A relationship with someone you fancy

[Whaaaaat]

She owes him absolutely nothing IMO.

That’s hilarious of course she owes him something, he’s her bloody husband. And sounds like a nice man who at least deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.

And she certainly owes her children something so any moves OP makes should be made with them in mind.

 

[Laur91]

OP - What would you do differently if you could turn back time? Would you still marry this man or would you have the confidence to walk away?

Two reasons for asking, it might help you figure out how you truly feel and secondly I feel like this is my life at 25 years old and I have a huge fear of staying in this relationship because I don’t think I can get any better.

Edited to add - watching pretty woman probably isn’t helping!

Similar to what I would suggest to OP, you owe it to both yourself and your partner to take time out and work on yourself. You’re not doing anyone any favours to be making serious decisions about your future and your partners future whilst you feel insecure. Who is that fair on? It’s not your partners fault that you feel like you ‘don’t think you can get any better’. Why do they deserve that?

Surely the fact you're saying you have a huge fear of staying in your relationship cos you’re worried you won’t find anything better is a big sign that you need to work on things and perhaps not be in a relationship at all?

It seems we rely too much on romantic relationships and other people to boost our confidence and self esteem when really we can do that on our own in so many ways and we can do it without anyone else getting hurt in the long run.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

It seems we rely too much on romantic relationships and other people to boost our confidence and self esteem when really we can do that on our own in so many ways and we can do it without anyone else getting hurt in the long run.

Yes! Exactly this.

 

[coconochanel]

Have you thought about the fact that if you had married someone you fancied you might not fancy him anymore?

 

[Meldrumlurker]

Very interesting thread and some lovely answers. I am similar age, been with husband similar length of time, kids, nice guy, etc. Personally I think you need to spend a bit of time on yourself, you've mentioned low self esteem,having a pt, so obviously working on your health/fitness. How old are your kids? Ours are teenagers so we are now hitting the years of a bit more free time, quite often just us in front of the TV in the evenings etc. Are you reflecting a bit on your life in general just now? Maybe time to put yourself first for a bit and work out why you are looking for something that to be honest you may never have. If your pt slipped you his number, would you still fancy him as much? Maybe if you felt a bit better about yourself then you might be able to find a spark with your husband? He also sounds totally amazing and in my view, 9/10 is not worth throwing away for a potential 1/10. I have also been on the other side and have a husband who started an affair a few years ago and it is utterly devastating. I knew we were having a rough time but I never thought for a minute he would turn elsewhere. To be fair he was horrified with himself when I found out and broke it off immediately and we did work through it, but it is really is something I wont ever forget. You do come across as a lovely person and I cant imagine you would want that on your conscience. Good luck and I hope you come to some kind of resolution that you can be happy and live with xx

 

[BettyCrocker]

So is it right that they both continue living a lie? thats worse in my opinion. He'd get over it, people split up everyday of the week and move on. Just because she made some bad decisions early on means nothing. She owes him absolutely nothing IMO. I think you have to put yourself first sorry if that offends anyone. You only have 1 life.

I don’t think it’s fair to say “oh well, he’d just get over it if she left him” - I think that’s a very naive way of thinking. I’m pretty sure any husband or partner would be completely devastated if they found out their entire relationship had been built on a lie from day 1. To find out that the person they love is physically repulsed by them/has never been attracted to them, doesn’t particularly want to have sex with them but lays back and thinks if England to keep them happy - that would absolutely bleeping crush someone. It’s a huge betrayal of everything marriage is supposed to represent.

yes of course, we only get 1 life and yes you have to make thes best of it but I’m sorry, that doesn’t give anyone carte Blanche to act like a selfish bastard. She has systematically deceived this man, built a life with him based on a lie. This poor guy hasn’t done anything wrong, by all accounts he’s near enough the perfect bloody husband. She owes him a lot.

 

[Flossy2019]

Ahh mate we have an active Love Honey account and all the rest (he is happy with our sex life, and I comply bcos he works hard and he gets grumpy when’re goes without sex) , but essentially he’s my hilarious best friend. I bleeping love him; he is a great Dad and an all round person, but the most awful thing to admit is that from my perspective i never felt that initial attraction and still don’t. I blame myself for this, not him.

I don’t mean to be rude but why did you marry him if you don’t fancy him?

I don’t think it’s fair to say “oh well, he’d just get over it if she left him” - I think that’s a very naive way of thinking. I’m pretty sure any husband or partner would be completely devastated if they found out their entire relationship had been built on a lie from day 1. To find out that the person they love is physically repulsed by them/has never been attracted to them, doesn’t particularly want to have sex with them but lays back and thinks if England to keep them happy - that would absolutely bleeping crush someone. It’s a huge betrayal of everything marriage is supposed to represent.

yes of course, we only get 1 life and yes you have to make thes best of it but I’m sorry, that doesn’t give anyone carte Blanche to act like a selfish bastard. She has systematically deceived this man, built a life with him based on a lie. This poor guy hasn’t done anything wrong, by all accounts he’s near enough the perfect bloody husband. She owes him a lot.

I absolutely agree!!!! Imagine how you would feel ( I’m sorry I don’t know how long you have been married) if someone you thought loved you etc told you they never fancied you. That would absolutely break his heart. I think if you want to leave him just tell him you don’t want to be with him anymore. It would take ages for him to get over something like that and he probably wouldn’t trust another woman again. And I don’t think because your 40 is a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage ( on your part) loads of people get married again later on in life. 40 isn’t even old. But I think if you genuinely don’t want to be with him let him down gently. But I do have to say one thing the grass isn’t always greener. What if you find someone you fancy but they are a tit partner tit father and all round general tit person but it’s ok if you fancy them? I think like someone else has said you have 9/10. No one is perfect and no one has 10/10.

 

[caitlinbullen]

@admin can I ask for this whole thread to be removed please? It feels like I've opened a can of worms and the negative commentary on my life choices might never end.

I'm habitually quite robust but hey ho I guess we're all sensitive in our own way.

I appreciate that I should have anticipated this in advance, and won't be making the mistake twice- pinky promise

 

[Begborrowsteal]

@admin can I ask for this whole thread to be removed please? It feels like I've opened a can of worms and the negative commentary on my life choices might never end.

I'm habitually quite robust but hey ho I guess we're all sensitive in our own way.

I appreciate that I should have anticipated this in advance, and won't be making the mistake twice- pinky promise

Report it and itll be deleted x

 

[caitlinbullen]

Report it and itll be deleted x

Thanks. Have reported and also emailed them. Shame bcos so many pple were so empathetic (and have genuinely opened my eyes to the fact that a lot of it is on me and I need to work on myself), but it seems there is always a minority or judgements arseholes. I sympathise with influencers a little tonight