The impacts of sex work

[rosarosa]

Another former SW here - summary of my experience below. Have spoilered parts that relate to sexual trauma.

I started as a stripper at 19, and about a year later this became “full service” sex work (initially not my choice and was somewhat groomed into it by club manager and an older dancer, then I started finding my own clients). I settled into a well-paid sugar arrangement for the last year or so and had exited completely by age 23. I was lucky because I also had a degree, and I was able to move into a well-paying profession in finance. Interestingly, at 35 I’m only now earning the same weekly/monthly wage I used to get from SW when I was 20. But if you deduct all the money I’ve spent on therapy for the PTSD*, plus a shopping addiction that got way out of hand, the profit margins are not that great.

I wouldn’t recommend it as a quick buck. It can be dangerous, and it’s a psychologically very difficult job to do and stay sane. I also live with a huge secret from almost everyone in my life. That’s hard too.

At a young age and with poor mental health, it was not right for me. I wouldn’t say it’s wrong for everybody but the way it is generally portrayed (as either horror or glamour) is unhelpful for anyone seriously considering it.

My experience: equal parts banal, disturbing and exciting. I found it quite addictive. I also came to harm on several occasions (clients and one manager). But it also paid for me to take a year out after uni and focus on improving my mental health, which I needed despite the SW.

It is difficult for me to separate the mental harm from SW from other possible causes. Sex work did not help, and I had some very traumatic incidents during that time. I was also sexually assaulted by a much older family member as a child, and in a weird way sex work enabled me to get in touch with / act out feelings that I had repressed. Again, hard for me to imagine my life having happened any other way.

I’m generally pretty good now, health wise, and relationship-wise. It has taken a lot of hard work and time to get there. Many will not have the privileges that I did.

I am on the fence re the best legal model for sex work but one thing I know for sure is that it is not properly understood. The govt commissioned a study from Bristol uni a couple of years ago to estimate the number of people in SW. The researchers concluded it’s impossible to say. Couple this with simplistic media portrayals of the job, and I’m concerned that the argument about legal model is missing the point. Neither model will better equip or people entering, working in, or exiting the industry if we don’t understand their lives better.

Happy to answer qs on any of this.

*PTSD from sex work, not the City

 

[If you say so...]

Another former SW here - summary of my experience below. Have spoilered parts that relate to sexual trauma.

I started as a stripper at 19, and about a year later this became “full service” sex work (initially not my choice and was somewhat groomed into it by club manager and an older dancer, then I started finding my own clients). I settled into a well-paid sugar arrangement for the last year or so and had exited completely by age 23. I was lucky because I also had a degree, and I was able to move into a well-paying profession in finance. Interestingly, at 35 I’m only now earning the same weekly/monthly wage I used to get from SW when I was 20. But if you deduct all the money I’ve spent on therapy for the PTSD*, plus a shopping addiction that got way out of hand, the profit margins are not that great.

I wouldn’t recommend it as a quick buck. It can be dangerous, and it’s a psychologically very difficult job to do and stay sane. I also live with a huge secret from almost everyone in my life. That’s hard too.

At a young age and with poor mental health, it was not right for me. I wouldn’t say it’s wrong for everybody but the way it is generally portrayed (as either horror or glamour) is unhelpful for anyone seriously considering it.

My experience: equal parts banal, disturbing and exciting. I found it quite addictive. I also came to harm on several occasions (clients and one manager). But it also paid for me to take a year out after uni and focus on improving my mental health, which I needed despite the SW.

It is difficult for me to separate the mental harm from SW from other possible causes. Sex work did not help, and I had some very traumatic incidents during that time. I was also sexually assaulted by a much older family member as a child, and in a weird way sex work enabled me to get in touch with / act out feelings that I had repressed. Again, hard for me to imagine my life having happened any other way.

I’m generally pretty good now, health wise, and relationship-wise. It has taken a lot of hard work and time to get there. Many will not have the privileges that I did.

I am on the fence re the best legal model for sex work but one thing I know for sure is that it is not properly understood. The govt commissioned a study from Bristol uni a couple of years ago to estimate the number of people in SW. The researchers concluded it’s impossible to say. Couple this with simplistic media portrayals of the job, and I’m concerned that the argument about legal model is missing the point. Neither model will better equip or people entering, working in, or exiting the industry if we don’t understand their lives better.

Happy to answer qs on any of this.

*PTSD from sex work, not the City

I just feel so sad for you, sending lots of love! i remember a friend of a stripper that went on to create a rival to OF had a friend in a similar situation to you and I could see they had both been through trauma even though they tried to proclaim they were in control it seemed so obvious to me that they might not have been

 

[rosarosa]

I just feel so sad for you, sending lots of love! i remember a friend of a stripper that went on to create a rival to OF had a friend in a similar situation to you and I could see they had both been through trauma even though they tried to proclaim they were in control it seemed so obvious to me that they might not have been

It was a sad period, but I’m v lucky with how things turned out and have tons to be grateful for. I feel I should stress it won’t always turn out that way, but equally it would be wrong of me to paint it as a sad ending. I have a lovely life!

It did give me a lot of insights into people (especially certain kinds of men) and whilst I wouldn’t recommend it to my younger self, I have reached a point where I accept it as part of my life.

You’re right about the narrative of control. If you had asked me at the time I would have said it was 100% my choice, and that it was empowering. I pushed away any information that didn’t support that view. And I didn’t actually face up to the traumatic parts until about 10 years afterwards. Classic PTSD avoidance basically. This is why I think it is so hard to study this population.

 

[Renata]

@rosarosa

Sorry to hear about your trauma.

Could you elaborate- what was the typical punter like?

Was it mostly sexual ?

How did it change your view of men?

 

[Brigitjonesbuttcheek]

When i think about it now; I don't wish I had been paid - mainly because of the stigma attached. but in the same way i sort of feel aggrieved that I was degraded for free because i felt it was expected of me. i'm really conflicted which is why i'm interested in peoples opinions and experiences!

Sorry I know this thread has probably moved on, but I just want to say that any sex that isn't enthusiastically concented to is bad. In a perfect world no one should feel the need to engage in sex they don't really want. That's why we need to empower young people, and teach them about the worth of their own bodies. Because we're all worth more than £150 an hour, and in the long run,that hour will cost you more than just your time.

 

[rosarosa]

@rosarosa

Sorry to hear about your trauma.

Could you elaborate- what was the typical punter like?

Was it mostly sexual ?

How did it change your view of men?

The men I met were mostly 40-55, professional/well-paid jobs, middle class, married. So far so cliched. They varied in temperament / personality - some were polite/pleasant, others abusive. The thing is it’s a largely fake and time-limited interaction - you are seeing what that person wants to portray for the hour(s) they are with you. Whether that’s powerful, desirable, or “nice”.

When I said the job was psychologically difficult for me, this ^ is what I mean - I had to be so switched on. Partly for safety, because there are some who get a kick out of pushing boundaries. But also just for keeping customers - I found that the “nice” guys still expected me to behave in a certain way. I think I saw it as “professionalism” to act along, but I quite quickly lost sight of myself by doing that and it made me more vulnerable overall. I feel like I’m not explaining myself v well there, hopefully you get the jist.

I will say there were times when I felt like I “won” the game and I found that unbelievably thrilling. It’s a bit warped obviously but this is what I think of when I hear people talk about “empowerment”.

All my meet-ups involved sex. Most were entirely sexual in the sense of very little real conversation. There were some who also wanted deep-and-meaningfuls but as I mention above, I saw this as a performance (at least on my part, maybe also on theirs). It was more tiring for me than sex. There was one very unpleasant customer I had where degradation/abuse was clearly a goal for him, as well as sex. When people say that all SW is like rape, I can’t say I agree, because I’ve experienced both and they are different.

At the time, it really tainted my view of men. I kind of went off sex in my personal life. I had a great therapist in the last year of my time as a SW, who really helped me get a healthier view of relationships. I met my husband a year after I exited, and it’s a healthy relationship. There were a few difficult years in the marriage when I was dealing with trauma.

My time in SW also gave me an insight into how some men want to be perceived, in private. It made me less intimidated by older and/or sexist men in the corporate workplace, for example.

 

[ChinaHouse_0x]

Just read Kerry Katona has earned £1million on Only Fans selling nude and feet photos.

I’m not sure what message these articles send to young people when she said it was easy.

 

[Brigitjonesbuttcheek]

I'd take anything Kerry Katona says with a pinch of salt.

It also just struck me that OF could be used for money laundering, or to sell illegal goods and make it look like a legal transaction. I'm really not convinced people are making big bucks from just selling nide pics, not when there is so much free porn available.

 

[NeverEnough]

BBC article on Only Fans

This was a really interesting (if not infuriating) article on how little control and protection service users of Only Fans have against abuse, racism, stalking and harassment. The subscribers are given refunds, no matter how deplorable the behaviour.

Meanwhile, the CEO is cosplaying an 80s yuppie on Instagram

View attachment 668603

Well based on that article if “Victoria May” is indeed earning £700,000 per year in three short years she will be a multimillionaire and can delete her accounts and live a comfortable life going forward. So not seeing the problem here. If it’s so harmful, but she is making millions then leave the platform.

Is money really that important to her? Am I supposed to be feeling sorry for someone who places material wealth above their own safety and well-being?

 

[Lillyloo]

Just read Kerry Katona has earned £1million on Only Fans selling nude and feet photos.

I’m not sure what message these articles send to young people when she said it was easy.

Imagine paying for pictures of Kerry Katonas feet

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Kerry Katona is chatting absolute shite!!!! Don’t believe a word of it!!!!!!

 

[katyazamo]

The men I met were mostly 40-55, professional/well-paid jobs, middle class, married. So far so cliched. They varied in temperament / personality - some were polite/pleasant, others abusive. The thing is it’s a largely fake and time-limited interaction - you are seeing what that person wants to portray for the hour(s) they are with you. Whether that’s powerful, desirable, or “nice”.

When I said the job was psychologically difficult for me, this ^ is what I mean - I had to be so switched on. Partly for safety, because there are some who get a kick out of pushing boundaries. But also just for keeping customers - I found that the “nice” guys still expected me to behave in a certain way. I think I saw it as “professionalism” to act along, but I quite quickly lost sight of myself by doing that and it made me more vulnerable overall. I feel like I’m not explaining myself v well there, hopefully you get the jist.

I will say there were times when I felt like I “won” the game and I found that unbelievably thrilling. It’s a bit warped obviously but this is what I think of when I hear people talk about “empowerment”.

All my meet-ups involved sex. Most were entirely sexual in the sense of very little real conversation. There were some who also wanted deep-and-meaningfuls but as I mention above, I saw this as a performance (at least on my part, maybe also on theirs). It was more tiring for me than sex. There was one very unpleasant customer I had where degradation/abuse was clearly a goal for him, as well as sex. When people say that all SW is like rape, I can’t say I agree, because I’ve experienced both and they are different.

At the time, it really tainted my view of men. I kind of went off sex in my personal life. I had a great therapist in the last year of my time as a SW, who really helped me get a healthier view of relationships. I met my husband a year after I exited, and it’s a healthy relationship. There were a few difficult years in the marriage when I was dealing with trauma.

My time in SW also gave me an insight into how some men want to be perceived, in private. It made me less intimidated by older and/or sexist men in the corporate workplace, for example.

You're totally right about the psychological side of it. I feel like I've blocked a lot out but it's quite tough to see people say "all you do is lie on your back" - I was constantly switched on, whether that was to make sure the guys weren't nutjobs or just to present a certain version of myself. It's hard going and I probably just ran on pure adrenaline at the time. The men never seemed to realise that this isn't a normal sexual encounter and yes, a performance. That's one of the reasons it's so tough to build "normal" relationships after you leave.

 

[rosarosa]

You're totally right about the psychological side of it. I feel like I've blocked a lot out but it's quite tough to see people say "all you do is lie on your back" - I was constantly switched on, whether that was to make sure the guys weren't nutjobs or just to present a certain version of myself. It's hard going and I probably just ran on pure adrenaline at the time. The men never seemed to realise that this isn't a normal sexual encounter and yes, a performance. That's one of the reasons it's so tough to build "normal" relationships after you leave.

Exactly this! Glad I’m not the only one. I would have made no money at all if I’d just lain there. Ditto when people say you’re being treated like meat. For me it was more like you are treated as a kind of lesser, robot human. In a way I think it screws with your head even more because you have to actively engage with that, rather than just zoning out (which I’ll admit I often did during sex).

I also ran on adrenaline, and I drank a lot when I wasn’t working, plus other stress-induced behavioural problems (the shopping addiction I mentioned). It would take me several weeks to decompress after a period of working (I was on/off because of studies). It was not only the outright traumatic incidents that contributed to the PTSD, it was also this “mode” of existence, which really has an effect when you do it for years. I think the fact that I had to take breaks is what really saved me from the worse effects. Again, not a luxury everyone can afford.

Another thing that happened more recently when I started dealing with my experiences properly, is going into what I now call “zombie hooker mode” with my husband. Basically, where I would act out all the motions (I.e. not just lying there but actually doing/saying stuff) but he described it as like I wasn’t there. He found it v disturbing and would always stop and “bring me back” as soon as he noticed, but I wouldn’t remember any of it. Don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this or similar. I’ve been told it dissociation, another PTSD symptom. It’s freaky as hell, and it often makes me wonder about the guys who willingly had sex with me in that mode. Did they notice?

 

[Renata]

In most cases did you meet them in hotels?

If so, how did you think they would turn on you?

I’m surprised they are coming into hotels as surely reception logs them in and therefore there is a trail..

Also with cash being an issue (covid times) how do they pay?

Again they leave a trail.

You would think they would be more careful.

 

[rosarosa]

In most cases did you meet them in hotels?

If so, how did you think they would turn on you?

I’m surprised they are coming into hotels as surely reception logs them in and therefore there is a trail..

Also with cash being an issue (covid times) how do they pay?

Again they leave a trail.

You would think they would be more careful.

When I saw my own clients, mostly hotels - varying from station B&Bs to suites at 5* hotels. A couple of times I went to houses (one guy married, another divorced). One time a car.

Prior to that, I had been giving sexual favours in the VIP room of the strip club where I worked, but not sure how common that is or whether it was just a very badly run club. It wasn’t my choice to start doing this, I was largely coerced. Part of the reason I started finding my own clients was because I didn’t like this set-up, I felt like I lacked control.

To be completely honest, I didn’t have a strong grasp of consent or boundaries at the time. I wasn’t really thinking in advance about how to keep myself safe. Most of the time I didn’t feel worried about people turning nasty (and the vast majority didn’t cause any problems at all, by the way). The few occasions when I did come to harm, I had concerns beforehand which I ignored, and I guess I got better at reading signs over time, though I wouldn’t say it was a conscious strategy.

I’m not sure why a client would have an issue with booking under their real name or traceability generally, unless somebody went looking for them? Is that what you mean? I do wonder if sometimes the double life is part of the thrill for clients. I think any kind of deceit like this can be addictive.

For those who do harm SWers, I think they bank on nobody reporting / believing. A hotel booking wouldn’t really prove anything anyway.

I was always paid cash. That was quite stressful, turning up and not having the money yet. Some would try to withhold it until after, which I learned was a big red flag. I know that might seem so basic, but I was young and v naive.

I’m not currently working by the way, I exited 12 years ago. I’m sure much has changed, and I can’t comment on covid.

(Random aside: Actually I remember now there was one time that didn’t involve sex - a guy paid me £300 to eat lunch at Yo Sushi while he talked about his marriage problems. I told him to get marriage counselling. Lots of really strange experiences like this one, which I forget about for ages.)

 

[Lanavalentine]

The way most make their money from Only Fans is not via selling their content, but by recruiting “referrals”. It’s essentially a pyramid scheme.

I don’t know anything about Kerry Katona but I would bet she’s making her money from getting referrals and taking a cut.

Edit: really good article about Only Fans here:https://unherd.com/thepost/onlyfans-is-an-experiment-in-mass-grooming/

 

[Mascaragirl]

What are some of the safety protocols that are followed when meeting a client? Do you tell anyone who you’re meeting, and when/where? Or is it all strictly private?

Otherwise anything could happen.

 

[Lanavalentine]

What are some of the safety protocols that are followed when meeting a client? Do you tell anyone who you’re meeting, and when/where? Or is it all strictly private?

Otherwise anything could happen.

This is something I’d like to know, too.

A lot of sex workers seem to think that working for yourself is preferable, but I can imagine it’s also a lot less safe than an agency?

I saw a doc where a sex worker employed a body guard, but I expect that’s a cost out of most people’s reach.

 

[rosarosa]

What are some of the safety protocols that are followed when meeting a client? Do you tell anyone who you’re meeting, and when/where? Or is it all strictly private?

Otherwise anything could happen.

I didn’t have any, I worked alone and nobody knew what I was doing so I had nobody to tell. I used a fake name, that’s about it. I was making it up as I went along, I’m sure there are others who were more sensible, and I’m not sure if there are protocols in place at agencies (I’d assume there are). The approach I took was not safe - I did come to harm and I was lucky it wasn’t worse.

 

[emm]

I didn’t have any, I worked alone and nobody knew what I was doing so I had nobody to tell. I used a fake name, that’s about it. I was making it up as I went along, I’m sure there are others who were more sensible, and I’m not sure if there are protocols in place at agencies (I’d assume there are). The approach I took was not safe - I did come to harm and I was lucky it wasn’t worse.

wow I am so happy ntohing terrible happened to you. How did you hide it from friends/family etc in terms of how you were earning money?