Why is your ex an ex?

[tskiry56]

It was anxiety-inducing, certainly for me as I had been in this scenario many times with my nasty ex. But it is worth a watch, as it was interesting to see their reactions and the reasons they thought he was not controlling her.

It is very scary how someone’s behaviour can get so quickly into your veins and your psyche. Very subtle and you ignore it at first, dismissing it as a one-off. By the time you realise what is happening you’re in too deep. Narcissists do make you doubt yourself, they make you feel like you are going round the bend, he constantly used to accuse me of it, said I was mental over and over, until I became so timid when trying to deal with him, I gave in for a quiet life. You soon realise it will never be a quiet life with these kind of people because they will suck the bloody life out of you!

I totally agree it’s just sad you can’t see the situation until your out of it! They have such a negative impact on you. I felt sorry for my ex because he made me believe I was the reason for his behaviour and so did his family.
They supported him fully through out everything he did to me .
I hope your feeling better and well done you for finding the courage it’s bloody tough to!

 

[Bleurghgram]

1. I put on weight and he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. We went about 6 months without having sex before he broke up with me because we were best friends rather than in a relationship. I was utterly head over heels for him and was devastated, even though I’d known for a long time it was over.

2. I had sex with someone else while I was blackout drunk. I don’t remember how it happened but he understandably had a zero tolerance policy for cheating.

3. He was an abusive, c addicted gaslighter who controlled me and everything I did. He lovebombed me and isolated me from friends and family before showing his true colours. My best friend saw the signs but never told me to leave him as she knew I wouldn’t listen and would possibly cut off her if she was too forceful. She constantly reiterated that I shouldn’t be treated that way and helped me find the strength within myself to get out. It was a lightbulb moment, the morning I decided to leave I contacted my boss and my family and told them everything so I had a support network in place to stop me going back. Looking back on it now, I don’t think I ever even liked him let alone loved him, but I thought it was what I deserved after ex 2. I honestly believe my best friend saved my life with how she gently helped me see who he was.

 

[Bexybest]

My ex started worked nights and struggled to sleep in the day. I came home from my 9-5 and he would want me to wake him up but he was tired so was horrible. He would shout and moan about how hard his life was and that because we lived together he had responsibilities and couldn't quit his job (so my fault). I'd wake him up and he would sit on his phone for an hour while I nagged him to get up. He would be ratty and horrible. He was always late for his train so would beg me to drive him at 8pm - obvs we needed his income to pay the rent so I always caved.

It was awful and brought out the worst in both of us. I broke up with him on Christmas Day when I realised what a piece of work he was and how I could do so much better.

 

[Sosig]

Ex 1 (I had ex’s prior to this but they were silly teenage things)
Lasted - 2 and a half years (on/off)
Was four years older than me and could easily influence me, I think because he was 23 I thought he was an actual man
- Would publicly check other girls out in front of me, so much that sometimes they would reciprocate.
- Would make remarks about my weight (I was a size 8 that went down to a size 6 because of it. I’m now a 10) calling me fatty if I was eating something like pizza or ice cream. He’d buy me clothes as gifts that were purposely smaller so that I’d look and feel vile in them. He’d pick at what I’d order on a menu (classiest place we went for tea was whetherspoons and I’d always pay, ha!)
- He would keep his social life separate from me and in the 2 and a half years we were together he probably took me out about 5 times and that was to the cinema, every other time he saw me was at my flat or when he would invite me round for tea at his with his parents.
- I would completely turn my plans for the week upside down so I could see him - he wouldn’t do the same.
- He would go out/festivals etc and then start following groups of girls on Instagram the next day. When I asked about it he blocked my number and wouldn’t talk to me for about 6 weeks, during which I hardly ate because I felt worthless without him. When we got back together he blocked me on social media as “jealousy is an weird trait”.
- Would have a go at me over something and then block my number when I would try and back myself up. Then he’d unblock it the next day and wait until I’d message him first.
- Would buy me gifts after doing this this ranged from a Yankee candle to a Michael Kors watch.
- We went on holiday (it was my first time abroad) and he barely spoke to me the whole time as he had “nothing to say to me” so it was pretty lonely.
- He’d gaslight me so much that I’d get myself in an awful state (I suffer from anxiety and he knew how to trigger it) and would just sit there and ignore me - but then that night he went out and bought me a TV.
- The day it ended he was trying so hard to start an argument with me and then said he doesn’t think we have a future and went to leave. He kept standing there so knew he was trying to get me to beg for him to stay. In the end I said “let me make it easier for you” and slammed the door in his face.
- A couple of days later he’s all exclusive with a woman 14 years older than him and would try and sniff round me when they’d be on a break.

Ashamed to say we hooked up once after I split with Ex 2 and then he kept chasing me for ages until I got with my boyfriend who I’ve been with for almost 3 years. I basically said I have a boyfriend and he responds “feel sorry for him” and blocked my number

Ex 2 (approx 5 months after splitting with Ex 1)
Lasted - 8 months ish.
- We already knew each other through work but he had a reputation for being a duck boy as he had dated 2 other colleagues before me.
- Love bombed me from the get go and made out he was this perfect being that would rescue me from tit lads.
- Would never leave mine. I’d somehow given him a key and I’d come home sometimes to him on the PlayStation (he’d tidied up and the place was gleaming so I didn’t complain at the time)
- Would talk about having kids with me and that he could see us growing old together.
- Had a girl best friend who had the same first name as me who was with one of his friends and he’d tell me about their nights out together just the two of them and they sounded more of a couple that what we did.
- Absolutely loved attention from the other girls at work.
- His Ex was a colleague who would always text him and he’d reply as “it was rude to ignore people” yet told me that when they were together she treated him so badly, this caused me to become extremely jealous and self conscious because this girl was commercially prettier than me so when there would be work nights out I’d be at home in a state thinking he’d be spending it with her (lo and behold he was) but then it caused arguments when I’d be upset.
- One night I found loads of messages (that he screenshot and saved to his laptop by the way, I didn’t go through his phone ) talking about how they were going to meet up for sex and nudes being swapped. We had a massive argument and I was ready to finish with him.
- He went home and told his mum what happened, apparently the truth but didn’t seem that way as she told him that she would make life hard for him if we stayed together, he would have to lead a double life so the cheeky b got there first and dumped me
- He’s now engaged to a girl who looks like a Poundland version of the pretty Ex we would argue about.

Break up from Ex 2 hit me the hardest and I think it’s because I didn’t recover enough from Ex 1. Before I’d got with Ex 2 I’d play the field and rebound a bit but then all of a sudden I couldn’t shake him, he wasn’t my type at all and he was about a year younger than me so was heavily immature but he managed to make me feel that he was the happily ever after I missed out on I ended up in a large pit of depression and felt so worthless and it took me 18 months to meet and get together with Mr Sosig. During that time I had so many first dates where as soon as I would see a red flag I’d bail immediately

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Recently split with my g/f, and in some respects Tattle was to blame

A few days ago I posted on a thread called something like "where do you see yourself in 5 years time" And I replied by saying I'd like to be back home in South Africa, with a wife and kids etc. (I want kids in the next 5 years as I'm almost pushing 28)

Shortly afterwards I got talking to my girl about where she saw herself in 2025. And she said she wanted to be with me, living together but no kids (She's 24)

And then she swung the same question back at me. Which put in a fix because we had never spoken about our futures before. I guess she was hoping I would say the same as her - which would be a white lie (lack of trust, which is an issue I've had with previous exes). But I confessed to saying I wanted to leave the UK and move back home to SA.

Stunned silences and a few "Sorry? You want to do what?" until the penny finally dropped.

She got angry, which was made abundantly clear when she told me to go duck myself, and hung up on me. And despite my efforts of a reconciliation, she still hasn't replied other than sending text messages of "It's over!", "Don't call me again" and "Go duck yourself!"

That was about a week ago, so perhaps it's not quite over, but I'm not building my hopes. And even if there was some hope it still wouldn't change anything for the future. So it would be good if we could be amicable friends.

We shall see!

 

[Bek1]

Here we go!
-Paid money to track my mobile
-Took pictures of my vibrator to see if it then moved position and would then know if I had used it or not
-Bought a GPS tracker to use on my car
-Left a phone under my bed to record audio
-Set up a phone in my bathroom without me knowing to record me getting undressed and showering
- Jumped on me,held me down and poured a beer on my face after an argument becasue I didnt want to have sex with him
-Smashed one phone to pieces
-Threw another phone down the toilet

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Recently split with my g/f, and in some respects Tattle was to blame

A few days ago I posted on a thread called something like "where do you see yourself in 5 years time" And I replied by saying I'd like to be back home in South Africa, with a wife and kids etc. (I want kids in the next 5 years as I'm almost pushing 28)

Shortly afterwards I got talking to my girl about where she saw herself in 2025. And she said she wanted to be with me, living together but no kids (She's 24)

And then she swung the same question back at me. Which put in a fix because we had never spoken about our futures before. I guess she was hoping I would say the same as her - which would be a white lie (lack of trust, which is an issue I've had with previous exes). But I confessed to saying I wanted to leave the UK and move back home to SA.

Stunned silences and a few "Sorry? You want to do what?" until the penny finally dropped.

She got angry, which was made abundantly clear when she told me to go duck myself, and hung up on me. And despite my efforts of a reconciliation, she still hasn't replied other than sending text messages of "It's over!", "Don't call me again" and "Go duck yourself!"

That was about a week ago, so perhaps it's not quite over, but I'm not building my hopes. And even if there was some hope it still wouldn't change anything for the future. So it would be good if we could be amicable friends.

We shall see!

I'm sorry to hear that. She sounds a bit immature, it's always a possibility that someone from another hemisphere will envisage going home at some point

 

[tskiry56]

Here we go!
-Paid money to track my mobile
-Took pictures of my vibrator to see if it then moved position and would then know if I had used it or not
-Bought a GPS tracker to use on my car
-Left a phone under my bed to record audio
-Set up a phone in my bathroom without me knowing to record me getting undressed and showering
- Jumped on me,held me down and poured a beer on my face after an argument becasue I didnt want to have sex with him
-Smashed one phone to pieces
-Threw another phone down the toilet

I hope you reported all of this to the police!

 

[Bek1]

@tskiry56

Can you do that with no physical evidence? I always worried it would be my word against his...he would always delete everything when ever I found things out and confronted him?

Worst thing is, I have 2 children with this man

 

[tskiry56]

@tskiry56

Can you do that with no physical evidence? I always worried it would be my word against his...he would always delete everything when ever I found things out and confronted him?

Worst thing is, I have 2 children with this man

I would make the police aware of what’s happened previously so they have your word. They may well speak to him and he may admit to it. I know from my own experience I had text messages showing how he constantly harassed me- do you have any messages etc.
You need to be very careful as the manner in which he is behaving is also controlling. Do you still have contact with him because of your children?

 

[Mulholland Drive]

I'm sorry to hear that. She sounds a bit immature, it's always a possibility that someone from another hemisphere will envisage going home at some point

Well she knew I was South African, and had made some overtures in the past about the possibility of returning. My own fault really: I should have made my intentions more transparent right from the very beginning. Which is something I will do with the next woman I meet up with.

 

[Scorpihoe]

Recently split with my g/f, and in some respects Tattle was to blame

A few days ago I posted on a thread called something like "where do you see yourself in 5 years time" And I replied by saying I'd like to be back home in South Africa, with a wife and kids etc. (I want kids in the next 5 years as I'm almost pushing 28)

Shortly afterwards I got talking to my girl about where she saw herself in 2025. And she said she wanted to be with me, living together but no kids (She's 24)

And then she swung the same question back at me. Which put in a fix because we had never spoken about our futures before. I guess she was hoping I would say the same as her - which would be a white lie (lack of trust, which is an issue I've had with previous exes). But I confessed to saying I wanted to leave the UK and move back home to SA.

Stunned silences and a few "Sorry? You want to do what?" until the penny finally dropped.

She got angry, which was made abundantly clear when she told me to go duck myself, and hung up on me. And despite my efforts of a reconciliation, she still hasn't replied other than sending text messages of "It's over!", "Don't call me again" and "Go duck yourself!"

That was about a week ago, so perhaps it's not quite over, but I'm not building my hopes. And even if there was some hope it still wouldn't change anything for the future. So it would be good if we could be amicable friends.

We shall see!

That is pretty immature of her to speak to you like that...sounds like her loss. And she said that before you even mentioned the kids thing, so imagine how pissed she would have gotten about that too

Anyway, I hope you meet a lovely woman soon

 

[Mulholland Drive]

That is pretty immature of her to speak to you like that...sounds like her loss. And she said that before you even mentioned the kids thing, so imagine how pissed she would have gotten about that too

Anyway, I hope you meet a lovely woman soon

You're the second person on here to remark about her immaturity

Well I guess from her pov it came as a bit of a surprise, and she just lashed out with a bit of hurt posturing and flouncing. I'm sure we've all done it in our younger days, ha!

It was good while it lasted, and I hope we can still be friends. I just hope she doesn't do what previous exes have done and go spouting rit on social media, not least private confessions and the odd explicit photo

Which is an area people should be aware of when falling into and out of relationships. How ex partners can really be cruel by posting stuff on social media - there is a word or phrase for it, which escapes me right now. But I will make sure I will never be in a position of having compromising photos taken of me.

 

[Scorpihoe]

You're the second person on here to remark about her immaturity

Well I guess from her pov it came as a bit of a surprise, and she just lashed out with a bit of hurt posturing and flouncing. I'm sure we've all done it in our younger days, ha!

It was good while it lasted, and I hope we can still be friends. I just hope she doesn't do what previous exes have done and go spouting rit on social media, not least private confessions and the odd explicit photo

Which is an area people should be aware of when falling into and out of relationships. How ex partners can really be cruel by posting stuff on social media - there is a word or phrase for it, which escapes me right now. But I will make sure I will never be in a position of having compromising photos taken of me.

Do you mean revenge porn? If so, posting compromising and explicit pictures of you without your permission is illegal!

 

[Sosig]

You're the second person on here to remark about her immaturity

Well I guess from her pov it came as a bit of a surprise, and she just lashed out with a bit of hurt posturing and flouncing. I'm sure we've all done it in our younger days, ha!

It was good while it lasted, and I hope we can still be friends. I just hope she doesn't do what previous exes have done and go spouting rit on social media, not least private confessions and the odd explicit photo

Which is an area people should be aware of when falling into and out of relationships. How ex partners can really be cruel by posting stuff on social media - there is a word or phrase for it, which escapes me right now. But I will make sure I will never be in a position of having compromising photos taken of me.

While I agree slightly on the immaturity, she might just be a gold medalist in jumping the gun (I’ve been known to in the past ) and probably thought that you meant that she was not in your 5 year plan at all and got the wrong end of the stick and felt threatened?

Couples 5 year plans aren’t going to be symmetrical all of the time but that’s where there’s room to compromise!

Hopefully she comes round soon and agrees to talk to you so that you can explain properly. If she’s meant to be in your life, she’ll come back!

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Do you mean revenge porn? If so, posting compromising and explicit pictures of you without your permission is illegal!

Yes, that's the one!

Have been bitten by that twice in the past, and I will make sure it won't happen again in the future

While I agree slightly on the immaturity, she might just be a gold medalist in jumping the gun (I’ve been known to in the past ) and probably thought that you meant that she was not in your 5 year plan at all and got the wrong end of the stick and felt threatened?

Couples 5 year plans aren’t going to be symmetrical all of the time but that’s where there’s room to compromise!

Hopefully she comes round soon and agrees to talk to you so that you can explain properly. If she’s meant to be in your life, she’ll come back!

I hope so too! She has the cutest little birthmark on her lower back, which looks like a small bird sitting on a twig!

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Recently split with my g/f, and in some respects Tattle was to blame

A few days ago I posted on a thread called something like "where do you see yourself in 5 years time" And I replied by saying I'd like to be back home in South Africa, with a wife and kids etc. (I want kids in the next 5 years as I'm almost pushing 28)

Shortly afterwards I got talking to my girl about where she saw herself in 2025. And she said she wanted to be with me, living together but no kids (She's 24)

And then she swung the same question back at me. Which put in a fix because we had never spoken about our futures before. I guess she was hoping I would say the same as her - which would be a white lie (lack of trust, which is an issue I've had with previous exes). But I confessed to saying I wanted to leave the UK and move back home to SA.

Stunned silences and a few "Sorry? You want to do what?" until the penny finally dropped.

She got angry, which was made abundantly clear when she told me to go duck myself, and hung up on me. And despite my efforts of a reconciliation, she still hasn't replied other than sending text messages of "It's over!", "Don't call me again" and "Go duck yourself!"

That was about a week ago, so perhaps it's not quite over, but I'm not building my hopes. And even if there was some hope it still wouldn't change anything for the future. So it would be good if we could be amicable friends.

We shall see!

Better to be honest now at this stage than 4 years down the line and you're kidding yourself it could work out.

 

[Nolongerjustalurker]

- cheated on me
- isolated me from friends and family
- his mom would send abusive messages to me saying I was a bleep and deserved to be grape
- made me pay for everything
- told me I was large
- made me take drugs
I’m sad for my 20 year old self looking back at how I would put up with all that.. I’m so glad more attention is on coercive control at the moment, I had no idea that relationship was abusive until a few years ago.

 

[Lollypopper]

I'll start -
- had no inclination to ever parent, clean or cook but somehow managed to find fault with the way I did it
- bit of a sex pest (including the day after I had just given birth )
- increasing right wing views

Tell me yours! I'm nosey x

Sex pest too and also after giving birth (mine was a couple of weeks after but was still in pain). So disturbing.

He is also a narc, selfish and dishonest. I'm still dealing with him because we have kids and share custody and he has made a pass at me a couple of times even though he has a girlfriend.

 

[Ghostpumpkin]

The relationship was amazing for about a year, then he started to turn every argument round like it was my fault at the time. Always saying I was stressed, telling me to calm down, he even told me to go to the doctors and bought me Kalms to try when it was him causing the arguments. It got to the point where we would argue over something so small he would go on to a dating site and then admit it to me and would tell me he needed someone to talk to, this happened another 3/4 times and stupidly I kept believing he would stop as he always kept saying this is the last time. Eventually the arguments got worse, we went on holiday and he blew up over something can’t remember what now and left me all alone in a bar in a foreign country, told me he was booking a flight home on his own and to make my own way back, (at 22 years old) so not an experienced traveller. When I eventually ended it he bombarded me with texts saying no man would want me and he went and had sex with his previous ex and told me it was the best ever, and he got with another girl, regularly sending abusive texts to me or would find pointless ways to contact me. Looking back it was so toxic and he was definitely gaslighting me for a long time. I never knew if he actually met up with anyone on the dating sites but I wouldn’t put it past him, my friend is on a site now and has told me he is still on there all the time, we split up about 18 months ago, I think he has an addiction to dating sites.