Let's hear it for @Where's My Postcard? for the very out of the box (but in the well) idea for a title thread.
If I can offer you a bit of advice, gentle reader. If you ever find yourself unable to sleep, never start recapping the activities of two people who look like they were engineered in the back of Butterbean's swap meet booth out of beef tallow and used lottery scratchers. Look. It can be fun to insult two human Crisco cans. They certainly deserve it. People laugh. It can be fun. Here's the problem: you will reach the point where they don't do anything. They are not giving me much to work with here. It would be like if I had to write ten paragraphs on a puddle of sedentary water. Of course you know what water and Dawn have in common?
You can find them both at the bottom of a well.
Ha! I set you up. Fished in!
Well...well...well...
Okay. They gave me one thing to work with. I blame Dawn's grandpa. I can picture his wrinkled hand reaching up and rubbing his furrowed brow after his granddaughter did yet another stupid fuckin thing as he wonders why. "Why did I pull her out of that well?" You know he did. How could he not? "Dawn Marie if don't speed waddle over here right now, I'm gonna throw you back in the well!"
Thankfully, they boarded up the well. Probably because her family knew odds were very good she'd just end up down there again. Vegas wouldn't take my money. They told me, "Of course she's gonna end up down there again! Have you seen her?!"
All we know is that she spent nine months in the hospital. But when you picture the accident, you picture her hitting her head, right? Then you try to pinpoint the part of the skull where blunt force trauma would cause the most neurological damage. That's the spot you imagine Dawn landed on. The only question is, "Did she hit it 10 more times?" I picture Dawn falling down the well head first sort like a shuttlecock. The stupidest shuttlecock ever.
I don't know what is wrong with that well. I do know that nobody wished for Dawn. Nobody thew in a coin and said, "I want a very slow girl who doesn't pay attention, eats loads of fat every day, kinda bitchy and loves poop and fart jokes. Lots and lots of poop and fart jokes." It's more like a Wish.com well. Just know, Grampa Carrier, wherever you are, you thought you were doing the right thing, but you made the world a whole lot dumber. Next time, stick to sharpening chainsaws in your Ted Kaczynski shack.
So he sharpened chainsaws for a living? I expect to find a sticker on the door of the chainsaw business "As Seen on Dateline! Stone Phillips gave us four stars!" Another sign: This business has been murder free for ____ days." Yeah, I'm not going in there.
Outside of the well, we saw the area where Dawn grew up. I know you watched the video because I heard you say, "Yeah. That makes sense now."
I wasn't sure if I was watching where Dawn grew up or a filmstrip on The Depression. We got to see some lovely, dilapidated houses and trailers that, looking at Dawn, I'm guessing were painted with lead paint.
When Dawn was a little girl she and her siblings would earn a little money by cleaning up the local drive-in movie theater. Dawn's grandfather was apparently was a partner in the drive-in. I know if I was looking for some business capital, I'd definitely see where Dawn's grandpa lived and think "movie mogul". Look at that compound with the creepy house and lopsided trailer! Oooh, is that a well that's been idiot proofed?!? Oh, yeah! We got a regular Scrooge McDuck here!
Dawn's job was to pick up trash in the field after the movies. Because little girls should be tromping through a field around 11 o'clock at night. Let's do the math here. Dawn was born in 1973. Add in the fact that her family is a bunch of hicks, I'm going to estimate that Dawn picked up trash in the late 70s to very early 80s. I remember a lot of drive-ins started to close in the early 80s. So let's cut the difference and say Dawn picked up drive-in trash somewhere between 1979 to 1983. Can you imagine the stuff you might find in the late 70s? "Dawn, go clean up where that groovy van was. And don't forget to wear rubber gloves." "Those are not balloons, Dawn. Don't try to blow them up! You put them in the trash right now! If you do that again, it's back in the well!"
Then Dawn took us to the local outdoor pool where Dawn was a lifeguard. You know how Will is, so insecure that he has to exaggerate everything. I don't believe that Dawn was a lifeguard. One: They don't make ten piece bikinis. Two: lifeguards don't paint fences. I never turned on Baywatch to see Pam Anderson painting in slow motion. I took lifeguard classes. I must have been stuck in a well when they taught fence painting. Also, who paints a chain link fence? It was already silver!!! It was obvious, but not to Dawn 35 years later, that the people at the pool gave Dawn an easy job to keep her occupied and out of their hair. She was a lifeguard in the same way that Will uses Right Guard.
Can you imagine if you were drowning in that pool and it was Dawn who was there to rescue you? I'm not sure she could find the right hole for mouth to mouth even though the instructions are in the name.
Dawn says she could rescue Will. Dawn, look at the size of your husband. Now look at the length of your arms. You can't reach all the way around him. To be fair, neither can chimpanzees.
Dawn said she said she sat in the lifeguard chair. She probably did until someone came out and screamed, "Get out of the chair, Dawn! You're not a lifeguard! Get back to painting the fence!" Will wondered if the boys were all hot and bothered for lifeguard Dawn like Wendy Peffercorn, the lifeguard from the 90s movie "The Sandlot", probably the last movie Will saw in a theater and the newest reference he's ever made. Except, being Will, he called her Sandy Culpepper. Sandy Duncan, Sandy Koufax, Wendy O. Williams, use any name you want. I'll bet you a million dollars in racoon penis that there is no way any boy wanted to date the creepy well girl who picked up trash at the drive-in. Have you ever seen a drive-in and thought, "What a nice part of town,"? No. It's always sketchy as hell and right near the stretch of railroad tracks where missing bodies are found.
In "The Sandlot", Wendy Peffercorn didn't live with her family and Spritz the goat on a militia compound.
Like Dawn cares. She probably heard the name and wondered if there's a Minions Peffercorn bucket. As long as Will can help her open it.
Dawn was such a terrible lifeguard she almost drowned her downstairs neighbor. Dawn said she left the water running in her upstairs apartment. Someone knocked on the door and told her she was flooding the apartment below hers. I have so many questions! The first one is, Will, why do you bleeping suck so bad at interviewing? I realize that you probably live with stupid tit on the daily, so this doesn't even phase you, but there are some of us who have a spouse of the non-drooling variety. What was so interesting or important that Dawn forgot about the water? Did a Jabberjaw cartoon come on TV? Was there a shiny object? Did she have PTWS? Post Traumatic Well Syndrome. Was she too busy trying to figure out how many brothers and sisters she has? I need these answers, Will! And like a standard IQ test, you failed me.
The kicker is that Dawn's landlord made her move downstairs. Key words: made her. Do you know what that means? It means this was the last straw. It was only the latest of stupid tit the landlord had to fix because he owns an apartment and not a inflatable bounce house where she's less likely to hurt herself. He was probably afraid that Dawn would fall out the upstairs window. Then he'd have to deal with Well 2: Dawn on the Lawn. I'm going to take a wild guess: she didn't get her safety deposit back. He should have made her buy flooding or tsunami insurance.
Somewhere there's a landlord drinking cheap beer in a dingy bar at noon, telling stories about Dawn and nobody believes him. The barflies shake their heads and say, "Nobody is that stupid!"
Okay. This one pisses me off. I wasn't surprised. It was just the blatant, cavalier nature of the lie that got to me. As you remember, Will took his dumb wife and spaced out sister in law to Myrtle Beach because, he said, Denise had never been to the beach. Weeks later they're at some light house in Denise's home town in Michigan. What is the light house on? A beach! Denise literally lives right by a beach. She may not realize it or remember it, but she still lives right by it! Sometimes I want to yell at the YITS audience. "Don't you see how he doesn't respect you?!? He knows that he can tit out any video and you will watch it and then pray for the fat asshole! Why can't you see this? It's so obvious! Oh, and that's a very nice velvet painting of Jesus you have there. Can I get a ride home in your Pinto? Sweet!"
I was looking at the financial pages the other day. Yum! brands stock is way up. I wonder why? Look at that. Will took Denise to the first KFC because she had never been. The truth is Will wanted KFC chicken. You've seen it all before. Will thinks Col Sanders is the most famous person in the world. David Beckham called. He told Col Sanders to duck right off.
Will was downright orgasmic here. Like fat Gollum ("My precious !) practically cuddling his three piece meal.
In Will's mind, The Sanders Cafe is his church. There are no 10 Commandmets, just 11 Herbs and Spices. Col Sanders is Will's Jesus Christ. As in Jesus Christ! He's so fat!
Next Will drove two hours to eat at Pizza Hut Classic. Mowing the lawn is too hard. Leaving the house before noon is a chore. But Will is more happy to drive two hours for fast food pizza. For a guy who doesn't like pizza, he sure seems to eat a lot of pizza. Will thinks that the "Classic" on the Pizza Hut sign might be a clue that this is a reto-style restaurant. It's also a neon sign pointing to Will being an idiot. How is he not embarrassed? Can shame not travel through fat? If that's the case, Will buried it deeper by ordering two pizzas, garlic parmesan wings and cheesy bread. I believe they call it the "I Don't Need This Foot" special.
While Will pondered the eternal question of: brick or fake brick, Dawn said like four words and Denise said zero. It's like there was a commercial that said, "Come into Pizza Hut and just stare off into space and we'll give free cheesy bread!" Denise made David Crosby look like Donny Osmond. She and Dawn just sat their wearing their sunglasses inside. Hmmm. Why would a person wear their sunglasses to eat lunch inside? Like the brick at Pizza Hut, it's a mystery.
In a totally unrelated note, Will, Dawn and Denise partied with the cocaine bear or, as I like to call him, Beary 5000. Denise even bought a cocaine bear Tshirt. I've never seen her happier. Tony 5000 has, but I haven't. I can't believe that Will's religious stans just let one this slide. Someone complained about the alien brothel years ago. A message must have come from a loyal viewer telling Will his kid asked him about cocaine. Now he's pissed because he doesn't want to share. They danced around the cocaine bear. I want to get Dawn high on cocaine, then put her on an electric bike and see what happens. Probably look like a video on fast forward. Why do I hear "The Benny Hill" theme right now?
"Have you seen Dawn?"
Last I knew she was going to try to jump over Mt LeConte. Drugs are bad, kids. That would be fuckin hysterical, but drugs are bad.
Everyone loves Yankee Mouth! I think it's a family: mother, father and daughter around ten who have made a few YITS parodies. Give the woman who plays Denise an Oscar. Yeah, I know it's not a movie but not even Meryl Streep or Daniel Day Lewis could portray a better Denise. Nailed it! Maybe Brennan Frasier could play Will? Except he already won an Oscar for playing "The Whale". The Yankee Mouth father and daughter do okay. Every time I always want them to do more. They don't go far enough for me. No surprise. Look at terrible things I write. You love it, ya sick duck. I'll think to myself like Martin Scorsese directing them. "Now, Dawn, remember: you don't have an original thought in your head. You are off in your own world having a different conversation than Will. Now, Will, you love yourself and that this scam is working. You just throw out that homespun bullshit that you know they want." For me, it feels like there's a lot more material to mine there. I like it, but it there are lots of phrases, events and habits they haven't parodied yet.
Mysteriously, the Yankee Mouth channel and videos have disappeared. Some have speculated that Will played a role in the disappearances. Oh, sure. Can't send out postcards but he's got time to screw with their channel. Yankee Mouth should change their channel name to "Timothy Farmer" then Will will ignore it.
I gotta hand it to the real Timothy Farmer. That kid is persistent. Every livestream he asks about Chris and Mindy. I can practically count it down to when he's going to ask.
"3...2...1...."
"Ok, look guys..." says Will as a vein would pulsate from his forehead but you can't see it because it's buried under about four inches of forehead fat. There's cable in the ocean not buried as deep.
But let's talk about Chris and Mindy because Will sure doesn't. He'll deflect by saying that they are doing their own thing and that he can't speak for them. Then in the same breath will give out the blood type of YouTube vlogger "Super Slacker" along with their address and social security number. It sure seems like, after Will was such a self-centered jerk at New Years, Mindy gave Will a piece of her mind. Which would give Will exactly one piece of mind.
I'm happy for Chris and Mindy. They seem to have a lot more in common with Chad and Natasha. I bet Mindy can actually have conversations with Natasha outside of topics like: colors, shapes,new items on the Taco Bell menu, Jabberjaw and what the hell is Grover? Did you see the picture of Chad and Chris? Looks like Chris lost weight (and 700lbs of YITS). They were at the Polynesian Resort at WDW. That place ain't cheap. Chris and Mindy no longer have to accommodate YITS and stay in motels with bars on the windows or break down and pay for an Airbnb, while Will takes credit for everything. Chris and Mindy, if you are reading this, you're not sounding out the words like Will and Dawn. Also know that we here are happy that you made the healthiest decision for you and your relationship. Okay, spill the tea. Will smells bad, doesn't he? He never showers. He's covered in a greasy sheen like he's been dipped in an oil slick. He's got all those rolls and folds of fat that probably trap in the funk. You can just tell that Will is one of those guys who thinks nobody can smell him, but everyone can smell him. Will, I'm trying to be your friend here: you are only a couple of years away from the worst smell of all: old man smell. Old guys who live alone never shower. Because they can't smell themselves, they think they don't stink. You walk by them in the grocery store and it not only smells terrible but it also slaps you in the face and it feels like dirt in your eyes. That's going to be you very soon. But since you are famous, people are going to talk. It's going to be mean like the YouTube comments section only among people who actually matter.
Still, everyone loves Yankee Mouth. I'm sitting here getting a calus on my thumb so big it could be on Dawn's face. But everyone loves Yankee Mouth. They're so great. Nobody ever talks about it's got flavur. The little girl is adorable playing Dawn, but I give you more jokes than Will has Columbia shirts. Actually, that would only be five jokes. Nevermind.
Have you noticed that we're seeing a lot of the blue and white Columbia shirt? It's July. He probably took the Santa shirt out of rotation for a bit. Will is wearing big blue so often, I bet if you add water, you can make gravy. Sounds so gross it could be on the menu at Apple Barn.
Will, Dawn and Denise picked some peaches! On the livestream Will said they went to an orchard. The reality is that it's three trees in the backyard of Mama Sidelines. I'm starting to suspect that this Will guy exaggerates a lot. Will, what did this lie get you? They were very nice trees filled with peaches that had more freckles than a ginger convention. Looked like someone shot them with buckshot. Will sounded like Bubba Gump only dumber as he listed off things that you can make with peaches. Will's favorite seems to be peach cobbler. I think Will's mom makes it. You know what he didn't list? Just eating a peach. Can't do that. It needs to be drenched in sugar, fried in lard or covered in cream. Add at least 500 calories before it goes in Will's mouth.
Dawn grew up around goats. Probably, nice for her to have someone around she could relate to. Probably better conversations than with Denise. Although I hear Dawn and the goat grew apart when Spritz graduated high school first. I bet you could teach the goat to turn off a water spigot. Not Dawn, though. The landlord probably thought: smarter, cleaner, better hair. "Hey, Spritz! Do you need an apartment?"
You may be thinking to yourself, "IGF, you handsome, funny motherfucker, you seem a little grumpy tonight, are you okay?"
Whoa. How the duck did I end up all the way down here?
These two human slugs have done so little recently, they're probably growing moss. I'm convinced that Will is getting lazier. He's breathing heavier. He's approaching the point where he's carrying so much weight that just existing is difficult. He left The Smokies because Ryan AIOT is a million times better. Sorry, Ryan. I didn't mean to insult you. Ryan AIOT is a billion times better. While Will is a billion times heavier. tit. I put more work, thought and effort into criticizing Will's channel than Will does into the actual channel! Does Timothy Farmer ever ask me about Chris and Mindy? No. Does anyone ever ask me to sing Happy Birthday? Nope. Not once have I gotten a Jesus card that I secretly check for gift cards, then fawn over for 90 seconds before I quietly drop it in the trash. Rick Ashley is not in my freezer. I'm just some jerk who is spending way too much time on something with way more words than Will and Dawn can read. While Spritz sped through it in like two minutes.
Listen, you fat funnel cakes, the first time seeing you is shock. No one can believe that two people as old as you can be this stupid. Then we enjoy you ironically. You used to be fun to laugh at. Now you don't do anything. You can't even be bothered to show up somewhere during business hours. Ever since you got back from your cruise you haven't done anything worthwhile. I've seen pet rocks that do more than you. It feels like, to me anyway, that the YITS audience is made of mouth breathers, geriatrics in God's waiting and hate-watchers, who are smart, affluent, attractive and I know of one who has a hot ass. In short, Will: your audience sucks. I think your laziness has driven off the second best group: regular people who like The Smokies and want information. Have you noticed the subscriber count on AIOT? Just so you know: the big number is bad for you. Those are all the people who made a choice. If you actually tried and made an effort, you might get your coveted YouTube doorstop faster. Aren't you going to be embarrassed if you and Ryan get to 100K around the same time? Of course, if you ask Dawn she'll say, "Do we have a YouTube channel?" Then she'll thank Mike Ox Long for saying she has pretty hair.
The Smokies was your best chance to compete. Sure Ryan is handsome with only one chin and does a better job than you but The Smokies is the only place where you have any knowledge. When you leave, you just waddle around, read a plaque wrong and then say, "Yeah...huh." That's not interesting. It's a waste of the viewers time. That's why you are losing. Right now you are the top Smoky Mountain vlogger. In six months what are you going to be? Well, probably fatter. I hope for your own sake you don't get stupider. *Shudder* You're not going to be number one in a third-rate area. You're going to be just another face in the YouTube crowd. A very fat face, but you aren't as personable as ATW, you don't speak as effectively as JTC, I can't think of anything that you have over the top vloggers other than chins. You're not very smart and, to make it worse, you barely put in effort. Why would anyone want to watch that? I'm glad that old people who no longer have the strength to yell at kids to get off their lawn watch your channel. Congratulations for wrapping up The Walton's demographic. But what about people who can still get out of bed on their own? You offer no information, no entertainment, more often than not you can't into the building! Why would a person with all their teeth want to watch that? They don't.
You may be thinking to yourself, "IGF, you handsome, funny motherfucker, you seem a little grumpy tonight, are you okay?"
It's about time you asked. Glad I didn't fall down a well. I'd still be down there.
When I started recapping about three YITS chins ago, it was fun. There were things to satirize: YITS took a cruise, Denise's daughter looks like Andre the Giant and the taste of racoon penis on a hot Sunday morning. Now... Will gets winded thinking about walking. He sounds like a living heart attack. I've got nothing to work with here other than Dawn and her childproof well. If Will's strategy is to be so boring and terrible that I and others like me go away, it's working.
Wait a second.
Am I being outsmarted by Will Grace?
Oh, my gawd.
Get me a well.
I'm jumping in.
If I can offer you a bit of advice, gentle reader. If you ever find yourself unable to sleep, never start recapping the activities of two people who look like they were engineered in the back of Butterbean's swap meet booth out of beef tallow and used lottery scratchers. Look. It can be fun to insult two human Crisco cans. They certainly deserve it. People laugh. It can be fun. Here's the problem: you will reach the point where they don't do anything. They are not giving me much to work with here. It would be like if I had to write ten paragraphs on a puddle of sedentary water. Of course you know what water and Dawn have in common?
You can find them both at the bottom of a well.
Ha! I set you up. Fished in!
Well...well...well...
Okay. They gave me one thing to work with. I blame Dawn's grandpa. I can picture his wrinkled hand reaching up and rubbing his furrowed brow after his granddaughter did yet another stupid fuckin thing as he wonders why. "Why did I pull her out of that well?" You know he did. How could he not? "Dawn Marie if don't speed waddle over here right now, I'm gonna throw you back in the well!"
Thankfully, they boarded up the well. Probably because her family knew odds were very good she'd just end up down there again. Vegas wouldn't take my money. They told me, "Of course she's gonna end up down there again! Have you seen her?!"
All we know is that she spent nine months in the hospital. But when you picture the accident, you picture her hitting her head, right? Then you try to pinpoint the part of the skull where blunt force trauma would cause the most neurological damage. That's the spot you imagine Dawn landed on. The only question is, "Did she hit it 10 more times?" I picture Dawn falling down the well head first sort like a shuttlecock. The stupidest shuttlecock ever.
I don't know what is wrong with that well. I do know that nobody wished for Dawn. Nobody thew in a coin and said, "I want a very slow girl who doesn't pay attention, eats loads of fat every day, kinda bitchy and loves poop and fart jokes. Lots and lots of poop and fart jokes." It's more like a Wish.com well. Just know, Grampa Carrier, wherever you are, you thought you were doing the right thing, but you made the world a whole lot dumber. Next time, stick to sharpening chainsaws in your Ted Kaczynski shack.
So he sharpened chainsaws for a living? I expect to find a sticker on the door of the chainsaw business "As Seen on Dateline! Stone Phillips gave us four stars!" Another sign: This business has been murder free for ____ days." Yeah, I'm not going in there.
Outside of the well, we saw the area where Dawn grew up. I know you watched the video because I heard you say, "Yeah. That makes sense now."
I wasn't sure if I was watching where Dawn grew up or a filmstrip on The Depression. We got to see some lovely, dilapidated houses and trailers that, looking at Dawn, I'm guessing were painted with lead paint.
When Dawn was a little girl she and her siblings would earn a little money by cleaning up the local drive-in movie theater. Dawn's grandfather was apparently was a partner in the drive-in. I know if I was looking for some business capital, I'd definitely see where Dawn's grandpa lived and think "movie mogul". Look at that compound with the creepy house and lopsided trailer! Oooh, is that a well that's been idiot proofed?!? Oh, yeah! We got a regular Scrooge McDuck here!
Dawn's job was to pick up trash in the field after the movies. Because little girls should be tromping through a field around 11 o'clock at night. Let's do the math here. Dawn was born in 1973. Add in the fact that her family is a bunch of hicks, I'm going to estimate that Dawn picked up trash in the late 70s to very early 80s. I remember a lot of drive-ins started to close in the early 80s. So let's cut the difference and say Dawn picked up drive-in trash somewhere between 1979 to 1983. Can you imagine the stuff you might find in the late 70s? "Dawn, go clean up where that groovy van was. And don't forget to wear rubber gloves." "Those are not balloons, Dawn. Don't try to blow them up! You put them in the trash right now! If you do that again, it's back in the well!"
Then Dawn took us to the local outdoor pool where Dawn was a lifeguard. You know how Will is, so insecure that he has to exaggerate everything. I don't believe that Dawn was a lifeguard. One: They don't make ten piece bikinis. Two: lifeguards don't paint fences. I never turned on Baywatch to see Pam Anderson painting in slow motion. I took lifeguard classes. I must have been stuck in a well when they taught fence painting. Also, who paints a chain link fence? It was already silver!!! It was obvious, but not to Dawn 35 years later, that the people at the pool gave Dawn an easy job to keep her occupied and out of their hair. She was a lifeguard in the same way that Will uses Right Guard.
Can you imagine if you were drowning in that pool and it was Dawn who was there to rescue you? I'm not sure she could find the right hole for mouth to mouth even though the instructions are in the name.
Dawn says she could rescue Will. Dawn, look at the size of your husband. Now look at the length of your arms. You can't reach all the way around him. To be fair, neither can chimpanzees.
Dawn said she said she sat in the lifeguard chair. She probably did until someone came out and screamed, "Get out of the chair, Dawn! You're not a lifeguard! Get back to painting the fence!" Will wondered if the boys were all hot and bothered for lifeguard Dawn like Wendy Peffercorn, the lifeguard from the 90s movie "The Sandlot", probably the last movie Will saw in a theater and the newest reference he's ever made. Except, being Will, he called her Sandy Culpepper. Sandy Duncan, Sandy Koufax, Wendy O. Williams, use any name you want. I'll bet you a million dollars in racoon penis that there is no way any boy wanted to date the creepy well girl who picked up trash at the drive-in. Have you ever seen a drive-in and thought, "What a nice part of town,"? No. It's always sketchy as hell and right near the stretch of railroad tracks where missing bodies are found.
In "The Sandlot", Wendy Peffercorn didn't live with her family and Spritz the goat on a militia compound.
Like Dawn cares. She probably heard the name and wondered if there's a Minions Peffercorn bucket. As long as Will can help her open it.
Dawn was such a terrible lifeguard she almost drowned her downstairs neighbor. Dawn said she left the water running in her upstairs apartment. Someone knocked on the door and told her she was flooding the apartment below hers. I have so many questions! The first one is, Will, why do you bleeping suck so bad at interviewing? I realize that you probably live with stupid tit on the daily, so this doesn't even phase you, but there are some of us who have a spouse of the non-drooling variety. What was so interesting or important that Dawn forgot about the water? Did a Jabberjaw cartoon come on TV? Was there a shiny object? Did she have PTWS? Post Traumatic Well Syndrome. Was she too busy trying to figure out how many brothers and sisters she has? I need these answers, Will! And like a standard IQ test, you failed me.
The kicker is that Dawn's landlord made her move downstairs. Key words: made her. Do you know what that means? It means this was the last straw. It was only the latest of stupid tit the landlord had to fix because he owns an apartment and not a inflatable bounce house where she's less likely to hurt herself. He was probably afraid that Dawn would fall out the upstairs window. Then he'd have to deal with Well 2: Dawn on the Lawn. I'm going to take a wild guess: she didn't get her safety deposit back. He should have made her buy flooding or tsunami insurance.
Somewhere there's a landlord drinking cheap beer in a dingy bar at noon, telling stories about Dawn and nobody believes him. The barflies shake their heads and say, "Nobody is that stupid!"
Okay. This one pisses me off. I wasn't surprised. It was just the blatant, cavalier nature of the lie that got to me. As you remember, Will took his dumb wife and spaced out sister in law to Myrtle Beach because, he said, Denise had never been to the beach. Weeks later they're at some light house in Denise's home town in Michigan. What is the light house on? A beach! Denise literally lives right by a beach. She may not realize it or remember it, but she still lives right by it! Sometimes I want to yell at the YITS audience. "Don't you see how he doesn't respect you?!? He knows that he can tit out any video and you will watch it and then pray for the fat asshole! Why can't you see this? It's so obvious! Oh, and that's a very nice velvet painting of Jesus you have there. Can I get a ride home in your Pinto? Sweet!"
I was looking at the financial pages the other day. Yum! brands stock is way up. I wonder why? Look at that. Will took Denise to the first KFC because she had never been. The truth is Will wanted KFC chicken. You've seen it all before. Will thinks Col Sanders is the most famous person in the world. David Beckham called. He told Col Sanders to duck right off.
Will was downright orgasmic here. Like fat Gollum ("My precious !) practically cuddling his three piece meal.
In Will's mind, The Sanders Cafe is his church. There are no 10 Commandmets, just 11 Herbs and Spices. Col Sanders is Will's Jesus Christ. As in Jesus Christ! He's so fat!
Next Will drove two hours to eat at Pizza Hut Classic. Mowing the lawn is too hard. Leaving the house before noon is a chore. But Will is more happy to drive two hours for fast food pizza. For a guy who doesn't like pizza, he sure seems to eat a lot of pizza. Will thinks that the "Classic" on the Pizza Hut sign might be a clue that this is a reto-style restaurant. It's also a neon sign pointing to Will being an idiot. How is he not embarrassed? Can shame not travel through fat? If that's the case, Will buried it deeper by ordering two pizzas, garlic parmesan wings and cheesy bread. I believe they call it the "I Don't Need This Foot" special.
While Will pondered the eternal question of: brick or fake brick, Dawn said like four words and Denise said zero. It's like there was a commercial that said, "Come into Pizza Hut and just stare off into space and we'll give free cheesy bread!" Denise made David Crosby look like Donny Osmond. She and Dawn just sat their wearing their sunglasses inside. Hmmm. Why would a person wear their sunglasses to eat lunch inside? Like the brick at Pizza Hut, it's a mystery.
In a totally unrelated note, Will, Dawn and Denise partied with the cocaine bear or, as I like to call him, Beary 5000. Denise even bought a cocaine bear Tshirt. I've never seen her happier. Tony 5000 has, but I haven't. I can't believe that Will's religious stans just let one this slide. Someone complained about the alien brothel years ago. A message must have come from a loyal viewer telling Will his kid asked him about cocaine. Now he's pissed because he doesn't want to share. They danced around the cocaine bear. I want to get Dawn high on cocaine, then put her on an electric bike and see what happens. Probably look like a video on fast forward. Why do I hear "The Benny Hill" theme right now?
"Have you seen Dawn?"
Last I knew she was going to try to jump over Mt LeConte. Drugs are bad, kids. That would be fuckin hysterical, but drugs are bad.
Everyone loves Yankee Mouth! I think it's a family: mother, father and daughter around ten who have made a few YITS parodies. Give the woman who plays Denise an Oscar. Yeah, I know it's not a movie but not even Meryl Streep or Daniel Day Lewis could portray a better Denise. Nailed it! Maybe Brennan Frasier could play Will? Except he already won an Oscar for playing "The Whale". The Yankee Mouth father and daughter do okay. Every time I always want them to do more. They don't go far enough for me. No surprise. Look at terrible things I write. You love it, ya sick duck. I'll think to myself like Martin Scorsese directing them. "Now, Dawn, remember: you don't have an original thought in your head. You are off in your own world having a different conversation than Will. Now, Will, you love yourself and that this scam is working. You just throw out that homespun bullshit that you know they want." For me, it feels like there's a lot more material to mine there. I like it, but it there are lots of phrases, events and habits they haven't parodied yet.
Mysteriously, the Yankee Mouth channel and videos have disappeared. Some have speculated that Will played a role in the disappearances. Oh, sure. Can't send out postcards but he's got time to screw with their channel. Yankee Mouth should change their channel name to "Timothy Farmer" then Will will ignore it.
I gotta hand it to the real Timothy Farmer. That kid is persistent. Every livestream he asks about Chris and Mindy. I can practically count it down to when he's going to ask.
"3...2...1...."
"Ok, look guys..." says Will as a vein would pulsate from his forehead but you can't see it because it's buried under about four inches of forehead fat. There's cable in the ocean not buried as deep.
But let's talk about Chris and Mindy because Will sure doesn't. He'll deflect by saying that they are doing their own thing and that he can't speak for them. Then in the same breath will give out the blood type of YouTube vlogger "Super Slacker" along with their address and social security number. It sure seems like, after Will was such a self-centered jerk at New Years, Mindy gave Will a piece of her mind. Which would give Will exactly one piece of mind.
I'm happy for Chris and Mindy. They seem to have a lot more in common with Chad and Natasha. I bet Mindy can actually have conversations with Natasha outside of topics like: colors, shapes,new items on the Taco Bell menu, Jabberjaw and what the hell is Grover? Did you see the picture of Chad and Chris? Looks like Chris lost weight (and 700lbs of YITS). They were at the Polynesian Resort at WDW. That place ain't cheap. Chris and Mindy no longer have to accommodate YITS and stay in motels with bars on the windows or break down and pay for an Airbnb, while Will takes credit for everything. Chris and Mindy, if you are reading this, you're not sounding out the words like Will and Dawn. Also know that we here are happy that you made the healthiest decision for you and your relationship. Okay, spill the tea. Will smells bad, doesn't he? He never showers. He's covered in a greasy sheen like he's been dipped in an oil slick. He's got all those rolls and folds of fat that probably trap in the funk. You can just tell that Will is one of those guys who thinks nobody can smell him, but everyone can smell him. Will, I'm trying to be your friend here: you are only a couple of years away from the worst smell of all: old man smell. Old guys who live alone never shower. Because they can't smell themselves, they think they don't stink. You walk by them in the grocery store and it not only smells terrible but it also slaps you in the face and it feels like dirt in your eyes. That's going to be you very soon. But since you are famous, people are going to talk. It's going to be mean like the YouTube comments section only among people who actually matter.
Still, everyone loves Yankee Mouth. I'm sitting here getting a calus on my thumb so big it could be on Dawn's face. But everyone loves Yankee Mouth. They're so great. Nobody ever talks about it's got flavur. The little girl is adorable playing Dawn, but I give you more jokes than Will has Columbia shirts. Actually, that would only be five jokes. Nevermind.
Have you noticed that we're seeing a lot of the blue and white Columbia shirt? It's July. He probably took the Santa shirt out of rotation for a bit. Will is wearing big blue so often, I bet if you add water, you can make gravy. Sounds so gross it could be on the menu at Apple Barn.
Will, Dawn and Denise picked some peaches! On the livestream Will said they went to an orchard. The reality is that it's three trees in the backyard of Mama Sidelines. I'm starting to suspect that this Will guy exaggerates a lot. Will, what did this lie get you? They were very nice trees filled with peaches that had more freckles than a ginger convention. Looked like someone shot them with buckshot. Will sounded like Bubba Gump only dumber as he listed off things that you can make with peaches. Will's favorite seems to be peach cobbler. I think Will's mom makes it. You know what he didn't list? Just eating a peach. Can't do that. It needs to be drenched in sugar, fried in lard or covered in cream. Add at least 500 calories before it goes in Will's mouth.
Dawn grew up around goats. Probably, nice for her to have someone around she could relate to. Probably better conversations than with Denise. Although I hear Dawn and the goat grew apart when Spritz graduated high school first. I bet you could teach the goat to turn off a water spigot. Not Dawn, though. The landlord probably thought: smarter, cleaner, better hair. "Hey, Spritz! Do you need an apartment?"
You may be thinking to yourself, "IGF, you handsome, funny motherfucker, you seem a little grumpy tonight, are you okay?"
Whoa. How the duck did I end up all the way down here?
These two human slugs have done so little recently, they're probably growing moss. I'm convinced that Will is getting lazier. He's breathing heavier. He's approaching the point where he's carrying so much weight that just existing is difficult. He left The Smokies because Ryan AIOT is a million times better. Sorry, Ryan. I didn't mean to insult you. Ryan AIOT is a billion times better. While Will is a billion times heavier. tit. I put more work, thought and effort into criticizing Will's channel than Will does into the actual channel! Does Timothy Farmer ever ask me about Chris and Mindy? No. Does anyone ever ask me to sing Happy Birthday? Nope. Not once have I gotten a Jesus card that I secretly check for gift cards, then fawn over for 90 seconds before I quietly drop it in the trash. Rick Ashley is not in my freezer. I'm just some jerk who is spending way too much time on something with way more words than Will and Dawn can read. While Spritz sped through it in like two minutes.
Listen, you fat funnel cakes, the first time seeing you is shock. No one can believe that two people as old as you can be this stupid. Then we enjoy you ironically. You used to be fun to laugh at. Now you don't do anything. You can't even be bothered to show up somewhere during business hours. Ever since you got back from your cruise you haven't done anything worthwhile. I've seen pet rocks that do more than you. It feels like, to me anyway, that the YITS audience is made of mouth breathers, geriatrics in God's waiting and hate-watchers, who are smart, affluent, attractive and I know of one who has a hot ass. In short, Will: your audience sucks. I think your laziness has driven off the second best group: regular people who like The Smokies and want information. Have you noticed the subscriber count on AIOT? Just so you know: the big number is bad for you. Those are all the people who made a choice. If you actually tried and made an effort, you might get your coveted YouTube doorstop faster. Aren't you going to be embarrassed if you and Ryan get to 100K around the same time? Of course, if you ask Dawn she'll say, "Do we have a YouTube channel?" Then she'll thank Mike Ox Long for saying she has pretty hair.
The Smokies was your best chance to compete. Sure Ryan is handsome with only one chin and does a better job than you but The Smokies is the only place where you have any knowledge. When you leave, you just waddle around, read a plaque wrong and then say, "Yeah...huh." That's not interesting. It's a waste of the viewers time. That's why you are losing. Right now you are the top Smoky Mountain vlogger. In six months what are you going to be? Well, probably fatter. I hope for your own sake you don't get stupider. *Shudder* You're not going to be number one in a third-rate area. You're going to be just another face in the YouTube crowd. A very fat face, but you aren't as personable as ATW, you don't speak as effectively as JTC, I can't think of anything that you have over the top vloggers other than chins. You're not very smart and, to make it worse, you barely put in effort. Why would anyone want to watch that? I'm glad that old people who no longer have the strength to yell at kids to get off their lawn watch your channel. Congratulations for wrapping up The Walton's demographic. But what about people who can still get out of bed on their own? You offer no information, no entertainment, more often than not you can't into the building! Why would a person with all their teeth want to watch that? They don't.
You may be thinking to yourself, "IGF, you handsome, funny motherfucker, you seem a little grumpy tonight, are you okay?"
It's about time you asked. Glad I didn't fall down a well. I'd still be down there.
When I started recapping about three YITS chins ago, it was fun. There were things to satirize: YITS took a cruise, Denise's daughter looks like Andre the Giant and the taste of racoon penis on a hot Sunday morning. Now... Will gets winded thinking about walking. He sounds like a living heart attack. I've got nothing to work with here other than Dawn and her childproof well. If Will's strategy is to be so boring and terrible that I and others like me go away, it's working.
Wait a second.
Am I being outsmarted by Will Grace?
Oh, my gawd.
Get me a well.
I'm jumping in.
, they are such fans 
. 
Can't wait till that jalopy 300 breaks down on the side of s sweltering rural highway.
