Toxic friends

[Rodneytrotter]

I think sometimes its just a case of being cruel to be kind. Maybe next time she tries to listen in your convos, especially with your children just pull her to one side and just say.. back off. Obviously don't do it in a way that will hurt her but maybe just say, this is getting too much and it might kick her in to gear a little bit. I think most of us have been in situations like this, I can definitely relate, the friend I had was so jealous of my boyfriend when we first got together that she went around telling people that I know he beats me up. Then when I blocked her she constantly made new accounts on everything!

I know its hard because you don't want to upset someone but there needs to be boundaries! I hope you manage to get it sorted soon! Please don't blame yourself either! x

Thanks, ive decided when I see her ill say hi and then 'its nice to see you, I'm just going to stand over there with my kids now'. If she ignores that I'll definitely be telling her to back off x

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I think once you've done it you'll feel so relieved. And you can come back here for support.

 

[emm]

I had an experience with a toxic friend a few years ago, it wasn't until I went to therapy and began to talk through things that I realised it. She was a serial monogamist but was basically addicted to male attention. She would purposely flirt with people she knew I liked/was seeing (to the extent they would often point it out to me as they found it weird) . I realised how unhealthy the relationship was when I slept with someone I knew she liked just as a vindictive move. This wasn't the end of the friendship, it did go on for a few more years and ended for other reasons, but looking back it was quite toxic. As other people have said she always seems to be changing friends and has (as far as I can see) no friends that she has known for more than a few years

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Thank you. I just worry about doing/saying the right thing regardless of how I've been treated I wish I could be more ballsy. I'm going to wait until my partner comes back from work to send it, mainly because she'll go on the defensive if I block her and will contact him and I don't want him bombarded with messages while he's had a stressful day

I would keep it short and to the point and once you've sent it dont get drawn into any conversation. Ask your partner to not get into conversation also.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I had developed new friendship that was fine but has quickly got out of hand.

She is a mum at the school and we swapped numbers during the lockdown and would send messages about homeschooling etc which was nice. But then once the kids went back she started to piss me off.

She waits for me to get there and rushes straight over to see me, If I try to talk to someone else she comes right next to me, stares at me and listens and as soon as there is a break in the conversation she jumps straight in to talk to me , if I talk to my children she'll start talking to me whilst I'm talking to them or she'll just stare and listen in. She stares and watches everything I do (I tried walking around the playground with my son yesterday to get away from her and she stared at me the whole time).

I know it's petty but its doing my head in. I've started trying to time it so I get to school just as the doors open meaning I dont have to wait around, its like unwanted attention and she thinks she owns me or something. This has been going on for a long time.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me so I obviously create situations like this - what do I do

 

[Base2019]

Before they did it, they said it was to create more memory on their phones. It was just a lie and an excuse to get rid of me. It is friend 1 who is the instigator in all of this and has split the whole friendship up, including my husband and his best friend. She is coming out of it smelling of roses. My manager at work has seen me in tears and suggested that perhaps I know too much about her, for example I know she’s lying about her “new job” but friend 2 thinks she’s got this different life and she can play up to it now. So it’s like a new life she can lie about. Which makes some sense really but it doesn’t make it easier. She also said there’s some jealousy. I got a new coat, so did she. I got some boots which she specifically said she disliked but she copied me. I tagged myself somewhere on Instagram and two days later she tagged friend 2 and said let’s go here on our family day together (another dig at me). It’s making me depressed. I wish I never met her. But knowing she might be jealous or whatever, it doesn’t make it any easier. Everyone thinks she’s perfect and it’s me who’s the one left with no friends.

Sorry - I sound so miserable! I just feel like I’ve regressed to being a teenager again. I feel bullied.

I’m so sorry they are being so horrible to you. Covid is such a hard time anyway but when people behave that way it would certainly make it more difficult. If it was me I would block them out for the sake of my own mental health. I wouldn’t put anything on social media at all, you don’t want to give friend 1 any ammo because is clearly on one it will drive her mad when she can’t snoop at what you’re doing and pick holes in it lol take a social media break and focus on doing some nice things for yourself. I know it’s easy for me to say, but they really don’t deserve your friendship. Friend 1 sounds extremely passive aggressive and jealous. If you cut her out, she won’t be long redirecting these feelings towards someone else xxxx

 

[whisperchat]

Yeah I do, but she comes along and interrupts. I will do that more though I think. Also sometimes I just want to be left alone and talk to my children. Her conversations are really boring too, I know thats mean but they are.

I think sometimes its just a case of being cruel to be kind. Maybe next time she tries to listen in your convos, especially with your children just pull her to one side and just say.. back off. Obviously don't do it in a way that will hurt her but maybe just say, this is getting too much and it might kick her in to gear a little bit. I think most of us have been in situations like this, I can definitely relate, the friend I had was so jealous of my boyfriend when we first got together that she went around telling people that I know he beats me up. Then when I blocked her she constantly made new accounts on everything!

I know its hard because you don't want to upset someone but there needs to be boundaries! I hope you manage to get it sorted soon! Please don't blame yourself either! x

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Before they did it, they said it was to create more memory on their phones. It was just a lie and an excuse to get rid of me. It is friend 1 who is the instigator in all of this and has split the whole friendship up, including my husband and his best friend. She is coming out of it smelling of roses. My manager at work has seen me in tears and suggested that perhaps I know too much about her, for example I know she’s lying about her “new job” but friend 2 thinks she’s got this different life and she can play up to it now. So it’s like a new life she can lie about. Which makes some sense really but it doesn’t make it easier. She also said there’s some jealousy. I got a new coat, so did she. I got some boots which she specifically said she disliked but she copied me. I tagged myself somewhere on Instagram and two days later she tagged friend 2 and said let’s go here on our family day together (another dig at me). It’s making me depressed. I wish I never met her. But knowing she might be jealous or whatever, it doesn’t make it any easier. Everyone thinks she’s perfect and it’s me who’s the one left with no friends.

Sorry - I sound so miserable! I just feel like I’ve regressed to being a teenager again. I feel bullied.

Don't be sorry, there's no need for it, if she had a problem with you she should have faced that. My advice would be to log out of social media for a while and focus on the good people, it will do you the world of good.

 

[Creep]

Just to add on to my previous post. My 'friend' did some really awful things to me, and now ive cut him off i realise just how fucking cruel he was. I personally think he was a narcissist and that would make sense given my own mental health issues and how we sometimes go to those type of people (Narcissist). He exploited me in every way possible- financial, sexually, he even got me taking class A drugs. And yet i was made to feel like the bad person and i was crazy.... which i am but im not a fucking idiot., and im able to analyse things and see things in a really deep way- thanks to my mental health plus the years and years of being at uni.

The cunt even made me believe that i was stupid and i was only accepted to study at uni because im 'ill' and they needed to allow disabled people on the course. So even though i did my BA degree and got a first, and then my MA degree and got a merit i believed it was purely because they had to because im 'poorly'.

I could write a bloody essay on the cruel things he did to me.

But anyway, sorry im ranting on. I dont want to bore you by talking about me. But honestly if i can cut someone out of my life then you certainly can.

Oh wow. I'm so so glad that you're away from him. You've done the right thing! Oddly enough, your story resonates with me a lot but with an old friend with benefits. I have BPD and social anxiety, he used me for money,sex and abused me. He got me into drugs as well when I hadn't touched more than weed at that point. He would openly say he was a sociopath. I didn't think he was serious because I'm also a bit gullible. He hated me going on dates with other people and would do anything to sabotage it. Some of the stuff he did is far too triggering to put on a forum. Yet when I called him out for doing the same thing, it was my bpd making me paranoid I'm also disabled as well and this guy belittled me and my uni degree constantly, saying similar things to make it look "good for the uni to be diverse."

I really hope you're doing well now

I had an experience with a toxic friend a few years ago, it wasn't until I went to therapy and began to talk through things that I realised it. She was a serial monogamist but was basically addicted to male attention. She would purposely flirt with people she knew I liked/was seeing (to the extent they would often point it out to me as they found it weird) . I realised how unhealthy the relationship was when I slept with someone I knew she liked just as a vindictive move. This wasn't the end of the friendship, it did go on for a few more years and ended for other reasons, but looking back it was quite toxic. As other people have said she always seems to be changing friends and has (as far as I can see) no friends that she has known for more than a few years

Oh wow. For other people to mention what she was doing as well! I really don't get people sometimes, I'm glad you're away from ber now x

 

[Stickitothemaniosis]

Both my best friends have binned me off since getting new girlfriends and it has absolutely crippled me, if I’m honest. Especially as when I got with my boyfriend, I always made sure I didn’t exclude either of them (neither of them speak, so it was even more hassle than the three of us hanging out at the same time etc). Feels like an absolute punch in the gut.

I'm so sorry to hear this! It's the sort of thing you get when you're younger (I've made that mistake of boyfriend instead of friends but I was 16 lol), but when you get older you realise that you can't do that to your friends. Do you feel like you could talk to them about it? Perhaps a non-confrontational approach like "i miss you" and take it from there? I hope you're okay

 

[1001 others]

I have a friend who asks 101 questions about my life and what I'm doing, but rarely shares anything about her own life (I am very careful about what I divulge as I like to keep things private). If we're catching up in person or via phone, I'll stop her and say, "Wait - I'm waiting for you to tell me about ____" to which she'll just divert the subject. I feel as though she only uses me for ideas.

We've grown so far apart over the past few years that I can only think of one thing we have in common. I find many of her ideologies at odds with mine, and exhausting when she climbs atop her soapbox and gets ranting about things. I dislike conflict so don't speak up, but I have noticed that when people do argue her points, or express their own opinions, she gets a bit nasty.

I've taken to extending the amount of time I take to reply to her emails which hasn't gone down very well at all ...

 

[Rodneytrotter]

These girls now have requested to follow me on Instagram again. I messaged with a ? and had a reply to say they were talking about me and wanted to see if I was ok. What a set of mind game bitches.

You'd be better off ignoring them now xx

 

[Happyvalley]

I was going to start my own thread for this but figured this existed and it can go here, but it is quite lengthy.

Some users will have seen me post previously about a friendship circle I was having issues with. This was a few weeks ago and I’m really, really struggling to come to terms with it.

There were three of us. I introduced the other two to each other and they weren’t friends before I introduced them, so I was always the one who organised things etc. I introduced them as I was getting married and they were both my bridesmaids so I wanted them to be friends. All was well until about six months ago really. Friend 1 (who I have known the longest) just suddenly stopped liking anything I put on social media. We got married abroad (they ultimately weren’t part of the wedding due to covid) and she didn’t even like all my wedding photos. My hen do was cancelled and they didn’t make any effort for the “pretend” hen do that I had. It was crap. No photos were put online but a week later friend 1 went for drinks with other friends she barely knows and it was plastered all over social media. It made me feel shitty, like I’m not worthy or something. Maybe it’s me being paranoid, I don’t know. We had a group chat and when my husband and I went on honeymoon, it was around then that anything I said in this group chat, it just got ignored. But they would both speak amongst themselves but ignore me.

Constant little digs - I used to let my baby fall asleep on me and put him down in his cot. Friend 2 would drive her baby in the car every single night then transfer to bed. To me, that’s the strangest of the two methods. But friend 1 would question me in the group chat as to why I did it that way, but act like driving a baby to sleep was completely normal. I bought my wedding ring and sent a photo and got told it wasn’t nice and she preferred plain ones. Because hers is plain. I booked an outdoor meal in an igloo type tent for my babies first birthday and got told it was rubbish. I had my covid vaccine and got told she wouldn’t have it even if she was offered it.

Friend 1 hates her job. I love mine. She began a volunteer role but told friend 2 it was a paid role. She had already told me it was voluntary. Friend 2 suggested she quit her job now as she had another but she let her believe she had two jobs and two wages. I could have said something, but I didn’t.

I arranged to meet friend 1 one day and she stood me up. I had printed some interview papers for her especially. I rang her and she didn’t answer so I went back home. She told me it was too cold and she couldn’t wait any longer for me. I had arrived on time. A few days later she asked if she could collect the papers from me and I said I had binned them. “I would never do that to a friend” was her reply and she made a big deal in the group chat of friend 2 husband dropping them off for her instead. Whenever I asked to meet up with friend 1 she was always “so, so busy” or seeing other friends. She always made a point of how she was seeing so and so this week and how she had so many friends.

It was my birthday and we always, always buy cards and presents. This year I got nothing. Absolutely nothing. Two weeks later it was friend 1 birthday and she got a card and a present off friend 2. That really, really hurt me.

I asked friend 2 to meet up and she said we can’t because of covid. Yet a week later she met friend 1. They asked if we would all like to meet a week later and I said yes. Nothing got mentioned and I assumed it wasn’t happening. But low and behold that day, they had met and plastered it on social media. I had had enough so I asked why they had met and they said they didn’t think I was going. We haven’t spoke since.

I’m really struggling. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I’ve been pushed aside and forgotten about. Since then, they tag each other in everything on Instagram. I know it’s for my benefit and to make me feel like shit but it’s working. I don’t want to be friends with people like this but it’s really damaged me. Friend 2 I met because our husbands were best friends since kids. Her husband hasn’t been in touch with mine for weeks now either. I have gone to bed for the past month and just cried. It’s effecting my relationship and I feel like I’ve been thrown back to high school as something very similar happened to me back then too. I never thought it would happen again in my 30’s. Friend 2 owns a business and I noticed she is now friends on Facebook with my hairdresser and commenting on her things. I honestly now want to cancel my appointment with my hairdresser. My husband says I’m being daft, but they’ve effected me in a way I didn’t think was possible to damage me so much. I don’t understand why somebody would want to hurt me so much and I don’t know what lies she is telling people as to why we don’t speak no more.

I have a couple of other friends but not loads. These were my “best” friends and I feel so hurt and destroyed.

Sorry it’s long and thanks if you’ve read it all. There’s probably loads more to add but I’d be here all night.

I feel so sorry for you, you have been treated terribly by them and I can tell how hurt you are. I think at this point you have nothing to lose by asking them both outright what it is you have done to them for them to cut you out in this way because you can’t understand what’s happened. It will either give them the opportunity to air their grievances and maybe you can get to the bottom of it or it might just confirm your fears that they are cutting you out.

They are basically bullying you and it’s very hurtful. I know it’s very easy to say when you have so much history and you said not many other friends but it truthfully sounds like you’re better off without them. That will take you a long time to deal with and come to terms with. But you will. Ask yourself do these people make you feel good about yourself? Do they act like they care and respect you? Do they deserve your friendship? Would they be there at the drop of a hat if you needed them, no questions asked? I think if the answer is no and they make you feel so terrible then they are not friends and it’s not worth fighting for.

The only consolation is honestly I’ve seen this type of behavior before. There will be a point when they turn on each other. It will happen. It may take time but karma will happen. You know how capable they are of treating people like this, trust me they’ll do it to each other at some point. Stay strong, it will get easier and there will be a point when it doesn’t hurt as much.

 

[Norfolking Good]

You’re welcome, it is like a bereavement when you lose a friend but when it starts to make you feel bad or question your own feelings then it’s not a friendship anymore.
Happens to us all sadly but it makes us stronger and hopefully you’ll not have to deal with it again!

 

[Lico]

I've just blocked a friend from social media and phone and texts. I feel great! No regrets.

 

[maytoseptember]

Whoa, that is so controlling. Imagine if a partner had a go at you for interacting with a friend on SM but not messaging him back. Red flags would be waving right?

 

[Clairer86]

Oh wow. I'm so so glad that you're away from him. You've done the right thing! Oddly enough, your story resonates with me a lot but with an old friend with benefits. I have BPD and social anxiety, he used me for money,sex and abused me. He got me into drugs as well when I hadn't touched more than weed at that point. He would openly say he was a sociopath. I didn't think he was serious because I'm also a bit gullible. He hated me going on dates with other people and would do anything to sabotage it. Some of the stuff he did is far too triggering to put on a forum. Yet when I called him out for doing the same thing, it was my bpd making me paranoid I'm also disabled as well and this guy belittled me and my uni degree constantly, saying similar things to make it look "good for the uni to be diverse."

I really hope you're doing well now


Oh wow. For other people to mention what she was doing as well! I really don't get people sometimes, I'm glad you're away from ber now x

How are you feeling today? Im sorry you have also been through something similar, and it does sound like we share a lot of stuff. So im glad (well not glad but i hope you know what i mean) that you will understand what i mean about my 'friend' being my "favourite person" and how invested us Borderline Superheros can get with our favourite person! So for me to completely cut him out of my life was massive! Never in a million years did i think i would be able to do it, but honestly i didnt even miss him! I certainly didnt yearn for him. It literally felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and it felt so good!
Im doing much better now, im currently going through a depressive episode so thats been awful but things seem to be looking up. I even did some exercise this week, and i didnt got straight back to bed as soon as i dropped my kids off at school. Thank you for asking after me when you have got all this shit going on. You are a lovely person. And if you ever want to chat about anything then you can always pm me. Sometimes its frustraiting being a borderline- everyone thinks we are manipulative and nasty, when in actual fact we are the most loving, loyal, and caring people out there.
I hope you have plucked up the courage to tell your 'friend' and remember you have nothing to feel bad for. She is toxic and you dont need her in your life xxx

 

[LaBlonde]

I have this friend that will only talk to me if she wants to talk about herself. Example, she'll message me saying 'hi, how are you?' she doesn't really care how I am, she just waits for me to respond with 'I'm good how are you?' so then she can just send me an essay about how her life has been that week, what she's done, what she's eaten, where she's been with her boyfriend etc.. it absolutely drives me insane. It's got to the point now where I don't respond to her at all, its a shame because I've known her since we were at school together and we were really good friends but I'm just so fed up with how she treats me. She constantly lies about stuff too. I don't know what to do going forward, I want her in my life but I also don't at the same time.

i have a friend exactly like this. we were best friends in school but i’ve got a solid friend circle now into my 30s whereas she seems to recycle her friend group on the regular.

all conversations loop back to her somehow. it became really apparent to me over lockdown when my job didn’t allow me to work from home but hers did - every text would start with “are you at home or in the office?” and i’d have to say “in the office. like i said before”

i take her for what she is at this point as we don’t see each other much but she has huge difficulty in retaining any information that isn’t directly about her

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

It’s really not normal for her to be so controlling over you and make you feel this way OP. You tagged your mum in something. Your Mum for goodness sake! How ridiculous. I’d end up telling her to grow up and just leave me alone, that you can’t breathe, you’ve tried to be nice about it but it’s draining you and you can’t do it anymore because nothing changes. You need to put yourself first. Block her and get on with your life. I have my ex best friend blocked and there are times I miss her but then I remind myself how there were so many bad times too and it was always her way or no way. This will only continue if you allow it too. Put yourself first here. Xx

 

[Raininvain]

Hi everyone,
Sorry that I haven't read through the thread as yet but needed some advice and a bit of a rant.
So I have a friend, she's like a sister to me, we've had a on off friendship for years now, but the last three years we've been water tight.
I helped get through a really toxic relationship and it took about 12 months to get her semi back on her feet.
So the last few weeks she completely dropped off the radar apart taking advantage of my softer side.
This is because she's let this guy back into her life.
She's asking big favours of me then doesn't make contact again. I've also caught her out on many lies.
I feel sad that as soon as she's segregated herself and binned off all her friends this guy will return to his old ways.
The fact that she's using me, lying and basically being an arse I've decided to step away. I feel really sad about this as I love her to bits. But also feel like I'm not going through another 12 months of piecing her back together.
This bloke also hates her son, he's told her this, yet she's still allowing him in their home.
He's tapped in the head and I wouldn't trust him around any children. He has episodes where he gets confrontational and starts threatening to cut his wrists etc.
She's very good at cutting out her friends for men, which is a shame. I feel she'll end up very sad and lonely.
Just needed to vent

Perhaps step away for good then and leave her to it. Don't let yourself be used, you're better off with other friends or with family. Her drama with this man isn't your problem.