Women with ADHD - diagnosis in adulthood

[I'm not actually here]

Well, seems I have found my people. I'm not diagnosed, but probably because these things weren't even discussed when I was at school. (Am mid 50s) and now I have so little faith in the healthcare system that I don't want to jump through the hoops you read so much about. And I wouldn't take meds with any type of regularity as I'd completely forget them within days of picking them up from the chemist.

I don't want to write a lengthy post as much of this thread so far resonates for me. However, I do need coping mechanisms and strategies.

I've tried lists (lose them, forget I've got 97 lists on my phone etc), I've tried challenges, which I won't even remember by tomorrow, let alone long enough to become a habit or yo achieve anything useful, I've tried kanban boards, huge A3 sheets of paper on the wall in the kitchen, whiteboards, etc etc.

I have managed to instil in myself that when I come home, I empty all my pockets and the car. The keys live there, glasses there, wallet there etc - same place every single time, but that has taken half a century to work out!

The house and garden is a tip. I live off-grid so everything is a real major job e. g. Fetching water to wash up, cooking by headtorch, no fridge etc. I rarely eat as I have felt hungry for so long now, why bother? And to eat, I need to wash up, go shopping etc and I simply don't have the energy to do all those jobs. If I do manage to go shopping, I buy random things from the very badly stocked village shop, none of which will make an actual meal, were on the list I've left at home, and aren't things I actually want to eat because I can no longer remember what I enjoy eating.

Any ideas?!

 

[griftalo]

Well, seems I have found my people. I'm not diagnosed, but probably because these things weren't even discussed when I was at school. (Am mid 50s) and now I have so little faith in the healthcare system that I don't want to jump through the hoops you read so much about. And I wouldn't take meds with any type of regularity as I'd completely forget them within days of picking them up from the chemist.

I don't want to write a lengthy post as much of this thread so far resonates for me. However, I do need coping mechanisms and strategies.

I've tried lists (lose them, forget I've got 97 lists on my phone etc), I've tried challenges, which I won't even remember by tomorrow, let alone long enough to become a habit or yo achieve anything useful, I've tried kanban boards, huge A3 sheets of paper on the wall in the kitchen, whiteboards, etc etc.

I have managed to instil in myself that when I come home, I empty all my pockets and the car. The keys live there, glasses there, wallet there etc - same place every single time, but that has taken half a century to work out!

The house and garden is a tip. I live off-grid so everything is a real major job e. g. Fetching water to wash up, cooking by headtorch, no fridge etc. I rarely eat as I have felt hungry for so long now, why bother? And to eat, I need to wash up, go shopping etc and I simply don't have the energy to do all those jobs. If I do manage to go shopping, I buy random things from the very badly stocked village shop, none of which will make an actual meal, were on the list I've left at home, and aren't things I actually want to eat because I can no longer remember what I enjoy eating.

Any ideas?!

My advice would be tackle one thing at a time. You need to eat, so if you can tolerate eating tinned soup and bread for a bit, get that in and you’ll be fed at least. Then maybe an online calendar like Cozi? If you have the paid version you can set reminders for everything, and daily stuff you can make recurrent so you don’t have to programme each day all the time.
Then you can relax a bit knowing something is there to tell you to do stuff. There’s also an app called fabulous you can make routines on. Having set routines for me is really helpful.
then, think of six meals you love that are easy to cook. Write down what you’d need to buy to make them. Eat those six meals for a few weeks and see if you want to tweak the plan. The. There’s no constant thinking about what to do. Years ago I’d do jacket potato day, a bolognese, corned beef hash, tomato soup, and pizza toast with the last of the bolognese sauce. It meant each week I knew how many potatoes etc I needed to buy. I can probably think of more ideas but I’m pushed for time today - I hope some of this helps.

 

[ishant]

Hi. I just had a lovely chat with a therapist she suspects I have either borderline personality disorder OR adhd. Anyone had a similar suspicion? I completely agree with the ADHD part and don’t identify lol with the borderline but was wondering if anyone has any suggestions/ stories / experiences x

 

[I'm not actually here]

My advice would be tackle one thing at a time. You need to eat, so if you can tolerate eating tinned soup and bread for a bit, get that in and you’ll be fed at least. Then maybe an online calendar like Cozi? If you have the paid version you can set reminders for everything, and daily stuff you can make recurrent so you don’t have to programme each day all the time.
Then you can relax a bit knowing something is there to tell you to do stuff. There’s also an app called fabulous you can make routines on. Having set routines for me is really helpful.
then, think of six meals you love that are easy to cook. Write down what you’d need to buy to make them. Eat those six meals for a few weeks and see if you want to tweak the plan. The. There’s no constant thinking about what to do. Years ago I’d do jacket potato day, a bolognese, corned beef hash, tomato soup, and pizza toast with the last of the bolognese sauce. It meant each week I knew how many potatoes etc I needed to buy. I can probably think of more ideas but I’m pushed for time today - I hope some of this helps.

Routine. I think that is the word I need to hear, regularly. I need routine. My lifestyle isn't set up for it but perhaps I can carve out some space for something that my chaos (especially when hyper focused) needs. Thank you.

 

[maytoseptember]

Hi. I just had a lovely chat with a therapist she suspects I have either borderline personality disorder OR adhd. Anyone had a similar suspicion? I completely agree with the ADHD part and don’t identify lol with the borderline but was wondering if anyone has any suggestions/ stories / experiences x

Lots of women who were diagnosed with BPD when younger have subsequently found out it was never BPD but autism. Autism and ADHD so often go hand in hand, so it might help you to start looking into female presentations of autism to see if that resonates at all?

 

[ishant]

Lots of women who were diagnosed with BPD when younger have subsequently found out it was never BPD but autism. Autism and ADHD so often go hand in hand, so it might help you to start looking into female presentations of autism to see if that resonates at all?

Very interesting because I’m reading “Unmasked” and I can totally see myself potentially having autism…

Can one have both? Either bpd & adhd or autism &adhd?

 

[griftalo]

Very interesting because I’m reading “Unmasked” and I can totally see myself potentially having autism…

Can one have both? Either bpd & adhd or autism &adhd?

Yes you can. I’m living proof. This has been an advertorial with me Troy McClure Griftalo

 

[maytoseptember]

Very interesting because I’m reading “Unmasked” and I can totally see myself potentially having autism…

Can one have both? Either bpd & adhd or autism &adhd?

The problem is, the diagnostic process is imperfect and relies upon the assessment of individual psychiatrists, psychologists and doctors at the end of the day. While one professional might think BPD, the other might think autism. That’s why it’s important to do the research yourself and work out what you think fits you and your backstory.

Like I said, autism and ADHD are often diagnosed together. I actually believe they aren’t two separate condition but the same thing with the same genetic cause. It’s just that they’re expressed differently in different people, and whereas some might get the ADHD diagnosis first, others get the autism diagnosis first. I know families with one ADHD kid, one autistic kid. Or ADHD mum, autistic kid. They aren’t two completely separate and distinct diagnoses. I just wish the medical profession would catch up!

 

[Dotty Merton]

The problem is, the diagnostic process is imperfect and relies upon the assessment of individual psychiatrists, psychologists and doctors at the end of the day. While one professional might think BPD, the other might think autism. That’s why it’s important to do the research yourself and work out what you think fits you and your backstory.

Like I said, autism and ADHD are often diagnosed together. I actually believe they aren’t two separate condition but the same thing with the same genetic cause. It’s just that they’re expressed differently in different people, and whereas some might get the ADHD diagnosis first, others get the autism diagnosis first. I know families with one ADHD kid, one autistic kid. Or ADHD mum, autistic kid. They aren’t two completely separate and distinct diagnoses. I just wish the medical profession would catch up!

So I've just watched the Chris Packham show on autism, I have a little stem I've always been aware of but no-one else would know, its a micro movement thing I do. So autism and adhd for me I think.

Now menopausal, no periods for a couple of months and some huge life changes going on, symptoms increasing, I'm having some problems with organisation, focus and concentration which is a pain in the arse as I've just gone self employed.

I'm going to mention it to my gp next visit, but am seeing you all saying how long it takes to get a diagnosis via the nhs, I can't afford private at the mo. I've a slight heart condition so not sure I'm going to be able to have any meds offered anyway. I've been reading up on how cbd can be helpful for autism and the anxiety associated with adhd. So the postman is bringing me some goodies to try tomorrow.

Anyone else see an increase in symptoms with peri/menopause?
Anyone else had luck with cbd?

 

[griftalo]

So I've just watched the Chris Packham show on autism, I have a little stem I've always been aware of but no-one else would know, its a micro movement thing I do. So autism and adhd for me I think.

Now menopausal, no periods for a couple of months and some huge life changes going on, symptoms increasing, I'm having some problems with organisation, focus and concentration which is a pain in the arse as I've just gone self employed.

I'm going to mention it to my gp next visit, but am seeing you all saying how long it takes to get a diagnosis via the nhs, I can't afford private at the mo. I've a slight heart condition so not sure I'm going to be able to have any meds offered anyway. I've been reading up on how cbd can be helpful for autism and the anxiety associated with adhd. So the postman is bringing me some goodies to try tomorrow.

Anyone else see an increase in symptoms with peri/menopause?
Anyone else had luck with cbd?

Yes to worse symptoms, hrt patches helped but the weight gain from them put me off. I’ve used cbd in the past but not for that specific purpose, I take gaba supplements which I find really helpful.

 

[Dotty Merton]

Yes to worse symptoms, hrt patches helped but the weight gain from them put me off. I’ve used cbd in the past but not for that specific purpose, I take gaba supplements which I find really helpful.

Ahh yes, I do have hrt patches but I screwed them up a bit so had a month off which could be adding to the problem. Back on them this week so that might help matters though now my periods seem to of stopped I might need to change which type I use. (I didn't gain weight but bleeds were awful to start with so I started cutting the patches in half which stopped the heavy flooding.) I'll read up on Gaba, thank you.

 

[Atruck]

Hi I introduced myself ages ago on this thread and said I'd steadily read through it and absorb advice and resources from your experiences....but because that would be a beneficial proactive thing to do I haven't managed it.
Managing keeping up more with the goings on of twits who benefit nobody's threads though!

So please, can I ask, if anyone on the top of their head can remember what the first step of getting their conditions (is that too dramatic a word?) Was? Speed is my priority at the moment, well before I find out what impact costs are on that priority.

And if anyone got family involved? I think a parent would be the only person who would have a sense of the reality of my symptoms, but I'm a bit sickened at the thought of opening up the can of worms of them feeling vindicated about beliefs and treatment towards me as a child that I don't feel would be justified from any parent (nothing abusive) that I really don't want to air. But I think I'll be able to come around to the thought of them feel satisfaction (embarrassed by how that sounds bitter) if I can improve my life, and that will mean something to them too.

 

[adviseplz]

Hi I introduced myself ages ago on this thread and said I'd steadily read through it and absorb advice and resources from your experiences....but because that would be a beneficial proactive thing to do I haven't managed it.
Managing keeping up more with the goings on of twits who benefit nobody's threads though!

So please, can I ask, if anyone on the top of their head can remember what the first step of getting their conditions (is that too dramatic a word?) Was? Speed is my priority at the moment, well before I find out what impact costs are on that priority.

And if anyone got family involved? I think a parent would be the only person who would have a sense of the reality of my symptoms, but I'm a bit sickened at the thought of opening up the can of worms of them feeling vindicated about beliefs and treatment towards me as a child that I don't feel would be justified from any parent (nothing abusive) that I really don't want to air. But I think I'll be able to come around to the thought of them feel satisfaction (embarrassed by how that sounds bitter) if I can improve my life, and that will mean something to them too.

My first step was going to the doctor. I took a long list of reasons, with examples, why I thought I had ADHD. I've been referred, but still on the waiting list.

Like you, I was dreading talking to my family, took about 6 months from when I first went the GP. My friend set me a deadline (lol) and I did it the day before that date.

It was a mixed experience. It wasn't great initially, a lot of the 'reasons' why I thought I had it got dismissed - "but that's the same for everyone". But at the same time, I don't think they really understood what ADHD is/what it means/it's not something that you can change. Once we talked it out, it's been great and they've been as supportive as they can. My advice would be to try and give examples that are specific to you, similar to what I said from the GP, but also explain to them a bit about ADHD. I included things I used to do back in my childhood as that's harder for them to dismiss.

It's different for everyone, but now I've told them I'm so relieved. Also, in a lot of cases, it's hereditary so chances are one of your parents has it... as I discovered with one of my parents when I was talking about the signs!

If you still don't want to talk to your parents, can any friends from when you were younger help? Or people you've worked with, someone you lived with, or a partner? My old flatmate was great in helping me with the list of examples.

Good luck

I've found the reddit sub r/ADHD really useful and helpful - https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/?rdt=33062
I use the search function to search for advice on what I'm struggling with, or what to find out more about.

 

[Underthetabletop]

Hi I introduced myself ages ago on this thread and said I'd steadily read through it and absorb advice and resources from your experiences....but because that would be a beneficial proactive thing to do I haven't managed it.
Managing keeping up more with the goings on of twits who benefit nobody's threads though!

So please, can I ask, if anyone on the top of their head can remember what the first step of getting their conditions (is that too dramatic a word?) Was? Speed is my priority at the moment, well before I find out what impact costs are on that priority.

And if anyone got family involved? I think a parent would be the only person who would have a sense of the reality of my symptoms, but I'm a bit sickened at the thought of opening up the can of worms of them feeling vindicated about beliefs and treatment towards me as a child that I don't feel would be justified from any parent (nothing abusive) that I really don't want to air. But I think I'll be able to come around to the thought of them feel satisfaction (embarrassed by how that sounds bitter) if I can improve my life, and that will mean something to them too.

I did the adhd quiz online form adhd uk and insisted on the right to choose pathway. I had to do redo a quiz and then redo do it again for the referal but the consistency is worth it for proving you need an assessment.
I had similar worries with my parents, but I had to justify it that I’m an adult and this is about me. And having a diagnosis really helps. I still mask, but I’ve been really open so people know about it and get me more. I haven’t got meds yet but I feel so much better just knowing! And feel justified in looking at support books and pages now, not like a fraud if you get me. It’s so scary- this time last year I started to consider it and I’ve know about six weeks now officially but it has been worth the fear

 

[griftalo]

My first step was going to the doctor. I took a long list of reasons, with examples, why I thought I had ADHD. I've been referred, but still on the waiting list.

Like you, I was dreading talking to my family, took about 6 months from when I first went the GP. My friend set me a deadline (lol) and I did it the day before that date.

It was a mixed experience. It wasn't great initially, a lot of the 'reasons' why I thought I had it got dismissed - "but that's the same for everyone". But at the same time, I don't think they really understood what ADHD is/what it means/it's not something that you can change. Once we talked it out, it's been great and they've been as supportive as they can. My advice would be to try and give examples that are specific to you, similar to what I said from the GP, but also explain to them a bit about ADHD. I included things I used to do back in my childhood as that's harder for them to dismiss.

It's different for everyone, but now I've told them I'm so relieved. Also, in a lot of cases, it's hereditary so chances are one of your parents has it... as I discovered with one of my parents when I was talking about the signs!

If you still don't want to talk to your parents, can any friends from when you were younger help? Or people you've worked with, someone you lived with, or a partner? My old flatmate was great in helping me with the list of examples.

Good luck

I've found the reddit sub r/ADHD really useful and helpful - https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/?rdt=33062
I use the search function to search for advice on what I'm struggling with, or what to find out more about.

My partner did mine.

 

[kingseven]

My partner did mine.

my boss did mine!

 

[Fifah1907]

my boss did mine!

My big sister (who, as an aside, is a psychology lecturer 8 years older than me and has *always* said I was neuro diverse) did mine. The doctor suggested my mother but the way I stared at him when she said it led her to say ‘ooooor someone else’ but my boss also said she would do it, or one of the examiners I work with really closely at work!
---
My sister and I were discussing the hereditary-ness of it and I mentioned that I couldn’t see where I got it from. She was like ‘have you met dad’ and now it’s so blindingly obvious that I can’t believe I never put two and two together
---

Hi I introduced myself ages ago on this thread and said I'd steadily read through it and absorb advice and resources from your experiences....but because that would be a beneficial proactive thing to do I haven't managed it.
Managing keeping up more with the goings on of twits who benefit nobody's threads though!

So please, can I ask, if anyone on the top of their head can remember what the first step of getting their conditions (is that too dramatic a word?) Was? Speed is my priority at the moment, well before I find out what impact costs are on that priority.

And if anyone got family involved? I think a parent would be the only person who would have a sense of the reality of my symptoms, but I'm a bit sickened at the thought of opening up the can of worms of them feeling vindicated about beliefs and treatment towards me as a child that I don't feel would be justified from any parent (nothing abusive) that I really don't want to air. But I think I'll be able to come around to the thought of them feel satisfaction (embarrassed by how that sounds bitter) if I can improve my life, and that will mean something to them too.

I really get how you feel about getting parents involved. My mother is a strong believer in ‘screens/technology cause autism’. Part of the reason I don’t talk to her about it - and she doesn’t know that I’m going through the referral process - is that I know that when I was diagnosed adhd as a kid is that she blames herself for it being ‘bad’ parenting. My granny literally came out and told her that the reason I have adhd is because my sisters went to boarding school and I grew up as an only child 🥲 I don’t blame her for it at all, it’s more protecting myself and her that I don’t want her to know. If anything comes of it I will tell her (or if any of my niece/nephew go through the referral) but for now I don’t want to hurt her

 

[Underthetabletop]

My partner did mine.

My partner did mine and actually scored me lower than I did myself even though the lead up to it nearly lead us to killing each other and life with me was hell since lockdown
---

I really get how you feel about getting parents involved. My mother is a strong believer in ‘screens/technology cause autism’. Part of the reason I don’t talk to her about it - and she doesn’t know that I’m going through the referral process - is that I know that when I was diagnosed adhd as a kid is that she blames herself for it being ‘bad’ parenting. My granny literally came out and told her that the reason I have adhd is because my sisters went to boarding school and I grew up as an only child 🥲 I don’t blame her for it at all, it’s more protecting myself and her that I don’t want her to know. If anything comes of it I will tell her (or if any of my niece/nephew go through the referral) but for now I don’t want to hurt her

Dunno what went off there! But my mum really struggled with mine- I couldn’t have been that bad, I wasn’t as a child (yeah, strict routines and nagging she did helped) it was other people causing issues when they appeared. Shes slowly coming round. And on Facebook is so supportive
But everyone else has been so accepting and great that I just think duck it now tbh. It’s me, get over it.

 

[soupmodel]

Hey fellow Tattlers ! I found this thread but haven't read the previous pages yet but plan to do so. Just reaching out to find people like me and I know how fantastic this forum can be .

Diagnosed early this year. On meds and the dosage has been increased a couple of times. I'm currently very blessed to be getting one-to-one support with an O/T and they are going to invite me to a peer group in 2024.

I know we are all wired in beautifully different ways but I'm going through serious burnout right now and it just won't lift 🫠. Did anyone else find that they had a sort of regression while mourning what life could have been after their diagnosis?

At my O/T appointment today, we were building a sort of profile about me so I can use it in the workplace or even with personal relationships to give others a better understanding of my ADHD. The bit I struggled with the most were listing the positives about myself... It comes from years of shame related responses and that's something I'm working through. Always seeing the good in others but highlighting my worst attributes first so no one else needs to.

I'm hoping to ask if you guys for a bit of online body doubling here, if anyone cares to list what positives you feel you have in life that are part of your ADHD, I'd love to hear from your perspective?

Thanks in advance

 

[griftalo]

Hey fellow Tattlers ! I found this thread but haven't read the previous pages yet but plan to do so. Just reaching out to find people like me and I know how fantastic this forum can be .

Diagnosed early this year. On meds and the dosage has been increased a couple of times. I'm currently very blessed to be getting one-to-one support with an O/T and they are going to invite me to a peer group in 2024.

I know we are all wired in beautifully different ways but I'm going through serious burnout right now and it just won't lift 🫠. Did anyone else find that they had a sort of regression while mourning what life could have been after their diagnosis?

At my O/T appointment today, we were building a sort of profile about me so I can use it in the workplace or even with personal relationships to give others a better understanding of my ADHD. The bit I struggled with the most were listing the positives about myself... It comes from years of shame related responses and that's something I'm working through. Always seeing the good in others but highlighting my worst attributes first so no one else needs to.

I'm hoping to ask if you guys for a bit of online body doubling here, if anyone cares to list what positives you feel you have in life that are part of your ADHD, I'd love to hear from your perspective?

Thanks in advance

Can I ask if you’re in the Uk and how you managed to get any support if so?