bowels move as he can’t be sure he won’t soil himself. He recognises there is a problem but will recognise it and then say “but I do a lot of good things” like these good things cancel out the damage his drinking does to him. He is 43 now and scared of dying early, his dad died at 62 of a heart attack. I find it very very hard to understand, I don’t drink at home, I just go out once a month with friends and we have a lovely social time, get a bit merry and enjoy eachitherss company. He won’t drink in front of others and gets anxious if we stay out too late. I think the anxiety is really alcohol withdrawal. I’ve read all the comments about al anon so i will be looking into this for my own sanity. If you’ve read this far thank you. Its hard as I don’t have anyone to be completely honest to about this as he would be so upset and embarrassed if I shared

Sending you lots of love. My mum is a functioning alcoholic. She’s now retired but she held down a very highly thought of job, she volunteered for lots of charities etc. To the outside world she was a model citizen. At night, she drank and drank. My dad said she would scream and shout at him, call him all sorts of names, lie etc during those times. She’d pass out on the living room floor regularly. But none of that showed to the outside as she appeared to be totally normal in her work life.

But she had a big problem. She also didn’t drink in front of others at family events etc, most likely As she knew she couldn’t control it.

There are lots of ways alcoholism presents, and it sounds as if your husband is similar to my mum. If alcohol is a problem, it’s a problem, no matter how much and when they drink. Do look in to al anon and they can maybe guide you forward to help get him some help. He may be upset and embarrassed, but if you are currently living with someone who is mean, and whose health is in question, because of drinking, that’s just something he will have to take in order to help make both your lives better

 

[lozzapaloozza]

It definitely helps sharing on here for me too. I think its been quite common for many of us on this thread to not discuss our situations with our 'real life' people. There's so much shame associated with it and when you mention an alcoholic a lot of people just think of the ones slumped in doorways with cans of cider; not people who could actually be part of thier ongoing lives.

For me, I found it a real comfort knowing that so many other people had the same feelings and similar experiences that I had. X

Always here for you, it’s so true about the stigma

 

[Annie101]

HI everybody, just checking in and hope you all ok. Husband still sober, going to AA daily. I am going on holiday on Sunday leaving him by himself, so of course i am a little nervous that i am not at home checking on him. But I really do not time away recovering from all the 2021 trauma.
I hope you and the addict in your life recovery and forgiveness.

Love to you all