sophie cachia : Most liked Posts

Chompettes, as I was driving home from work just before I had a moment of disbelief…from spotting our seggsual CEO in the wild. In a mad rush (Daily Fail style) I quickly papped this gem. Sorry for the shit quality.



Designer vagina on show, flaps perched on some dirty stairs in the middle of Kings Cross. Rumour has it the “For Lease” sign refers to her tampon slinging services. Living her best life

Just had dinner with a friend who works for basketball Australia who gave me the scoop.

Sophie was extremely controlling and very unhappy when Maddi moved overseas. Calling and texting 24/7 which her coach and teammates did not appreciate. Sophie told Maddie she was coming over and Maddie said please don’t, we are in the middle of training etc. Sophie said she is coming anyway.

Sophie turned up anyway and immediately got wind that something was up. They all went out to a team dinner and Maddie was extremely uncomfortable because she was also sleeping with someone on the team. Sophie picked up the vibe and later that night went through Maddis phone and found proof. Maddi apparently “wanted to be caught” and said that Sophie was extremely emotionally abusive. Cheating was her way out of the relationship.

Here at Sure Media, we’re knocking off for the year, so this social media girl would like to apologise for all the things she got blamed for mistakes that were made. Too bad if you haven’t put your orders in yet. We haven’t had a holiday all day and you’ve got no idea how hard this mamma has worked. We hope you all have a grate calebration with your family unless you need to get on a plane to avoid it. Whatever gifts you receive we hope it makes your fanny flutter.

As another year comes to a close we thought it would be a beautiful idea to recap on such a lucrative year that made us all so, so jealous. Thanks to the anonymous sources who contributed, spooned us in bed during our fortnightly strategy meetings and tipped off the Airport West paparazzi. #2022isouryear

Survivor (along with Soph’s dirty laundry) began to air. Highlights: the bit where she ‘bulked up’ for the role or where everyone saw straight through her and she got kicked out not once, but twice!! On brand, she fulfilled her cuntractual obligations and didn’t turn up to any PR stuff because she was so convinced this was real life and not a game. Embarrassed, she died her hair blonde in the hope people would mistake her for her sister. And we didn’t think the year could get much worse than that bleach job. Hey, what happened to the sister?? And did anyone work out why she had to go blonde??

The inclusive, gender neutral make up for girls and light nude skinned people who can afford overpriced things launched and was such a raging success that it was on sale for most of the year. 90% of the stock she paid for herself with her own money still remains undergoing quality cuntrol up her snout in a heavily guarded compound in Eastern Europe. Badvertising at her best, she refused to be held accountable for the health & safety. Man, I need a durrie after all the drama. Failing to meet customer service and delivery times had something to do with sleeping in and needing to go on a holiday. The business partner ended up going M.I.A. after the fauxpology. Hey, what happened to Mia? And the threats to ‘escalate’ things with Outspoken?? Oh, what about the charities who benefited?!?!

Of no fixed address and still living with her hair disaster mother, eventually Tickets moved into her crypt home and we marvelled at the unique design aspects. Toilet accessible through the shower gymnasium that doubles as a guest bedroom electrical wires dangling by the pool cuntcraft on the walls cooktop that’s too small. We know she probably doesn’t use it that much, but every time she’d tell Blondie with the bun “we’re gonna eat out tonight”, it’s hard to tell if that’s because they can’t fit a saucepan on the burner or because she’s run out of dental floss. IYKYK. Hey, what happened to the decal in the boy’s bedroom? And the fiancé?? She didn’t make the book, so why bother naming her in the recap?

The book dropped like a brick. Between the taco trim, self harming revelations, toxic drug comment and revolving door of other women, we’re thankful the fiancé was never actually named so she could make a swift escape to a country without an extradition treaty. Sadly, the dogs weren’t so lucky. It makes it so much easier to regift the ring. The brutal editing, big love photo shoot with the ex, awkward pyjama movie night and world tour to Bendigo complete with discounted ticket’s showed u’s why SHaw MeDia i’s the premier quality brand of proofreading, thi’s side of Keilor Park’s high tension wire’s. Apostrophe. Gotta love that draped flat sheet on the wall. Patent pending, but it’s gonna be more revolutionary than that elastic waste band. Hey, what happened to the international book tour?? And the other half of the blended family?

A couple of ad standard violations, pregnancy baiting and failed engagement saw her give off divorced-dad energy by October. From the boys end of the table she continued to vagbait, get upset when someone speculated she’d moved on, hang out with much younger people and suck at photoshopping. Hey, what happened to all her old friends? Thankfully the Digital Marketing Expert was able to salvage her ankles and got her curves back in time for a table at the very back of the room at the Met Gala AFLW awards night. Hey, what happened to all these keen 21 year old pocket rockets? Might ask Erin Molan…

Sophia’s Clingman moved in to help with the calorie deficit, Hinge and shopping at Officeworks. They blamestormed some good jabs at the ex for content. Kindly, PA would also take the kids to Runway Heights Primary while the Narcisexual CEO would go to her fat freezing appointments and root the odd flower. OMG she’s soooooo seckshul. She’d go down on everything but the Titanic. Thankfully the memo is out and the AFLW are safe clued up.

Unable to repeatedly make any of the important social events within the extended family or friendship groups, our frail female businesswoman made sure that at any opportunity she was on a plane to be interstate or overseas. Given her fear of flying and being separated from her babies, the alternative of hanging around must have been an horrific prospect. The Shaw Media / CACHIA end of Christmas party was bigger than Boda and seems to wind up in more places than the book tour. Pretty impressive for a one woman show.

In conclusion, the ghost of Christmas future is yet to pay Soph a visit. In death, Jacob Marley paid for his actions on Earth. If she does not change, Scrooge Soph will suffer the same fate. When the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come takes her to a forlorn, unkempt grave site, she’ll see her own name written there on the gravestone. She’ll beg the spirit to give her another chance. Part of what Soph learns is that her deeds have directed her future. We hope she buys some poor unfortunate family a turkey Louis Vuitton handbag to make it all better.

Please don’t contact us again before we arrive at the office some time mid 2023. For engagement purposes only (not because we care), please share below what the tipping point was that made you so jealous in 2022 for your chance to go in the running for a photoshoot at Media HQ that may never happen. Apostrophe.

Three title suggestion
From tampon flinging to finally free: The emancipation of Maddy G

There she is! @screenfreelookatme We love all 5’11’’ of you Thanks for the new thread. Great title @First & Best @ Everything ! First round is on me… but you’ll pay for it later.

On today’s recrap:

We found Soph Unhinged on Hinge. Like so many of her bizness posts, she seemed to have a number of bacic spalling errers... And here I am thinking it was only guys adding a few extra inches to their bio. The open door policy has started again. A veritable sushi train of adults will pass by the kids and again leave them confused.

*insert random passive aggressive quote aimed at the ex*

*place heavily edited thirst trap picture here*

Like Aisuru, she’s failed to attract much interest, so decided to market herself as a 3-for-1 deal in her bio pic. Why didn’t we think about adding our kids and paid help to our profile? Probably the same reason why we don’t leave fallen lighting cables by the pool. Maybe we can ask the cabin supervisor from QF483 to help her with a safety briefing. BTW, Essendon is as close to Tullamarine as “mum at 22” is to the truth .

A few of us mocked the young, child-free PA for needing some “me time”, yet none of us has had the experience of raising a 32 year old toddler. On the upside, this one is bottle fed . Like most of us mums, PA sees the benefits of co sleeping rather than have to fight the good fight at bedtime. Explains why she hasn’t had time to get on top of the gardening. Working mums can’t do it all!

*can we fit another dig at the ex here? This time, use the dog*

We love the PA though. Hopefully someone buys this chick a copy of Photoshop For Dummies for Chrismtmas niight. Like a true ride or die friend, she screamed in terror and begged Soph to open her eyes and get her hands back on the wheel if she agreed to be ‘The Source’ for a trashy newspaper article and remind Soph of her worth. Coincidentally she got $4.37 change from a $5 note.

*We won’t be commenting any further BUUUUT”

Proving how lucrative a break-up is, Cachia cashed in with a glorified adversnark in the Herald Sun, showcasing how she upcycled the table cloths from her engagerhert party into pyjamas. It’s amazing how closely the Italian flag passes off as Christmas colours, or bitter regret.

Anyway, don’t forget to enter the Cachia Christmas Insta giveaway. Tag your housekeeper. These new jammies come with the patented elastics waste. Perfect for stretching the truth. Now, don’t mind us. We’ve gotta go hit the town looking like last drinks at the Gladstone Park Hotel.

Ok updates Chompettes, straight from my eye witness - our Frisbee Lipped CEO boarded the same flight to Bali as my dutiful bestie, who I’ve just caught up with over Facetime.

Her goss confirms that Smoph, Mumma Gayle, Betty and Bobdog were slumming it up in economy (no business class for her burdens it seems). On the plane, Smoph was overheard telling Betts she “would go to kids club and make friends there, no arguments”. Betty responded by chucking a whopping tantrum and telling Chomps she would not be going to any kids club, she would not make a single friend or have any kind of fun, and gave her bestie Mumma an eye watering death stare. Smoph ditched the oversized shirt and opted for her Isuzu blue crop top set the whole flight, despite the air temp being -5 degrees. Her lopsided nips almost poked out an innocent flight attendants eyeball.

Lastly, my bestie’s fiancé added his two cents by mentioning “Her crusty face looks nothing like her instagram pics”. Now darls, I could have told you that for free.

Good work setting up the new thread. Thanks for everything you do. I love this new thread title.

With all the ‘anonymous source’ quoting by quality media outlets over the last couple of days, I have to say I’m really blue no one is quoting me as a source. Geez I better stay in bed til 2.

On todays recrap:

Soph took her revenge body to a goon-bag backyard party. Nothing more glam than a diet of ciggies and depression. Very 90’s. We wonder how many selfies she took before she was happy with her Lara Croft, Tomb Renovator costume. We saw the recycling of some ensemble cast members in the Shaw Circus, but not enough to make us jealous. Stifler’s mum vibes.

Her Insta story sulking has been so subtle, we’ve barely noticed it. We’ve been trying to decipher the meaning of the eggplant on her socks. Maybe she learnt how to make parmigiana di melanazane while in Italy Her cooking, like her attitude… Salty, like the Dead Sea.

The no1 author has no1 to support her. Except the EA/PA/sister-daughter/housemate. At least someone is helping with the morgue-age repayments. Yo, PA! Talk to the union about your pay if you’re fielding 4am calls. With the penalty rates you could afford to buy your own Balenciaga bag. Please also let us know how you’re going, sharing a bathroom and accessing the toilet through the shower.

Sadly, Tickets was unable to attend the Melbourne Cup celebrations this year. We believe she no longer likes to be ridden like that and was eventually scratched from the third race. The vet also believed it was unsafe to run without detectable ankles. #fotoshopphail.

With so much speculation about what actually happened in the demise of such a great love story, we’re all fondly reminded of the dance circle at the engagement party when everyone cut Soph out. Clearly Maddie is surrounded by a lot of love and protection. Hopefully one day she’ll meet someone who won’t complain about the space she’s taking up in the fridge, or the walk in robe.

Excitingly though, Soph is starting to recover and move on too. She’s shilling dog food and fat shaming her hostage puppy. Perfect shredding diet. Her mum told her to hang in there and keep a stiff upper lip, so she got another ml. 🥸

With 8 weeks left in the year, can we skip to the jealous part?

@humanfemale In the absence of paparazzi shots this week you’ve gone on to show the contrast of real life vs all the filters money can buy. Top job on the wildlife shot.

Next thread suggestion:
“Sadsack for lease whilst sat in the gutter, waiting for someone to make her fanny flutter.”

I hope she’s doing alright being separated from her babies. It’s always hard the first time you leave them.

Thread recap:

Due to the delays of the reveal of the mausoleum we’ve struggled to write our latest summary. As our idol was of no fixed address all this time we… Hopefully we’ve covered all bases.

The Pillow Princess of Pascoe Vale put us through a pyjama party for no real purpose. There was snacks and a movie, but no real correlation between the book release and pyjamas. What was the movie? The Neverending Story? 50 Shade of Grey? Step Mom? We think she’s trying to tell us something, but the best we can come up with is Jaryd is Susan Sarandon. Maybe Thelma and Louise would have been a better choice given all the references to law and disorder.

The Super Sexual Strathmore Sista knows her demographic well. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. So much so that none of the attendees realised she’s exactly the reason why their high school experience sucked. She’s not your friend and is only talking to you because of a perceived social and economic gain. But she’s always open to lunch with new friends. #algorithm

The Essendon Ego showed us why dinner parties with school friends suck when you have nothing in common to talk about. She reminded us of how important it is to #beyou authentically, unless you’re someone she has no interest in. At dinner parties it’s never ok to talk diamonds over dessert, only labias over lunch. June Dally-Watkins taught us that in deportment school. For someone emotionally gay, she spends all her time up the boys end of the table.

Tickets from Tullamarine taught us that feminism is great, unless it’s for other females. MummaG, who raised 4 girls & is hands on with 12 grandkids, supported her husband’s career and works, just doesn’t love old mate enough. The same old mate that preaches self care & enjoys time away to fulfill her pursuits whilst co parenting with the assistance of the EA and in-laws. She thinks irony is something you do to you husband’s wrinkly shirt. Probably why she doesn’t get it. We light a candle for MummaG and say a little prayer for the ultimate working mum. We don’t blame you.

The Aberfeldie Author launched her book tour. Throngs of people crowded the shopping centres… to go about their usual business. Walking idly by, unaware they were in the presence of greatness these poor unmotivated people missed getting their next door stopper signed. Sadly, a couple of babies were tormented in the process but we’re relieved to say Soph’s diversionary tactics saved them from an incidental photoshoot with the next potential leader of our country.

The Norwood Know-It-All knows when her (automated) mortgage payment is due, but not when to order a cake for her kid’s birthdays or when it’s a pupil free day. Must have also missed the memo about the parent info night on Bodysafe at school. Consent, learning correct anatomy, safety and enjoyment are the keys to happiness, not setting a goal to gobble the whole footy team. More is not always more.

The Bendigo Bewilderment & Bookphobia hosted a q&a with some other woman who probably needed her own therapy forum. The current flame got to come along, despite ranking no more than an ‘ensemble’ role in the book. She cried. We all felt uncomfortable so sent the tapes to the FBI to decipher any sign of code communication. Initial reports from Quantico have us believe she’s blinking in Morse code. A multi agency extraction is being considered. We’ll ask the SWOT team to kindly not park across the footpath when they barge in.

Rescue attempt at the other gossip forum proved fruitful and we were able to free more stragglers. We came back for you because we loved so hard. #notspon Your Balenciaga is on its way.

For those of you trying to direct me over from gomi, I found you!

And here it is!!

I have a friend of a friend that is involved in basketball Vic. They told me that MGs basketball friends ‘staged an intervention’ last week and she is not living with SC right now. I’ll let you know if I hear anything else!

In the last episode of “Have you been paying attention”…

Yeezy Eilish fails to secure a makeup-artist at 4:30am, so rocks up to the airport looking like the world’s tallest zebra who ate a theatre nurse in scrubs. Her mission: signing-day at Bookphobia for all the grown-women who’ve never read a whole-book before.

In failing to see how bizness relations with anyone named Mia aren’t lucrative, she vicariously enters another podcast sesh and kindly offers us up substance for the next few pages of our banter. Between the taco trim, self harming revelations, toxic drug comments and revolving door of other women, we’re left wondering if the current flame will ever enter the narrative, let alone stay.

The instore dates were announced before Bobby had a chance to proofread the comms. To be fair, no one can spell ‘Prahan’ the first time anyway. We all thought it was best to start Bendigo at 11:30pm because it’s too hard to be ready before midday.

Whoever is updating the spreadsheet of holidays that never happened, can you please add San Francisco? Oh, and write a strongly worded post outlining your disgust at the news outlet who quoted Sophia directly. Thanks.

More crimes against fashion were committed with an offence assault of denim in the Big Love photo shoot for the blended family. Those of us who’d been calling Jaryd “NB” all this time felt terrible for doing so when we realised it was true… and he was nothing but a couch from the waste down.

Isuzu has moved to recycled packaging, made from the first 12 drafts of the memoir. Ironically, they stuck with the big box they were born with. #beyou

Overall, we laughed, we cried and we rejoiced together in the triumph over adversity… for the intern who did their best to proof the memoir of punctuation infractions, cromulent creation & privacy violations. It’s hard to sum up in a few sentences how we really feel, without having much time to thumb through a thesaurus and pick the wrong word to emphasise our egregiousness.

Its been a great bonding experience for us, but in summary Tattle would like to apologise to Matt Shervington for any offence caused, and acknowledge not only his career in sports journalism, but also his contribution to our… what’s the word… sporting culture.

I refuse to accept that these are three separate women.

I just caught up on about 15 pages and reading about every states transition days was quite possibly the most boring experience of my life.
Thank god for the airport sighting and confirmed Bali holiday. The last photo of Bobby on her latest post is classic. He looks so unimpressed.

Omg I couldn’t watch all these stories of hers!
So triggering for me w my first Christmas as a SOLO parent… after we lost my husband / my 3 kid’s Dad to cancer this year…
I get no time alone or off to buy Christmas presents alone without the kids… she has so many kid free days and nights and so much help! She is a joke

Normally I scroll past posts I don’t agree with, but I think some people need to check themselves snarking on the children. Maybe show a little more empathy for their situation. They’ve grown up with a narcissistic mother who had them for click bait, who is more interested in being their fun cool friend and shagging than showing any kind of parental guidance. They’ve experienced significant traumas with the divorce and separation from their primary care giver and now a constant revolving door of new mummies.
I’m not sure how y’all expect kids who have been pushed to perform for a camera from birth to behave? And maybe keep in perspective that most kids can be obnoxious, self awareness isn’t something that you’re born with, just most parents do have self awareness and try to educate/choose not to post their kids unflattering behaviour.

These kids are in for years of therapy and if they ever come across this thread I would hate for them to read that people were shitting on them for their LEARNT behaviour as young children.

Sincerely a child of a narcissistic mother xox

Okay so I know her. Y’all are very much on the right track. He wanted a baby, got her pregnant, changed he’s mind. Literally ghosted her. She was absolutely devastated and on her own and he was very aware of her situation and refused to communicate with her at all. Blocked her number and socials. Left her with their house to pack, clean and repair. But the biggest job for her is fixing the damage done to her young son He has been through so much already. It’s so sad. Everyone aware of the situation is in absolute shock of his behaviour considering the image he is portrayed as. The only good thing those kids had was her.

My Tattler Queens, happy to be of service. The praise you’ve bestowed upon me tonight surpasses the number of Smoph’s one star book reviews…I’m honoured.

I can’t say how the stars aligned. I got stuck in traffic, glanced to my left and almost passed away when I caught sight of her. We made very brief eye contact (unconfirmed as she could have been eye fucking herself in my windows). High on adrenaline, I knew I only had one chance to capture this moment - so of course I snatched up my work phone, got my solo shot, and played “We are the Champions” on full volume the rest of the way home. However, now the high has worn off, I’ve booked in an emergency session with my therapist for the Flap-Flashback PTSD.

ps that Emmylou pic has me in pieces

Statement from Sure Media:

“Apologies. We just got out of bed.

It’s with great rambling that we advise you, our lucrative leader has now taken the first steps to become a hasbian. Someone went down… and the tampon hit the fan.

Based on a probability of fluid sexuality and monogamy anti-ideology, we’re genuinely shocked that ‘blondie with the bun’ will now have to be recast because of something she probably did. How dare anyone play our own games against us!

While we are yet to determine what she did that was sooooo heinous, chances are she either forgot to send the kids a jersey from overseas or she got a post coital text from another woman, leapt out of bed and hailed a taxi to be with her true love. Speculate what you will. Sportsbet have shortened the odds in favour of the conjecture through Tattle.

Don’t worry about the dogs. We forgot who we left them with so unless they find their way home I guess they’re ok.

We won’t be changing Flossy’s name. That’s just silly. She was named after Florence Pugh (as a thank you for those fanny flutters) in the first place and we’re sticking to that story.

Break ups tend to score a higher algorithm than hostage-love so we’re looking forward to the sympathy. New PJs out this week. Just for something different, we’ve changed the pattern to cheetah.

We haven’t decided if we’re going to sell our dream home that we built especially for *insert name here*. Sadly we can’t move back to the former marital home either as it hit the market this week. Even our fallback is gone.

Anyway, garage sale at HQ next week. Lots of pre loved items at discounted prices.

Please respect our privacy… until the next podcast.”