Toxic friends

[Rodneytrotter]

I'm perhaps trying to "let her down gently" but it doesn't seem to be working. I think I'm going to have to take a more direct approach now because who on earth gets stressed about a mothers day post!


I've restricted a few things on my fb and turned off active status which doesn't seem to be working either as she keeps messaging me. It's getting ridiculous now, I never hid this much when I left my abusive ex boyfriend

Could you tell her that you're very sorry that your post to your mum upset her and that if you're honest you're finding the friendship claustrophobic and that you think it's best to end the friendship, wish her all the best and then ignore anything else that comes through.

 

[Raininvain]

I have this friend that will only talk to me if she wants to talk about herself. Example, she'll message me saying 'hi, how are you?' she doesn't really care how I am, she just waits for me to respond with 'I'm good how are you?' so then she can just send me an essay about how her life has been that week, what she's done, what she's eaten, where she's been with her boyfriend etc.. it absolutely drives me insane. It's got to the point now where I don't respond to her at all, its a shame because I've known her since we were at school together and we were really good friends but I'm just so fed up with how she treats me. She constantly lies about stuff too. I don't know what to do going forward, I want her in my life but I also don't at the same time.

There's absolutely loads of people like this, either continue as you are doing or block her or just tell her that shes only interested in herself/her life and there's no point being friends when someone has no absolutely interest in you?. I've known people like this and I've either just walked off or repeatedly changed the subject.People should understand there has to be give and take in conversation. Its not all about them.

 

[Creep]

So I have an update. I've been told via a mutual friend (ish, I only know this person in passing tbf) that my toxic ex friend has spun the narrative of the lie she created, the one that almost ruined my relationship and made herself the victim. For starters, I'm angry that she's sharing such information with another person when I told her in confidence. But now I've been painted as the bad guy when it was her who caused all of this.

I'm trying to rise above it and be the bigger person. It has made me feel confident in my decision to cut her off but jesus christ I'm so angry.

 

[Creep]

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't updated. I sent her a message yesterday, and to my surprise she hasnt replied at all. She saw it right away too! I expected her to fly off the handle

 

[Creep]

Does anyone have any experience with a friend like this? I'm beginning to think that my friend is quite toxic and I'm not sure what to do I'll write my story below

I've been friends with this person for about 2 years now, I think I made a thread here a while ago about it. But to sum it up, she is quite intense with messages and I just shrugged it off as wanting a friend.

These last 6 months have been rough. I found out that she made up a huge lie and stuck her oar in which almost destroyed my relationship. I caught her out yet she apologised but threw my partner under the bus at the same time. I never usually confront people but I did with her. I asked if she didn't mention the subject anymore because it's a sensitive subject anyway but she ignored that. Anyway, I gave her a second chance but requested time as what she did hurt me plus there were quite a few things happening in my life at the time and what she did was the final nail so to speak. She didn't give me the time despite asking in several ways, hounded me several times a day and even messaged my partner loads about it. I will admit, it made me dig my heels in a bit because I just felt like she wasn't respecting my decision.

She's always been quite a self centred person I guess. Again, shrugged it off because I was the person she spoke to about everything. I was ready to speak to her again, I put something like "Hey. Sorry I've not been around, there has been a lot going on" and straight away it was "I've got so much to tell you" and she went straight into talking about herself. Didn't even ask me once how I was, she never does. It took her a matter of hours, to mention the subject I asked her not to. It's something she did a lot of despite me asking her not to, it feels like she was almost goading me to react.

Everything feels like a competition with her and it always has done. I excused it at first because I know that people use their experiences to relate, as I do that too. But it's a case of if I've been to Tenerife, she's been to Elevenerife if that makes sense? It made me not want to say anything about myself, because saying something like "I've got a cold" I'll be told that she has "the worst flu ever" sort of thing. It's quite draining and I felt like I was constantly supporting her (which I happily do) but didn't get it back. I don't expect anything back at all but surely it goes two ways? She flies off the handle with me if I criticise her and turns it back on me and makes me feel guilty. I will be honest and say that I don't always handle things the best, so perhaps I didn't word it very well or something.

I've made the decision to cut her off. I've never cut a friend off before, friendships in the past would gradually fizzle out. I struggle with confrontation and social anxiety so this isn't easy for me and I'm constantly second guessing what I'm doing. So I'm not sure what to do. With the way she is, I don't think no contact would work. But straight up telling her would cause more issues too. I'm limiting contact at the moment while I figure out what to do but I don't even know if that is right anymore. I just feel suffocated really.

I don't know if the word "toxic" is too strong for her, I always just thought that she was lonely really.

Does anyone else have experience with a friend who is similar?

 

[Clairer86]

Just to add on to my previous post. My 'friend' did some really awful things to me, and now ive cut him off i realise just how fucking cruel he was. I personally think he was a narcissist and that would make sense given my own mental health issues and how we sometimes go to those type of people (Narcissist). He exploited me in every way possible- financial, sexually, he even got me taking class A drugs. And yet i was made to feel like the bad person and i was crazy.... which i am but im not a fucking idiot., and im able to analyse things and see things in a really deep way- thanks to my mental health plus the years and years of being at uni.

The cunt even made me believe that i was stupid and i was only accepted to study at uni because im 'ill' and they needed to allow disabled people on the course. So even though i did my BA degree and got a first, and then my MA degree and got a merit i believed it was purely because they had to because im 'poorly'.

I could write a bloody essay on the cruel things he did to me.

But anyway, sorry im ranting on. I dont want to bore you by talking about me. But honestly if i can cut someone out of my life then you certainly can.

 

[shadowcat5]

Does anyone else feel their friendships are very one sided?

It’s either I send a message/make the effort otherwise I would never hear from them. I get that people are busy but so am I, (working full-time, having a toddler etc).

this is literally all of my friendships. It’s always me making the effort and they reply when they fancy it.
i have one friend who Ive had to distance from at the moment because she will only talk to me when she’s got a problem in her life. I will not hear from her any other time. Sometimes she reaches out to me in the guise of asking about me but then it becomes apparent she has an issue she needs to tell me

 

[1001 others]

I think I'm a bit of a magnet for toxic and narcissistic people. I grew up in a family of narcs so saw and experienced some really shitty stuff which has made me a very flawed individual who cares far too much what people think. I also recognise that I'm too much of a people pleaser, which sees me get used and cast aside once I've served my purpose. I am waking up to all this more as I age ... at this rate I'll be 80 before I feel free of it all though!

This said, I do have some lovely people in my life who are very positive and uplifting. It's quite telling that the toxic 'friend' who I've posted about doesn't like to think I have other friends. And yes, @orla1989 , like yours I am often on the receiving end of sly digs that could be interpreted as compliments but they're really not.

I'm definitely going to cease contact with this lady.

 

[Tommyb]

After 2 years of trying to hang on to my two best friends of 20+ years who are constantly leaving me out and just not making any effort. I have decided that if I meet up with anyone and end up coming out of those meet ups feeling down/bad about myself or left out then I will no longer put myself in those situations. I find it hard to let go of those friendships where there is so much history. It's sad to realise a friendship doesn't mean as much to one person as it does to the other.

I have two great friends who make effort and they have much busier lives!

 

[Norfolking Good]

Your mental and physical health is the most important thing and you said yourself it was the best thing you ever did. Don’t go back, as in reality nothing will change and you end up feeling rubbish again. I’ve been there myself as you miss the friendship element but not the drama that goes with it and frankly is it worth it? Friendship is a two way thing, not some kind of balancing act where you are constantly worried about them taking offence or twisting what you say. You’ve lasted a year and that’s awesome! Onwards and upwards!
Maybe write a letter but then burn it and it can be a solid underlining of your decision. It’s gone up in flames and is no more.
I always think of the Mr Darcy quote whenever I waiver and it stops me: ‘my good opinion once lost, is lost forever.

 

[Clairer86]

Does anyone have any experience with a friend like this? I'm beginning to think that my friend is quite toxic and I'm not sure what to do I'll write my story below

I've been friends with this person for about 2 years now, I think I made a thread here a while ago about it. But to sum it up, she is quite intense with messages and I just shrugged it off as wanting a friend.

These last 6 months have been rough. I found out that she made up a huge lie and stuck her oar in which almost destroyed my relationship. I caught her out yet she apologised but threw my partner under the bus at the same time. I never usually confront people but I did with her. I asked if she didn't mention the subject anymore because it's a sensitive subject anyway but she ignored that. Anyway, I gave her a second chance but requested time as what she did hurt me plus there were quite a few things happening in my life at the time and what she did was the final nail so to speak. She didn't give me the time despite asking in several ways, hounded me several times a day and even messaged my partner loads about it. I will admit, it made me dig my heels in a bit because I just felt like she wasn't respecting my decision.

She's always been quite a self centred person I guess. Again, shrugged it off because I was the person she spoke to about everything. I was ready to speak to her again, I put something like "Hey. Sorry I've not been around, there has been a lot going on" and straight away it was "I've got so much to tell you" and she went straight into talking about herself. Didn't even ask me once how I was, she never does. It took her a matter of hours, to mention the subject I asked her not to. It's something she did a lot of despite me asking her not to, it feels like she was almost goading me to react.

Everything feels like a competition with her and it always has done. I excused it at first because I know that people use their experiences to relate, as I do that too. But it's a case of if I've been to Tenerife, she's been to Elevenerife if that makes sense? It made me not want to say anything about myself, because saying something like "I've got a cold" I'll be told that she has "the worst flu ever" sort of thing. It's quite draining and I felt like I was constantly supporting her (which I happily do) but didn't get it back. I don't expect anything back at all but surely it goes two ways? She flies off the handle with me if I criticise her and turns it back on me and makes me feel guilty. I will be honest and say that I don't always handle things the best, so perhaps I didn't word it very well or something.

I've made the decision to cut her off. I've never cut a friend off before, friendships in the past would gradually fizzle out. I struggle with confrontation and social anxiety so this isn't easy for me and I'm constantly second guessing what I'm doing. So I'm not sure what to do. With the way she is, I don't think no contact would work. But straight up telling her would cause more issues too. I'm limiting contact at the moment while I figure out what to do but I don't even know if that is right anymore. I just feel suffocated really.

I don't know if the word "toxic" is too strong for her, I always just thought that she was lonely really.

Does anyone else have experience with a friend who is similar?

Yes she sounds extremely toxic!!

I have a 'friend' who sounds pretty similar. I have quite bad mental health issues- BPD, Bipolar 2, Auditory Hallucinations, Anxiety, OCD etc etc. And i will be the first to admit that i can be quite naive and gullible... Well i dont lie and i like to think im an ok person so i just assume everyone else is honest and nice. I had this 'friend' who totally gaslighted me, and tried to exploit me, and it got to the point it felt like i was in an abusive relationship with said 'friend'. I totally cut contact following a spell in the mental health unit in hospital. And honestly, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and i have never missed said friend. (And that is huge for me because for a while this 'friend' was my "favourite person").

I hope you are okay, only you know how you will respond to her/take the best course of action for you. But i always feel the thought of something is usually much worse than the reality of it.

 

[Lollyy]

I have a friend that only replies and wants to see me when I’m feeling low. If I am feeling good, she doesn’t want to know. She also constantly calls me skinny. I dunno why but I feel she is toxic. If I try to make plans she doesn’t want to & is busy, despite not having any friends herself. & only if she initiates plans, on her terms, or want me as a friends for her events (birthday, wedding etc) I feel like it’s getting me down.

 

[Scottish Care Bear]

These girls now have requested to follow me on Instagram again. I messaged with a ? and had a reply to say they were talking about me and wanted to see if I was ok. What a set of mind game bitches.

Hard as it is. Ignore them & don’t accept their instagram requests! They are only wanting to be nosey! Leave them to their silly childish games! They will need your friendship well before you need theirs!

Ive been in a very similar situation with so called best friends! Hard as it was & still is. l walked away from the friendship with my head held high! Had to for my own wellbeing!

 

[Raininvain]

One of my friends was once on holiday with a group and one of the women was the worst bragger ever and never let anyone get a word in edgeways. She used to say things like she was so beautiful, her legs were so long and slim that she couldn't get trousers to fit.( Get mens then) Children used to come up to her and say Mummy its Rapunzel or a beautiful Princess etc because she had a long plat etc. Her wedding was the best ever, she was a radiant beauty etc.
Anyway my friend ended up on a balcony with her and was edging away towards the door and it was on some type of latch and it clicked shut. She was stuck with her for absolutely ages like hours before they were rescued...She nearly split up with her boyfriend because he left her all night without coming to see where she was.
Funnily enough this boastful woman's husband is so nice and kind its unbelievable.Hes not like that at all, just a normal person.

 

[whisperchat]

I have this friend that will only talk to me if she wants to talk about herself. Example, she'll message me saying 'hi, how are you?' she doesn't really care how I am, she just waits for me to respond with 'I'm good how are you?' so then she can just send me an essay about how her life has been that week, what she's done, what she's eaten, where she's been with her boyfriend etc.. it absolutely drives me insane. It's got to the point now where I don't respond to her at all, its a shame because I've known her since we were at school together and we were really good friends but I'm just so fed up with how she treats me. She constantly lies about stuff too. I don't know what to do going forward, I want her in my life but I also don't at the same time.

 

[orla1989]

As people have said above, I had a best friend who would talk at me for years. Then when I really needed her in 2019 she was never so self obsessed in her life ( nothing big was happening in her life but had to have the limelight and be dramatic just to get attention)

I was shocked. I had always been so selfless in our friendship ( bad mistake)

there was no reasoning with her. She had to have everything her way. She text me a few months ago and I knew there was no texting with her without her wanting to meet up. Id make up an excuse and she would be pissed at me. ( no reasoning with her remember) So I ghosted her. She has drained me long enough. We are both 32, I do not need this death weight in my life

 

[Northern northener]

I had a friend who I met through the kids and all she ever did was nit pick at everything I was doing and even wearing. She would turn up at my home unannounced because her child was bored then criticize my home or question how I lived. She was often hypocritical too which wound me up. The weird thing was she was also very clingy with me which was really confusing considering she thought so little of me. I would catch her rolling her eyes at me when I would chat to people and couldn't fathom why she wanted to be around me. She ended up moving so I managed to get rid of her but I am still annoyed with myself for putting up with her. It was a relief when effed off.

 

[terriann]

I distanced myself from one of my close friends. I wouldn’t say she’s a narcissist but she’s very self absorbed. Like the original poster described, after a period of not speaking for a while, she would exclaim ‘I’ve got so much to tell you!’ And proceed to talk about herself for the next hour without asking how I am. Once I was beginning to tell her about my application to go back to uni, something big and important to me, and I couldn’t even get a word in because she interrupted me as I tried to tell her. She never invites me out with her friend group or cousins, but spends a long time telling me about their days out or plans to go places with them. I had a crush at work, turns out he’s in the same department as her, and after months of me mentioning seeing him in the canteen and her not saying anything she casually reveals he’s in her department and says jokingly ‘he’s my best friend.’ Like ???? You couldn’t have told me earlier? I think she is one of those people that would never want to see me doing better than her in life. She’s quite competitive which is opposite to me. This thread made me glad I cut her off.

 

[maytoseptember]

Unfortunately, if she’s the type of person to use a Mother’s Day message against you, then she’s not going to respond to being let down gently. I know you’re trying to be nice and to avoid conflict, but I don’t think that’s going to work.

If I were you I’d be direct, say the friendship isn’t working and you wish her well, then unfriend and block. I don’t see the point in not unfriending her tbh, because she’d probably use that against you too.

 

[Creep]

Best thing to do is to keep calm and carry on. EASIER SAID than done, I know. She is either trying to get a reaction from you so that you contact her and isn't handling the rejection from you well, or she feels guilt and trying to convince herself and others that she was victim.
If you don't have any mutual friends, then you really needn't worry. If you do then your real friends will know the truth without you having to explain. And it was also a bit weird that she was contacting your partner?? I hope you both blocked her.

I ageee, I'm rising above it and just carrying on. I think she did that knowing it would get back to me, maybe in hopes of me saying something, I don't know. But no, apart from that one person we don't have any mutual friends so much easier that way.

She used to contact my partner regularly while we were friends. She did it a lot back when we first got talking and I genuinely thought she fancied him lol. She'd then message me things like "I've just had a good chat with *partners name*" when she hadn't lol it was a brief conversation they had in passing. Any chance she had, she mentioned him. But then she started messaging him when I didn't reply for like an hour because you know, life. Stating how concerned she was because I hadn't replied when in reality I was at work. It was all too much!