“The other women”

[Oohthedrama]

At that time if I'm being honest it would have been a 100% yes. Now after not seeing him for more then half a year and having had time and space it would be a solid no. I know that I was in a vulnerable place and I saw the version of him that I wanted to see.

god I hate when people make excuses, had a feeling you would have because why tell him you had feelings if you weren’t hoping/planning to act on them.

Im glad he was a good man/husband, and I hope they’re still very happy together.

 

[Littleelf]

My ex (who i was completley head over heals with, totally broke my heart) strung me along for quite a while after we broke up: still seeing each other sleeping together ect. I actually thought we would get back together (naive silly me) I had no idea he had actually got into another relationship, and I was the other woman!
Crushed me completely

 

[rainbowlemon]

god I hate when people make excuses, had a feeling you would have because why tell him you had feelings if you weren’t hoping/planning to act on them.

Im glad he was a good man, and I hope they’re still very happy together.

I'm not an innocent wall flower, never claimed to be either, but it was the truth of how I felt which I had hidden from him for a long time and wasn't planning on telling him. We talked about it like adults without jumping into bed with each other. He accepted my feelings, normalized it. I don't feel any shame or feel like I've done anything wrong. I was vulnerable then and would probably be the same now as I still live alone away from any family or friends.

 

[Oohthedrama]

without jumping into bed with each other.

because…… he didn’t want to cheat on his wife?

 

[rainbowlemon]

We never discussed him leaving her or starting an affair, because I already knew he wasn't a real option. He was also 10+ years older then me. Yes I felt this way about him, but that's all that it was. Feelings and fantasy. I wanted him and I did want to be a part of his life and spend more time with him, but I already knew he couldn't give me any of that. I didn't do ask or do a Meredith Grey and beg him to choose me.

We didn't discuss having a no touch rule either, but that's something that grew on it's own. We never hugged. I didn't call or text him at night or go over to his unannounced either.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

god I hate when people make excuses, had a feeling you would have because why tell him you had feelings if you weren’t hoping/planning to act on them.

Im glad he was a good man, and I hope they’re still very happy together.

He still entertained the ego boost of it all though. May not have been physical, but I bet if the wife knew, she would be hurt.

Scummy.

 

[Oohthedrama]

He still entertained the ego boost of it all though. May not have been physical, but I bet if the wife knew, she would be hurt.

Scummy.

Valid point, hard to know without knowing why he felt it necessary to bring it up at all. Only the OP can answer that I suppose.

 

[lupanda]

I was once but I didn’t know.

Told me he was a widow. He was not a widow.

 

[sailorcherries]

I'm not an innocent wall flower, never claimed to be either, but it was the truth of how I felt which I had hidden from him for a long time and wasn't planning on telling him. We talked about it like adults without jumping into bed with each other. He accepted my feelings, normalized it. I don't feel any shame or feel like I've done anything wrong. I was vulnerable then and would probably be the same now as I still live alone away from any family or friends.

I think this is a very mature way to deal with a situation, especially between colleagues.

Knowing that a younger, vulnerable and impressionable person has feelings for you can lead to a massive power dynamic shift. Acknowledging those feelings, discussing how the person feels and possibly why as well as putting boundaries in place and treating the other person compassionately is what more people should do. You can do that and still remain faithful, whilst also ensuring the other person doesn't feel hurt or rejected too.
People get feelings for others all the time. Making someone feel ashamed will lead to a horrible working environment and will have seriously negative impacts on everyone.

The OP admitted she had feelings. The man explained his situation and put a boundary in place. He respected his wife and vows but also ensured that the OP never felt humiliated or led to even more awkwardness etc.
That isn't a bad man and it isn't a bad person either (OP).

 

[Columbo]

I think this is a very mature way to deal with a situation, especially between colleagues.

Knowing that a younger, vulnerable and impressionable person has feelings for you can lead to a massive power dynamic shift. Acknowledging those feelings, discussing how the person feels and possibly why as well as putting boundaries in place and treating the other person compassionately is what more people should do. You can do that and still remain faithful, whilst also ensuring the other person doesn't feel hurt or rejected too.
People get feelings for others all the time. Making someone feel ashamed will lead to a horrible working environment and will have seriously negative impacts on everyone.

The OP admitted she had feelings. The man explained his situation and put a boundary in place. He respected his wife and vows but also ensured that the OP never felt humiliated or led to even more awkwardness etc.
That isn't a bad man and it isn't a bad person either (OP).

I agree with this, by addressing it he was able to nip it in the bud and make sure the OP knew nothing was going to happen. If he’d said nothing the OP could’ve fallen deeper thinking she was in with a chance and maybe made a move that she’d regret and make working together a nightmare?
Saw something similar play out an office party and it didn’t end well. Line manager knew his secretary was crazy about him, didn’t put her straight right away and she made a fool of herself at the Christmas party in front of everyone. They were both single so no harm done in that sense but she was so embarrassed/heartbroken that she left soon after.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Making jokes about what their kids name would be, and keeping her 'safe' in that bubble of having her feelings known, and admiring him for keeping boundaries.. nahhhh, he liked knowing he was wanted. He should have said sorry, but no thanks and not entertain it in the slightest.

 

[Columbo]

Making jokes about what their kids name would be, and keeping her 'safe' in that bubble of having her feelings known, and admiring him for keeping boundaries.. nahhhh, he liked knowing he was wanted. He should have said sorry, but no thanks and not entertain it in the slightest.

I get where you’re coming from but maybe he just didn’t want to hurt her? Putting myself in his shoes I honestly can’t say for sure what I’d do, ignore it and hope for best or try to address it in a sensitive manner? Neither is ideal I guess.
I agree with you that he probably did get an ego boost from it but when he got married he didn’t vow not to be flattered by female attention, he vowed not to cheat.

 

[katyazamo]

Yes, when I was 17. So barely a "woman", I guess. I was working in a call centre (if you've ever worked in one, you'll know they're rife with people getting together) and was buddied up with a guy who was 25. We had a similar taste in music and got chatting. I fell for the guy so fast and I didn't really know any better, this was my first full-time job and also the first time I'd been around young adults.

So many red flags right there! But yeah. I remember he cycled round to my house to give me a gift when I turned 18. We'd hang out at his place and it was all very intense for a few months. He sent me a message at new year saying I was the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. I found out from a colleague that he had a girlfriend of 7 years so I confronted him and he said the relationship was all but over and they were living as flatmates. He said he thought she was seeing a guy from her work anyway. She was 32 and wanted to settle down and he didn't. I believed it. He never moved out of their place though so I'm sure that was all lies.

Looking back, I remember my line manager at the time winding me up about it but I don't know why he (or anyone else) didn't pull me aside and have a quiet word about what was going on. We never had sex (thank god) but I believe it was an emotional affair. I don't really know what the guy got out of it - validation I guess? He went a bit weird after about 8 months, I started seeing someone else closer to my age. We had a few chats about it and he said he found someone else (!) and few months later, he moved away to Poland to be with another woman. I've not spoken to him for 10+ years now. Strange guy. But good luck to him!

 

[judgejohndeed]

Yes but didn’t know it. Embarrassingly, I thought he had cheated on me and furiously asked the ‘other woman’ how long he had been cheating with her and if she really had no idea he was with me. I’d been seeing him about 6 months…they’d been together nearly 4 years. I would never go after someone who is involved with anyone else, and I have no idea how you can have a solid basis to your relationship knowing it started with one person being unfaithful to another. I just wouldn’t ever trust them. Like they say when a man marries the mistress there’s a vacancy

 

[sailorcherries]

Making jokes about what their kids name would be, and keeping her 'safe' in that bubble of having her feelings known, and admiring him for keeping boundaries.. nahhhh, he liked knowing he was wanted. He should have said sorry, but no thanks and not entertain it in the slightest.

Don't project on to this situation.
There is nothing to suggest be liked knowing he was wanted.
There is nothing to suggest it was some illicit secret.
He did a decent thing and made sure their working environment wasn't awkward or hostile. The joking around may or may not have been a part of that.
The OP made it clear that nothing ever happened - no secret rendezvous, no inappropriate messages, no little smiles or looks.

The man behaved well as did OP. If people have their own issues that's fine but don't tar everyone with the same brush.

 

[midsgirl0121]

This is a perfect thread for me because I'm in a situation I could do with some outside advice over.

I've been dating someone on and off for 18 months. Didn't realise he was sleeping around at the same time in the manner it appears he has. Without going into too much detail, he's military, has gone away on deployment for a while and will now be uncontactable for months.

The situation I am in, is that we had spoken about going on holiday together when he was back, I was invited round his parents house, he had spoken about what house we would buy etc. But we weren't specifically exclusive because he wanted to enjoy his time away on deployment and not worry about anyone else etc. Which I accepted. He left for deployment. Then 2 weeks later, I got a message saying he was now seeing someone else. He has gotten a 20 year old, what I can only describe as a child, pregnant whilst he was at home, only a day between us. He wouldn't block my number as I requested and had to beg him to so there was no line of communication between us.

Now I'm in a pickle as i think this girl deserves to know the truth and I want to message her and tell her, as she has no idea about me. But I don't know whether that's the right thing to do. He is nearly 10 years older than her. Should I send the message? I'm not going to be nasty to her it's not her fault I just think she deserves to know, and I don't think I deserve to be kept a secret for his benefit.

HELP!

 

[justheretoread99]

This is a perfect thread for me because I'm in a situation I could do with some outside advice over.

I've been dating someone on and off for 18 months. Didn't realise he was sleeping around at the same time in the manner it appears he has. Without going into too much detail, he's military, has gone away on deployment for a while and will now be uncontactable for months.

The situation I am in, is that we had spoken about going on holiday together when he was back, I was invited round his parents house, he had spoken about what house we would buy etc. But we weren't specifically exclusive because he wanted to enjoy his time away on deployment and not worry about anyone else etc. Which I accepted. He left for deployment. Then 2 weeks later, I got a message saying he was now seeing someone else. He has gotten a 20 year old, what I can only describe as a child, pregnant whilst he was at home, only a day between us. He wouldn't block my number as I requested and had to beg him to so there was no line of communication between us.

Now I'm in a pickle as i think this girl deserves to know the truth and I want to message her and tell her, as she has no idea about me. But I don't know whether that's the right thing to do. He is nearly 10 years older than her. Should I send the message? I'm not going to be nasty to her it's not her fault I just think she deserves to know, and I don't think I deserve to be kept a secret for his benefit.

HELP!

Oh god what a pickle. Firstly, dating for 18 months- most people would want to be in a relationship by that time. Red flag

Secondly, do you know 100% for sure she is pregnant and it’s his? If it is - sack him off. Just full on sack him off. Wants to live together but doesn’t want to be exclusive as he wants to enjoy his time on deployment? Second red flag selfish behaviour.

Thirdly, a 20 year old is not a child. You need to message her if this is all true. She’s deserves to know. Sooner rather than later. You also need to message him. Even if he’s in contactable you need to email/text/write to him and tell him what you know.

Id end it. He seems like a piece of tit.

 

[no-no]

This is a perfect thread for me because I'm in a situation I could do with some outside advice over.

I've been dating someone on and off for 18 months. Didn't realise he was sleeping around at the same time in the manner it appears he has. Without going into too much detail, he's military, has gone away on deployment for a while and will now be uncontactable for months.

The situation I am in, is that we had spoken about going on holiday together when he was back, I was invited round his parents house, he had spoken about what house we would buy etc. But we weren't specifically exclusive because he wanted to enjoy his time away on deployment and not worry about anyone else etc. Which I accepted. He left for deployment. Then 2 weeks later, I got a message saying he was now seeing someone else. He has gotten a 20 year old, what I can only describe as a child, pregnant whilst he was at home, only a day between us. He wouldn't block my number as I requested and had to beg him to so there was no line of communication between us.

Now I'm in a pickle as i think this girl deserves to know the truth and I want to message her and tell her, as she has no idea about me. But I don't know whether that's the right thing to do. He is nearly 10 years older than her. Should I send the message? I'm not going to be nasty to her it's not her fault I just think she deserves to know, and I don't think I deserve to be kept a secret for his benefit.

HELP!

There is no pickle, you need to block him and cut contact completely to salvage your dignity. You don’t need to beg him to block you Change your number if you have to. He was future faking with the house (look FF up). The family have seen it play out before, you won’t be the first or last.

I wouldn’t message the new girl. She’ll find out soon enough what he’s like. Move on with your life and work on your boundaries. Might seem harsh but you need to focus on yourself.

 

[Sea]

There has to be a poster who got involved knowing she was going to be the other women.
I can't believe theres not been a story yet where they admitted they jumped into a relationship fully aware that the man/woman already had a partner.


I can believe that they might be scared of being judged here.

ETA @ASAnigel just re read yours, so you did know he had a wife but didn't know he had kids?

 

[JoeBloggs]

This is a perfect thread for me because I'm in a situation I could do with some outside advice over.

I've been dating someone on and off for 18 months. Didn't realise he was sleeping around at the same time in the manner it appears he has. Without going into too much detail, he's military, has gone away on deployment for a while and will now be uncontactable for months.

The situation I am in, is that we had spoken about going on holiday together when he was back, I was invited round his parents house, he had spoken about what house we would buy etc. But we weren't specifically exclusive because he wanted to enjoy his time away on deployment and not worry about anyone else etc. Which I accepted. He left for deployment. Then 2 weeks later, I got a message saying he was now seeing someone else. He has gotten a 20 year old, what I can only describe as a child, pregnant whilst he was at home, only a day between us. He wouldn't block my number as I requested and had to beg him to so there was no line of communication between us.

Now I'm in a pickle as i think this girl deserves to know the truth and I want to message her and tell her, as she has no idea about me. But I don't know whether that's the right thing to do. He is nearly 10 years older than her. Should I send the message? I'm not going to be nasty to her it's not her fault I just think she deserves to know, and I don't think I deserve to be kept a secret for his benefit.

HELP!

You do not need to be asking him to block you, you need to block him.

You don’t owe the other woman anything, it is his mess and let him sort it out. She’ll find out eventually. You may just end up looking like the bitter ex/side piece.

I would cut all contact and move on. He clearly isn’t interested in actually settling down, after dating for 18 months and he still wants to mess around, NO. He cannot have his cake and eat it.