A relationship with someone you fancy

[caitlinbullen]

Context
Enjoyed a fairly average 17-24 age group experience-too many one night stands and 1-2 serious relationships lasting 12 mths or more. I noticed a depressing pattern that I never seemed to be fancied by the person I liked, so I became used to settling for the person that showed interest in me. I have always been insecure and not confident in myself. My now husband came along when I was 24, I was horribly insecure, and fresh out of a relationship with an awful twit. My husband fell in love with me and perused me quite fervently. He proposed and I accepted (sounds like a bad Jane Austin novel, sorry!). I didn’t fancy him, but he was persistent, kind, sweet, and a constant in my life when I was being fucked about by duck boys ().

Current Situation
We have 3 children, a comfortable life for 18 yrs. He works, I don’t, but I have a career I could return to if needed. He is an amazing father, an attentive husband, funny, kind, loyal, helpful around the house, a great work ethic. He is basically the perfect man, and a generally great human being, except that I have never fancied him. We have sex on average once a week- it’s varied and enjoyable (I always organism, but tbh I‘d rather not bother at all bcos I don’t fancy my husband )- we enjoy a decent sex life so there’s no mileage in all the agony aunt stuff about reinvigorating our sex life.

Question
I have a marriage that ticks 9/10 boxes (lovely husband, good work ethic, kind, good father, funny, contributes financially, generally a really bleeping good person), but the 1/10 is killing me now that I’m 40. I am grateful for my life......really grateful, but I have never felt the touch of someone who I fancy. I crave the feeling of kissing a man that makes my tummy tingle and just generally the physical touch of being with someone that I fancy. I don’t think I want to go on tinder or anything.....I mean dear lord....I don’t just want sex with a random??? I don’t want to leave my marriage, but I fantasise about a physical relationship with someone that I fancy more and more. As I become older, conversely I become increasingly indignant that I have lived a life devoid of sexual passion.... I am not willing to leave my forties without experiencing that (a close friend died at 40 and it really shook me).

Interested in an objective opinion. Do your worst

 

[TinyDancer2602]

I do wonder does there come a point in a marriage (three kids here also), if you crave a bit of ‘strange’. Or even just the thrill of the chase again. It would be lovely to be back there but simultaneously it would be awful to be back there. Nothing helpful to add unfortunately. Interested to hear other people’s views!

 

[laughing]

I think you have it far better than most do.

Is that 1/10 really that bad that you want to give up the 9/10??

Suck it up and just be happy with your 9/10. So many people crave that.

 

[OutrageouslyScarlet]

I think basically you have 2 options, you discuss it with your husband and potentially try a open marriage, in which you’d have to work out how you’d feel thinking about him with someone else too. Or 2 suck it up (sorry in the nicest possible way) I don’t think being single and out to meet new people that excite you would be as fun as you think.
I know the excitement is great but it’s the silly little things you’d miss if you left now.

 

[ChampagneBox]

Okay so I’m only 25 and not married so I can’t really say a lot but Is there anything you could do to change things up? Anything he can do? This might sound shallow as I know it’s not all about looks but you do have to have that initial physical attraction to someone, could he change his dress sense/do anything aesthetically different to improve things? i know it sounds awful lol it’s just my two cents

Edited to add: I’m only 25 but recently been feeling a similar way to you, been in a relationship 4 years but I just don’t know I crave more excitement/sex with someone I fancy..do you think lockdown has amplified these feelings for you?

 

[caitlinbullen]

I think you have it far better than most do.

Is that 1/10 really that bad that you want to give up the 9/10??

Suck it up and just be happy with your 9/10. So many people crave that.

I think I probably need to hear that and you are right. I do often think so you know what I’d swap what I have in a second, for an amazing, fancy-able, sexual relationship, but then I’d end up with a sexy twit that was a tit Dad, a generally horrible person, a crappy Dad etc, and the sensual touch of a bloke that I fancy might lose its appeal.

it’s hard to take when you’re 40 and have never snogged someone you’ve fancied tho

 

[Mulholland Drive]

I think I probably need to hear that and you are right. I do often think so you know what I’d swap what I have in a second, for an amazing, fancy-able, sexual relationship, but then I’d end up with a sexy twit that was a tit Dad, a generally horrible person, a crappy Dad etc, and the sensual touch of a bloke that I fancy might lose its appeal.

it’s hard to take when you’re 40 and have never snogged someone you’ve fancied tho

Another consideration is that good-looking men can pick and choose who they go out with. So you might find somebody but after a while he might find you boring and move on to someone else because he knows he's good looking and therefore desirable to other women.

 

[caitlinbullen]

Okay so I’m only 25 and not married so I can’t really say a lot but Is there anything you could do to change things up? Anything he can do? This might sound shallow as I know it’s not all about looks but you do have to have that initial physical attraction to someone, could he change his dress sense/do anything aesthetically different to improve things? i know it sounds awful lol it’s just my two cents

Edited to add: I’m only 25 but recently been feeling a similar way to you, been in a relationship 4 years but I just don’t know I crave more excitement/sex with someone I fancy..do you think lockdown has amplified these feelings for you?

Ahh mate we have an active Love Honey account and all the rest (he is happy with our sex life, and I comply bcos he works hard and he gets grumpy when’re goes without sex) , but essentially he’s my hilarious best friend. I bleeping love him; he is a great Dad and an all round person, but the most awful thing to admit is that from my perspective i never felt that initial attraction and still don’t. I blame myself for this, not him.

 

[bringingdownthebs]

While this is an anon site I feel like I can safely say this here... I’m almost 30 and have had multiple affairs because of similar reasons. My husband has never found out and if he did he’d be utterly heartbroken (although he deffo isn’t as perfect as your husband sounds! He’s really not a great husband, although he is a fairly decent father to our little boy). However, I can categorically say that the sexual thrill has NEVER been worth it for me and I’m so over that now. I don’t want to say I’m full of regrets because I don’t believe in regretting things you’ve done as you can’t go back and change that... but I do wish I’d realised what was at stake before making stupid decisions based on impulse and sexual desire!

 

[ChampagneBox]

Ahh mate we have an active Love Honey account and all the rest, but essentially he’s my hilarious best friend. I bleeping love him; he is a great Dad and an all round person, but the most awful thing to admit is that from my perspective i never felt that initial attraction and still don’t. I blame myself for this, not him.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you feel what you feel and you’re allowed to feel it Sometimes it’s good to really sit and think and allow the thought in and think ‘what is this really about?’ And like you say, it’s probably something to do with your friend sadly passing away in their 40s x

 

[caitlinbullen]

While this is an anon site I feel like I can safely say this here... I’m almost 30 and have had multiple affairs because of similar reasons. My husband has never found out and if he did he’d be utterly heartbroken (although he deffo isn’t as perfect as your husband sounds! He’s really not a great husband, although he is a fairly decent father to our little boy). However, I can categorically say that the sexual thrill has NEVER been worth it for me and I’m so over that now. I don’t want to say I’m full of regrets because I don’t believe in regretting things you’ve done as you can’t go back and change that... but I do wish I’d realised what was at stake before making stupid decisions based on impulse and sexual desire!

Really appreciative of your input, thank you!

 

[laughing]

Sorry. I came across a bit harse.
But your next comment was correct. You may have a passionate sex with someone but they may be Crap in most other ways.

Most don't get 10/10, but your not doing too bad.

 

[Magee]

In 10 years time, would you regret not having an intense and passionate encounter/relationship with someone else?

I think if you’re going to do this and act upon your urges, you really need to let your husband down gently. Don’t say you’re not sexually attracted to him, it would destroy him, and that’s not fair as he’s been the perfect husband and father

 

[caitlinbullen]

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you feel what you feel and you’re allowed to feel it Sometimes it’s good to really sit and think and allow the thought in and think ‘what is this really about?’ And like you say, it’s probably something to do with your friend sadly passing away in their 40s x

Yep it definitely hit hard (she had split up with her husband 12 mts before and was enjoying her freedom b4 her diagnosis), and strangely that’s what made me realise that I don’t wanna die without being physically with someone that I fancy. It kinda made me think- some girls get to experience when they’re teenagers, and yet here I am aged 40

I do wonder does there come a point in a marriage (three kids here also), if you crave a bit of ‘strange’. Or even just the thrill of the chase again. It would be lovely to be back there but simultaneously it would be awful to be back there. Nothing helpful to add unfortunately. Interested to hear other people’s views!

I think you’re right. If I’d fancied him when we got married I’d judge it as a ‘novelty’ thing right now. But I think I feel hard done by bcos it’s not your average ‘I don’t fancy him anymore’ but more of a ‘I never fancied him, he’s a great person, but now I just feel like I’ve missed a huge part of my life’ thing?? It’s my mistake, but I feel an ache inside to correct it. How nice must it feel to put your arms around someone you truly fancy? I REALLY want to know.

 

[ChampagneBox]

Yep it definitely hit hard (she had split up with her husband 12 mts before and was enjoying her freedom b4 her diagnosis), and strangely that’s what made me realise that I don’t wanna die without being physically with someone that I fancy. It kinda made me think- some girls get to experience when they’re teenagers, and yet here I am aged 40


I think you’re right. If I’d fancied him when we got married I’d judge it as a ‘novelty’ thing right now. But I think I feel hard done by bcos it’s not your average ‘I don’t fancy him anymore’ but more of a ‘I never fancied him, he’s a great person, but now I just feel like I’ve missed a huge part of my life’ thing?? It’s my mistake, but I feel an ache inside to correct it. How nice must it feel to put your arms around someone you truly fancy? I REALLY want to know.

I get what you’re saying. I feel that ache too but for something different

 

[caitlinbullen]

Sorry. I came across a bit harse.
But your next comment was correct. You may have a passionate sex with someone but they may be Crap in most other ways.

Most don't get 10/10, but your not doing too bad.

I think that’s the thing that makes it tricky- my husband is totally a keeper!! But I’m increasingly sad that I have never, and probably will never, get to fool around with someone who makes my tummy flutter. Like EVER. FFS I think I deserve responses from your ladies that will just tell me to get fucked and be grateful for my amazing husband

I get what you’re saying. I feel that ache too but for something different

Eh?

 

[Saddlesoap]

Hmm interesting thread.

You keep saying you want someone you really fancy - what feelings are missing that you think you should be experiencing?

Honestly, I think really passionate relationships are overrated and from friends I know in them - they sound really hard to maintain. I'm not sure I 'fancy' my husband anymore. I love him, he's the person I want to lie next to at night and tell something funny to after a long day. We are best mates as well as spouses.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

When I was at uni I started seeing a guy who I really fancied, like really fancied! We would have sex sometimes 4 times a night and then go again in the morning before we parted ways and it was always incredible! It was the first time I’d ever had sex with someone who I fancied and who I had passion with, even though I’d been in a relationship before him for four years (with a guy I didn’t fancy!)

the problem was, he was a huge twit. He played hard to get right from the beginning, but I’m a dignified woman so I kept my distance and didn’t beg and I think the thrill of the chase made it all so intense and passionate. He would also ignore me for days after we had met up and after I had stayed over and he never ever let on about his feelings, I honestly believe this is the reason why I fancied him so bad and why we had such passionate sex.

the reason I think this? Because when he had was pretty much done with me altogether, I met another guy (my current partner) on a night out. It wasn’t fancy at first sight or anything and to be honest, it took me ages to agree to a date with him because even though he was lovely, I just didn’t feel like I fancied him...

Anyway eventually I agreed to a date and he’s an amazing man, the perfect partner in pretty much every way and I am so so so lucky to have him, but our sex life is totally different. We do have good sex and sometimes very passionate sex, but I don’t think I’ve ever fancied him as such, although I do think he’s good looking. We’ve never had a sex life like I did with my ex though, but I think that’s because he’s always been so lovely and there’s never been a “chase”.

We are almost six years in and I am very happy in our relationship and I would never leave him. I think I’d have to be treated like tit to get that passion and it isn’t worth it.

 

[ChampagneBox]

I get what you’re saying. I feel that ache too but for something different

[/QUOTE]
I feel the ache with the missed a part of your life thing, just not in a relationship sense, I’ve missed out on stuff in the past due to various reasons but I understand how you feel to ache for something you’ve missed out on

 

[Begborrowsteal]

The thrill of lusting after someone is fun, but whats most important to you in a relationship? Its not fair (for want of a better word) that you dont get to experience that, and you go along with sex and keep trying knowing its just not that kind of connection either though.

I'd normally say to talk about it but it would be crushing to hear!