Yes I think that’s the bit that’s easy to ignore isn’t it. I need to hear stuff like this. Despite what some might think, I do love my husband a great deal and the thought of hurting him is just awful. I think that for that reason, my own desire to experience some passion will remain a fantasy (that is probably better in my own imagination anyway!)
A relationship with someone you fancy
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You don’t have to have an affair to have a better sex life. Just talk to your husband. You’ve left him in the dark for so long. He probably thinks you’re super satisfied with him so I highly doubt that he really does his best to be sexy for you. You’ve made a lot of sacrifices for the marriage so I don’t think joining a gym and maybe changing his style a bit is too much to ask.
Also just spicing up your sex routine might do wonders. There are tons of books and podcasts out there about female pleasure and sexuality. See what’s out there and explore it with your husband for now.
Also just spicing up your sex routine might do wonders. There are tons of books and podcasts out there about female pleasure and sexuality. See what’s out there and explore it with your husband for now.
So true. If a man had posted the exact same statements from the initial posts (i.e. that he married someone he never fancied and now fancies his personal trainer)... I think he'd be roasted.If a man left his wife And family because he didn’t fancy his wife anymore I feel like a lot of people wouldn’t be saying ‘you deserve more. You deserve to shag someone you fancy, it’s the right thing to do’ perhaps
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OP, I hope you're feeling better after having talked it out on here and that you actually figure out what is best for you moving forward.
As much as we can all chime in, in the end, it's your actual life so you have to be comfortable with whichever decision you make. It's not easy either way and I feel for both you and your husband.
I'm typing what I'm thinking, I hope I don't come across as rude or harsh because I really do hear what you're saying, and tbh I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. I really wouldn't want anyone else in your shoes either, that's a painful situation made worse by the fact that you passively caused it.I met him through work, he asked me out to dinner. I had just been mucked around by an idiot for a few months, and thought ah duck it I could do with a night out so I agreed. We got on really well over dinner. He was attentive, funny, sweet, clever, and just a really nice guy. We had a fun night and laughed a lot, but I knew I didn’t fancy him at all. I didn’t really know when would be a good time to say “By the way had a great time, but don’t fancy you, sorry”....genuinely just kind of didn’t know when was a good time to broach that, so I didn’t.
He asked me out again and I made an excuse not to, but he kept asking and it felt really horrible to say via text “I’m just not into you”, then he sent some flowers to my work with a card saying that I was gorgeous and he couldn’t wait to see me again. Not gonna lie it was really flattering so I agreed to another date. Got really pissed on the date and slept with him, oops. Then it just kinda escalated from there- me kind of thinking of ways to get out of it and him just still being there.....all attentive/funny/kind/interesting/loyal....duck loads of other great qualities but the crushingly obvious lack of attraction on my part.
Basically he was persistent and I don’t think I really had the self-worth to genuinely believe that I deserved better? I kind of told myself “Listen, no one that you fancy ever reciprocates anyway and now you’re going to turn away this guy who clearly adores you?” so I didn’t. I’m not proud of it, and you’re right that really it’s him that deserves better. God I feel even worse now............hey ho, can’t turn back time.
Ha! Yep there is that!
Reading your quote above made me realise we're not talking about a simple fantasy or even lust. It seems to be much deeper and much more complex than that. I say this with respect and kindness: talking to a therapist or someone specialised in dealing with layered emotions might be far more beneficial and healthier than seeking an affair.
You spent 2 decades of your life unable to say no. Im sure there's a deeper backstory there. I'm not saying tell us what it is, I'm saying uncover it for yourself. You'll lift a weight off your shoulders.
You didn't just go on a second date with someone you already knew you didn't have feelings for, you built a life with him. At some point you introduced him to your family, moved in with him, went through all the motions of a happy relationship, got engaged, got married, had not one but three children... knowing all this time that you're not being honest with yourself or with him.
That's a lot of weight to carry and I sympathise that you have to live with that. I really think you should unlayer this with a professional. I don't think you had bad intentions, but I'm sure you carry some guilt that you let things get this far. An affair, or open relationship will just be another passive layer in your case. You have enough of those. Time you face the reason you're doing all of this.
P.S. I won't post anymore. I read somewhere in the thread that you were growing tired of the unending posts. Which is fully understandable.
This is a really thoughtful and empathetic post!
The overall feed a might have been a bit much for the OP, but maybe she can sloely read the posts again over the next few days.
Everybody was well-meaning and respectful and tried to help.
IMO this is more about OP’s self-esteem than an actual issue within her marriage.
It comes across as a need for the validation that you can get someone you fancy. To confirm to yourself you are desirable. Which is completely fair.
I’m not going to say what you should or shouldn’t want out of a marriage. So many people would be very happy with a marriage like yours, other people require a lot of passion to be happy. Everyone is different. (I do think you need to lay off the romance novels
).
I would say people would consider me and my husband a good looking couple and we definitely physically fancy each other, but we met in our early 20’s and definitely are both getting less attractive as we age. But I think we all see couples who are less physically attractive (in my opinion) day to day and I have often wondered if they find each other physically attractive, even though I maybe wouldn’t find them attractive.
It comes across as a need for the validation that you can get someone you fancy. To confirm to yourself you are desirable. Which is completely fair.
I’m not going to say what you should or shouldn’t want out of a marriage. So many people would be very happy with a marriage like yours, other people require a lot of passion to be happy. Everyone is different. (I do think you need to lay off the romance novels
).I would say people would consider me and my husband a good looking couple and we definitely physically fancy each other, but we met in our early 20’s and definitely are both getting less attractive as we age. But I think we all see couples who are less physically attractive (in my opinion) day to day and I have often wondered if they find each other physically attractive, even though I maybe wouldn’t find them attractive.
I'm pained to admit it but the self-esteem/validation aspect is SO true. Ouch. I don't even really crave actual sex with someone else, just the feeling of mutual desire? Do I just want someone to boost my self-esteem and if so, I need to work on me instead.IMO this is more about OP’s self-esteem than an actual issue within her marriage.
It comes across as a need for the validation that you can get someone you fancy. To confirm to yourself you are desirable. Which is completely fair.
(I do think you need to lay off the romance novels
And another YES to avoiding stuff that just reinforces ideals of romance that I don't think exist. Hilarious!! (but accurate)
I can relate to a lot of what you say, I met my husband at an horrendous point in my life. At that time I had come very close to losing my life and was at rock bottom. I felt like I just had to take every day as a day to get the most out of it. I was self medicating with alcohol and drugs to get through the days and was very lonely but from the outside what looked to be a very fun carefree life. I met this young (21) year old guy who had very limited experience with women (next to none) who seemed to fall in love with me from day1. Meanwhile I just enjoyed his company, loved that he was down to get drunk (he is very anti drug and to this day doesn't know I was taking them) and honestly I just wanted the no strings sexual side of it and to feel fancied was a confidence boost. I didn't find him attractive at all though but his size was a turn on to me. My kids adored him from the day they met him and he instantly went out his way to be a friend to them (like a cool uncle type relationship from the off) We actually got married and as time has gone on I genuinely fancy the balls off the man. Hes so attractive to me I get butterflies and those prickly hairs on my neck when I'm looking at him and he catches me lookingContext
Enjoyed a fairly average 17-24 age group experience-too many one night stands and 1-2 serious relationships lasting 12 mths or more. I noticed a depressing pattern that I never seemed to be fancied by the person I liked, so I became used to settling for the person that showed interest in me. I have always been insecure and not confident in myself. My now husband came along when I was 24, I was horribly insecure, and fresh out of a relationship with an awful twit. My husband fell in love with me and perused me quite fervently. He proposed and I accepted (sounds like a bad Jane Austin novel, sorry!). I didn’t fancy him, but he was persistent, kind, sweet, and a constant in my life when I was being fucked about by duck boys ().
Current Situation
We have 3 children, a comfortable life for 18 yrs. He works, I don’t, but I have a career I could return to if needed. He is an amazing father, an attentive husband, funny, kind, loyal, helpful around the house, a great work ethic. He is basically the perfect man, and a generally great human being, except that I have never fancied him. We have sex on average once a week- it’s varied and enjoyable (I always organism, but tbh I‘d rather not bother at all bcos I don’t fancy my husband
Question
I have a marriage that ticks 9/10 boxes (lovely husband, good work ethic, kind, good father, funny, contributes financially, generally a really bleeping good person), but the 1/10 is killing me now that I’m 40. I am grateful for my life......really grateful, but I have never felt the touch of someone who I fancy. I crave the feeling of kissing a man that makes my tummy tingle and just generally the physical touch of being with someone that I fancy. I don’t think I want to go on tinder or anything.....I mean dear lord....I don’t just want sex with a random??? I don’t want to leave my marriage, but I fantasise about a physical relationship with someone that I fancy more and more. As I become older, conversely I become increasingly indignant that I have lived a life devoid of sexual passion.... I am not willing to leave my forties without experiencing that (a close friend died at 40 and it really shook me).
Interested in an objective opinion. Do your worst
(how cheesy does that sound lol). Hes my best friend in every way my soul mate and I just love every single thing about him, I think that is probably part of the attraction to be honest. I dont see him as a provider or dad, I see him as the person I'm experiencing the rest of my life with. He came into my life and saved me. There really isn't any future without him with me. Although the start of your relationship sounds very similar to mine I do think had I gotten to this point and I still didn't fancy him or lust after him I would have to leave and let him find someone that did feel that way about him. Not that I'm suggesting that's what you should do. Sorry that was longer reply than I intended it to be. Apologies if I waffled a little.
The prospect of an open marriage is awful and not you at all but seeking a non committal affair just to have sex with someone you fancy for once and lying to your husband for 15 years isn’t just as awful? :/
Apologies if that sounds harsh and I appreciate a lot of comments have been very kind so I’m sorry if this doesn’t but I agree with you when you say you’ve made your bed and now you need to lie in it.
Your husband doesn’t deserve this at all and reading about you faking it and essentially lying to him for the whole 15 years is so terribly sad to read and I would feel sick if I thought my partner had felt that way for so long. To me that’s a betrayal worse than a quick affair.
In the way that people are saying you deserve to be with someone you fancy, he also deserves better in some ways. He deserves someone who genuinely fancies him, who wants to be with him and who smacks his arse whilst he’s doing the washing up and initiates sex etc. I wonder if he ever questions why he never gets those moments too? He might not voice them cos he sounds very considerate but surely he asks himself ‘why doesn’t she ever do that?’
You made a choice all those years ago, well, many choices all those years ago actually when you had plenty of time to stop and take responsibility and figure out that you weren’t in the best place to be making those calls. You had self esteem and confidence issues but you were an adult in your late 20s, not a naive 16 year old. You knew on the first date you didn’t fancy him.
I think you just need to take some time to work on yourself for both yourself and your partners sake. A fling might make you feel better for all of 10 minutes but it’s not a long term solution for your problem in my opinion.
I disagree that's she's made her bed and has to lie in it. Its no longer the 1950s and earlier for women, we have choices and if you want out of a relationship then you can leave. Its not much good raking over the past for anyone, thinking I should of done this or that. No one leads the perfect life and all you have is the here and now. Just because someone made the wrong choices years ago means nothing, we can all change our situations. But its a gamble like everything when you are faced with a crossroads.
I definitely think counselling is a good idea and to work on your own self esteem as well. I can think of 2 friends who were in similar situations to you OP. They both had numerous affairs and eventually left their husbands. One was an Irish Catholic who was forced into marriage by her family when she was pregnant and she never loved or fancied her husband at all. My other friend was with a very good looking man but he never reached her emotionally and intellectually so she was looking more for mental stimulation as well. Both had 2 children.
Its up to you OP and I wish you all the best.
I definitely think counselling is a good idea and to work on your own self esteem as well. I can think of 2 friends who were in similar situations to you OP. They both had numerous affairs and eventually left their husbands. One was an Irish Catholic who was forced into marriage by her family when she was pregnant and she never loved or fancied her husband at all. My other friend was with a very good looking man but he never reached her emotionally and intellectually so she was looking more for mental stimulation as well. Both had 2 children.
Its up to you OP and I wish you all the best.
You might have missed the OP saying she wasn’t planning to leave her husband and nor does she want to. So besides having an affair or making your bed and lying in it, what’s the other option?
Nothing is set in stone in life. She could meet someone and move them in and all live in a poly relationship who knows?
Of course women shouldn’t have to stay in a marriage if they’re deeply unhappy but op made several conscious decisions that led her to this point and by extension forced her husband to live her lie albeit unknowingly. Your personal happiness is important but that doesn’t mean it’s right to turn your loved ones lives upside down on and think oh well no point raking over the past
. That’s textbook narcissismSo is it right that they both continue living a lie? thats worse in my opinion. He'd get over it, people split up everyday of the week and move on. Just because she made some bad decisions early on means nothing. She owes him absolutely nothing IMO. I think you have to put yourself first sorry if that offends anyone. You only have 1 life.Of course women shouldn’t have to stay in a marriage if they’re deeply unhappy but op made several conscious decisions that led her to this point and by extension forced her husband to live her lie albeit unknowingly. Your personal happiness is important but that doesn’t mean it’s right to turn your loved ones lives upside down on and think oh well no point raking over the past
It seems like you haven't read anything in your responses? The OP has said multiple times she doesn't want to leave but she has mentioned the idea of having an affair as an option. Destroying a man who she says herself is good and kind is absolutely not the answer here. I agree you only have one life and you have to live it. In that case, leave and pursue the spark if that's what she values. She can't have her cake and eat it. Cheating on a good person is never okay. He will never trust anyone again. And she will ruin her relationship with her children if they found out that's what she did to their father. She owes him nothing? Come off it. The idea that we owe people we're in close relationships with nothing is a total farce. She owes him respect and common decency which means not having an affair. If you want to put yourself first, leave and do it kindly. The poor guy is also entitled to be with someone who actually fancies him back, the OP is really only thinking about herself here.
OP - What would you do differently if you could turn back time? Would you still marry this man or would you have the confidence to walk away?
Two reasons for asking, it might help you figure out how you truly feel and secondly I feel like this is my life at 25 years old and I have a huge fear of staying in this relationship because I don’t think I can get any better.
Edited to add - watching pretty woman probably isn’t helping!
Two reasons for asking, it might help you figure out how you truly feel and secondly I feel like this is my life at 25 years old and I have a huge fear of staying in this relationship because I don’t think I can get any better.
Edited to add - watching pretty woman probably isn’t helping!
She owes her husband nothing
. Wow. I feel extremely sorry for your family and friends"You only have one life you have to put yourself first". Indeed. As does he. So why not tell him where he stands and allow him the same choice, to do what he thinks is best for himself and his future too.
Fine, what will happen is that OP will more than likely meet someone who forces her hand at some point. Then when she falls in love with someone fully then things will be forced to a head.Hope it all works out for you OP.She owes her husband nothing
Also I think on some level your husband will know how you really feel about him.- Status