Has anyone who's been the other woman to a man in a marriage of "convenience", or "stayed for the kids", ever gone to find out that the marriage genuinely was just a sham and there was no emotional or physical intimacy?
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I wouldn't say people are defending 'the other woman' exactly, but I am surprised that some people don't think it's morally wrong to knowingly be that woman.
Similarly I would assume that anyone blaming the ‘other woman’ has been cheated on & has anger/bitterness over it & doesn’t want to think there may be any more to it than the woman is a witch who intended on destroying a family.
As someone who has been the other woman, as I stated above, I cannot say in general whether I blame the man, woman or both. As others have said I think every case is different. What I will say is that seeing how my cheating with a married man ruined MY life more than either his or his wife’s, I am strongly against cheating now & have even fallen out with friends over their cheating. Kind of like an ex-smoker who becomes the biggest anti-smoker going!
I do understand however what it feels like when you’re in the middle of it & I know it’s not always as cut & dry as some people make out.
It’s definitely an interesting topic.
As someone on the receiving end of the 'other woman' who know about me - she didnt intend on breaking up the family, at all. She didnt care. She didnt actually like the OH, it was simply attention that she enjoyed and courted. I dont blame her for the cheating, she didnt cheat on me lol. But i absolutely hold her accountable for being callous and knowingly entertaining him. The OH got all the actual blame. I thought they were both pathetic, selfish and insecure in that situation.
Its so very dismissive to label it as bitterness. but the impact of cheating can be so destructive?
Its so very dismissive to label it as bitterness. but the impact of cheating can be so destructive?
I absolutely agree, it can be so destructive & affect so many people, not just the immediate people involved. Families of married people are often intertwined & can lead to taking sides etc which is just awful for everyone.
This is my point though, every situation is different. In your case it definitely sounds like the woman was callous & didn’t have a care in the world for the harm she was inflicting. Can I ask if you feel that made it worse for you? Or would it have been worse if real love was involved. I’ve heard people say both, but equally neither is a “good” outcome is it? My friend said she felt able to forgive as she knew it was just a fling, not real love. Just interested in your opinion if you’re willing to share.
Apologies if I sounded dismissive; was not my intent at all.
It felt really cruel from her, as we had met and spoken before and Id actually made an effort to get to know her, asked after her etc. She had no basic respect for me as a person and it was wildly callous. I was discussed in the cheating as though it was all perfectly normal what was happening. She had a boyfriend that she was cheating on too. She was so insecure that she was reaching out for validation and attention. It would be SO easy to dislike her and direct anger at her, but I feel pity for her.
It hurt because he threw everything away on a confidence boost. He was an absolute bleep for it, so careless and so selfish. To not value what we had, ya know?
He 100000% got the blame. But she definitely got torn a new one for being so selfish and callous. If there was genuine attraction and feelings there, it would be a totally different hurt and heartache!I’m so incredibly sorry this happened to you. I think a lot of the time people cheat because as you say, it’s a confidence boost, they want attention, they like the power it gives them etc. It’s not even about real feelings & sometimes it doesn’t even matter who it is, it’s just a bit of excitement you know?It felt really cruel from her, as we had met and spoken before and Id actually made an effort to get to know her, asked after her etc. She had no basic respect for me as a person and it was wildly callous. I was discussed in the cheating as though it was all perfectly normal what was happening. She had a boyfriend that she was cheating on too. She was so insecure that she was reaching out for validation and attention. It would be SO easy to dislike her and direct anger at her, but I feel pity for her.
It hurt because he threw everything away on a confidence boost. He was an absolute bleep for it, so careless and so selfish. To not value what we had, ya know?
Yeh of course being an adult, being married, working full time, having kids etc can often feel monotonous & boring, but I’d rather be boring for the rest of my life than destroy a family like that over nothing.
I remember when things were really bad with my married man & I & he wouldn’t actually let me leave our flat. I remember thinking to myself over & over again, I don’t care if I’m single for the rest of my life, I don’t care if I’m miserable for the rest of my life, please just let me get out of this. Funny how the excitement can very quickly turn sour.
I think it's how you define a relationship ! for some it's only physical ,but for most people ( especially with children) the emotional aspect is paramount trust and stability is something a women assumes she has before she's brings a child into mix ,once that trust is broken it's hard to build again you leave yourself vulnerable, you say your life was ruined ? was that because you let your emotions take over ,just like his wife ? ...perfect example is Colleen Rooney was just reading about their new doc and love or dislike her I think she's stood by her man out of love not money, if only he could show her the same respect and decency , not judging her but she's let him off the hook so many times she'll always be a doormat in his eyes.
Good point! I think you’re right, a lot of people maybe have a fling which is just physical, but once the emotions become involved it takes on a new meaning. (Not saying that having a fling isn’t just as destructive to a relationship).
My life was ruined as I ended up being physically & sexually abused (see my post further up the thread). His wife was remarried within a year, he got off Scot-free & I ended up in hospital & still suffer physical & psychological effects to this day. I definitely got my karma!
Oh also, I agree about Coleen Rooney. I really wish she’d left him the first time & I agree, she would get plenty of money in a divorce settlement, I think she genuinely loves him. But how can they have any mutual respect any more?
When I was around 20 I had a relationship with a man who I was aware he was already in a relationship.
I at that time did not want any commitment. My partner had not long died and I was the mother of two small children .
it worked until I felt ready to move on and have a fully committed relationship. I’m still in that relationship 20 odd years later .
I have never cheated on him
The man who cheated with me went on and married the lady he was with and has two kids . They are still together .
He found religion
He has tried to contact me and asked me to meet him a few times but I never have .
I think to try and absolve his guilt .
I very much hold the view that the cheating falls down with the person in the relationship.
it’s not nice of course to be cheated on but if your relationship is worth it’s salt and has respect you wouldn’t do it .
I at that time did not want any commitment. My partner had not long died and I was the mother of two small children .
it worked until I felt ready to move on and have a fully committed relationship. I’m still in that relationship 20 odd years later .
I have never cheated on him
The man who cheated with me went on and married the lady he was with and has two kids . They are still together .
He found religion
He has tried to contact me and asked me to meet him a few times but I never have .
I think to try and absolve his guilt .
I very much hold the view that the cheating falls down with the person in the relationship.
it’s not nice of course to be cheated on but if your relationship is worth it’s salt and has respect you wouldn’t do it .
I'm sorry you've had so much suffering x ...Karma maybe
but that's how emotions affect a person ,my own brother is one of those men. I've cut him off for not only that but a lot of other things ,I also have very close friends on both sides of the fence ,one the other woman and one the doormat and neither have ended up in a good place ,emotionally / physically ,a lot of drink and drugs , MH problems/ low self esteem ,it's strange they've basically ended up the same even though one valued her longterm relationship enough to have children while the other didn't see anything wrong with sleeping with anothers man, until she unintentially got pregnant and he didn't want to know his daughter 
...You've obviously learned from your mistake you can't beat yourself up forever .......I don't think Wayne respects her at all ,he just takes her for granted. I'd doubt she'll ever leave him but she must be broken inside 
Yup know of a few
I think its cos my opinion of men is so low, i couldnt stand to give a bloke a sense of satisfaction of cheating through me 
There are situations where you could understanding the reasons for why some end up getting involved - like the poster above who was bereaved. It still doesnt excuse it, imo, but I can understand getting caught up in the moment with it. Or with the men that manipulate others, love bomb etc.
There are situations where you could understanding the reasons for why some end up getting involved - like the poster above who was bereaved. It still doesnt excuse it, imo, but I can understand getting caught up in the moment with it. Or with the men that manipulate others, love bomb etc.
He can and does whatever he likes in the full knowledge that all she'll do is clear off on another holiday with the kids, take off her ring for a week or two, he'll buy her some designer handbag or nicknacks and it'll be all OK again. That oaf learns nothing from these episodes because she just reverts back for a quiet life for her and the children little knowing the effects on THEM as boys who will think its perfectly OK to behave like Daddy does since Mummy doesn't mind being made to look a bloody fool when Daddy is drunk again, draped across some bint in a club snogging her face off. Coleen could do so much better for herself and yet there she is tolerating every darned thing he does to her whether that be because of strong Family Values, her thinking its Best For The Children to have both parents together or simply that she loves him so much she's prepared to put up with his tit, for better or worse
Its no wonder she never smiles any moreShe's probably clinging on to the hope she can change him ,and he'll be telling her last time was the ' last time ' but the new handbag's not cutting it anymore and like you say the kids are seeing dad walking all over mum, she can hide it when they're younger but her eldest boy is old enough to read and understand what's going on he'll either resent him or like his mum turn a blind eye and maybe go on to do the same in his own relationship. I'd doubt he'd even care if she left him now he'd party hard ,it's not until his later years he'd see the damage when he's sat there alone feeling sorry for himself with the latest 20yr old bint taking him for all he's worth ,only then he'd truly appreciate what genuine feelings are instead of throwing them in her face.He can and does whatever he likes in the full knowledge that all she'll do is clear off on another holiday with the kids, take off her ring for a week or two, he'll buy her some designer handbag or nicknacks and it'll be all OK again. That oaf learns nothing from these episodes because she just reverts back for a quiet life for her and the children little knowing the effects on THEM as boys who will think its perfectly OK to behave like Daddy does since Mummy doesn't mind being made to look a bloody fool when Daddy is drunk again, draped across some bint in a club snogging her face off. Coleen could do so much better for herself and yet there she is tolerating every darned thing he does to her whether that be because of strong Family Values, her thinking its Best For The Children to have both parents together or simply that she loves him so much she's prepared to put up with his tit, for better or worse
I have been the other woman a few times in my early 20's. The first time I was 20 and he was in his early 30's, I didn't find out he was married with kids until a few months in, did I end it there and then? No, it carried on for a few more months and then I ended it. I had one night stands with a couple of men at my workplace knowing they were in relationships when I was about 24.
I then got asked by one of my best friends Dad's to be his bit on the side, no strings, just sex etc etc when I was 29 and I was so shocked and disgusted. I've never told my friend and seeing her dad at family parties is very awkward.
I then got asked by one of my best friends Dad's to be his bit on the side, no strings, just sex etc etc when I was 29 and I was so shocked and disgusted. I've never told my friend and seeing her dad at family parties is very awkward.
Don't think you owe people basic decency and respect though regardless of whether they're the wife or random joe Bloggs on the street? In the same vain that you wouldn't spit on random people when you walk past them in the street because it would be disrespectful.
The person cheating is absolutely not showing basic decency and respect and is a cheating arse but if you are knowingly enabling someone to cheat then you aren't offering basic decency and respect to the cheated party either. It may not be AS bad but it's still disrespectful and you are still involved in a wrong behaviour knowingly.
I mean did I ever say I had been the other woman?
dunno why you’re coming for me like I’ve shagged your fella.I said on one of the earlier pages on this thread that everybody with a brain cell knows sleeping with somebody else’s partner is wrong. I’ve never disputed that, but there are so many situations where somebody could find themselves as the other woman. In my PERSONAL OPINION nobody owes anybody they’re not committed too or don’t have a friendship with anything.
My view is that whilst ‘the other women’ knows it’s wrong, she doesn’t owe anybody anything. The husband/partner who made decision to cheat is the one who owes decency and respect. Everybody consistently talks about the women being the enabler, like they’re too blame. Almost like they forced this poor man to cheat.
I didnt mean you personally. Just like you as in "one" so I apologise if it comes across like was coming at you personally. I was just replying to your post.I mean did I ever say I had been the other woman?
I said on one of the earlier pages on this thread that everybody with a brain cell knows sleeping with somebody else’s partner is wrong. I’ve never disputed that, but there are so many situations where somebody could find themselves as the other woman. In my PERSONAL OPINION nobody owes anybody they’re not committed too or don’t have a friendship with anything.
My view is that whilst ‘the other women’ knows it’s wrong, she doesn’t owe anybody anything. The husband/partner who made decision to cheat is the one who owes decency and respect. Everybody consistently talks about the women being the enabler, like they’re too blame. Almost like they forced this poor man to cheat.
I don't think anyone is disputing that the cheater is the main person in the wrong though. You're all acting as if people are just coming for the woman on this thread and I know people do that in real life sometimes but no one here has said that the man involved is not a grade A, 100% dick. Also no one is arguing that you can force a person to cheat. If you're going to cheat, youre going to cheat regardless of who that's with
I confronted the other woman and was basically told she wanted what I had. Not in the way that she set out to 'get me' as it were, more that she saw a man she felt was attractive and decent and led him on. He was the bigger twit though of course.
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