“The other women”

[Rita Chevrolet]

yes, and it nearly broke me. But then I realised, like someone else said, that even if he left her for me he would cheat still. I think I mentioned he’s now in a relationship with another woman he cheated on his wife with, and that seems to be all rosy but I deliberately keep a distance from home these days so who really knows

Once upon a time there was a seriel cheat, a famous bloke called Sir James Goldsmith who always had a string of mistresses alongside his long-suffering fool of a wife. Time came when wife finally had enough so the longest serving mistress had a shot at being "Wife" after years if being strung along, thus she took on the role eagerly presumably thinking he'd change once they were finally married.

Quote from the man himself on the marriage - "When you marry The Mistress it creates a vacancy........................"

She got instead exactly what she'd been doing to someone else for years No sympathy

 

[sailorcherries]

Reading this thread it does make me believe that non-monogamy is probably better suited to some people than the monogamous norm that we are led to believe in.

 

[Rita Chevrolet]

Reading this thread it does make me believe that non-monogamy is probably better suited to some people than the monogamous norm that we are led to believe in.

Indeed. Its just as shame that the non-monogamous folks don't keep their antics between themselves with other like-minded souls rather than involve others who do not wish to join in their fun & games; It only ever ends in pain and anguish for somebody

 

[MensaBarbie1985]

I was the other woman... I didn't know I had been until we split up and I found out that he was already seeing someone when he met me (he told me they'd split up months earlier). He did break up with her after we got together officially - I did find it strange that she had blocked me on all social media when I was nosy - I'm guessing that's because she'd seen we were officially in a relationship! I did tag him in our Facebook relationship status but it doesn't show on his page

He then proceeded to have a string of other women during our relationship - he told them all we had split. He now has a new girlfriend who he took on their first date the same day he ended things with me - yet I've had snotty messages from her telling me that she was never the other woman as there was no overlap (obviously they must have been talking while we were still together) and trying to tell me why our relationship didn't work...witch

This man is a narcissistic toxic man child who constantly plays the victim. After years of medication and therapy I was in a really good place when I met him and now I'm right back to the start again - it's put me off ever getting into another relationship again

Sorry...just needed to vent

 

[Rita Chevrolet]

I was the other woman... I didn't know I had been until we split up and I found out that he was already seeing someone when he met me (he told me they'd split up months earlier). He did break up with her after we got together officially - I did find it strange that she had blocked me on all social media when I was nosy - I'm guessing that's because she'd seen we were officially in a relationship! I did tag him in our Facebook relationship status but it doesn't show on his page

He then proceeded to have a string of other women during our relationship - he told them all we had split. He now has a new girlfriend who he took on their first date the same day he ended things with me - yet I've had snotty messages from her telling me that she was never the other woman as there was no overlap (obviously they must have been talking while we were still together) and trying to tell me why our relationship didn't work...witch

This man is a narcissistic toxic man child who constantly plays the victim. After years of medication and therapy I was in a really good place when I met him and now I'm right back to the start again - it's put me off ever getting into another relationship again

Sorry...just needed to vent

Vent away my love - you have every right to! This bloke is the worst of the worst but madam will find that out for herself soon enough

She's only messaging you because she feels guilty and wants to try to ease that guilt by sending you pathetic excuses, but be assured he will hurt HER just as he has left broken wreckage in his path so many times before and he will continue to do so until someone does it to HIM, when he's the one left behind shattered to pieces by betrayal and lies. When that day comes you can look back and smile because you escaped him

 

[sailorcherries]

Indeed. Its just as shame that the non-monogamous folks don't keep their antics between themselves with other like-minded souls rather than involve others who do not wish to join in their fun & games; It only ever ends in pain and anguish for somebody

Agreed.
I do think that, for some of those people who do cheat, it is because monogamy is pushed as the only lifestyle option and anything else isn't/wasn't widely spoken about and when it was it was viewed as so wrong (including, but not limited to, open relationships or polygamy).

I am not excusing behaviour but those people who seem genuinely remorseful at hurting someone else may fit in to those categories.

A slightly similar parallel to people entering in to heterosexual relationships because of the hetronormative message society pushes out. It is definitely not the same but I can draw similarities between them.

 

[MensaBarbie1985]

Vent away my love - you have every right to! This bloke is the worst of the worst but madam will find that out for herself soon enough

She's only messaging you because she feels guilty and wants to try to ease that guilt by sending you pathetic excuses, but be assured he will hurt HER just as he has left broken wreckage in his path so many times before and he will continue to do so until someone does it to HIM, when he's the one left behind shattered to pieces by betrayal and lies. When that day comes you can look back and smile because you escaped him

I absolutely can't wait for it to happen to her... he seems to get bored after about six months so her days are numbered. She knows how I feel about her and has been posting stuff about me online (naming me) talking about 'be kind' - she doesn't seem to realise that not everyone deserves my kindness! We have friends in common who have actually stopped speaking to her because they've warned her about him and she gets all defensive and refuses to listen

His ex wife contacted me after we split to tell me the real story about what happened when they were together - including pictures of her bruises after he kicked her down the stairs in front of their children (the new girl has 3 young kids) - I forwarded them all to the new girl but she still wouldn't believe me. It hasn't helped that apparently the ex wife contacted her and said it was all lies and I'd practically forced her to say those things - not sure how I'm able to manipulate what people send me but it shows what a hold he still has over her when he's told her to contact new girl and say she'd lied... I know friends of hers who were there through the entire thing so I know it's the truth!

 

[Rita Chevrolet]

I absolutely can't wait for it to happen to her... he seems to get bored after about six months so her days are numbered. She knows how I feel about her and has been posting stuff about me online (naming me) talking about 'be kind' - she doesn't seem to realise that not everyone deserves my kindness! We have friends in common who have actually stopped speaking to her because they've warned her about him and she gets all defensive and refuses to listen

His ex wife contacted me after we split to tell me the real story about what happened when they were together - including pictures of her bruises after he kicked her down the stairs in front of their children (the new girl has 3 young kids) - I forwarded them all to the new girl but she still wouldn't believe me. It hasn't helped that apparently the ex wife contacted her and said it was all lies and I'd practically forced her to say those things - not sure how I'm able to manipulate what people send me but it shows what a hold he still has over her when he's told her to contact new girl and say she'd lied... I know friends of hers who were there through the entire thing so I know it's the truth!

Oooh he's an absolute charmer! You my love are well rid of him!
What you need to do is block his ex-wife and that dopey bint he's currently with so you don't have to hear any more of the shite he's feeding them, then get yourself out and about to meet NEW people then make a new life for yourself without these poisonous creatures sticking their oar in. Draw a line under the sorry mess and walk away, leave them to marinade in their own muck with him Listen - he's done you a massive favour and freed you from it so look on it as a Blessing not a disaster, walk away head held high

And Be Kind - what bollocks! Block the silly cow and have done with it!!

 

[sailorcherries]

I absolutely can't wait for it to happen to her... he seems to get bored after about six months so her days are numbered. She knows how I feel about her and has been posting stuff about me online (naming me) talking about 'be kind' - she doesn't seem to realise that not everyone deserves my kindness! We have friends in common who have actually stopped speaking to her because they've warned her about him and she gets all defensive and refuses to listen

His ex wife contacted me after we split to tell me the real story about what happened when they were together - including pictures of her bruises after he kicked her down the stairs in front of their children (the new girl has 3 young kids) - I forwarded them all to the new girl but she still wouldn't believe me. It hasn't helped that apparently the ex wife contacted her and said it was all lies and I'd practically forced her to say those things - not sure how I'm able to manipulate what people send me but it shows what a hold he still has over her when he's told her to contact new girl and say she'd lied... I know friends of hers who were there through the entire thing so I know it's the truth!

As much as he may have destroyed everything you worked hard to achieve it was definitely a blessing to be rid of him. He is an abuser.

His ex wife probably said those things because of the fear of him she still lives with - not just for her but for her children with him too.
I'd also go out on a limb and say that yes this girl is being a dick about things but there is every chance she is also being abused and, as hard as it is, not to take it personally.

 

[Rita Chevrolet]

As much as he may have destroyed everything you worked hard to achieve it was definitely a blessing to be rid of him. He is an abuser.

His ex wife probably said those things because of the fear of him she still lives with - not just for her but for her children with him too.
I'd also go out on a limb and say that yes this girl is being a dick about things but there is every chance she is also being abused and, as hard as it is, not to take it personally.

and meanwhile he's savouring every single minute of it as at least three women squabble over him . He's the one stirring the pot getting those two to have a go at you so get the hell away from him, block him and them then leave them to their poisonous menage à trois Out there is a decent bloke waiting to be found

 

[Amyx1518]

Nothing happened and it was all over texts but when I was about 17 I was chatting to a bloke a bit older maybe mid20’s who I knew had a kid but he told me he and his ex had split. Turned out they hadn’t. They had another kid but now he’s married to someone else. It was like 12 years ago now.

My most recent ex has sent me a few flirty messages since we’ve been split, and he has a new missus. Scumbag lol

 

[Blue pumpkin]

It's the mentality of certain women that gets me. Like the other woman is a man stealer or marriage wrecker as if their partner has no control. You can't make/force someone to have an affair/cheat.

Is any sane woman looking for love going to get involved with a fella who says 'yeah I'm happily married and love my wife loads'
I've had two married colleagues try it on with me. Non stop flirting, being overly helpful and charming etc. One would drop hints/lies about being in unhappy/stale relationship, general sob stories about no one understands me and being under stress at home. He used to say things to me like 'you make my day brighter' and 'you get me more than I get me'. It's all manipulation and predatory behaviour that some don't recognise.

I didn't even know the other one was married. Never spoke about family/wife. Even tho I didn't like him I assumed he was single until someone told me that he takes his wedding ring off as soon as he reaches work and puts it back on again when he leaves.

Some women don't even find out the man they're with is married until months down the line when he's already reeled them in emotionally, which is horrifying, yet they're to blame.

It's a different matter if anyone knowingly gets involved but then that should mean two people are at fault and are equally to blame, not just piling most of the blame on the woman

Calling women horrible names and not the man is just internalised mysogny. Why not call them both nasty names instead of directing soley at the female.

 

[WilmaHun]

It's the mentality of certain women that gets me. Like the other woman is a man stealer or marriage wrecker as if their partner has no control. You can't make/force someone to have an affair/cheat.

Is any sane woman looking for love going to get involved with a fella who says 'yeah I'm happily married and love my wife loads'
I've had two married colleagues try it on with me. Non stop flirting, being overly helpful and charming etc. One would drop hints/lies about being in unhappy/stale relationships, general sob stories about no one understands me and being under stress at home. He used to say things to me like 'you make my day brighter' and 'you get me more than I get me'. It's all manipulation and predatory behaviour that some don't recognise.

I didn't even know the other one was married. Never spoke about family/wife. Even tho I didn't like him I assumed he was single until someone told me that he takes his wedding ring off as soon as he reaches work and puts it back on again when he leaves.

Some women don't even find out the man they're with is married until months down the line when he's already reeled them in emotionally, which is horrifying.

It's a different matter if anyone knowingly gets involved but then that should mean two people are at fault and are equally to blame, not just piling most of the blame on the woman

Calling women horrible names and not the man is just internalised mysogny. Why not call them both nasty names instead of directing soley at the female.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

It's the mentality of certain women that gets me. Like the other woman is a man stealer or marriage wrecker as if their partner has no control. You can't make/force someone to have an affair/cheat.

Is any sane woman looking for love going to get involved with a fella who says 'yeah I'm happily married and love my wife loads'
I've had two married colleagues try it on with me. Non stop flirting, being overly helpful and charming etc. One would drop hints/lies about being in unhappy/stale relationship, general sob stories about no one understands me and being under stress at home. He used to say things to me like 'you make my day brighter' and 'you get me more than I get me'. It's all manipulation and predatory behaviour that some don't recognise.

I didn't even know the other one was married. Never spoke about family/wife. Even tho I didn't like him I assumed he was single until someone told me that he takes his wedding ring off as soon as he reaches work and puts it back on again when he leaves.

Some women don't even find out the man they're with is married until months down the line when he's already reeled them in emotionally, which is horrifying, yet they're to blame.

It's a different matter if anyone knowingly gets involved but then that should mean two people are at fault and are equally to blame, not just piling most of the blame on the woman

Calling women horrible names and not the man is just internalised mysogny. Why not call them both nasty names instead of directing soley at the female.

Agreed! Its easier to throw tit at the woman than confront the truth of the man choosing to cheat.

 

[ASAnigel]

That was what always got to me, that I was the one that was MOSTLY at fault apparently.
I have and always will take full responsibility for my part in the whole thing - I would never try to deny being in the wrong.
HOWEVER, he was much older than me and I was in my early 20s and he was the one with the family telling me what I wanted to hear.
But let’s just say I was the predatory one that went looking for an affair - he’s still the one with the wife and kids at home that he’s chosen to put at risk and there’s no way I’d be able to make him cheat if he didn’t want to?
Yet it frequently seems to be the other woman that gets the blame and all the hate

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

That was what always got to me, that I was the one that was MOSTLY at fault apparently.
I have and always will take full responsibility for my part in the whole thing - I would never try to deny being in the wrong.
HOWEVER, he was much older than me and I was in my early 20s and he was the one with the family telling me what I wanted to hear.
But let’s just say I was the predatory one that went looking for an affair - he’s still the one with the wife and kids at home that he’s chosen to put at risk and there’s no way I’d be able to make him cheat if he didn’t want to?
Yet it frequently seems to be the other woman that gets the blame and all the hate

It seems to be like that -

wives know that their partners are weak or have questionable morals or cannot say no to a good thing or are sex starved and have accepted this

so they kind or rely on other women to "do the right thing" and never ever get involved with a married man and if they do then they are being hated

 

[Misbehaving]

Some really interesting conversations on this topic one thing sticks out a mile though and I'm hearing this again and again.
Obviously this is not true for everyone but the very high percentage of men knowingly and actively telling lies being secretive and hiding the truth is astounding!
That's a really bad basis for intamacy and relationships (and yes I have been on the receiving end)
So some men will deliberately be two faced devious and put a false spin on things just so they can get what they want?
It's not passion it's not spontaneous it's not a case of I got carried away and couldn't help myself it's something that is calculated and planned.
That thought leaves me cold tbh.
In a lot of scenarios women are targeted and even groomed especially if their is a big discrepancy between ages or status?
There is something creepy and malevolent about it?
It looks like in most cases the man holds most of the cards?
Not to say that all women are victims far from it and yet it's quite depressing how many men will try and find a woman that they can manipulate and have a hold over
Then for example if women try to turn the tables and play a man at his own game i.e Just use a man for sex a lot of people feel instinctively outraged!.
The fact is though if a man decides to be a misogynist and I think a man who has a wife and children and basically denies their existence or what is worse complains about them is exactly that? Well the affair is nothing to do with love but only power and desire?
Sick of (some) men having their cake and eating it too and being seen as virile or a bit of a lad and I have to say so many people enable this view!
Again not saying that women are never guilty but sometimes it feels as if we just can't win in this scenario? The odds are stacked against us and 9 times out of 10 we get called out sometimes attacked by other women and stand to lose a lot?
Including jobs mental health self respect and reputation?
It's hardly fair is it?
Society is still massively hypocritical and full of double standards and moralising in regards to women's sexuality as if all women are innate sluts (hate that word so sorry to use it) and all it takes is the attention of any man and whoa there chaos ensues and all hell breaks loose!
Why can't we just be free to be who we are without censure without fear and without being reprimanded like naughty children or demonised?
It's clear to me that for all the talk about equality still nothing much has changed and women are still expected to take all the responsibility most of the fall out and to hold ourselves to standards of behaviour that really are just about impossible to live up to?
Everything that's presumed to be messy or difficult or disturbing is regularly thrown at our door and we are expected to just deal with it!
Even if it wasn't our fault and then if it is (our fault) again comes the condemnation!
It's very unequal and lopsided isn't it?
I do not think women in society on the whole are respected enough and sometimes that lack of respect gets internalised and sometimes we can do stupid or self sabotaging things because of that?
It would be nice if sometimes people understood this and also another thing is not to condemn women if just occasionally they find themselves in a good position and actually get some pleasure from this insidious and prevalent battle of the sexes (because a lot of the time that's what it can boil down to?).
I think most of us are aware that this is not something that we really want but it's a learning curve and mistakes are made and who hasn't been attracted to someone who lied or someone with a hidden agenda and then lived to regret it?
It's the experience that ultimately and hopefully makes us stronger and wiser it helps a lot of us to find our limitations and find our disillusionment and then with patience and strength move beyond that?
Men are allowed to do that (even though a lot of them don't) we should have the same chance surely?

 

[37BBL]

When I was much younger I was the other woman. I didn't know and thought they had separated until I clocked him in a nightclub all over her, one of her friends told me they had never stopped seeing each other. He was my first in every sense, and I proper fell for him, and he made me feel like tit. He did the classic spin it round on me saying we were only ever seeing each other and I shouldn't have assumed we weren't allowed to be with other people. When I met someone new he sent me a heap of messages saying he hoped my new fella would treat me better than he ever did. I still see him as we live in the same town, makes me shudder.

Similar to another poster I have had married or partnered colleagues send questionable messages. I'm married now so obviously nothing happened but I imagine some do get sucked in.

 

[TrolleyParton]

I went through a bit of a phase in my 20s of hooking up with attached dudes. It was mostly a self-protection thing after being really fucked around and badly hurt in relationships - I could have fun knowing it could never go anywhere, I didn't expect anything from any of these people because they were already spoken for, and I wasn't waiting around naively believing that they were going to leave their significant others or anything like that. But it was crappy harmful behaviour, and I'm ashamed of it. I was ultimately in a phase of being very self-destructive and I've grown out of it now. I wouldn't knowingly do it these days. Two things I will say though - cheating is unbelievably common, like 100 times more common than you think and so many people people do it so bleeping casually. And, it's actually almost easier to hook up with an attached man than a single one, a lot of attached men are just desperate for some kind of variety, whereas most single dudes seem to think they're going to end up marrying Rihanna.

 

[Rita Chevrolet]

It's the mentality of certain women that gets me. Like the other woman is a man stealer or marriage wrecker as if their partner has no control. You can't make/force someone to have an affair/cheat.

Is any sane woman looking for love going to get involved with a fella who says 'yeah I'm happily married and love my wife loads'
I've had two married colleagues try it on with me. Non stop flirting, being overly helpful and charming etc. One would drop hints/lies about being in unhappy/stale relationship, general sob stories about no one understands me and being under stress at home. He used to say things to me like 'you make my day brighter' and 'you get me more than I get me'. It's all manipulation and predatory behaviour that some don't recognise.

I didn't even know the other one was married. Never spoke about family/wife. Even tho I didn't like him I assumed he was single until someone told me that he takes his wedding ring off as soon as he reaches work and puts it back on again when he leaves.

Some women don't even find out the man they're with is married until months down the line when he's already reeled them in emotionally, which is horrifying, yet they're to blame.

It's a different matter if anyone knowingly gets involved but then that should mean two people are at fault and are equally to blame, not just piling most of the blame on the woman

Calling women horrible names and not the man is just internalised mysogny. Why not call them both nasty names instead of directing soley at the female.

I blamed both my slug-like ex-husband and the ugly old dollop specifically because they were both fully aware of what they were doing and it did not matter at all, equally they did it regardless of the two babies whose childhoods they destroyed through their sordid affair.

Likewise I did not only blame her because they were equally at fault & as such they earned an equal share of the Wrath of Khan that descended upon them