The Depression Thread

[Misbehaving]

@Misbehaving
Thank you so much for your kind words, it really does mean alot to me, I am so sorry to hear what you've been through and are currently going through, I have been thinking about you and have wondered if you've managed to get any help or support?
I resonate with you so much, life can be a hard slog at times, bless you for remembering about my dogs, unfortunately I had one pts recently, broke my heart, he used to go everywhere with me, miss him so much, such a character ( you're actually the first person I've told)
My oh is worried that I'll have another episode. but my depression just comes from no where, yes I'm upset, but am not in a dark place, if you know what I mean?
You're right it's great to be able to off load on these threads, folks are kind and supportive.
I really wish you well and hope you are taking care of yourself

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your dog it's very upsetting isn't it? They literally are like one of the family I know its not the same but I remember when my cat Lex went missing (we never found him either) I was properly heart broken.
Animals give such unconditional love and acceptance and ask for so little back in return don't they? I hope that at least your dog had had a long and happy and healthy life at least?
Thank you for thinking of me yeah the last few weeks have been tough and like you depression can just hit me seemingly out of nowhere?
Usually I'm such a stoic soul but I'm starting to wonder if that's part of the problem?
Coping with things and not asking for help until they blow up and KaBOOM!
Yes opening up like that was terrifying I had never admitted those kind of things but I'd reached my limit?
The good thing we have found a unit for autistic children in a mainstream school and the senco is really pushing for my son to go there.
It's been an upheaval but as long as he has access to better support then I think he will pick up and hopefully start to thrive and we'll do anything we can to make that happen.
My husband is being unusually helpful and supportive for a change I really hope he's had a bit of a rude awakening and is going to be more mindful and considerate?
If he doesn't and he's to use the terminology of narcissists just hoovering me back in then well at least I know I can access some support?
There have been lots of helpful suggestions on here for example sending an email (to access support) because I'm no good on the phone I clam up?
I shall just have to wait and see how things pan out?
The main thing I've learnt is that I can talk about my problems and I can admit to being low or lonely in a safe place and that's really helpful!
Again thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me and I really appreciate your support
I wish you all the best thank you

 

[Maid22]

@Misbehaving
Thank you for reply, yes he had a lovely life, very muchly missed, such a happy little boy.
Am so pleased you overcame your fear and opened up about what you're going through, I hope your son gets into the school and that's so good to hear about your oh,I really hope he continues to support you.
I agree with the suggestion about you sending an email, I've always said you write so eloquently,me I'm hopeless, I get things muddled so much!
And likewise,thank you for caring and I also appreciate your support.

 

[strawberry07]

Hi, just wanted to post a little vent (idk if that's what you'd call it), and see if anyone has any advice.


I've been diagnosed with depression for 6 years now and I'm currently taking 50mg of sertraline. But I have a feeling I'm getting worse, apart from being super depressed and anxious pretty much all of the time, I'm starting to have really bad issues with 'reality' and by that I mean I don't know if anything is real. I forget that other people are real and not just characters in my head (the best way to describe this feeling is that I'm in a tv show). It's making it so hard to have conversations with people, do my Uni work, to take anything seriously because my brain keeps telling me that nothing matters and I'm going to die anyway so what's the point? I have no desire to do anything, I keep joking to my boyfriend that I want to go live in a commune but really I'm not joking, I hate this world we live in.

 

[nothanksbabes]

Hi, just wanted to post a little vent (idk if that's what you'd call it), and see if anyone has any advice.


I've been diagnosed with depression for 6 years now and I'm currently taking 50mg of sertraline. But I have a feeling I'm getting worse, apart from being super depressed and anxious pretty much all of the time, I'm starting to have really bad issues with 'reality' and by that I mean I don't know if anything is real. I forget that other people are real and not just characters in my head (the best way to describe this feeling is that I'm in a tv show). It's making it so hard to have conversations with people, do my Uni work, to take anything seriously because my brain keeps telling me that nothing matters and I'm going to die anyway so what's the point? I have no desire to do anything, I keep joking to my boyfriend that I want to go live in a commune but really I'm not joking, I hate this world we live in.

This sounds like derealisation - I have complex PTSD with mostly depressive symptoms and I get derealisation and depersonalisation when I'm getting worse. Everything feels a bit sinister and "off" and I forget who I've said what to, if I've dreamt something or not and sometimes feel like I'm behind glass or observing llfe from a distance.

I'm on 50mg Sertraline too which seems to have suddenly stopped working. I don't think the change of seasons has helped my mood either.

 

[caterday28]

I am currently having a bit of a hard time. I'm feeling so, so low inside, Cripplingly sad, desperate, and hopeless. But I cannot express it. It's just stuck inside. I want to cry, but I can't. I'm blank. It's a bizarre juxtaposition of being numb yet incredibly emotional. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm turning to old and very unhelpful behaviours to try and cope.

 

[Emperor]

Haven't read all the thread but loads of love for you all. Only small offering I can make is that Venlafaxine has helped me, way more than Fluoxetine did, although I was on that for years so probably became immune to be fair. Try not to worry why you feel the way you do and just accept that's the way you feel right now. Like the weather it will change, sometimes for the worst but often for the better. Above all, take care and if you can bring yourself to have small treats and rewards available, something to look forward to, or exercise then go for it xxx

 

[kachoochoo]

hey everyone. I'm so upset right now. I just need to vent a minute. my partner's dad died earlier this week. I told him I'd look after him, like he did for me when my mother died. (radically different circs, I was A Mess).but apparently I'm not doing too well in the looking after stakes and my partner has kinda got cross with me (understandable,)

and, I kinda self harmed because it relieved something. but duck am I not gonna feel good about myself in the morning!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

hey everyone. I'm so upset right now. I just need to vent a minute. my partner's dad died earlier this week. I told him I'd look after him, like he did for me when my mother died. (radically different circs, I was A Mess).but apparently I'm not doing too well in the looking after stakes and my partner has kinda got cross with me (understandable,)

and, I kinda self harmed because it relieved something. but duck am I not gonna feel good about myself in the morning!

oh @kachoochoo I’m so so sorry. What you’re going through is too much for anyone to be able to cope with. When you’re struggling mentally everything‘s hard, I can’t even imagine how overwhelming it must be to feel that you need to support someone else emotionally just now.
I know it’s easier said than done, but I hope you can go easy on yourself today, and that your partner understands that you’re unwell, and I guess you’re grieving too. I wish I could say something more helpful or practical, but I just want you to know you’re not venting into the void, and that people here are wishing you well x

 

[kachoochoo]

oh @kachoochoo I’m so so sorry. What you’re going through is too much for anyone to be able to cope with. When you’re struggling mentally everything‘s hard, I can’t even imagine how overwhelming it must be to feel that you need to support someone else emotionally just now.
I know it’s easier said than done, but I hope you can go easy on yourself today, and that your partner understands that you’re unwell, and I guess you’re grieving too. I wish I could say something more helpful or practical, but I just want you to know you’re not venting into the void, and that people here are wishing you well x

just needed to say thank you for your kind words. you are a sweetheart. xx

we've made up and are going easy on each other

 

[strawberry07]

This sounds like derealisation - I have complex PTSD with mostly depressive symptoms and I get derealisation and depersonalisation when I'm getting worse. Everything feels a bit sinister and "off" and I forget who I've said what to, if I've dreamt something or not and sometimes feel like I'm behind glass or observing llfe from a distance.

I'm on 50mg Sertraline too which seems to have suddenly stopped working. I don't think the change of seasons has helped my mood either.

Yes, that's exactly how I feel! Especially forgetting who I've said what to. Is your memory pretty bad as well? I get so frustrated with myself and others get frustrated with me because I can never remember anything.

I finally plucked up the courage to go to the doctors and they've upped me to 100mg and I'm now on a waiting list for therapy. So I might mention derealisation to them. I hope you are feeling better soon x

 

[altgirl]

How do people cope with unsupportive bosses at work?
I confided in mine a few years ago when I was in a very dark place and was signed off. I’ve recently gone back there and he’s just told me to toughen up, go and get drunk and get over it. I also found out another manager called me dramatic for being upset. I’m sorry I know this is so trivial but I’m really struggling so everything seems so much worse.

 

[Itsmerahrah]

How do people cope with unsupportive bosses at work?
I confided in mine a few years ago when I was in a very dark place and was signed off. I’ve recently gone back there and he’s just told me to toughen up, go and get drunk and get over it. I also found out another manager called me dramatic for being upset. I’m sorry I know this is so trivial but I’m really struggling so everything seems so much worse.

this is NOT OK…and I would have them by the balls for that !
I worked for a plc and was treated horrendous over my anxiety & depression. My husband actually came into work at one point as I couldn’t cope when they spoke to me. I took everything they said as personsal when maybe they weren’t being.

anyway… how about you ask for a meeting & tell them how they’ve made you feel. Ask for a support in the room.
When I did this my boss was so sorry … he also got into trouble higher up for his work standards !
Good luck

 

[nothanksbabes]

Yes, that's exactly how I feel! Especially forgetting who I've said what to. Is your memory pretty bad as well? I get so frustrated with myself and others get frustrated with me because I can never remember anything.

I finally plucked up the courage to go to the doctors and they've upped me to 100mg and I'm now on a waiting list for therapy. So I might mention derealisation to them. I hope you are feeling better soon x

My memory isn't great, I think with the pandemic and my mental health and the fact I sleep (or drink) to relax/cope, I really struggle to remember stuff, especially absorbing new information at work. I function quite well outwardly but I feel like I'm losing the plot inside my own head sometimes. I hope you feel better too x

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I started on Amitriptylene earlier this year and instantly felt better. It was like I got my mojo back - I got back to the gym, tracked my calories to lose weight, generally looked after myself better.

A few weeks ago a colleague was killed in an accident, and it’s really knocked me back. She was a lovely person who had young children, always had time for everyone and I keep wondering why I’m still here and someone who loved life was taken. I am so unhappy. My job used to be my lifeline but it’s been tough over the last few months. I’ve got a son who has developmental delay and is autistic and I was feeling like I’d accepted that too but I can’t bear it again. I feel back at square one and I feel so low. My husband and I are like brother and sister but I can be honest with him.

Spoiler: Suicidal Thoughts

@jarv I saw your post on page 1 and feel exactly the same. Taking my own life is never that far from my thoughts but I’m scared of dying. I’ve convinced myself that my son wouldn’t miss me and looking at the way his autism etc manifests itself, I genuinely believe that to be true. I’m just so tired of one step forward, two steps back. It’s so tired and draining.

I feel better for just typing this out. Sending love to everyone

 

[she.doesnt.even.go.here]

I’m so sorry for everyone going through this…reading your experiences makes me feel
less alone but also so sad that we’re all just enduring this, trying to survive. 🤍 I have just received my referral for counselling for depression. I’m struggling. I’ve had anxiety for 15 years but manage it ok now as I’ve have had CBT a few times before, but still, it’s always there.
This year has been so deeply challenging and now I’m completely depressed and can’t see the point in life. It all feels so dark. My Dad, who was my favourite person, died a few months ago. It was a completely unexpected and sudden death which has been very traumatic to deal with. Other people around me not understanding grief, at all, has made things worse, which is sad.
My husband and I have been trying for our first baby for 10 months. I have some health issues which are affecting my fertility and they need to be sorted (multiple large uterine fibroids) I’m having an MRI soon. We waited until mid thirties to try for our baby because I had horrendous birth phobia linked to anxiety for 10 years.

Knowing my Dad will never meet my kids if I ever have them now makes my heart ache.

My close friend became pregnant with twins really quickly earlier this year and I’m finding it hard. I’m happy they’re happy I just wish I had some happiness too. Her Dad is still alive too.

Then to top it all off we are in the middle of a renovation project so don’t have a finished home, and have the constant stress of renovation decisions. I don’t mean we’re redecorating, I mean we’ve had builders in, bathroom demolished, kitchen demolished etc. Basically everything is a mess, my relatively simple life has fallen apart. I’m mid thirties and I can’t see a way forward, but I’m just trying to keep swimming. Sending love to all of you who are suffering. X

 

[chandlercheesecake]

I feel like I am constantly reliving bad memories in my head, going back to my school days (I'm 27, left school when I was 16). I dont want to die, I just want to live without regret and shame.

One thing that's been playing on my mind today.
I used to start skipping classes some time in Year 9 because I began feeling anxious. I got in trouble for it once in Year 10, but other than that no one even noticed or said anything as far as I can recall.

One day , my so called 'friend' gloated to me with a smirk on her face "Everyone talks about you in registration."
Shorly after that, a random girl who I didn't know walked past me in the corridor and said go her friend "that girl's a witch". There was no one else there so it was obviously about me. It caused me to spiral (didnt know oy at the time). I just remember thinking that I was a terrible person, rather than recognising I might need some help..

That's just one instance, but I have had some traumatic experiences over the years which cause more guilt and distress in my mind.

Just wanted to write that down really. X

 

[Glamourelle]

Hi all - I don’t know where to turn to or what to do anymore. Yesterday the guy I’ve been with since November turned around and just said he hasn’t been happy with me for a while and I needed to pack my stuff and leave. I have done everything I can do to make him happy, I try to be such a people pleaser sometimes to my own detriment so this has honestly felt like a train has hit me. Ive moved back in with mum who had to carry me out of the car as I was crying so much, and I’ve been in bed since then just sobbing and trying to sleep.
What worries me is I’ve battled depression with suicidal thoughts and anxiety for over ten years, on and off with both medication and counselling. But it’s terrifying how quickly my suicidal thoughts crawl back into my brain. They’re always there just bubbling away quietly whilst I put a happy front on as if I need to entertain people so they don’t worry about me. My mum hasn’t left my side and has stayed home to be with me but honestly all I want for her to do is just go so I can kill myself. I’m so mentally exhausted and I feel like being alive just isn’t my home for me - I just don’t belong here.
I’m so tired.
I’m so unbelievably tired and I can’t keep doing this. I feel like I’ve done what I’ve needed to do here on this Earth and my soul is just so, so ready to go home

 

[openbook1]

Hi. I just read through this read. I think I may have had some type of depression on and off since I was a teen. I have definitely suffered from anxiety and panic attacks since I was a child although it is now under more control.
When I was in college I went through a phase of just feeling really down, all I wanted to do was sleep. I literally would be in bed all day. I never told my family or friends. Somehow I got out of that funk.
I moved to another country and got a job. A year after though I was let go. It's been 5 years since I worked. I've applied for jobs but never have any success. Luckily my husband has a good career.
Up until covid I had a really good social life, every day I would see people. Well, now it's down the shitter.
My husband is still WFH and we seem to argue more than ever. I feel more lonely than when he was at the office....because I know he is home yet I can't talk to him because he's working. I know that probably sounds crazy. Things are still iffy in regards to covid so precautions are still in place.
I have thought about volunteering somewhere and I apply but then I get invited to a zoom call or whatever and don't go as I feel so anxious about doing something new. I feel like an idiot.
I just feel so worthless as I really don't do a lot during the day. My husband and I had a frank conversation about how this is impacting me and it caused an argument. He cares but he says it seems I'm at the point where I have to help myself which I agree with. But it's so hard. I've gone from being a confident and person to not so much over the last year with covid lockdowns etc. I really just don't know where to begin.

 

[rainbowlemon]

Hi all - I don’t know where to turn to or what to do anymore. Yesterday the guy I’ve been with since November turned around and just said he hasn’t been happy with me for a while and I needed to pack my stuff and leave. I have done everything I can do to make him happy, I try to be such a people pleaser sometimes to my own detriment so this has honestly felt like a train has hit me. Ive moved back in with mum who had to carry me out of the car as I was crying so much, and I’ve been in bed since then just sobbing and trying to sleep.
What worries me is I’ve battled depression with suicidal thoughts and anxiety for over ten years, on and off with both medication and counselling. But it’s terrifying how quickly my suicidal thoughts crawl back into my brain. They’re always there just bubbling away quietly whilst I put a happy front on as if I need to entertain people so they don’t worry about me. My mum hasn’t left my side and has stayed home to be with me but honestly all I want for her to do is just go so I can kill myself. I’m so mentally exhausted and I feel like being alive just isn’t my home for me - I just don’t belong here.
I’m so tired.
I’m so unbelievably tired and I can’t keep doing this. I feel like I’ve done what I’ve needed to do here on this Earth and my soul is just so, so ready to go home

This charity were lovely when I contacted them before.

Maytree | We’re open to suicidal feelings

Maytree offer a free 4 night, 5 day stay for adults, with the opportunity to be heard in complete confidence, in a caring, safe environment.

www.maytree.org.uk

I honestly do understand how hard break ups can be and all the exhaustion that comes with trying to deal with depression. You will get through this.Forget about tomorrow just focus on trying to keep yourself safe. Please be honest with your mother and try to take it one moment at a time.

I also feel like the suicidal thoughts are always there too in the background.

When did you last see your therapist?

I feel like I am constantly reliving bad memories in my head, going back to my school days (I'm 27, left school when I was 16). I dont want to die, I just want to live without regret and shame.

One thing that's been playing on my mind today.
I used to start skipping classes some time in Year 9 because I began feeling anxious. I got in trouble for it once in Year 10, but other than that no one even noticed or said anything as far as I can recall.

One day , my so called 'friend' gloated to me with a smirk on her face "Everyone talks about you in registration."
Shorly after that, a random girl who I didn't know walked past me in the corridor and said go her friend "that girl's a witch". There was no one else there so it was obviously about me. It caused me to spiral (didnt know oy at the time). I just remember thinking that I was a terrible person, rather than recognising I might need some help..

That's just one instance, but I have had some traumatic experiences over the years which cause more guilt and distress in my mind.

Just wanted to write that down really. X

I feel the same sometimes- that I can't let go of certain memories.

Have you tried any therapy previously? I have heard and tried EDMR which can be very helpful and found it a bit better than traditional talk.

Hi. I just read through this read. I think I may have had some type of depression on and off since I was a teen. I have definitely suffered from anxiety and panic attacks since I was a child although it is now under more control.
When I was in college I went through a phase of just feeling really down, all I wanted to do was sleep. I literally would be in bed all day. I never told my family or friends. Somehow I got out of that funk.
I moved to another country and got a job. A year after though I was let go. It's been 5 years since I worked. I've applied for jobs but never have any success. Luckily my husband has a good career.
Up until covid I had a really good social life, every day I would see people. Well, now it's down the shitter.
My husband is still WFH and we seem to argue more than ever. I feel more lonely than when he was at the office....because I know he is home yet I can't talk to him because he's working. I know that probably sounds crazy. Things are still iffy in regards to covid so precautions are still in place.
I have thought about volunteering somewhere and I apply but then I get invited to a zoom call or whatever and don't go as I feel so anxious about doing something new. I feel like an idiot.
I just feel so worthless as I really don't do a lot during the day. My husband and I had a frank conversation about how this is impacting me and it caused an argument. He cares but he says it seems I'm at the point where I have to help myself which I agree with. But it's so hard. I've gone from being a confident and person to not so much over the last year with covid lockdowns etc. I really just don't know where to begin.

You still have value even if you don't currently work. You don't have to be always be doing something either. The covid period was really hard, try to be easy on yourself.

It doesn't sound crazy that you feel lonely. Doing new things can be scary- doesn't make you an idiot. Interviews can be daunting. Baby steps with everything. Maybe you could start by just meeting up with just one friend first for extra support and take it from there.

 

[hereforthememe]

I'm really struggling today

I take antidepressants and they've been helping, but I went on a night out last night and I don't even think it's a hangover, more the fact alcohol is a depressant and it's just set me back

I'm in bed about to go to sleep already and hope this tit feeling passes I don't need to get up until 7 and the idea that I'm about to have 10 hours of nothing pass me by is both a relief and even more depressing. Like I'm wishing my life away

Meh.