Toxic friends

[Black.bird]

I’ve cut a lot of toxic friends off this year. I had a hard time with my relationship and they thrived off ‘the drama’ and almost seemed to bask in seeing me upset. I regret telling them anything as it only made things worse for me.

The saying if you want anything to last keep it private rings true with me. It’s often those closest to you who want to see you fail.

This is so, so true!

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Can you immediately go up to other mums and strike up a conversation with them? That's so rude she listened in on your conversation with the teacher!

Yeah I do, but she comes along and interrupts. I will do that more though I think. Also sometimes I just want to be left alone and talk to my children. Her conversations are really boring too, I know thats mean but they are.

 

[Berty]

Hi everyone,
Sorry that I haven't read through the thread as yet but needed some advice and a bit of a rant.
So I have a friend, she's like a sister to me, we've had a on off friendship for years now, but the last three years we've been water tight.
I helped get through a really toxic relationship and it took about 12 months to get her semi back on her feet.
So the last few weeks she completely dropped off the radar apart taking advantage of my softer side.
This is because she's let this guy back into her life.
She's asking big favours of me then doesn't make contact again. I've also caught her out on many lies.
I feel sad that as soon as she's segregated herself and binned off all her friends this guy will return to his old ways.
The fact that she's using me, lying and basically being an arse I've decided to step away. I feel really sad about this as I love her to bits. But also feel like I'm not going through another 12 months of piecing her back together.
This bloke also hates her son, he's told her this, yet she's still allowing him in their home.
He's tapped in the head and I wouldn't trust him around any children. He has episodes where he gets confrontational and starts threatening to cut his wrists etc.
She's very good at cutting out her friends for men, which is a shame. I feel she'll end up very sad and lonely.
Just needed to vent

 

[Creep]

I would definitely cut contact and be quite firm with how you word it to her... she doesn’t seem like she will take it well going by the above lol

It’s definitely not a good sign when she is having such a negative impact on your life during a pandemic when you can’t even see her you will feel better when you tell her

I don't think so either. She probably will fly off the handle with me again or begin to pester my fiancé yet again.

I think so too. I don't really like the idea of doing it through text as you wouldn't break up with someone like that, but it'll give me time to think about what to say. I've got deadlines, work and other things to be worrying about rather than whether or not I should like a post lol

I'm wondering if I should mention the mother's day tag message she sent to me to her when I do send her a message. Just because I think it's a bit much to get upset over it. She'll fly off the handle with me over it though.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her.

 

[Definitely Maybe]

Good luck @Creep , sending positive vibes

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Does anyone else feel like even though deep down they know their friend/s is/are toxic but you still keep giving them chances anyway on the off chance they might just be ok? Maybe I’m just a pushover but even though I know some people are toxic I struggle with cutting them off because I hate the thought of them thinking badly of me for doing so

Why would they think badly of you for cutting them off? Wouldn't they rather be prompted to reflect on what they did to make you cut them off?

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

i’m inclined to agree. you can’t expect someone to blank a person because you don’t talk to them: plus this seems a relatively short friendship if it’s only been since april. it sounds op like you’re already a little annoyed by her and the support you’ve offered to her when she’s been going through hard times - it’s a friendship of five months, if you’re already thinking that you’re done with her then walk away.

i posted at the start of the year here about my toxic friend (i’d forgotten but just saw the post!) - and we haven’t spoken for the whole of 2022 so far she has main character syndrome in the extreme and cannot retain details about anyone who isn’t her. i lost two grandparents in 2021 and she straight up forgot that my grandmother had died. this is a friend of over 20 years. she likes people who agree with her and will sit and nod while she talks about herself, i gave some blunt advice about her relationship and (as she left my house) knew that she wouldn’t talk to me after it because that’s what she’s done with a stream of other friends. and… she hasn’t

i’m truly not bothered as our friendship had changed deeply over the past few years and i think we were both going through the motions of what it was when we were younger. she’s a perfectionist in that she expects everyone around her to behave perfectly towards her because she’ll cut them off for one misdemeanour or careless comment and i don’t need that stress. i have lots of other lovely friends. i do think she’s going to end up rather sad and lonely though.

Hello

I am having a lazy day and am wasting time on the internet...

But I relate to what you say about your friend.

I had a similar situation with a friend of mine end of 2021 and I also forgot about her, just recently thought of her and noticed how we haven't spoken in months and months.

Sometimes it is best to let things go and not chase people, especially if they seem to have a lot of issues with themselves.

 

[panda_eyes]

Oh no thats awful, my situation is not quite as bad as yours, yes the thing is she does know other mums, I just seem to be her favourite. In fact she sometimes talks to other mums whilst also keeping an eye on me. I needed to tell my daughter's teacher something the other morning and she stood and watched and listened. Unfortunately I have another 4 years lol.

Can you immediately go up to other mums and strike up a conversation with them? That's so rude she listened in on your conversation with the teacher!

 

[Creep]

@Creep Have a look on youtube at a video The Speakmans posted about a week ago ' 8 warning signs of a toxic person' It's only 2 minutes long and I think might help you. Must be hard for you to come to terms with cutting her off, but I think you've done the right thing.

I've just watched it and thank you for suggesting it. It really does ring true as definitely makes me feel certain with my decision. I just don't know how to do it now. Thanks for the reply also!

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

How did you get on Op, has she been bothering you or has it all been ok. Hope you’re ok x

 

[Creep]

Just tell her that you dont wish to be friends with her anymore, that you wish her well etc and then block her off everything. Job done.

I'm perhaps trying to "let her down gently" but it doesn't seem to be working. I think I'm going to have to take a more direct approach now because who on earth gets stressed about a mothers day post!

@Creep you could block her on fb, without unfriending her. Just a thought.

I've restricted a few things on my fb and turned off active status which doesn't seem to be working either as she keeps messaging me. It's getting ridiculous now, I never hid this much when I left my abusive ex boyfriend

 

[Base2019]

I would definitely cut contact and be quite firm with how you word it to her... she doesn’t seem like she will take it well going by the above lol

It’s definitely not a good sign when she is having such a negative impact on your life during a pandemic when you can’t even see her you will feel better when you tell her

 

[whisperchat]

@Rodneytrotter how's things? Is there any update? x

 

[moosesauna]

Does anyone have any experience with a friend like this? I'm beginning to think that my friend is quite toxic and I'm not sure what to do I'll write my story below

I've been friends with this person for about 2 years now, I think I made a thread here a while ago about it. But to sum it up, she is quite intense with messages and I just shrugged it off as wanting a friend.

These last 6 months have been rough. I found out that she made up a huge lie and stuck her oar in which almost destroyed my relationship. I caught her out yet she apologised but threw my partner under the bus at the same time. I never usually confront people but I did with her. I asked if she didn't mention the subject anymore because it's a sensitive subject anyway but she ignored that. Anyway, I gave her a second chance but requested time as what she did hurt me plus there were quite a few things happening in my life at the time and what she did was the final nail so to speak. She didn't give me the time despite asking in several ways, hounded me several times a day and even messaged my partner loads about it. I will admit, it made me dig my heels in a bit because I just felt like she wasn't respecting my decision.

She's always been quite a self centred person I guess. Again, shrugged it off because I was the person she spoke to about everything. I was ready to speak to her again, I put something like "Hey. Sorry I've not been around, there has been a lot going on" and straight away it was "I've got so much to tell you" and she went straight into talking about herself. Didn't even ask me once how I was, she never does. It took her a matter of hours, to mention the subject I asked her not to. It's something she did a lot of despite me asking her not to, it feels like she was almost goading me to react.

Everything feels like a competition with her and it always has done. I excused it at first because I know that people use their experiences to relate, as I do that too. But it's a case of if I've been to Tenerife, she's been to Elevenerife if that makes sense? It made me not want to say anything about myself, because saying something like "I've got a cold" I'll be told that she has "the worst flu ever" sort of thing. It's quite draining and I felt like I was constantly supporting her (which I happily do) but didn't get it back. I don't expect anything back at all but surely it goes two ways? She flies off the handle with me if I criticise her and turns it back on me and makes me feel guilty. I will be honest and say that I don't always handle things the best, so perhaps I didn't word it very well or something.

I've made the decision to cut her off. I've never cut a friend off before, friendships in the past would gradually fizzle out. I struggle with confrontation and social anxiety so this isn't easy for me and I'm constantly second guessing what I'm doing. So I'm not sure what to do. With the way she is, I don't think no contact would work. But straight up telling her would cause more issues too. I'm limiting contact at the moment while I figure out what to do but I don't even know if that is right anymore. I just feel suffocated really.

I don't know if the word "toxic" is too strong for her, I always just thought that she was lonely really.

Does anyone else have experience with a friend who is similar?

Yes!! I had a flatmate & friend who was exactly like this - right down to the over-competitiveness about everything (mostly food-related, which was pretty difficult for the both of us). It's great that you've made the decision to cut her off, and I hope that you find someone else who's more mature and kind!

I ageee, I'm rising above it and just carrying on. I think she did that knowing it would get back to me, maybe in hopes of me saying something, I don't know. But no, apart from that one person we don't have any mutual friends so much easier that way.

She used to contact my partner regularly while we were friends. She did it a lot back when we first got talking and I genuinely thought she fancied him lol. She'd then message me things like "I've just had a good chat with *partners name*" when she hadn't lol it was a brief conversation they had in passing. Any chance she had, she mentioned him. But then she started messaging him when I didn't reply for like an hour because you know, life. Stating how concerned she was because I hadn't replied when in reality I was at work. It was all too much!

Yikes, I'm really sorry that happened to you - it's horrible of her to make out like something's going on in order to make you worry!! Best to block and go cold turkey on all communication with her, unless you've done so already :/

 

[Creep]

I would keep it short and to the point and once you've sent it dont get drawn into any conversation. Ask your partner to not get into conversation also.

Definitely - my partner didn't ever get into conversation with her as he found her too needy I'm wondering whether or not I should even bother mentioning the Mother's day tag bit at all, or if I should just use the "it's not you, it's me" approach for an easier life lol

I'm not worried about sending the message. Just the aftermath of it all really

 

[Creep]

Whoa, that is so controlling. Imagine if a partner had a go at you for interacting with a friend on SM but not messaging him back. Red flags would be waving right?

I agree. This is what my abusive ex was like amongst the other stuff. Constantly watching what I do online, pulling me up on it etc. He made a fb and Instagram just to see who I had on there etc. Took me a while to get away from him, but I did it.

I do see similarities to this situation. I just need to find the strength to get her out of my life. I would never be upset with someone if they simply liked a post or something, but not reply to me. Those things aren't the same to me. It's a few seconds to tag, like a post etc but replying comes with more energy.