“The other women”

[Maybebaby69]

I have, he was in the army and I had no idea he had a wife and children until my friend stumbled across a second fb account showing his real life..
He was killed in action in Afghanistan and all I hope is his wife never found out what a rat he was in his personal life..

 

[Lalalalaaaaaa85]

Yes but I was under the impression he’d broken up with his partner. We met whilst with other people and clicked, I split with my partner and he said he split with his. We dated for 6 months until I found out that not only had he never broken up with her he’d even bought a house with her during that time! A house I’d been in!!

As I know people will ask how I didn’t notice a woman lived in the house I only went in for a few minutes so he could grab some stuff and only in the living room. It was when he’d first bought it so no personal Knick knacks, that I noticed anyway. I guess if you don’t think there is anything suspicious you don’t go sniffing

People might think I’m a witch but I told his girlfriend when I found out.

He was and still is blocked everywhere

 

[Loveitme]

Yes.3 years ago I was a single mum ,we’d followed each other on socials for years ,from same area but never spoke before until he started messaging me on insta .I’d never given him a second thought really but we began talking and when I checked his socials there was no sign of any partner since about 2015.He talked a lot about his son but never mentioned any partner and would talk about his sons mum dropping his son off and touched on their relationship ending etc so I assumed that was his last relationship .
We began seeing each other ,this went on for about 2 months until I started to get suspicious about him not having me stay at his home when he had been to mine so often .One day I clicked on his ex’s Facebook and found out she wasn’t the mother of his child but a different woman he was currently in a relationship with a child of her own .I confronted him obv and he said ‘ I thought you knew’ .Then he gave me all the crap about he wanted to leave her ,he would leave her ,things weren’t the same anymore with her etc etc .Stupidly (but I was falling in love with him ) I said ok then if you were planning on leaving her anyway then leave .He didn’t of course so I ended things and said I never wanted to speak to him again .
Since then I’ve met someone else and had a child and he has had a child with the woman he cheated on .As far as I know they’re still together .I never told her becuase They both have children and I wouldn’t want to break up a home and things get twisted and I didn’t want the reputation either tbh.I’m sure I’m not the first or last he’s cheated on her with and I used to wonder if she knew as he spent so much time with me and if he wasn’t with me he was calling or texting

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I don't share my food and I certainly won't share my man!

growing up my father cheated on my mum multiple times, seeing the heart ache he caused, i'm determined to be the opposite of him.

 

[midsgirl0121]

Oh god what a pickle. Firstly, dating for 18 months- most people would want to be in a relationship by that time. Red flag

Secondly, do you know 100% for sure she is pregnant and it’s his? If it is - sack him off. Just full on sack him off. Wants to live together but doesn’t want to be exclusive as he wants to enjoy his time on deployment? Second red flag selfish behaviour.

Thirdly, a 20 year old is not a child. You need to message her if this is all true. She’s deserves to know. Sooner rather than later. You also need to message him. Even if he’s in contactable you need to email/text/write to him and tell him what you know.

Id end it. He seems like a piece of tit.

I wasn't sure what I wanted, I'm not the sort of person that rushes into things and being military obviously he wasn't always around so we didn't see each other like the standard relationship would over 18 months if you get what I'm saying.

He told me she is pregnant, I don't know whether it's definitely his frankly I don't care thats his problem not mine. We aren't speaking anymore he has been sacked off don't worry.

She looks about 16 which is why I called her a child probably me being petty but I'm allowed to be at the moment lol.

I don't know what I'm supposed to message him, I've nothing left to say to him

There is no pickle, you need to block him and cut contact completely to salvage your dignity. You don’t need to beg him to block you Change your number if you have to. He was future faking with the house (look FF up). The family have seen it play out before, you won’t be the first or last.

I wouldn’t message the new girl. She’ll find out soon enough what he’s like. Move on with your life and work on your boundaries. Might seem harsh but you need to focus on yourself.

Yeah I blocked him but in your contacts on WhatsApp even if the number isn't saved, it still shows in your block list. So I didn't want to have the opportunity when I was drunk to message him kicking off that's why I wanted him to block my number as well

You do not need to be asking him to block you, you need to block him.

You don’t owe the other woman anything, it is his mess and let him sort it out. She’ll find out eventually. You may just end up looking like the bitter ex/side piece.

I would cut all contact and move on. He clearly isn’t interested in actually settling down, after dating for 18 months and he still wants to mess around, NO. He cannot have his cake and eat it.

I did block him I just wanted him to block me in case I got drunk and was tempted to unblock and message him. I wasn't a side piece, she was, but she knows nothing about me so she probably thinks she's the only one as well. I get whay you're saying about not owing her anything, I think it's more about me getting revenge at the moment lol

 

[JoeBloggs]

I did block him I just wanted him to block me in case I got drunk and was tempted to unblock and message him. I wasn't a side piece, she was, but she knows nothing about me so she probably thinks she's the only one as well. I get whay you're saying about not owing her anything, I think it's more about me getting revenge at the moment lol

Delete all his chats, delete his number, get any evidence of him off your phone.

You say she was the side piece, but frankly it sounds like no one was his 'main woman'. Who is to say he wasn't saying the same to her.

Revenge, you won't be getting revenge on him because he won't care. He can walk away, all you are doing is hurting a possibly young pregnant woman. She may have no idea about you therefore in her eyes she hasn't done anything wrong. Personally, you need to walk away. Be the bigger person and don't play his games.

 

[midsgirl0121]

Delete all his chats, delete his number, get any evidence of him off your phone.

You say she was the side piece, but frankly it sounds like no one was his 'main woman'. Who is to say he wasn't saying the same to her.

Revenge, you won't be getting revenge on him because he won't care. He can walk away, all you are doing is hurting a possibly young pregnant woman. She may have no idea about you therefore in her eyes she hasn't done anything wrong. Personally, you need to walk away. Be the bigger person and don't play his games.

Yeah I have done but like I said blocked numbers are still in the blocked list which is so annoying . Yeah I get that, it's just he's been a c**t and treated me like tit and now he gets a baby and a new Mrs and where does it leave me, with duck all so I'm just angry at the moment

 

[WilmaHun]

Yeah I have done but like I said blocked numbers are still in the blocked list which is so annoying . Yeah I get that, it's just he's been a c**t and treated me like tit and now he gets a baby and a new Mrs and where does it leave me, with duck all so I'm just angry at the moment

It's more about self control than worrying about whether they're in the blocked list. Know your worth and tell yourself you're better than him, keep telling yourself that and eventually any urge you have to contact him will go anyway.

 

[blossombloss]

There has to be a poster who got involved knowing she was going to be the other women.
I can't believe theres not been a story yet where they admitted they jumped into a relationship fully aware that the man/woman already had a partner.


I can believe that they might be scared of being judged here.

ETA @ASAnigel just re read yours, so you did know he had a wife but didn't know he had kids?

Hahaha I don't think OP will get a response to her question! I don't blame her, if people are writing about being in love with a married man and getting harsh responses, I don't think anyone who has ever been the other woman knowingly is going to want to face the wrath of others.

I guess it has to be a proper judgement free zone or it won't work.

 

[Sea]

Hahaha I don't think OP will get a response to her question! I don't blame her, if people are writing about being in love with a married man and getting harsh responses, I don't think anyone who has ever been the other woman knowingly is going to want to face the wrath of others.

I guess it has to be a proper judgement free zone or it won't work.

In which case this should be post only if you are/were the other woman .
It's tricky because there's intrigue as it's taboo, so questions are asked out of interest, questions are asked out of anger, it will never be a judgement free topic.

 

[katyazamo]

In which case this should be post only if you are/were the other woman .
It's tricky because there's intrigue as it's taboo, so questions are asked out of interest, questions are asked out of anger, it will never be a judgement free topic.

It'd be nice if it was a judgement-free zone. There needs to be a bit of nuance though, every situation is indeed different!

In my case, it felt less serious as the guy wasn't married and I could only go on the basis of what he told me, that the relationship was essentially over and they were basically flatmates. I was also very young and there was 8 years between us, and maybe I should have been a bit more vigilant and checked up (but this was before social media really took off) but ultimately he was the one in the drivers seat and he should have known better. So there was a major power imbalance. Same with women who end up getting involved with their married bosses. I was naive and quite vulnerable and felt pretty invisible. So to get attention from a man a fair bit older made me feel like I was finally being seen. The reality is though, he was just bored in his relationship. I wish I had someone looking out for me.

I don't think anyone will openly say yeah, I deliberately got involved with a married man with no regrets. I don't believe it's possible anyway, unless someone is a bit of a sociopath, because affairs always leave a trail of destruction behind them. If someone is purposely going after married men (or women), then they need to ask themselves why - they tend to enjoy the attention and drama of it all. The thing is, it's very easy to blame the "other woman" but if you're married, you have to say no - I've made a commitment and I'm not going to throw that away. But some married men are very good at hiding their wives/kids.

 

[MensaBarbie1985]

Interesting thread not that I’ve been “the other woman”. Having dealt with a narcissist and been cheated on I could never do it to another person. Even the smaller things like female coworkers FaceTiming at night I can see why people get caught up in the ego boost, but I wouldn’t lower myself and would get greater pleasure turning such an eejit down.

If you knowingly go with a man in a relationship you need to work on your self worth ASAP. There’s no other way around it, regardless of the situation. And any man saying their partner is crazy/a crank and pulling the “woe is me” act to another woman is usually projecting and using both of you.

how true this is… my ex is now with the girl he cheated on me with and this is girlfriend number 7 or 8 since he split with his wife in May 2019, he only told me about 1 of them. But guess what? We’re ALL crazy apparently!

 

[Lulu Goss]

My friend was the other woman for a while and she never seemed bothered about the fact he was living with his long term girlfriend - she was of the opinion that she didn’t know her, he was the one in the relationship so why should she feel guilty when he was the one deciding to cheat and pursuing her.

I struggled with her talking about it like that, because I’ve been with my partner for a long time and the idea of him cheating and the other woman not giving a duck just put me on edge.

She showed me a dick pic he sent her once, from his bedroom he shared with his girlfriend - her stuff was in the background! It was so brazen.

 

[blossombloss]

I don't think anyone will openly say yeah, I deliberately got involved with a married man with no regrets. I don't believe it's possible anyway, unless someone is a bit of a sociopath, because affairs always leave a trail of destruction behind them. If someone is purposely going after married men (or women), then they need to ask themselves why - they tend to enjoy the attention and drama of it all. The thing is, it's very easy to blame the "other woman" but if you're married, you have to say no - I've made a commitment and I'm not going to throw that away. But some married men are very good at hiding their wives/kids.

Totally agree with the bolded and regardless of gender. People always want to blame "the other woman/man" but the reality it is the person who is married that should face the most blame and shame. They have made the commitment. I'm not saying the other party gets off guilt-free, it's bad morals on both parties. But the trail of destruction that's left behind is the fault of the person who has the family/partner and has chosen to cheat. Sadly when it does come to the other woman the woman gets the blame because "she should have known better." Hun, your partner who is apparently committed to you should have known better, I'd focus more on why he disrespected you than the other woman. She probably doesn't know you from Adam. When by BF cheated on me with another woman, all my rage was directed at him because he was MY boyfriend. In that case I even felt a bit sorry for her because he played us both!

Sorry OP I feel like I'm derailing though! Can't say I'd willingly enter a situation where I'm the other woman. Can't even fathom it!

 

[midsgirl0121]

It's more about self control than worrying about whether they're in the blocked list. Know your worth and tell yourself you're better than him, keep telling yourself that and eventually any urge you have to contact him will go anyway.

Easier said than done when it's fresh but I get it.

 

[JoeBloggs]

My friend was the other woman for a while and she never seemed bothered about the fact he was living with his long term girlfriend - she was of the opinion that she didn’t know her, he was the one in the relationship so why should she feel guilty when he was the one deciding to cheat and pursuing her.

I struggled with her talking about it like that, because I’ve been with my partner for a long time and the idea of him cheating and the other woman not giving a duck just put me on edge.

She showed me a dick pic he sent her once, from his bedroom he shared with his girlfriend - her stuff was in the background! It was so brazen.

I can totally see this view, while the 'other womans' behaviour is morally wrong she is technically single and it is on him to feel the guilt.

I have a friend who had an affair with an ex for years, she even slept with him the night before his wedding and after it. She really struggled to find a partner and I think it was her way of feeling wanted. For me it is the man at fault, he should be the one held to task but it always seems to be the other woman and he is seen as some sort of hero between his friends.

 

[Pariszai]

I'll bite and come in as the person who new they were the other woman. To make it even worse, as well as him being in a 3 year relationship that I knew about, I was in a 5 year one and thought I was happy (the fact I cheated tells me I must not have been).

Started randomly after drunk night out and we just carried on meeting up for months until his girlfriend finally found out.

Looking back I have no idea why I did it (except for me being a piece of tit, I suppose). We both broke up with our partners and I've never seen the other guy since. Luckily my ex is doing well and is happy now. I haven't wanted to be with anyone since as I feel like I don't deserve to but also I don't trust myself and never want to hurt anyone like that again.

Open to judgement and criticism as I know I deserve it.

 

[rainbowlemon]

Thank you for sharing. The judgement can hold back discussion.

 

[sailorcherries]

I'll bite and come in as the person who new they were the other woman. To make it even worse, as well as him being in a 3 year relationship that I knew about, I was in a 5 year one and thought I was happy (the fact I cheated tells me I must not have been).

Started randomly after drunk night out and we just carried on meeting up for months until his girlfriend finally found out.

Looking back I have no idea why I did it (except for me being a piece of tit, I suppose). We both broke up with our partners and I've never seen the other guy since. Luckily my ex is doing well and is happy now. I haven't wanted to be with anyone since as I feel like I don't deserve to but also I don't trust myself and never want to hurt anyone like that again.

Open to judgement and criticism as I know I deserve it.

I don't think anyone should judge you. It's easy enough to say "just leave" etc but the reality isn't always the same.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

If a woman doesn't know the man is partnered up, shes shoulders no blame. If a woman knowingly gets involved, morally, its scummy as duck and shows poor self esteem. Loyalty responsibility of course lies with the man.

Don't project on to this situation.
There is nothing to suggest be liked knowing he was wanted.
There is nothing to suggest it was some illicit secret.
He did a decent thing and made sure their working environment wasn't awkward or hostile. The joking around may or may not have been a part of that.
The OP made it clear that nothing ever happened - no secret rendezvous, no inappropriate messages, no little smiles or looks.

The man behaved well as did OP. If people have their own issues that's fine but don't tar everyone with the same brush.

Who is projecting?

A man, who is happily married (with any decency) wouldnt joke about kids with a woman he knows is attracted to him. We may even have those work wives/husbands but when you know theres actual attraction, you have to be mindful of boundaries.

You can make a working environment comfortable without doing that. In my opinion, of course.