A relationship with someone you fancy

[littlepup]

I just have one more perspective. Perhaps a lot people/media etc talk about the fleeting excitement of those 'phwoar' moments because they never get to experience the feeling of being truly loved, because that's so much rarer. And if they do, they realise it goes without saying that it's amazing. It's not cool to talk about being happily married like it is to talk about some sexual conquest, which is probably ultimately not fulfilling so you have to big up the good bits.

You have a fella that supports and loves you, satisfies you in bed, makes you laugh and slaps you on the arse when you're making sarnies...after having kids even. That is the absolute dream for many.
You have lobster, beach-side in the Maldives, it's just missing the garlic butter to make it perfect. You've heard people talk about how good fish and chips in Brighton is. And it really is, and you really want to try it, and it's tit that they've all done it but you can't get to Brighton...... But maybe it's only their favorite only because they've not had the lobster in the Maldives.

Personally, I cannot stress enough how over rated lust is compared to a good relationship IMO. Though I entirely understand FOMO and wanting what you can't have no matter how many times someone tells you it'd be disappointing, so i'm not dismissing the desire, just saying be clear what it is. You wouldn't desire the thing you were missing out on if it didn't seem so good.

 

[Kim Mild]

The people who I've proper fancied and had the sparks and excitement aren't the people I've had long /proper relationships with . I think the fancying is pretty much just lust.

I think you're probably having a bit of a mid life crisis so to speak. I certainly wouldn't be ending a decent sounding relationship just because you don't feel like you fancy him . I also think fancying someone is a rather immature emotion.
Someone I knows bloke left her because he fancied someone else, but she wasn't interested in him, he threw away his marriage cos of it .

If you actually meet the person you fancy ,and are in a position to date each other, then your marriage is probably over and you should end it. I think you would lose more than you gain if you leave on the off chance of finding this excitement you crave.

 

[caitlinbullen]

I was do reluctant to post and I am glad that I did so thank you for all your replies. It's so useful to have so many (non-judgemental) perspectives and it's made me re-evaluate my internal narrative about it all even just in the last day.

 

[avocado4guacamole]

I am truly appalled and shocked by some of the answers here telling you to just suck it up. What kind of backwards view of life and womanhood is that?
The way you describe sex resembles the way I describe ironing - an irritating chore. You’re not wrong for wanting to experience passion, desire and actually good sex for you. I understand that there is more than sex to life and a relationship but it’s an essential part nonetheless. That’s the reason why you have sex with your husband isn’t it? You’ve accepted that he needs sex for your marriage to work and his overall well-being but what about yours? Why is his sex life more important than yours? Being fancied and desired is such a powerful feeling, I would never want anyone not to experience it.
I‘m not saying that you should get a divorce but I really think you should make your sexuality a priority in your life. Explore passion on your own and then talk to your husband. If he’s really as great as you make him out to be he will be supportive and will want you to feel desired.

P.S.: Not all sexy men are twats. I’ve only been with men I’ve fancied like crazy and they all treated me well.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

The people who I've proper fancied and had the sparks and excitement aren't the people I've had long /proper relationships with . I think the fancying is pretty much just lust.

I think you're probably having a bit of a mid life crisis so to speak. I certainly wouldn't be ending a decent sounding relationship just because you don't feel like you fancy him . I also think fancying someone is a rather immature emotion.
Someone I knows bloke left her because he fancied someone else, but she wasn't interested in him, he threw away his marriage cos of it .

If you actually meet the person you fancy ,and are in a position to date each other, then your marriage is probably over and you should end it. I think you would lose more than you gain if you leave on the off chance of finding this excitement you crave.

This sounds good, but it makes me wonder if you had lust in your life? It sounds like it.

It is a bit difficult for someone who hasnt experienced something to be told that it isn’t so great after all.... Like if you never had coffee, how do you know that you really prefer tea?

I find that the OP is in a really tricky predicamen.

I am truly appalled and shocked by some of the answers here telling you to just suck it up. What kind of backwards view of life and womanhood is that?
The way you describe sex resembles the way I describe ironing - an irritating chore. You’re not wrong for wanting to experience passion, desire and actually good sex for you. I understand that there is more than sex to life and a relationship but it’s an essential part nonetheless. That’s the reason why you have sex with your husband isn’t it? You’ve accepted that he needs sex for your marriage to work and his overall well-being but what about yours? Why is his sex life more important than yours? Being fancied and desired is such a powerful feeling, I would never want anyone not to experience it.
I‘m not saying that you should get a divorce but I really think you should make your sexuality a priority in your life. Explore passion on your own and then talk to your husband. If he’s really as great as you make him out to be he will be supportive and will want you to feel desired.

P.S.: Not all sexy men are twats. I’ve only been with men I’ve fancied like crazy and they all treated me well.

I like the comparison to ironing. I agree that the OP should talk to her husband. He seems to be a good listener and able to handle it and work something out

 

[caitlinbullen]

I am truly appalled and shocked by some of the answers here telling you to just suck it up. What kind of backwards view of life and womanhood is that?
The way you describe sex resembles the way I describe ironing - an irritating chore. You’re not wrong for wanting to experience passion, desire and actually good sex for you. I understand that there is more than sex to life and a relationship but it’s an essential part nonetheless. That’s the reason why you have sex with your husband isn’t it? You’ve accepted that he needs sex for your marriage to work and his overall well-being but what about yours? Why is his sex life more important than yours? Being fancied and desired is such a powerful feeling, I would never want anyone not to experience it.
I‘m not saying that you should get a divorce but I really think you should make your sexuality a priority in your life. Explore passion on your own and then talk to your husband. If he’s really as great as you make him out to be he will be supportive and will want you to feel desired.

P.S.: Not all sexy men are twats. I’ve only been with men I’ve fancied like crazy and they all treated me well.

Bless you, I can see that your intentions are good and I appreciate it. Nonetheless, it was me that made the choice to marry and have 3 kids with a man that I have no physical desire for, so I think it's a bit rich for me to blame anyone but myself for the consequences of my decisions 15yrs down the line now that I've started to feel hard done by.

It's a fascinating point that you make though, that yes I 100% have sex with him because I acknowledge how important it is for him, and his overall well-being. I have pushed down my needs in that regard for 15 yrs and there is a little part of me that thinks duck it...I just want a bit of that now thanks.....even just once.....!

Playing devils advocate I sometimes think well yeah of course it's all ok for him- he gets to sleep with someone he fancies like mad pretty much as often as he wants.Fucker!!

On reflection I think that the phrase "You made your bed; go lie in it" is probably the most apt. I married him because he was kind, funny, loyal, and hard-working etc. I knew I didn't fancy him so that's kinda on me I think. It gets me down a bit sometimes, but on a day-to-day basis I have a largely happy and fulfilled life so.....meh!

I probably should start a separate thread for people to share their 'affair disaster stories' so that I can satisfy myself that it could/would all end so badly!! Or the opposite....a 'your best steamy sex moments' thread so that I can love vicariously through that!

 

[Lulu Goss]

I probably should start a separate thread for people to share their 'affair disaster stories' so that I can satisfy myself that it could/would all end so badly!!

Now that would make interesting reading!

 

[Raininvain]

If you can support yourself by returning to your career then I do this and leave him. You can stay friends for the sake of the children. You may or may not meet someone else but surely anything is better than being stuck shagging someone you don't fancy. I couldn't do that its just soul destroying. You cant turn back the clock of time, but you only live one life.
You deserve some happiness and personal fulfilment instead of just having to lie back and think of England. I'd be honest with him and tell him I didnt want to be in a relationship with him. If he really pushed then I would be honest and say you cant go on having sex with him full stop. We all have people telling us some very hard truths, Its sad but its a part of life.
Also its not really as simple as being your fault because we all try to do the best we can for ourselves at the time. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Bless you, I can see that your intentions are good and I appreciate it. Nonetheless, it was me that made the choice to marry and have 3 kids with a man that I have no physical desire for, so I think it's a bit rich for me to blame anyone but myself for the consequences of my decisions 15yrs down the line now that I've started to feel hard done by.

It's a fascinating point that you make though, that yes I 100% have sex with him because I acknowledge how important it is for him, and his overall well-being. I have pushed down my needs in that regard for 15 yrs and there is a little part of me that thinks duck it...I just want a bit of that now thanks.....even just once.....!

Playing devils advocate I sometimes think well yeah of course it's all ok for him- he gets to sleep with someone he fancies like mad pretty much as often as he wants.Fucker!!

On reflection I think that the phrase "You made your bed; go lie in it" is probably the most apt. I married him because he was kind, funny, loyal, and hard-working etc. I knew I didn't fancy him so that's kinda on me I think. It gets me down a bit sometimes, but on a day-to-day basis I have a largely happy and fulfilled life so.....meh!

I probably should start a separate thread for people to share their 'affair disaster stories' so that I can satisfy myself that it could/would all end so badly!! Or the opposite....a 'your best steamy sex moments' thread so that I can love vicariously through that!

Of course you are responsible for your own actions.
But you made the best decision for you at the time. No need to feel guilty.

Now you want more and that’s ok also.
It is human.

It sounds like you are sometimes a bit resentful as you denied your own needs for so long.

I think it is positive that you reflect your feelings and are aware of them. You do t need to change anything, not today and not ever, but if one day you decide to make a change Athen that is fine also

 

[GossipMongoose]

I am truly appalled and shocked by some of the answers here telling you to just suck it up. What kind of backwards view of life and womanhood is that?
The way you describe sex resembles the way I describe ironing - an irritating chore. You’re not wrong for wanting to experience passion, desire and actually good sex for you. I understand that there is more than sex to life and a relationship but it’s an essential part nonetheless. That’s the reason why you have sex with your husband isn’t it? You’ve accepted that he needs sex for your marriage to work and his overall well-being but what about yours? Why is his sex life more important than yours? Being fancied and desired is such a powerful feeling, I would never want anyone not to experience it.
I‘m not saying that you should get a divorce but I really think you should make your sexuality a priority in your life. Explore passion on your own and then talk to your husband. If he’s really as great as you make him out to be he will be supportive and will want you to feel desired.

P.S.: Not all sexy men are twats. I’ve only been with men I’ve fancied like crazy and they all treated me well.

Thats true but the OP has children with her 9/10 partner. She hasn’t just got her libido to consider in all of this. What does “he will be supportive and want you to feel desired” mean? Let her sleep with other people? End the marriage so she can pursue sexual relationships? Ending her (by her own admission 90% perfect) marriage and putting her children through divorce, potential house moves and shared custody is a massive gamble. Plus, finding this ‘other man’ who is 10/10 will also have to tick another complicated box - stepfather.

Is it really worth decimating your family, the lives of your children and your husband (a man you love) for the fizz? Divorce is expensive and painful. You might not find that missing 10%. You might find another 9/10 with the sex box ticked but one of the other important boxes unticked. It’s a gamble, especially when you are leaving an essentially ‘happy relationship’ to find a unicorn. The truth is that you can end a marriage or a relationship for any reason you like but it gets complicated when kids are in the mix.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Thats true but the OP has children with her 9/10 partner. She hasn’t just got her libido to consider in all of this. What does “he will be supportive and want you to feel desired” mean? Let her sleep with other people? End the marriage so she can pursue sexual relationships? Ending her (by her own admission 90% perfect) marriage and putting her children through divorce, potential house moves and shared custody is a massive gamble. Plus, finding this ‘other man’ who is 10/10 will also have to tick another complicated box - stepfather.

Is it really worth decimating your family, the lives of your children and your husband (a man you love) for the fizz? Divorce is expensive and painful. You might not find that missing 10%. You might find another 9/10 with the sex box ticked but one of the other important boxes unticked. It’s a gamble, especially when you are leaving an essentially ‘happy relationship’ to find a unicorn. The truth is that you can end a marriage or a relationship for any reason you like but it gets complicated when kids are in the mix.

She could start by talking to him. Maybe they could even have an open marriage.
A separation is a long way off

 

[littlepup]

If you can support yourself by returning to your career then I do this and leave him. You may or may not meet someone else but surely anything is better than being stuck shagging someone you don't fancy. I couldn't do that its just soul destroying.
You deserve some happiness and personal fulfilment instead of just having to lie back and think of England.

I sincerely hope you don’t marry and have kids then your Husband suffers an Illness, or weight gain/loss, or hair loss, or any kind of thing that might make him less attractive to you.
‘Any thing is better’ - this is soneone’s marriage, a whole life. Sitting a bed sit away from your kids because you left them to pursue your sexual needs probably isn’t better.

OPare you not at all attracted to your OH or is it just he doesn’t light you on fire? Because that two very different things. If you’ve suppressed for 15 years wanting to shag someone you find sexy that’s different to having absolutely zero interest in a physical relationship with your OH and only doing it out of duty.

If a man left his wife And family because he didn’t fancy his wife anymore I feel like a lot of people wouldn’t be saying ‘you deserve more. You deserve to shag someone you fancy, it’s the right thing to do’ perhaps

 

[GossipMongoose]

She could start by talking to him. Maybe they could even have an open marriage.
A separation is a long way off

Yes, talking is a start. However, I think it’s naive to suggest that ‘separation is a long way off’ though, for a lot of couples this conversation would be the catalyst for the beginning of the end. OP needs to be prepared for that possibility.

I think I’d maybe attend private counselling (alone) about it with someone like Relate. Explore your own feelings and what you actually want out of it in a structured way.

 

[PennyLane321]

I can’t help but think about how hurt her husband would be if were ever to stumble upon this thread (hopefully this is very unlikely). If I found out my partner was joking about having to be talked out of starting an affair I’d be devastated . If you’re truly unhappy then you need to have a serious think about what to do but if you’re considering breaking up your family for some Shirley Valentine fantasy you could stand to lose a lot more than you’d gain

 

[caitlinbullen]

Ending her (by her own admission 90% perfect) marriage and putting her children through divorce, potential house moves and shared custody is a massive gamble. Plus, finding this ‘other man’ who is 10/10 will also have to tick another complicated box - stepfather.

Is it really worth decimating your family, the lives of your children and your husband (a man you love) for the fizz? Divorce is expensive and painful. You might not find that missing 10%. You might find another 9/10 with the sex box ticked but one of the other important boxes unticked. It’s a gamble, especially when you are leaving an essentially ‘happy relationship’ to find a unicorn. The truth is that you can end a marriage or a relationship for any reason you like but it gets complicated when kids are in the mix.

And it’s interesting isn’t it, because in my original post I was clear that I don’t want to end my marriage. It’s 90% bloody amazing and I don’t take that for granted for a second. In all likelihood I’d find a new relationship that fulfilled my physical needs, but he’d be a lazy, cheating, irritating bastard

In all honesty, I think I’d just quite like a brief non-committal affair where I could enjoy some passion and desire (mutual!). But in my heart I don’t think I could actually do that to my husband, and I worry about whether I could live with myself and where it all might end if he ever found out.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I can’t help but think about how hurt her husband would be if were ever to stumble upon this thread (hopefully this is very unlikely). If I found out my partner was joking about having to be talked out of starting an affair I’d be devastated . If you’re truly unhappy then you need to have a serious think about what to do but if you’re considering breaking up your family for some Shirley Valentine fantasy you could stand to lose a lot more than you’d gain

I was also thinking about howI would feel if I were in the husband’s shoes.
Is it better to learn a sad truth?
Or never truly know your spouse?

And it’s interesting isn’t it, because in my original post I was clear that I don’t want to end my marriage. It’s 90% bloody amazing and I don’t take that for granted for a second. In all likelihood I’d find a new relationship that fulfilled my physical needs, but he’d be a lazy, cheating, irritating bastard

In all honesty, I think I’d just quite like a brief non-committal affair where I could enjoy some passion and desire (mutual!). But in my heart I don’t think I could actually do that to my husband, and I worry about whether I could live with myself and where it all might end if he ever found out.

How does the idea of private counseling appeal to you? To talk to a professiona?
About your marriage and your self-estee?

 

[caitlinbullen]

Yes, talking is a start. However, I think it’s naive to suggest that ‘separation is a long way off’ though, for a lot of couples this conversation would be the catalyst for the beginning of the end. OP needs to be prepared for that possibility.

I think I’d maybe attend private counselling (alone) about it with someone like Relate. Explore your own feelings and what you actually want out of it in a structured way.

God yeah....the prospect of an open marriage is awful. Not me/us at all.

I can’t help but think about how hurt her husband would be if were ever to stumble upon this thread (hopefully this is very unlikely). If I found out my partner was joking about having to be talked out of starting an affair I’d be devastated . If you’re truly unhappy then you need to have a serious think about what to do but if you’re considering breaking up your family for some Shirley Valentine fantasy you could stand to lose a lot more than you’d gain

I guess that’s why I log out of this site when I’m finished, have a secure password, and ask the question as an anonymous user

 

[GossipMongoose]

And it’s interesting isn’t it, because in my original post I was clear that I don’t want to end my marriage. It’s 90% bloody amazing and I don’t take that for granted for a second. In all likelihood I’d find a new relationship that fulfilled my physical needs, but he’d be a lazy, cheating, irritating bastard

In all honesty, I think I’d just quite like a brief non-committal affair where I could enjoy some passion and desire (mutual!). But in my heart I don’t think I could actually do that to my husband, and I worry about whether I could live with myself and where it all might end if he ever found out.

The reality of that isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.

You get attached and end the marriage. The fallout is grim and you feel guilty for causing the collapse of a family (or maybe two, depending on your affair partner’s status).

He finds out and you risk losing everything. Either he decides to end the marriage or you work through it and move on but the guilt of having to look him in the eye for the rest of your life knowing what you did is crippling.

He doesn’t find out and you live with the fear of him finding out. The guilt still gets you and you feel guilt and fear.

Honestly, don’t go there. It seriously is not worth it.

 

[caitlinbullen]

I understand why influencers sometimes ’turn off comments’ now. I’ve had enough feedback for today thanks

 

[PennyLane321]

I was also thinking about howI would feel if I were in the husband’s shoes.
Is it better to learn a sad truth?
Or never truly know your spouse?

I’d hope my partner would talk to me if he wasn’t happy about an aspect of our relationship and we could decide together whether it was worth working on or if it was better to end it. If however he was debating whether or not to cheat on me, online or with his mates, I’d want to know so I could leave his ass.