The Depression Thread

[MrsGrealish]

Hey everyone, I just found this thread,

I've spent the last few days switching between joyless, angry, nothing and obsessive. Crying for no reason and closing the net around me because I dont want to let anyone in.

I put effort into things and it goes to waste.

It's like being on a rollercoaster but you spend more down going down than you do going up.

 

[hereforthememe]

I start therapy in 6 weeks

 

[Whatevesmate]

Hey everyone, I just found this thread,

I've spent the last few days switching between joyless, angry, nothing and obsessive. Crying for no reason and closing the net around me because I dont want to let anyone in.

I put effort into things and it goes to waste.

It's like being on a rollercoaster but you spend more down going down than you do going up.

Sorry you are having such a horrible time
Please try and be kind to yourself. I posted a link about self compassion. I'm finding it helps. Might be worth a try

 

[MrsGrealish]

I really feel it's getting worse.

I'm self sabotaging, driving people away. I've been crying all day and things I like doing I just wanted to erase everything I've ever done.

I dont know what is wrong with me, but I cant hold myself together.

 

[Poppydaisy]

Hey guys, hope you're all keeping well. My partner was diagnosed with depression yesterday, and has another app with the doctor soon to discuss a plan going forward.

I'm just wondering, do you guys have any advice on how I can help? What I should/shouldn't do? This is all very new to me and I don't want to do anything to upset him, I just want to be there to help. Thank you

 

[rubbish]

Hey guys, hope you're all keeping well. My partner was diagnosed with depression yesterday, and has another app with the doctor soon to discuss a plan going forward.

I'm just wondering, do you guys have any advice on how I can help? What I should/shouldn't do? This is all very new to me and I don't want to do anything to upset him, I just want to be there to help. Thank you

Hi there, for me, the most important thing is having support that does not judge, does not try to "fix me" with suggestions to "take a walk, eat healthier, etc." and doesn't ask or assume that the sadness is because of the support's involvement. I.e., I hate when I am having a bout and my mom takes it personally.

I found this instagram account to be super helpful for not only myself to understand what it was that was happening and to not feel so alone, but for others to understand what it means and the different ways depression can manifest: https://www.instagram.com/realdepressionproject

I can say that the fact you are reaching out to know how to best support shows already what a great partner you are and that your spouse is very lucky to have you. <3

 

[Poppydaisy]

Hi there, for me, the most important thing is having support that does not judge, does not try to "fix me" with suggestions to "take a walk, eat healthier, etc." and doesn't ask or assume that the sadness is because of the support's involvement. I.e., I hate when I am having a bout and my mom takes it personally.

I found this instagram account to be super helpful for not only myself to understand what it was that was happening and to not feel so alone, but for others to understand what it means and the different ways depression can manifest: https://www.instagram.com/realdepressionproject

I can say that the fact you are reaching out to know how to best support shows already what a great partner you are and that your spouse is very lucky to have you. <3

Thank you! I am just very conscious of saying/doing the wrong thing and being unhelpful! I hope you are doing okay, all the best

 

[Nebbymoo]

Hello all, I have read through some of this thread today as iv found myself struggling over the past couple of days with my own depression and anxiety.
I have suffered with this for some years but manage it well generally.
With that said though as time goes by the most severe feelings that go with the depression are becoming to a point of unmanageable. When I'm having a difficult time as I like to call it the overwhelming feeling that my husband doesnt love me and is going to leave me completely consume my thoughts and emotions. Its like tunnel vision I absolutely cannot possibly believe a word he says. It's not a case if he will leave but when. And the thought of looking like a mug to everyone who must be laughing and sniggering behind my back at how I'm the only person who doesnt know hes leaving me is too much to cope with.
Of course when I'm well I would say hes must soul mate, my best friend. My entire world all rolled into one man.
Does anyone else have this problem? If so how do you deal with it? How do you refocus your mind and reason with yourself that your thoughts arnt real life?
Sorry if nothing iv written makes sense I'm just trying to get it down in text while I'm feeling this way hoping someone can tell me I'm not completely bonkers.
Thanks for reading

 

[TapToBoreMeRigid]

I finished Clomipramine almost 8w ago and was so unwell physically for 4.5w. Since then I've had horrific intrusive thoughts and anxiety that wakes me up. I came off Clomipramine because it was no longer working - just leaving me apathetic, and because it isn't safe in pregnancy - I begin Clomid in December depending on some other factors.

Anyway last week I realised that whether this is relapse or discontinuation syndrome I need help. I've been on 50mg Sertraline for 5 days. This was the only option available to me as I've tried the other pregnancy safe medicines with no joy.

I've struggled with MH since I was 7. I'm now 35. I've been medicated for 20 years on various things. I know medication isn't weakness so...why do I feel it is? I know it's an intrusion designed to make me feel tit. I wish mental illness could be reasoned with.

I've developed TMJ as a result of anxiety so I convinced myself it's a serious medical issue.

I just need this medicine to work because right now I just feel hungover and terrified.

I'm sorry for the essay. I only have my husband to talk to and though he is so supportive, I'm scared of him getting sick of this.

Love to all of you.

 

[rubbish]

I feel it comes in waves -- last week I was doing really well and then BAM, I feel like I'm drowning. I realized it's my period coming on. It's unbearable at times being a woman, it's juggling real-life oppression, hormonal roller coasters, and my own brain chemistry. I really don't know if I'll ever manage more than 4 days in a row feeling balanced.

I really loved the episode of Modern Love on being bipolar and dating: this especially resonated with me.

Sending you all love and strength, and always know you can PM if you wish.

 

[Silver Linings]

I don’t know where else to post this. Can’t email the samaritans for the fifty billionth time. I have to be honest and two faced and say I have always lurked this thread and not contributed because I find it hugely triggering and comforting in equal measure.

I wish I could get this beast off our backs.

Anyway, i’ll be vague as I don’t want to be triggering.

Spoiler: Triggertastic

Basically I only show/let any emotion out maybe once every few years. I don’t cry or feel sad, I just have a detached apathy to everything. This week has been just too much for me with things changing and I just could feel actual bad feelings rising rather than burying them so I sh’d for the first time in 6 months or so and it’s just brought it all to the surface. I will never get any better, circumstances can never change for me. So i’ve sat here sobbing like a child for the last half an hour, pointlessly.

Anyway, sorry for dropping in and being depressing Love to you all.

(Mods please delete if i’m not allowed to mention self harm.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I don’t know where else to post this. Can’t email the samaritans for the fifty billionth time. I have to be honest and two faced and say I have always lurked this thread and not contributed because I find it hugely triggering and comforting in equal measure.

I wish I could get this beast off our backs.

Anyway, i’ll be vague as I don’t want to be triggering.

Spoiler: Triggertastic

Basically I only show/let any emotion out maybe once every few years. I don’t cry or feel sad, I just have a detached apathy to everything. This week has been just too much for me with things changing and I just could feel actual bad feelings rising rather than burying them so I sh’d for the first time in 6 months or so and it’s just brought it all to the surface. I will never get any better, circumstances can never change for me. So i’ve sat here sobbing like a child for the last half an hour, pointlessly.

Anyway, sorry for dropping in and being depressing Love to you all.

(Mods please delete if i’m not allowed to mentionself harm.

Please don’t apologise lovely. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could offer some useful advice, I hope someone here can (only if that’s what you want though).
All I can say is that you’re not alone. I can relate a bit because even though I’m going through a pretty bad depression at the moment I hardly ever cry. I used to use unhelpful methods to deal with mental distress, and even though it’s better not to, it’s harder to cope when you don’t have that “coping method”. Ugh I don’t know if I’m making sense now, sorry.
Please, please be kind to yourself today, easier said than done. You’re such a thoughtful, compassionate person, and you don’t deserve to be going through this xx

 

[Silver Linings]

Please don’t apologise lovely. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could offer some useful advice, I hope someone here can (only if that’s what you want though).
All I can say is that you’re not alone. I can relate a bit because even though I’m going through a pretty bad depression at the moment I hardly ever cry. I used to use unhelpful methods to deal with mental distress, and even though it’s better not to, it’s harder to cope when you don’t have that “coping method”. Ugh I don’t know if I’m making sense now, sorry.
Please, please be kind to yourself today, easier said than done. You’re such a thoughtful, compassionate person, and you don’t deserve to be going through this xx

Thank you, Sidey B. xx

 

[onlyheretoorbit]

Hi everyone, not been on this thread before but looking for somewhere to offload.

For a bit of background: diagnosed with Bipolar II, been fairly stable on lithium for other a year. Currently pregnant - came off lithium initially to negate risks to developing baby but recently decided it was safe enough to go back on it. Current levels are still too low to be effective so upping my dose.

Had an intense week last week for a variety of reasons and as a result, barely slept. Lack of sleep is a massive trigger for me. Yesterday I felt so lonely and sad all day, husband works night shifts and when he left for work I had a bit of a meltdown, lots of crying and just generally feeling lost and miserable.

Today I thought I'd got a grip on myself. Came to lunchtime, tried to prepare lunch until I realised half my ingredients were out of date. Sounds absolutely ridiculous I know, but I just became overwhelmed with anger and sadness.

Spoiler: TW: self harm

Threw everything away but just suddenly had the urge to SH. Managed to put everything away and leave the kitchen. Just sat and sobbed for a good 20 minutes.

Brought my laptop down to the sofa to work from here for the rest of the day so I can watch TV and stay distracted. Dreading husband going to work later, I just don't want to be home alone. Tried texting a few friends who know about my mental health but they all have so much going on. Family all live at least an hour away. Just feel so sad and lonely. I want to switch my brain off for a bit.

 

[Bobbleowl90]

Hi all.
Hope you don’t mind me posting on your thread.
I feel like my anxiety/depression comes in deep waves. Some days im really drowning in my thoughts and struggling to stay afloat. I don’t know the root cause other than a bad fallout with some friends earlier this year (basically I got ghosted over a period of months and it’s really hurt me, never got any closure or answers) and im still upset about it. My husband wants me to see a doctor but I don’t want to. I’ve gone through worse and feel I can keep afloat of this eventually some way or another. I need to control and channel my thoughts. And mainly I need to forget about these people who’ve hurt me.
Does anybody have any books they recommend, almost like CBT?

 

[Misbehaving]

You are me, my oh stopped me twice, that was many years ago, the thought still lingers but meds have helped.
I also have no friends, if my oh wasn't here, I could fall, or even die in my house and no one would know, it's something I've had to live with as being an Introvert and practically a recluse, , being let down by so called friends over the years, would find it difficult to trust again, thank god for my dogs!!!!
This thread is a safe place to write things down, hugs to all who live with this demon, it's tit!!!

I'm so sorry to hear that @Maid22 but I can definitely relate to that feeling of being alone(even though in my case I'm not) and that no one cares and yes even suicidal occasionally ?
I tried it once during Lockdown (just before I joined Tattle life) and my husband had to physically restrain me I was hysterical afterwards and it took me ages to calm down.
Anyway he made me promise never to try it again and I have kept that but I was resentful for a long time! It still haunts me and when I have had thoughts about doing it again(which isn't often) it gives me a kind of relief..(the thought but not the action i.wouldnt actually try again) just because I don't want to traumatise my children my daughter was only little at the time.So I think it was definitely linked to her being ill which I blamed myself for and PND)..but then again I tried it as a teenager after being bullied so I do have previous form so maybe I'm just an unstable person with bad coping mechanisms and lockdown was a regression into the past if that makes sense and things that I though I had forgotten (but obviously hadn't) came back,)
It's difficult to give voice to things when you feel as if no one is interested? My parents are estranged from each other (divorced) and from me now as I don't talk to either of them and my husband is usually just fed up with me? (And vica versa)

So I really understand the temptation to just not to want to be here it's exhausting and I too have no friends....which is a relief sometimes because like you in my day to day life I'm also an introvert and reclusive and both of my parents were also narcissists so I don't want to put on a mask or false face in front of people I just want to face myself honestly but I am scared about how I come across to others and rejection hurts?
Then something will trigger me and I'll get another pang of loneliness and feel like I have failed at this socialisation lark! I too do not find it easy?
I also have massive trust issues it's so hard when people let you down or worse still if you open yourself up and get rejected or not supported it's easy to form the impression from this that no one cares but it's not true
You have a voice and a presence on here and you're always thoughtful and generous and with a dry wit plus your love for your animals always shines through...
This is a great space for just being yourself without the need to pretend to be happy and to just be honest I've got so much love and admiration for the people who post on here (you included) I really have found it cathartic and I hope it's been helpful to you as well?
I am glad this thread exists and I am glad that you exist and anyone is here any time for any of us if we need it. sometimes it's good to offer support and understanding to others but we also need it ourselves as well?
I've offered and given a lot to others over the years and mainly it's seemed as if I didn't get it back when I needed it (huge understatement)
That happens all too frequently unfortunately?
Maybe it happened to you as well?
Reading on here though and being a part of some lovely threads has restored my faith in people a bit (not there yet but still a glimmer of hope,?)
People are lovely and helpful and kind sometimes at least and reminding myself of that fact makes me feel better and I hope it gives you reassurance too if you should ever need it.
Thanks for your previous support (on a different thread) I do appreciate it and take care of yourself and those dogs you would be missed if something bad ever happened (god forbid) so I hope you take care of yourself and like someone said to me on another thread when I was really low your not alone even if it feels like it.
So take care and much love you deserve it!

 

[under the ivy]

My depression and more so my anxiety is bad this week. My younger brother was diagnosed with stage 1 lymphoma today & needs rounds of chemo and radiotherapy. The whole process of diagnosis has made me feel extremely stressed obviously but now I’m in a deep pit of depression thinking why the duck does this have to happen to a child?

I just think life is so tit.

 

[Misbehaving]

My depression and more so my anxiety is bad this week. My younger brother was diagnosed with stage 1 lymphoma today & needs rounds of chemo and radiotherapy. The whole process of diagnosis has made me feel extremely stressed obviously but now I’m in a deep pit of depression thinking why the duck does this have to happen to a child?

I just think life is so tit.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that how awful for your family and yourself that's a devastating thing to have happen. Sending love and best wishes I know it's probably not any consolation but about 15 years ago my husband (he was 32) had (Non Hodgkin's) Lymphoma and it was considered very aggressive and quite advanced and the chemo and radiation was hard going but he survived it and we were lucky to have the benefit of a great medical team the NHS truly were brilliant and so prompt and helpful that to this day I still feel fortunate for that.
I really hope that you have the same experience he's young and resilient and honestly the sooner he starts treatment and gets it over and done with the sooner he can recover from it?
Try to think about it like that? It sounds like they caught it early trust me that's a good thing it gives a greater chance of Beating it?
Look after yourself (or do your best sometimes the very advice to look after yourself can seem like a chore or something you don't feel like doing) but in order to be there for others we have to be there for ourselves as well?
Yes you have every reason to be depressed (not that any of us need a reason sometimes but God it's understandable in the circumstances) and ironically in my opinion depression is something that quite often happens to good people who care about others and who internalise the worry and stress and pain of those around them?
It's completely understandable that you would do that and Lymphoma isn't fair especially to a child but we (as far as i know) don't really know what causes it or why some people get it and others don't?
So as horrible as it is once the grief of the diagnosis passes and also hopefully the intensity of the fear know that we can unfortunately only do our best to be supportive and place our faith in the doctors hands (sorry if I'm repeating myself) time will tell and hopefully alleviate any pain he might feel and then bring with it the power of a recovery and healing?
I really really hope so and really why not?
Be as brave as you can stand to be it will be a positive power one way or another as will love.
I believe in you. .. and hopefully you can believe in life for yourself and your brother we can but try in these difficult moments? Anything helps?
I hope you have a good support network for both yourself and your brother that can really help as well.
Again so sorry for this but wishing you and your brother better health in the future. Good luck and bless you

 

[F the dust.]

So I'm really depressed I was diagnosed 4 years ago and since losing my mam in March I'm just really not caring if I wake up. I have few friends and not much family...if I didn't have kids I don't think I'd be here? I over think people please worry constantly and it's now driving me insane. I just want peace in my head...

 

[Maid22]

@Misbehaving
Thank you so much for your kind words, it really does mean alot to me, I am so sorry to hear what you've been through and are currently going through, I have been thinking about you and have wondered if you've managed to get any help or support?
I resonate with you so much, life can be a hard slog at times, bless you for remembering about my dogs, unfortunately I had one pts recently, broke my heart, he used to go everywhere with me, miss him so much, such a character ( you're actually the first person I've told)
My oh is worried that I'll have another episode. but my depression just comes from no where, yes I'm upset, but am not in a dark place, if you know what I mean?
You're right it's great to be able to off load on these threads, folks are kind and supportive.
I really wish you well and hope you are taking care of yourself