Toxic friends

[Emiliabrazkow]

Oh, absolutely. She's always telling me stuff about people I don't know, so I'm sure she's gossiping about me to others. I'm really not interested in what others are doing - and I doubt they're interested in my (very boring) life - so it's a bit strange. Maybe she feels important, knowing all the news.

My mom always said: if they are talking about someone else to you, they are talking about you to someone else. For you maybe your life is "boring" but for them it might be interesting or (no ofense or hate towards you) they are trying to found something from you so they could take advantatge of it,used it agnist you or make a lie from something and bully you for it people like that are very conusing

 

[WilmaHun]

Does anyone else feel like even though deep down they know their friend/s is/are toxic but you still keep giving them chances anyway on the off chance they might just be ok? Maybe I’m just a pushover but even though I know some people are toxic I struggle with cutting them off because I hate the thought of them thinking badly of me for doing so

 

[LadyGarden]

I've skipped the entire thread so sorry if what I'm saying has already been said.

Your OP resonated so very strongly with me; I've been going through pretty much the same scenario except that this person has been my friend for over 30 years.

My dad died last year in pretty traumatic circumstances. Due to COVID restrictions I had to deal with everything myself (funeral, probate, selling the family home, the impact on my children etc. etc. etc.). My toxic friend thought it was appropriate to phone me repeatedly (always drunk and hysterical) to tell me about something going on in her life. I explained time and time again that I wasn't able to deal with her situation as well as deal with my own trauma but she simply ignored my requests and ramped it up. She was 100% 'me me me' and didn't care about what I was going through. In the end I had to cut her off for my own mental health because she was totally disrespecting our friendship.

I got back in touch with her after a while but the cycle of self-interest is kicking off again with her. She's very manipulative and can even turn one of her apologies into some form of of emotional blackmail ("I'm so sorry for what I did BUT I only did it because life is so VERY tough for me me me"

It's exhausting, I dread her phone calls because she's usually drunk and full of self pity. Friendships are supposed to be a two-way thing but for many years it's been a one way street with her and that doesn't make me feel valued in any way.

Yes, these people are toxic, emotional vampires.

(now off to read the rest of the thread)

 

[Raininvain]

Just tell her that you dont wish to be friends with her anymore, that you wish her well etc and then block her off everything. Job done.

 

[Inforapenny]

I'm 37 and In my life time I've have experience of 2 very toxic friends. I am the type of person to never rock the boat or fall out with ppl. I will always try to keep the peace.
What struck me was your description ...self centred.

Friend no 1 (I was about 26) became friends but soon realised she was only friends with single girls and would dump you if you had a boyfriend, she was incredibly selfish and intimidating. She was drunk, I refused to be her wingman because my friend had turned up and I wanted to say hello to him. Ex friend then threatened me that if I did that she'd tell his girlfriend that I was trying to come on to him it was very hurtful and seeing as he was an old friend and my ex friend didn't even know his girlfriend it was laughable
She then tried to argue with me (I was sober) and got in her car and drunk drove home. No one ever heard from her again.

Friend no 2 ...all through uni and into my 30s she was my best friend. I defended her a lot because many ppl called her spoilt and a princess. I thought she was misunderstood. But, looking back she was very rude to ppl.
She saw a post on Facebook from a friend's boyfriend who apparently said something racist. I fully supported my friend and listened to her, was totally there for her. However ...and I'll never ever know what triggered it but days later she
She sent me a vile essay type email saying I was racist, that she was a strong woman who would raise Muslim boys, that I was scum. It was shocking.
For context I work in international business and work closely with the governments of Pakistan, India and the middle East. I was also a religious studies teacher for 10 years teaching about culture, religions, prejudice and discrimination....whilst she hadn't done anything like that....so at least accuse me of something plausible.
The letter was vile, picked me apart in every way. The content didn't ask for my opinion or ask me questions or explain why she had sent me the letter so I never responded.
About 2 years after the incident I was at a wedding with lots of mutual friends.
I then found out that said ex friend had emailed all of them, individually to say I was a racist, nasty person. Some ppl who got the email didn't even know me very well!
Not one person believed ex friend but it was hurtful and I was really upset.

Since the moment she had sent that initial nasty email I knew she must be very very unhappy in her own life. I did find out her engagement was broken off a few months after.

My advice ....do not give this person an inch, they are not your friend. If you try and reason or explain she will use this against her.
In my opinion just don't respond.
Draw a line in the sand and say from this moment on you won't be engaging ....do not tell her, do not confront her.
If she continues to message you say you unfortunately will be ending the friendship and block her.

 

[GirlLondon]

So I have an update. I've been told via a mutual friend (ish, I only know this person in passing tbf) that my toxic ex friend has spun the narrative of the lie she created, the one that almost ruined my relationship and made herself the victim. For starters, I'm angry that she's sharing such information with another person when I told her in confidence. But now I've been painted as the bad guy when it was her who caused all of this.

I'm trying to rise above it and be the bigger person. It has made me feel confident in my decision to cut her off but jesus christ I'm so angry.

Best thing to do is to keep calm and carry on. EASIER SAID than done, I know. She is either trying to get a reaction from you so that you contact her and isn't handling the rejection from you well, or she feels guilt and trying to convince herself and others that she was victim.
If you don't have any mutual friends, then you really needn't worry. If you do then your real friends will know the truth without you having to explain. And it was also a bit weird that she was contacting your partner?? I hope you both blocked her.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Oh wow. I'm so so glad that you're away from him. You've done the right thing! Oddly enough, your story resonates with me a lot but with an old friend with benefits. I have BPD and social anxiety, he used me for money,sex and abused me. He got me into drugs as well when I hadn't touched more than weed at that point. He would openly say he was a sociopath. I didn't think he was serious because I'm also a bit gullible. He hated me going on dates with other people and would do anything to sabotage it. Some of the stuff he did is far too triggering to put on a forum. Yet when I called him out for doing the same thing, it was my bpd making me paranoid I'm also disabled as well and this guy belittled me and my uni degree constantly, saying similar things to make it look "good for the uni to be diverse."

I really hope you're doing well now


Oh wow. For other people to mention what she was doing as well! I really don't get people sometimes, I'm glad you're away from ber now x

Your old friend with benefits sounds a lot like my ex, well I call him an ex but we only knew each other a year and saw one another on and off. I’d say we were a couple for about all of a month. I’ve mentioned him on here quite a few times.
He was always belittling me, always making out I was the problem.. he would constantly moan about everything from his friends to his work but if I ever had a crap day and wanted to talk about something he wouldn’t wanna know. He would block, unblock me on Facebook, WhatsApp etc... he deleted me off Facebook once because he saw I’d liked something but hadn’t responded to his text. He only ever wanted to see one another on his terms, if we did meet up it would be probably once every 4-6 weeks and even then he would make out it was a burden. It would always be me going down to him and only ever be for a few hours as he was just so set in his ways and his routine. I really liked him but the pub, football trips and everything else was his main priority and god forbid I have a problem with that. We just clashed constant and I was his punchbag. He then told me one day he was single, and he could do whatever he wanted so I made a decision to accept that, I stopped chasing him, I stopped running after him, I stopped being his emotional punchbag and I walked away. I took time out to sort my head out, eventually got myself into a good place again, moved on and met someone. Ofcourse my ex decides then he wants to make a go of it!

That wasn’t the end of it though. He’s a narcissist, so naturally just makes fake emails/social media etc to watch what my partner and I do, to slag me off and call me a fat mess, huge thunder thighs, my family hates me, everyone hates me, I’m disgusting.. the list is endless but it’s relentless and nobody else would put up with it, I have done though because of how much he drained me I just felt I deserved it all... but he’s someone else’s problem now.
How someone can think it’s okay to treat another human like crap and make them feel so controlled is just so wrong be it a partner or a friend. It doesn’t matter. Nobody has the right to control anyone. It’s narcissistic and toxic. Xx

Definitely - my partner didn't ever get into conversation with her as he found her too needy I'm wondering whether or not I should even bother mentioning the Mother's day tag bit at all, or if I should just use the "it's not you, it's me" approach for an easier life lol

I'm not worried about sending the message. Just the aftermath of it all really

Don’t worry about the aftermath. It’s not your concern once you send the message and block her. You’re putting yourself first. I think it’s so not on that she would consider contacting your partner too, that’s just too much in my eyes. It’s very unfair to you. You sound like a really lovely, caring person OP... I’m sorry someone is making you feel this way. Its wrong but well done on making the first step in getting some serious breathing space. You’ll feel so much better within yourself x

 

[Definitely Maybe]

@Creep Have a look on youtube at a video The Speakmans posted about a week ago ' 8 warning signs of a toxic person' It's only 2 minutes long and I think might help you. Must be hard for you to come to terms with cutting her off, but I think you've done the right thing.

 

[emm]

I have this friend that will only talk to me if she wants to talk about herself. Example, she'll message me saying 'hi, how are you?' she doesn't really care how I am, she just waits for me to respond with 'I'm good how are you?' so then she can just send me an essay about how her life has been that week, what she's done, what she's eaten, where she's been with her boyfriend etc.. it absolutely drives me insane. It's got to the point now where I don't respond to her at all, its a shame because I've known her since we were at school together and we were really good friends but I'm just so fed up with how she treats me. She constantly lies about stuff too. I don't know what to do going forward, I want her in my life but I also don't at the same time.

i had a friend like this, and whenever i got in touch first she would answerme but never ask anything about me

 

[Shoequeen91]

The fact that you made the long post shows they're really not a friend.

Today I contacted a friend who I've not spoken to for 4 months and told them about a festival I'm going to and if they're up for it. They booked tickets straight away and showed me the confirmation. Then we messaged for hours and it was the same as ever even after not talking for months on end.

When we meet up again it will be like we were just at the pub last week. A friendship doesn't need to be constant contact, its about meaningful contact, when you both have the time. It should be easy, no stress, no drama.

Don't put up with anything less.

THIS

I was part of a group of five girls and now out of those five girls, I speak to one. My friendship with this girl (basically my best friend) is exactly how the poster above has commented just that we see each other a bit more frequently than 4 months.

The others in the group just made everything a competition and it’s draining. Don’t ever let friendships be draining, they really shouldn’t be.

 

[Creep]

A bit of an update. I've tried ghosting again, but it doesn't seem to be working. She sent me a message saying that she is "getting upset, hurt and stressed" because she has seen me tag my mum in a post for mothers day I didn't even make a post myself, it was just a meme thing I saw on FB. She said in the message that she doesn't understand why I haven't replied to her yet have the time to post on fb. If I replied to her, it wouldn't be a quick conversation and then she'd let me get on. It'll be all about her, I don't even want to try to justify myself to her about why she saw me tag my mum in a post

It's making me see her in a different light as she's quite immature. She's a few years younger than me but I never noticed it before. I couldn't care less if people have other friends, if someone doesn't reply yet they like or comment on a post etc but she seems to

I'm not really sure where to go from here

 

[terriann]

I only miss one friend I had from school. Apart from her I’ve had friends come and go, but none of them I had a real soul connection with like my old best friend. I don’t have a best friend anymore but I don’t feel I really need one, although I guess it would nice. I think the internet has made it quite easy for people to not have friends in real life.

 

[Stickitothemaniosis]

Hi everyone! I'm Creep but I couldn't get back into my account for some reason so made a new one.

So an update:haven't spoken to her since. I found a great feature on messenger when you get put someone into your "spam/other" folder so even if they messaged you won't know unless you actively look. I felt like it was the best way to remove her without removing her and causing more issues. If that makes sense?

It's been a few months now! My life isn't amazing but I feel more free now. No more worrying about whether I'm wrong for tagging my mum etc

So I have actually seen her since we stopped talking. It was an event and I didn't realise she was going to be there. I felt awful and it's not something I normally do, but I full on blanked her. She was in a group talking with my husband there and I went straight past. I'm currently undertaking assessments for Autism and idk if that was right or wrong of me to blank her so dramatically but even my husband said it was odd for me. I usually "fake it til you make it" but seeing her was a complete surprise to me and I didn't know what to do?

I was expecting a barage of messages for blanking her but I didn't. She only tends to message when I post on fb from what I can see! Even as recently as a few weeks ago. Luckily I can see the "spam" messages but she can't see I have?

She's usually pretty far out of my mind, until she goes on a spamming spree with likes on my profile and I think she's probably messaged and she usually has. I don't react or respond and it doesn't bother me. Again I feel mean but it's the way I can keep her at arms length.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. Sorry I haven't been around much

 

[Creep]

Unfortunately, if she’s the type of person to use a Mother’s Day message against you, then she’s not going to respond to being let down gently. I know you’re trying to be nice and to avoid conflict, but I don’t think that’s going to work.

If I were you I’d be direct, say the friendship isn’t working and you wish her well, then unfriend and block. I don’t see the point in not unfriending her tbh, because she’d probably use that against you too.

I think you're right. There have been other times where she has gotten upset because I tagged my partner in something (usually a clothing post or something rubbish) and she messages me right away saying that she can't believe I have time to do that and not message her back right away, it just feels like she's watching me and makes me feel like the bad guy as I second guess myself constantly.

I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet really. I'm not the best with words and I don't want to cause more upset either, but it just feels like whatever I do, isn't right

 

[Emiliabrazkow]

I have a friend who asks 101 questions about my life and what I'm doing, but rarely shares anything about her own life (I am very careful about what I divulge as I like to keep things private). If we're catching up in person or via phone, I'll stop her and say, "Wait - I'm waiting for you to tell me about ____" to which she'll just divert the subject. I feel as though she only uses me for ideas.

We've grown so far apart over the past few years that I can only think of one thing we have in common. I find many of her ideologies at odds with mine, and exhausting when she climbs atop her soapbox and gets ranting about things. I dislike conflict so don't speak up, but I have noticed that when people do argue her points, or express their own opinions, she gets a bit nasty.

I've taken to extending the amount of time I take to reply to her emails which hasn't gone down very well at all ...

I think msybe she is just there to ask info about you and your life and gossip about it to someone else

 

[Tanne1999]

I have tried several times. I kept getting the excuses of ‘I’m just really busy, my mental health is awful, I’ll make more of an effort’, and the effort never came.

One of them I cut off sooner than the other. His girlfriend is my ex boyfriends ex, and she’s never made it a secret she hates me (unsure on why - she was in bed with my ex three days after we split up), so I wonder if there was an ultimatum. He and I did have a past thing, I’m not sure if he’s told her that. I blocked him on everything as I was just sick of crying over the loss of the friendship and being the only one who cared.

The other one, I’ve yet to block but I think I’m going to. I messaged him over the Christmas period to say I’d be free to meet if he wanted, he’s been active every day but hasn’t even opened my message.
Im more disappointed in him opposed to the other friend because he was the one telling me he was toxic and friends don’t do that to each other etc.


It’s shit, but it is what it is I guess xx

Update. I’ve deleted him off of everything. Keeping his presence active in any form isn’t going to help me heal, so it’s for the best. Just feels so shit, friend breakups can be worse than actual breakups sometimes.

 

[Bobbleowl90]

I was going to start my own thread for this but figured this existed and it can go here, but it is quite lengthy.

Some users will have seen me post previously about a friendship circle I was having issues with. This was a few weeks ago and I’m really, really struggling to come to terms with it.

There were three of us. I introduced the other two to each other and they weren’t friends before I introduced them, so I was always the one who organised things etc. I introduced them as I was getting married and they were both my bridesmaids so I wanted them to be friends. All was well until about six months ago really. Friend 1 (who I have known the longest) just suddenly stopped liking anything I put on social media. We got married abroad (they ultimately weren’t part of the wedding due to covid) and she didn’t even like all my wedding photos. My hen do was cancelled and they didn’t make any effort for the “pretend” hen do that I had. It was crap. No photos were put online but a week later friend 1 went for drinks with other friends she barely knows and it was plastered all over social media. It made me feel shitty, like I’m not worthy or something. Maybe it’s me being paranoid, I don’t know. We had a group chat and when my husband and I went on honeymoon, it was around then that anything I said in this group chat, it just got ignored. But they would both speak amongst themselves but ignore me.

Constant little digs - I used to let my baby fall asleep on me and put him down in his cot. Friend 2 would drive her baby in the car every single night then transfer to bed. To me, that’s the strangest of the two methods. But friend 1 would question me in the group chat as to why I did it that way, but act like driving a baby to sleep was completely normal. I bought my wedding ring and sent a photo and got told it wasn’t nice and she preferred plain ones. Because hers is plain. I booked an outdoor meal in an igloo type tent for my babies first birthday and got told it was rubbish. I had my covid vaccine and got told she wouldn’t have it even if she was offered it.

Friend 1 hates her job. I love mine. She began a volunteer role but told friend 2 it was a paid role. She had already told me it was voluntary. Friend 2 suggested she quit her job now as she had another but she let her believe she had two jobs and two wages. I could have said something, but I didn’t.

I arranged to meet friend 1 one day and she stood me up. I had printed some interview papers for her especially. I rang her and she didn’t answer so I went back home. She told me it was too cold and she couldn’t wait any longer for me. I had arrived on time. A few days later she asked if she could collect the papers from me and I said I had binned them. “I would never do that to a friend” was her reply and she made a big deal in the group chat of friend 2 husband dropping them off for her instead. Whenever I asked to meet up with friend 1 she was always “so, so busy” or seeing other friends. She always made a point of how she was seeing so and so this week and how she had so many friends.

It was my birthday and we always, always buy cards and presents. This year I got nothing. Absolutely nothing. Two weeks later it was friend 1 birthday and she got a card and a present off friend 2. That really, really hurt me.

I asked friend 2 to meet up and she said we can’t because of covid. Yet a week later she met friend 1. They asked if we would all like to meet a week later and I said yes. Nothing got mentioned and I assumed it wasn’t happening. But low and behold that day, they had met and plastered it on social media. I had had enough so I asked why they had met and they said they didn’t think I was going. We haven’t spoke since.

I’m really struggling. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I’ve been pushed aside and forgotten about. Since then, they tag each other in everything on Instagram. I know it’s for my benefit and to make me feel like shit but it’s working. I don’t want to be friends with people like this but it’s really damaged me. Friend 2 I met because our husbands were best friends since kids. Her husband hasn’t been in touch with mine for weeks now either. I have gone to bed for the past month and just cried. It’s effecting my relationship and I feel like I’ve been thrown back to high school as something very similar happened to me back then too. I never thought it would happen again in my 30’s. Friend 2 owns a business and I noticed she is now friends on Facebook with my hairdresser and commenting on her things. I honestly now want to cancel my appointment with my hairdresser. My husband says I’m being daft, but they’ve effected me in a way I didn’t think was possible to damage me so much. I don’t understand why somebody would want to hurt me so much and I don’t know what lies she is telling people as to why we don’t speak no more.

I have a couple of other friends but not loads. These were my “best” friends and I feel so hurt and destroyed.

Sorry it’s long and thanks if you’ve read it all. There’s probably loads more to add but I’d be here all night.

These girls now have requested to follow me on Instagram again. I messaged with a ? and had a reply to say they were talking about me and wanted to see if I was ok. What a set of mind game bitches.

 

[shadowcat5]

Hard as it is. Ignore them & don’t accept their instagram requests! They are only wanting to be nosey! Leave them to their silly childish games! They will need your friendship well before you need theirs!

Ive been in a very similar situation with so called best friends! Hard as it was & still is. l walked away from the friendship with my head held high! Had to for my own wellbeing!

This was my exact thought ^

They aren’t reaching out to make amends, they’re reaching out to nose at your profile and probably take the piss. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

I also had a similar situation. They weren’t friends, they were bullies in disguise of friendship. I blocked them all and never looked back. Best thing I ever did

 

[LaBlonde]

Does anyone else feel like even though deep down they know their friend/s is/are toxic but you still keep giving them chances anyway on the off chance they might just be ok? Maybe I’m just a pushover but even though I know some people are toxic I struggle with cutting them off because I hate the thought of them thinking badly of me for doing so

oh absolutely. i think also you’re obviously friends for a reason so you might also have good memories and times with that person that you keep thinking about and hoping you can go back to. or maybe you give chances because you remember how the friendship used to be. with the friend i mentioned above, she was the one to stop talking to me and i think i was secretly relieved because i absolutely struggle with being the one to cut someone off even though i hadn’t been happy in her company for ages at that point.

friendship breakups are worst than relationship breakups sometimes.

 

[panda_eyes]

I had developed new friendship that was fine but has quickly got out of hand.

She is a mum at the school and we swapped numbers during the lockdown and would send messages about homeschooling etc which was nice. But then once the kids went back she started to piss me off.

She waits for me to get there and rushes straight over to see me, If I try to talk to someone else she comes right next to me, stares at me and listens and as soon as there is a break in the conversation she jumps straight in to talk to me , if I talk to my children she'll start talking to me whilst I'm talking to them or she'll just stare and listen in. She stares and watches everything I do (I tried walking around the playground with my son yesterday to get away from her and she stared at me the whole time).

I know it's petty but its doing my head in. I've started trying to time it so I get to school just as the doors open meaning I dont have to wait around, its like unwanted attention and she thinks she owns me or something. This has been going on for a long time.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me so I obviously create situations like this - what do I do

Do you know if she's "friended" any of the other mums there before you? She sounds incredibly needy and exhausting. Especially talking at you when you're talking to your children, that's not right, it would all do my head in too. Sorry I don't have any advice - I had a friend like this at work who followed me around, my leaving do was especially bad as I never got to talk to anyone on my own as she was always right next to me thank goodness I left that job (although that didn't stop it, even asking her to please not whatsapp me as my phone kept going off I felt so sick, I needed a break from anyone contacting me, I ended up turning my phone off for days. She emailed my personal email, my new work email, sent text messages and two handwritten letters of six sides of A4 each to my house) so ended up having to ghost her.

Have you got many years left of your children going to this school?